Cheesehead kills freak deer

What has seven legs, male and female reproductive organs and nub antlers?

According to this story from the Fon du Lac Reporter, the answer is a freak deer that got run over by a truck. And of course, after running down the hermaphroditic deer with the extra limbs, cheesehead driver ate it.

At least he didn't f*ck it by the side of the road, as far as we know. That happens in Wisconsin.

You can see pictures of the deer here.

Lucky Brooklynites

They get to see Lou Reed perform Berlin as a stage show.

According to this story in the NY Times, the production features sets designed by Julian Schnabel (who's also filming the event), and a children's choir.

I can't imagine having much more fun than knocking back a few stiff drinks and seeing a live performance of The Kids:






They're taking her children away
because they said she was not a good mother
They're taking her children away
because of the things she did in the streets
In the alleys and bars, no she couldn't be beat
that miserable rotten slut couldn't turn, anyone away

Happy holidays!!

Clean-cut Bubs

Nothing like a good haircut.

Listen up, gents, if you're looking for a good haircut (and they do shaves, too) head over to the Belmont Barbershop at 2328 W. Belmont. This was the first time I've been there and I'm happy with the results.

Check out that clean nape.

Even better, their prices are excellent--$15 for a cut, and they carry my favorite pomade, Layrite. I picked up a jar of it at Viva Las Vegas 8, and just ran out of it a few weeks ago.

YEEE HAW!

Lawmaker aims to allow the blind to hunt | Oddly Enough | Reuters.com

No Comment

I don't know what's going on, but today I've tried posting comments at Johnny Yen, OK Fine, Whatever, Notes from Davey Jones' Locker, and Melinda June, and a couple other blogs I can't recall at the moment. For some reason Blogger is not allowing me to do this. It's like a random Google gag order. I hate it.

I'm pissed off. Here I am, feeling talkative, and actually having the time to talk, and I'm thwarted. Stupid technology. I'm going back to signal flags, messages bottles and graffiti.

My Christmas Spirit Refuses to Die!

Not even sleep deprivation, sex offenders, violent crime, overtime, work-related holiday parties, drug overdose, autopsy and bureaucracy, can wreck my sense of holiday cheer. Nope. My Christmas spirit is indomitable.

This last week was something.

Our family, for all its chaotic zaniness, has always placed a premium on buying and decorating a tree together every year. Over the past couple of years, though, our tree-buying expeditions have gotten smaller, and I’ve missed the decorating once or twice as well. This year Hannah (our youngest) and I managed to get a tree while MizBubs and the Mad Seamstress were both at work. It was important to get the tree last Sunday afternoon, because I had to go out of town for a couple days to attend a seminar, and we didn’t want to wait much longer. So, we got the tree, bundled it into the back of the minivan, and got it home. We didn’t get time to put it up before I left on Monday. MizBubs did an admirable job of cutting it, getting it inside, and set up in our dining room while I was gone. It’s still there, undecorated. It’s been there all week like that, fresh and green and piney-smelling, but oddly naked.

I spent a couple days in Champaign, Illinois, attending a class on investigating officer-involved shootings. My department sent me to this class by myself, and I didn’t really know anyone else in the class. This meant that, for the first time in 18 years, I went to bed early while I was out of town at a seminar. I ate a good meal at a place called Radio Maria, and found a neat little vintage shop called Carrie’s, where I got some good gifts that I can’t talk about here without spoiling someone’s surprise. Best of all, I found a pristine copy of Hillbilly Holiday for $5! The CD contains four extra tracks of hillbilly Christmas goodness featuring Faron Young, Johnny Horton, the Davis Sisters and Buck Owens. It's out of print, and the cheapest I've seen it on Amazon is $50!

The class was informative and good, but two days of studying worst-case scenarios, gunshot wounds, lawsuits, police fatalities and the like left me a little drained and happy to get home. Then it was back to work, trying to catch up on some administrative crap and some cases I was working on to clear my desk for my 13-day holiday. Most of it was just routine—lots of forgeries and financial crimes, and the usual thefts and domestic batteries. I had one woman who believed someone else used her name during a 1985 arrest (she found out during a background check she had to undergo for a license she was applying for) and wanted her name cleared. The mug photo from 1985 was gone, the arresting officer long since retired. I got the original inked fingerprints from 1985, and submitted them as “unknown”; the results matched to the woman I was dealing with. According to the fingerprints, she was, in fact, the person arrested by our department back in 1985. I don’t see how someone could forget being arrested 20 years ago, but I guess it happens.

Then this weekend hit. An 18 year old girl died in her bed early Saturday morning. It looks like it was probably an overdose; I went to the autopsy Sunday morning and the medical examiner explained the telltale signs. We won't know for sure for at least 6 or 8 weeks, when the toxicology report comes back. What got me, and this is the first time something like this ever happened to me, was that the girl looked quite a bit like my oldest daughter. I tracked down her boyfriend, who I know as a burglar and junkie, ready to tear into him. Instead, I found myself faced with a 20 year old, on methadone for 6 months now after a 4-year addiction to heroin, who couldn’t stop crying because of his dead girlfriend. I did get an idea of where she might have scored before she died, but we might never know for sure.

That same weekend one of our officers caught a weenie-waver at the library. The freak was kneeling between the stacks, tugging away, and the officer grabbed him and handcuffed him so quickly the freak didn’t have time to get the, uh, offending part back in his pants. I talked to this guy for almost 2 hours, and found out that he loves visiting local libraries and masturbates in public or exposes himself almost every day. He also prefers looking at porn on the computers at the Chicago Public Libraries, because, he said “it’s easier.” Oh well. He had a stack of computer-printed photos, folded up and, eh..stuck together...with him when he got arrested. He printed them (thanks Chicago Public Library!) from a website that specializes in fully-clothed young women sitting on, and trampling, and rubbing their feet in the faces of passive, dopey-looking men.

I finally got to the end of the workday yesterday, and attended my final work-related party of the season. I bugged out early and got home to watch the second half of the Bears game. The best thing about yesterday turned out to be falling asleep during the post-game, snoozing happily in my knowledge of a Bears win with a belly full of holiday bourbon.

I’m cooking dinner for my family for the first time in over a week tonight: Cajun fish, sweet potatoes and greens. After dinner we’ll finally decorate our naked little Christmas tree, and all will be right with the world.

Oh, and I hope to have some more fun stuff posted later this week, before our trip to Indiana.

Uh-oh

Katy had an amusing quiz on her site: What tarot card are you? This was one I hadn't seen before, so I took it.

I'm not sure what to make of the result:

You are The Devil

Materiality. Material Force. Material temptation; sometimes obsession

The Devil is often a great card for business success; hard work and ambition.

Perhaps the most misunderstood of all the major arcana, the Devil is not really "Satan" at all, but Pan the half-goat nature god and/or Dionysius. These are gods of pleasure and abandon, of wild behavior and unbridled desires. This is a card about ambitions; it is also synonymous with temptation and addiction. On the flip side, however, the card can be a warning to someone who is too restrained, someone who never allows themselves to get passionate or messy or wild - or ambitious. This, too, is a form of enslavement. As a person, the Devil can stand for a man of money or erotic power, aggressive, controlling, or just persuasive. This is not to say a bad man, but certainly a powerful man who is hard to resist. The important thing is to remember that any chain is freely worn. In most cases, you are enslaved only because you allow it.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

YEAH IT'S VACATION NOW, BABY!!

And at the compound, vacation looks and sounds like THIS:



WHERE'S MY M**********NG BOURBON?!

Get me out of here

It's Monday at 10:45am, and it's my last day at work before my 13-day long holiday. I'm waiting for a call, and have a few moments here to reflect on just how badly I want to be home with my family. Or out shopping. Or walking in the woods.

Anywhere, in short, but here.

Santa loves the little children

Santa seems especially interested in the oldest girl on the right.

These photos came from the Scared of Santa Gallery. Go check it out -- more than 65 photos of little ones in varying states of Santa-induced distress.

I'm sorry, but Santa has to kill you now

He thought the fake beard and wig would be enough of a disguise. But no; he knows he's been recognized, and in the moment of that Instamatic flash going off, Santa knows that he must track you down and kill you now.

Friday Random Ten: December 8

Rainy Night In Soho – The Pogues

Rocky Road Blues – Bill Monroe

Sister, Do You Know My Name? – White Stripes

Baby How Long – Howlin Wolf

All Tomorrow’s Parties – Velvet Underground

I’ll Shoot the Moon – Tom Waits

Psyche – Nouvelle Vague

Fool I Am – Pat Ferguson

Jack the Ripper – Link Wray

All Guitars – The Flying Lizards

What's that smell?

Lesson learned here? If you really gotta bust ass in a bad way on a commercial flight, don't burn matches to mask the stink:

Flatulent Passenger Grounds Flight

It's not often news writers get to work this many puns into headlines.

You can read more about the fart scare here, here and here.

Stare into the cold dead eyes of Santa

The terrified child reaches out for help, but Mommy and Daddy can't help. Mommy and Daddy are gone. Forever. The older brother stares ahead, unblinking, a grim, stoic figure in the face of all this Christmasey horror. Note Santa's robot arm in the foreground, from which he's detached the wrathful hand of Santa.

Be afraid.

December 7th

Yesterday, December 7, 1941 - a date which will live in infamy - the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan.

The United States was at peace with that nation and, at the solicitation of Japan, was still in conversation with its Government and its Emperor looking toward the maintenance of peace in the Pacific. Indeed, one hour after Japanese air squadrons had commenced bombing in Oahu, the Japanese Ambassador to the United States and his colleague delivered to the Secretary of State a formal reply to a recent American message. While this reply stated that it seemed useless to continue the existing diplomatic negotiations, it contained no threat or hint of war or armed attack.

It will be recorded that the distance of Hawaii from Japan makes it obvious that the attack was deliberately planned many days or even weeks ago. During the intervening time the Japanese Government has deliberately sought to deceive the United States by false statements and expressions of hope for continued peace.

The attack yesterday on the Hawaiian Islands has caused severe damage to American naval and military forces. Very many American lives have been lost. In addition American ships have been reported torpedoed on the high seas between San Francisco and Honolulu.

Yesterday the Japanese Government also launched an attack against Malaya. Last night Japanese forces attacked Hong Kong. Last night Japanese forces attacked Guam. Last night Japanese forces attacked the Philippine Islands. Last night the Japanese attacked Wake Island. This morning the Japanese attacked Midway Island.

Japan has, therefore, undertaken a surprise offensive extending throughout the Pacific area. The facts of yesterday speak for themselves. The people of the United States have already formed their opinions and well understand the implications to the very life and safety of our nation.

As Commander-in-Chief of the Army and Navy, I have directed that all measures be taken for our defense.

Always will we remember the character of the onslaught against us. No matter how long it may take us to overcome this premeditated invasion, the American people in their righteous might will win through to absolute victory.

I believe I interpret the will of the Congress and of the people when I assert that we will not only defend ourselves to the uttermost but will make very certain that this form of treachery shall never endanger us again.

Hostilities exist. There is no blinking at the fact that our people, our territory and our interests are in grave danger.

With confidence in our armed forces - with the unbounded determination of our people - we will gain the inevitable triumph - so help us God.

I ask that the Congress declare that since the unprovoked and dastardly attack by Japan on Sunday, December seventh, a state of war has existed between the United States and the Japanese Empire."

-President Franklin D. Roosevelt, December 8, 1941

Ho...ho...ho...

I hear music

And I hear music-related memes:

How many songs: 1,262

First song: Top of the World -- The Carpenters

Last song: You're a Better Man Than I -- The Yardbirds

Shortest: Paul Burlison Makes a Toast -- The Dempseys (.07)

Longest: Homecoming -- Green Day (9:18)

Five most played songs:

Sam Hall -- Johnny Cash
Goo Goo Muck -- the Cramps
Jack the Ripper -- Link Wray
Veruca Salt -- Danny Elfman (Willy Wonka Soundtrack)
God's Away on Business -- Tom Waits

First song that comes up on "shuffle": Buffalo Skinners -- Woody Guthrie

Number of items that come up when searching for:

"sex": 2

"death": 4

"love": 78

"you": 127

"me": 386

"cry": 8

Movie of the Week

Roll out the orange shag carpet, throw up the wood-grain panelling, melt some cheese cubes in your avocado green fondue pot and enjoy the entertainment masterpiece that was ABC's Movie of the Week.

Here's some cool trivia, according to TV Party:

In 1971-72, 18 of the 23 top-rated films broadcast on television were ABC MOTWs, thanks in no small part to the fast-paced, 30-second promotional teasers that forever redefined motion picture advertising.

Jump The Shark has a nice page dedicated to the ABC MOTW. For what it's worth, 28 votes to 1 say that MOTW never jumped the shark. One voter says it did -- with Killdozer.

I just remembered one more MOTW favorite of mine: James Brolin in Trapped. That's the one where the guy gets knocked out by juvenile delinquents and wakes up in a department store after closing time, only to find himself...TRAPPED! By 6 doberman pinschers.

Speaking of 30-second promotional spots, check this out: the original promo for The Night Stalker.

Oh, yeah. There's also an over-the-top promo featuring Connie Stevens as...The Sex Symbol.

Enjoy!

Friday Random Ten: Snowbound Edition

Today started with having to deal with the consequences of District 214's truly sh*tty and backwards-ass decision to NOT cancel classes for today: by 7:30 the car was dug out, cleaned off and the driveway was shoveled, and I had deposited one unhappy daughter at school. MizBubs, girl dynamo, cleared off the sidewalk and helped the neighbor dig out before I got home.

Then came the good news: my dentist appointment, cancelled. Haircut, cancelled. Eldest daughter's classes, cancelled. And today was my day off, and MizBubs!! I'm drinking some more coffee to gear up for another go at the driveway and front walk, and then it's a quick trip to Costco to prepare for an afternoon of cleaning and baking.

SNOW DAY!

So here is today's special snowbound edition:

What is a Santa Claus – Stan Kenton

Blue Christmas – Billy Eckstine

The Merriest – June Christy

O Tannenbaum – Vince Guaraldi Trio

Baby It’s Cold Outside – Dean Martin

Boogie Woogie Santa Claus – Lionel Hampton

The Nutcracker Suite – Les Brown & His Orchestra

Christmas Night in Harlem – Louis Armstrong

The Man With the Bag – Kay Star

Linus and Lucy – Vince Guaraldi Trio

Reasons I love my family

Check out this picture:

I get home from work at eleven o'clock, after driving through what's turning into a pretty intense ice storm out here in the northwest suburbs. I get done salting the front and back porches, hoping it will make the morning shovel easier, I come back inside, pour my bourbon...and find this, saved as the new desktop on our computer.

And I have no idea who did this. It wasn't MizBubs, I know that--I asked her when I kissed her goodnight. So it's one of the daughters. The last desktop image we had was of the ruin of Tyrone House in County Galway, Ireland. Before that I'd put up a random image of a drunk woman dancing with a penguin. We like to mix it up. I get home late, find something that amuses me, and it becomes the desktop image for a few days. My youngest gets home from school, finds something that amuses her, and it becomes the desktop. Around it goes.

I find this very comforting.

All that's left now is to fall asleep and hope that, when I awake, Harper College and Prospect High School have both cancelled classes for the day. That's what this family needs--a rockin good snow day.