The countdown continues...

I just finished my last training run, a quick 3 miler. The starting temperature was 29, and what kind of Chicagoan would I be if I didn't throw in the wind chill factor, huh? That made it feel like 19.

It felt good. For some reason this felt like a particularly powerful run. And why, I wondered, was that?
Was it the power of the Elvis hair (even if it was suppressed by a cap during the run)

Was it the powerful new tights?


Or, more likely, was it my good luck mutt, Duffy, who was waiting to see me when I got home?

Now it's time for laundry, some housecleaning and packing before the youngest gets home from school and MizBubs gets home from work. Then it's time to try on the full Elvis suit. I'm not sure if I'm ready for it yet.

TCB!

Counting down

Ok, so we didn't solve the murder we were working on yet...but we're going to. These things take time. Damn you, videotaped statements. I had hoped to be celebrating clearing that case before I headed for Las Vegas, but real life lately has frequently refused to adjust to my timetable. But that will not stop me from having a good time. No sir. Today is the first of 11 days away from work, and I aim to enjoy them all.

Middle age male vanity is a powerful and ridiculous force. Part of tonight was spent dying my hair in order to achieve the proper Elvis color for Sunday's run. MizBubs, girl dynamo, altered my gold lame jacket and got the sleeves to the proper length. I picked up some extra Body Glide at the running store this afternoon, and solved the pants problem. Pants problem? Yeah, it turns out that the gold lame pants that came with the jacket really aren't suited to running. MizBubs, girl genius, suggested that I hit the thrift shops and find some black pants to run in--turns out Elvis only wore the full lame suit a couple of times before ripping the pants, and most of the times he performed in the gold lame jacket he wore black pants as a result. I hit the jackpot--I found two pairs of black pants at the Wings resale shop! One is a comfortable loose-fitting old pair of shiny black dress pants, high-wasted and pleated, and the other is actually a pair of Nike black running pants. I have all day tomorrow to decide.

I went to the library and got some Elvis material for inspiration. While my hair turned color and MizBubs sewed her pretty fingers to the bone we watched the first two disks of Elvis--The Great Performances, which was chock-full of very cool early footage of the King.

And now it's time for bed.

TCB!

So many things

So many things to write about, and so little time, and so few remaining undamaged brain cells, to use to write about them...

For starters there was the whole MizBubs family early Thanksgiving the weekend of the 16/17/18: 20+ people for dinner, at the end of my 80+ hour week, while our upstairs bathroom was totally gutted. Good times. We kept the turkey fryer in storage and instead got a turducken through the mail from Prairieville, LA, which worked out great. Then, after gorging ourselves on turducken and beer, we got up and ran the Lincolnwood Turkey Trot (only the 5k) which has become kind of a tradition with us. Your humble author managed to log his best ever 5k time, but remains humble in the knowledge that, compared to fast people, I still run like I'm carrying a refrigerator on my back...

I was reminded of running because I just got a new set of running tights in the mail, piggybacked onto an order that MizBubs made from Sierra Trading Post. And get this--MizBubs has taken up running too!!!!!! I am a happy hillbilly. We have now become those freaks who you see running around in tights and fleece in freezing weather. Who would've thought?

Getting back to the bathroom...after having to call the installation department at Home Depot TWICE when the toilet backed up after the remodel was done, and finding that the contractors lost not one but TWO rags down the toilet stack, we are now enjoying the new bathroom. When I came in from running last night I finally took my first bath in the new, gloriously deep compared to what we used to have tub.

We have a ridiculously small bathroom, but at least now we have a nice ridiculously small bathroom:

It was very, very soothing. Our eldest now works at Lush, and brings us wonderful fragrant bath products. I myself was wonderful and fragrant by the time I came out of the tub.

While I'm showing y'all pictures of my house, I may as well show you the tiki bar. MizBubs found this on Ebay, and we had a nice road trip to Michigan a couple years ago to pick it up:



Here's a detail shot of the shelves behind the bar:

Ah well. I'm exhausted. Hopefully, in the next couple of days I'll have more.

On Saturday we leave for fabulous Las Vegas, and I plan on taking plenty of pictures and updating everyone from the Las Vegas Marathon.

Now I gots to sleep.

Plushie freak of the week

Southside bureau chief Dena stepped up again with this one, feeding me material while I was otherwise occupied:

Accused thief found with stuffed dog used for sex

Winnipeg police were called shortly before 6 p.m. on March 26 after a Chelsea Avenue resident spotted the man breaking into her garage. The man exited the garage a short time later and moved on to a neighbour's garage, where he stole a lawn mower, a mountain bike, a blanket and a stuffed toy dog.

The man eventually returned to the first garage, where police found him nearly two hours later passed out inside a boat.

"He was lying there with his genitalia exposed next to the stuffed dog," said Crown attorney John Peden. "While the police report doesn't describe it this way, the dog might be appropriately characterized as now being anatomically correct, as opposed to its condition before he removed it."

Oh, one more thing. Alcohol was involved.

OK, let's start getting in the Christmas spirit...

Rise and Shine!

Sorry for not stopping by and commenting on your blog; things continue at a furious pace around here, at home and especially at my job. At least we have a working shower again, and it's a darn fine one, too. The Las Vegas Marathon is next Sunday and I've barely prepared. My Elvis costume hangs in my closet, unpressed and unaltered. I promise that at some point before Christmas I'll return to our regular fare of freaks, perverts, clowns and animal attacks. Until then I'm just throwing up random videos and pictures in a desperate effort to hold on to some readership.

We've taken to listening to motivational speakers and inspirational music lately, just to keep us on track and moving forward.

I'd like to share some of that, so here it is, my gift to you this Monday morning.

Check out these enthusiastic swanky bastards. They're playing "Powerhouse" and swinging it pretty hard, I'd say.

Continuing our celebration of Thanksgiving...

...and wanting to continue the theme of pilgrims and Indians living in harmony, I bring you the rocking video "Apache". This was big in Denmark.

Happy Thanksgiving

Shock the clown

Alert South Side Bureau Chief Dena has informed me that former cop/counselor/daycare worker/minister/clown and noted downstate Illinois child molester A. Paul Carlock died in custody after being Taser'd by jail guards.

According to this story in the Springfield Journal-Register, Carlock had a pre-existing heart condition.

Carlock was better known as Klutzo the Clown.



He is now smoking a dog turd in hell.

Florida alligator takes a bite out of crime

UPDATE: Monday, November 19 at 6:45 AM

Poncho's dinner was officially identified as 36-year old Justo Padron. At the time of his unfortunate introduction to Poncho, Mr. Padron was wanted by police for violating his parole on a cocaine possession charge. Once again we see the cocaine/gator nexus at work. Say no to drugs and reduce your chances of suffering an alligator-involved demise.

______________________

Thank you, Florida.

Even at the end of an 80-hour week, with the turducken in the oven and 20 people coming for dinner in 5 hours, some stories are so important that you have to take a moment to inform the public.

Stories like this one:

Man killed by gator while fleeing police

This incident is an example of what some of us in law enforcement refer to as a twofer. Like a murder case where one criminal kills another--one bad guy removed from the street by killing, one by going to the penitentiary. In this case, one bad guy who clearly should not have been contributing to the gene pool based on his apparent inability to read numerous BEWARE OF ALLIGATOR signs before diving into a gator-infested retention pond, is dead. The man-eating gator was then also destroyed. Humankind gets a twofer.

The alligator, also known to local authorities for his aggressive behavior, was named "Poncho".

R.I.P. New Frontier Las Vegas

The second oldest hotel casino on the strip just bit the dust.

The New Frontier was imploded early Tuesday morning.

The New Frontier originally opened as the Last Frontier in 1942. It was owned at one time by Howard Hughes, and also, partially, by Steve Wynn.

It's demolition makes way for the development of even more high-end properties on the northern strip. Now only Circus Circus, Slots-A-Fun, the Riviera, The Stratosphere and The Sahara remain north of the Wynn.

You can check out Vegas Today and Tomorrow for some excellent information on all the changes.

Early morning checklist

Gun? Check.

Bourbon? Check.

Clown...clown?!

R.I.P. Stanley Stacharski

Stanley Stacharski died Friday at the age of 57, and he will be missed.

Mr. Stacharski was the owner of our beloved Hala Kahiki Lounge in River Grove, the most wonderful tiki bar in all of Chicagoland. He inherited the place from his parents, who founded the business about 40 years ago.

I'm in the mood for a night at the tiki bar. I especially like visiting there during the cold weather and sitting in the warm, dark tropical splendor while the snow falls outside.

Who's your repo daddy now?

That is one of the best lines I've heard in weeks.

I should be sleeping right now, getting enough rest and preparing for the work ahead. But no.

I'm sitting here watching late night tv. Watching ads for class outfits like Legal Helpers. In any event, I see clowns.

I just realized something

See those nacho chips? These are nacho chips from El Famous Burrito. I just noticed something about them.

If you get your nose really close to them, and take a good whiff, these nacho chips smell just like the food court at the Shelby County Flea Market in Simpsonville, Kentucky. Specifically, they smell just like the area around the booth bearing a sign saying, simply, "DEEP FRY".

I found that very comforting and nostalgic.

Germany or Florida: Post-Halloween Edition Answers

Time for some answers.

Congratulations to Katy and Doctor Monkey Von Monkerstein for their perfect scores!

I've noticed before that people tend to assign a story to Germany or Florida based on certain assumptions--for instance, stories involving cannibalism = Germany, stories involving tattoos = Florida. Very often this is true, at least anecdotally, and remember that in the bold and ever-expanding science known as narcozoology, anecdotal evidence is the most important kind.

Still, I have to confess. Usually stories contain some cultural clue that has to be withheld in order to make the game more competitive. I've listed the answers to each question in a link to the original news story. I've also listed any clue that, if given, would have clearly revealed the origin of the story.

1) A man was arrested after asking his new online buddy to help him kill someone for the purpose of having sex with the corpse (and no, it's not Wisconsin--there are no trick questions here)
Florida

2) A man passed out drunk on his way home from a Halloween party, in full zombie makeup. He was mistaken for a murder victim and police were called.
Germany
(*The man was passed out on a train. Germans ride trains. Floridians don't ride trains--they walk, or ride the bus, or steal a car.)

3) A child became entangled in his family's spider web decorations and was nearly strangled to death.
Florida


4) A man was caught trying to smuggle two large dildos, hidden in sausages, into Dubai.
Germany
(*Come on--the presence of sausage was a dead giveaway. Likewise, if it had been catfish, you woulda known it was Florida. Interestingly my eldest said that Dubai was the Germany indicator--she didn't picture anyone from Florida flying to Dubai.)

5) A man was arrested for placing his roommate in a headlock and biting off part of his ear.
Florida
(*911 was called by a neighbor who was out walking his pit bull. That is pure Florida there.)

6) Prison guards allowed two female inmates to wed each other in an elaborate ceremony featuring wedding rings fashioned from human hair and dental floss.
Florida
(*The guards were suspended for doing this. According to my eldest, the idea of a lesbian prison wedding sounded kind of like something that might be done in a progressive European nation. The fact that the participating guards were disciplined indicated that it happened here in the USA.)

Germany or Florida: Post Halloween Edition

It's hard to say goodbye to Halloween.

Once again I'm having that post-Halloween letdown. It's made a little easier by the knowledge that we're never more than a few days away from our next scary movie rental, and we can always stop and look at the Dia De Los Muertos stuff in our dining room.

Looking around this morning I saw that Kirby is experiencing those Halloween blues too, aggravated by a loss in her family and the wildfire evacuations and all...stop by and wish her well.

Mob has a horrid little video set to a horrorpunk song "1,000 Corpses", and Kim from A Sunny Thought has some nice stuff here if you don't feel like letting go yet.

There's a dozen things I should be doing, but I'm sitting on my ass swilling coffee, waiting for inspiration to strike.

_____________________

A quick round of Germany or Florida, now that's the ticket!

1) A man was arrested after asking his new online buddy to help him kill someone for the purpose of having sex with the corpse (and no, it's not Wisconsin--there are no trick questions here)

2) A man passed out drunk on his way home from a Halloween party, in full zombie makeup. He was mistaken for a murder victim and police were called.

3) A child became entangled in his family's spider web decorations and was nearly strangled to death.

4) A man was caught trying to smuggle two large dildos, hidden in sausages, into Dubai.

5) A man was arrested for placing his roommate in a headlock and biting off part of his ear.

6) Prison guards allowed two female inmates to wed each other in an elaborate ceremony featuring wedding rings fashioned from human hair and dental floss.

Leave your best guesses in the comments. Answers tomorrow.

Now, it's on to Thanksgiving...