For many are called, but few are chosen.

"For many are called, but few are chosen."
-Matthew 22:14

And some who are chosen, it seems, become clowns.

A few weeks ago I put up a clown training video, and it opened a door for me into a world I knew nothing about: the world of Christian Clowning.

The door opened while I was looking through some of the YouTube links to try and find out more about that clown training video. I found out, for instance, that there is a website called GodTube (the "t" in tube is a big cross) that has many, many inspiring videos. I found websites where you can get clown ministry skits to use for free. Skits like "Beating Hearts", described as "an unashamedly pro-life skit for 6 clowns." You can find all that, and more, on the website Clown Ministry.

There are websites devoted to Christian Clowning Resources; there are websites for individual performers like Kingdom Karactors (if clowns aren't your thing, they also make and sell puppets!)

But it's not all yucks and poignancy in the world of Christian clowning. There is controversy.

In January, the Milwaukee Catholic Herald featured a cover story about a Pallottine priest named Fr. Greg Serwa. Fr. Serwa, in addition to his regular duties, also appears and ministers as Stripes the Clown. Here's Fr. Serwa on his ministry:

"As a priest, you’re always dealing with things that are important to people’s lives. You have to be real gentle with people. The same can be said for clowning; little kids can be quite frightened of clowns.”

Well, this feature provoked a somewhat angry response in the "Off The Record" section of Catholic World News:

Putting aside the fact that many people are creeped out by clowns, it's hard to see the point of foregrounding this kind of story as part of vocation promotion. ... After all, do we want to entice into the priesthood the kind of 22-year-old male that would be attracted by Stripes?

Finally, I stumbled onto an organization called Clowning 4 Christ. Clowning for Christ hosts a series of 2-day conferences around the country. The next one will be in Cincinnatti, Ohio, in April. There's a clowning competition, and workshops on hospital clowning, marketing your clown show, and "mime juggling."

Now, I don't know, personally, if a Clowning for Christ Clown Conference would be as much fun as Jesus Camp or Hell House, but I'd like to find out.

A cunning move by the clowning community

I've been outmaneuvered by the clowns. In a cunning move by the clowning community, they apparently scheduled the 24th annual Clowns of America International Convention for the exact same week that they knew I would be busy attending the ILEETA training conference!

The convention is being held in Clarksville, Indiana, right across the river from Louisville. They are offering a variety of classes and contests, and the event ends with a clown worship service on Sunday. Clowns can buy a wide variety of clown merchandise such as costume noses:



This clown is shown demonstrating a technique for sucking the life essence out of a small child:

On a positive note, I've made a useful discovery. It seems that clowns use certain types of jewelry to recognize each other while in disguise as regular folk:



Ah well. I can't be in two places at the same time, so I guess it's back to ILEETA tomorrow. The work continues.

You can see these and more clowny photos in this feature from the Louisville Courier-Journal. I applaud the Courier-Journal for publishing these photos, even if the Courier-Journal failed to grasp their true nature.

Why, I'll tell you who that clown is...

That clown you see up there?

That's none other than Sabrina Duncan, one of Charlie's Angels. She's known in real life as Kate Jackson:



Sabrina went undercover as a clown in episode # 54, Angels Ahoy.

Hats off to Cormac Brown for seeing behind the greasepaint and recognizing Ms. Jackson. An honorable mention goes out to Megan for remembering the episode where the Angels went undercover as clowns. There were actually two clown episodes.

The other episode that featured a clown Angel was episode # 24, Angels on Ice. In that episode Kris (Cheryl Ladd) goes undercover as a skate clown:

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Now, in a spirit of public service, I'd like to offer a brief guide to clown identification:

SPRAWLING RAMSHACKLE COMPOUND PRESENTS
KNOW YOUR CLOWNS

John Wayne Gacy, the original "killer clown".

Homey D. Clown (Damon Wayans)

Krusty the Clown, alongside Homie the Clown

Bozo the Clown

Jerry Lewis (from his never-released movie The Day the Clown Cried, about a clown who gets sent to a concentration camp in Nazi Germany).

Carrot Top

Red Buttons

Red Skelton

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There. Now you know. If you'd like to learn more about contemporary predator clowns, just click on this link and scroll back through some of my older posts.

Happy trails.

Given a choice

Given a choice, would you take Christian Clowns?

Or Christian nudists?

Before you choose, read this article:

Naked Before God

I'll leave it up to you to decide. Ministering clowns or Bible-believing nudists. I'll tell you this, though--at the rate things are going, Tennessee and Virginia are both well on the way to becoming the new Florida.

An open letter to President Obama

It felt good to say that--"President Obama". I felt compelled to write this letter to our new president.

_____________________

Dear President Obama,

I write to you today in a spirit of great hope for the future. You have made it clear that we are faced with many grave and daunting tasks, and you have promised to begin work immediately. I applaud you for your determination and your honesty in facing the difficult times ahead, and the forthright way in which you call upon we, the people, to pitch in and work together.

There are many pressing issues. You will be called upon immediately to take steps to right the economy. There are millions of Americans lacking health care. Our brave military is still engaged in Iraq and Afghanistan. And you're still going to have to do a lot of damage control after the whole Rick Warren thing. Yes, you are.

Truly, there are dozens of issues requiring your immediate action and attention. You said today

"We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness."

Your phrase "childish things" struck a chord in me, and in that spirit, as a proud and vigilant American voter, I have only one request of your administration.

Please do something about the clowns. Specifically, the abstinence-only clowns.

I recently learned that the outgoing administration has spent nearly $1.5 billion on abstinence-only sex education. That money has been doled out to a variety of organizations like Elizabeth's New Life Center, which got a grant for $800,000. And that money helped pay the salary of a clown named Derek Dye, proud graduate of Barnum & Bailey Clown College, so that Derek could toss out bon mots to middle schoolers, like "Sex before marriage will destroy all of your life’s dreams!” while wearing a bad sweater vest and juggling bowling pins. Derek is pictured here:

And you can see a video of his mad juggling skillz here:



My bride, reading this over my shoulder and seeing the video of Mr. Dye, piped up. She said, and I quote, "I'd take abstinence-only education a lot more seriously if anyone who looked like they had even a remote chance of getting f*cked was promoting it." Mr. President, I've learned to trust her judgment on things like this.

So there you have it, Mr. President. Do our nation proud, and stop the madness. We're only one executive order away from an abstinence-only clown-free America.

God bless you, and God bless the United States of America.


*Thanks to Splotchy for the heads-up.

Weenie Waver Wednesday!

I had an interesting report cross my desk yesterday. One of our local nursing homes reported that an unknown male subject, apparently dressed as a woman in a wig and tights, came in the main entrance while the door was propped open at shift change.

The unknown cross-dresser roamed around, was challenged once or twice in different areas of the facility by employees asking what he was doing there, and eventually left the building after somehow shedding his wig. No thefts were reported, and no one knows what he was doing there. The incident occurred around 10:30 pm. It's possible that he wandered in from the nearby forest preserve and wanted to change clothes before returning home to his family, but as of right now we don't know. Something about this report bothered me, but I couldn't figure out what it was.

Was it the random and unexplained nature of the incident? Was I disturbed by the idea of an anonymous cross-dresser emerging from the forest preserve late at night to roam the halls of a nursing home? Was it the mystery of the disappearing wig?

What it was, was that the combination of forest preserve, cross-dressing and inexplicable behavior reminded me that it's been months since I did a Weenie Waver Wednesday!

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First up, meet 55 year old Hoosier Larry Wayne Williamson. Police were called to investigate a man "masturbating in a public park", but once they arrived they found so much more.



They found Mr. Willaimson "sitting on a picnic table naked, masturbating, with a metal rod protruding from his penis." But wait, that's not all:

A search of Williamson's vehicle, located in the park, uncovered sex toys, binoculars, a small dog, cotton candy, candy, male enhancement pills, energy pills and supplements, marijuana, drug paraphernalia and "a variety of other suspicious and unusual items," according to a Vanderburgh County Sheriff's Department news release.

There was no word on the diameter or length of the metal rod, or its special role in Mr. Williamson's fantasy life.

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Moving north from Indiana to Michigan, we find the case of Swan Creek Township resident Jason Savage.

Mr. Savage, apparently an early riser, was discovered by a police officer at a local car wash at 6:45 am. The officer had been dispatched to investigate a suspicious person. When the officer arrived, he saw Savage in one of the wash bays and heard a vacuum running. As the officer approached he found Savage engaged in an act of copulation with the business end of the vacuum.

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In news from the west, 32 year old Tyson Degenhart of Minden, Nevada, was arrested after exposing himself to a 17 year old girl. Degenhart was nude at the time, and riding a dirt bike. Not content with simply waving his wand at the victim, Mr. Degenhart also led police on a chase, on his dirt bike, naked, until he crashed.

Alcohol was involved. Degenhart's blood alcohol content was more than three times the legal limit. It should be noted that Degenhart was listed as a resident of "Johnson Lane".

_____________________

On a reassuring note, it looks like recent reports of predatory clown sightings in Chicago might be nothing more than the most recent incarnation of an urban myth.

A recent post at Second City Cop addresses the issue, and there are some entertaining comments. I especially liked this one:

F*cking clowns. You know, back when coyotes were a problem, the various states and counties paid a bounty for each pelt you brought it.

Tell me why that wouldn't work on clowns.

Urban myth or no, constant vigilance remains the best policy.

It's nice to be thought of...

Yesterday was one of those strange plate of shrimp days. The lattice of coincidence made several connections.

On the one hand, it's nice to know that readers and friends think of me and are quick to send stories that they think I'll get a kick out of, or use here for material. On the other hand, it's a sobering moment when you realize that when people see a story about predatory clowns or goat f*cking, you're the first person they think of. Take that, high school teachers who thought I'd never amount to anything!

Yesterday, March 13, was the 29th anniversary of the conviction of famous clown and Democratic precinct captain John Wayne Gacy. I thought that was a nice opportunity for a creepy clown post.

Before I could get started, I got an email from noted ghost hunter Marni alerting me that Stephen King's IT is about to be released on the big screen. You can thank her for the nice picture at the top of this post.

Splotchy sent me a BoingBoing link titled Mark Dery's Pyrotechnic Insanitarium Revival. You can thank them for reminding me of one of my favorite clown pictures, which I offer to you here:

Mark Dery is the author of The Pyrotechnic Insanitarium: American Culture on the Brink, a rollicking millenial nightmare published in 1999. He has recently put an essay from that book up on the interwebs in readable PDF format. It's titled Cotton Candy Autopsy: Deconstructing Psycho Killer Clowns. Enjoy the read.

Then another email from my favorite provocative and occasionally potty-mouthed pastry chef Jin. She thoughtfully updated me on the Florida legislature's ongoing efforts to make bestiality illegal. The case featured in the article involved a man who was arrested but never charged after asphyxiating Meg the Goat during copulation. He was prosecuted after another kidnapping (heh) several months later.

Yes, Florida currently has no law against bestiality. They've been working on addressing this problem for more than a year, and still haven't arrived at a suitable piece of legislation. The last time Florida's "anything goes" bestiality problem was in the news was in April 2008, when blind man Alan Yoder was arrested for sodomizing his guide dog. I profiled his case, and a few others, here.

I have no good closer for this, so I'll leave you with Crispin Glover. Have a nice day.

Midweek Freak Extravaganza

I've got a little time on my hands. I'm in the middle of three days off, I've run my errands, done some of the housecleaning I'd planned on, and I've decided it's a good time to take a break from preparing my documents for next week's visit to the tax lady. I looked back through my saved Google and Reuters email alerts, and my "ideas for blog posts" bookmarks, and realized I've got a backlog. While I like to do a quasi-regular Weenie-Waver Wednesday, it just seemed like this week's collection of sex offenders were more horrible and sad than entertaining. I included the clown because, well, he's a clown. But other than that, no weenie-wavers.

So consider this post kind of a review, a freak follies if you will--a little of this, a little of that, and the year's first Germany or Florida at the end.

Before I get started, a quick update on a former Freak of the Week: Mr. Garth Flaherty. Back in March, 2007, Garth was arrested for a series of panty thefts; police found 93 pounds of women's underwear in his home. In an example of why freaks like Garth are frequently found on this blog and not in an institution, Flaherty was sentenced to only 45 days in jail, of which 30 can be served as community service. So, after all those thefts, all those burglaries, all that damnable...creepiness, here he is: back in circulation with the rest of us.

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Part One: Women Behaving Badly

An unknown woman in Murfreesboro, Tennessee, popped her top so to speak: she removed her blouse and slapped a police officer after being asked to quiet down. Alcohol was involved.

An unknown Palo Alto woman created a disturbance at a local Whole Foods by screaming, stripping herself naked, and throwing her underwear before sitting down on the floor. Details were sketchy as to whether any passersby were struck by her unmentionables.
Nicole Josephson of Des Moines, Iowa, was arrested following a domestic disturbance at her home. Ms. Josephson argued with her boyfriend, Michael Hickman. That argument resulted in Ms. Josephson taking Mr. Hickman's pizza out of the oven and dumping it in the sink. Mr. Hickman took Ms. Josephson's hardboiled eggs off the stove and dumped them into the sink. Ms. Josephson stabbed Mr. Hickman with some scissors. Mr. Hickman retreated to the neighborhood tavern, where a caring bartender dressed Mr. Hickman's wounds.

41-year old Donna Sturkie-Anthony, of North Huntingdon, PA, was arrested after beating her 43-year old sister with the sister's prosthetic leg. The report does not indicate whether or not the offender yanked the fake leg off of the victim's body prior to beating her with it. It may surprise you to discover that this incident occurred in a trailer park.

Noted British testicle ripper Amanda Monti was sentenced to prison. The report does not say for how long, but it does contain this wonderful statement from Ms. Monti:

"It was never my intention to cause harm to Geoff and the fact that I have caused him injury will live with me forever. I am in no way a violent person."

According to this article in the Australian Courier Mail, and this story from The Sun, Ms. Monti became enraged that the victim did not want to have sex with her. She grabbed his sack, ripped away, and then tried swallowing his testicle. When she gagged and spit out the loose ball, an alert friend of the victim grabbed it and handed it back to the victim, saying "that's yours."

_____________________

Part Two: Australian and British Journalism

The Courier Mail "Weird Stuff" section has been a great source lately. In addition to the ball-ripping yarn offered above (which, I forgot to mention, also featured a gallery titled world's notorious penis-slashers and victims) I also found these stories:

Transplant eyeball sent to pub

Man dies in crocodile orgy (now you know that caught my attention!)

And, finally, I learned about a sad little Japanese man named Takahiro Fujinuma, "37, single and unemployed" who was arrested after calling directory assistance more than 10,000 times. Why did he do this?

Because he liked to be scolded by the operators: "I would go into ecstasy when a lady scolded me".

I think that I may seriously have to reconsider the entire Germany or Florida paradigm. It might be much more appropriate to do "Britain or Australia".

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Part Three: Send in the Clowns

Ugh. Michael Fernsler of Franklin County, PA, known as Chuckles the Clown, was sentenced to 26-52 years in prison for sexually assaulting children. Michael Fernsler was also known as Officer Fernsler, and was a foster parent as well. He performed at police and fire functions, and at a local church.

What the fuck? I thought that the combination of clown/cop/religious figure would not be seen more than once. I feel bad for the guys who worked with this clown; all the cops I know are as creeped out by clowns as I am, and I can't imagine they enjoyed working next to this freak.

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Part Four: Germany or Florida

Ok, you guys know the rules: guess the origin of the story, list your answers in the comments, and I'll name the winners in a day or two.

1. A sold cellular phone reveals video of a woman beating her child, leading to her arrest.
2. Neighbors complain about the scantily-clad model on the sign for a "gentlemans club" in their neighborhood.
3. A business owner fires three non-smoking employees for asking for a smoke-free environment.
4. A yuletide prankster torments his victim by placing Christmas trees in front of his house.
5. A man attempting to throw his old Christmas tree out of his apartment window falls three stories and suffers severe head injuries.
6. A travel agency offers a clothing-optional charter flight for customers heading to a beachside nudist resort.
7. A man sets his apartment on fire when he mistakes a bottle of gasoline for a bottle of booze, takes a big gulp and then spits it out. While smoking.
8. A hitman makes four unsuccessful attempts on an elderly couple.
9. A couple were fired from their jobs when their employer found out that, instead of attending a seminar, they went to an S&M dungeon on the company's dime.
   

Let's face facts

It may be Friday, but that doesn't necessarily mean there's been any progress. It's still clowns, as far as I can see.

Next time you see me, buy me a drink and ask me to tell you the story about the political crony, the crack whores, the gun and the dildos. It's a pip.

Thank you, and God bless you all!

Well, this is a difficult post to write. I'm so full of love for all of you right now, bursting with it, and have so many things that I want to say...but I'll just try and make this brief.

5 years, 11 months, and 25 days ago I started a blog to have some fun, reach out to people and entertain myself. Along the way I landed a blogging gig with ChicagoNow, and even got on the radio a few times. It's been a blast, and I can't thank you guys enough for reading, commenting and re-tweeting over the years..

Lately, though, I've felt something missing in my life. I began to realize that too much of my time and energy were being spent in what was, in effect, a rather shallow series of clown jokes, stories about weenie-wavers, and self-satisfied crowing about how much I ate and drank. I've also become less satisfied with my career as a law enforcement officer. For some time now I've spent hours thinking about how I could better live a life of service, compared to the well-paid and complacent civil servant's life I now lead.

I have wrestled with both demons and Lincoln's "better angels" of my nature. And I have made a decision. A trip down south affected me in a profound, and I hope lasting, way.

This is my last blog post.

I have taken a leave of absence from my job, pending my retirement. I have purchased a used Dodge minivan and converted it to a makeshift camper. I had hoped to buy a mobile home in which to travel the shining gospel way, but it didn't work out.

On Monday I will be driving south to New Orleans where I will be joining a recently-formed street ministry, the Good News Living Statue Ministry. I ran into some of these folks during a trip to New Orleans, as several of them acted out the Stations of the Cross around Jackson Square. As I stumbled out of a nearby daiquiri stand and crashed into one of the soldiers scourging the Christ, I felt a profound sense of disorientation and longing, and knew I'd been truly touched.

The GNLSM ministers mostly to gutter punks, street performers and tourists in the French Quarter. They do so mainly by acting out various Gospel passages while spray-painted gold or silver, in the manner of many New Orleans street performers. I was moved by the depth and intensity of their devotion to the Gospel, as well as to the art of living statue performance. They are truly Godly people, and other than a brief (but ugly) confrontation with a group of traveling Clowns for Christ, I have found them to be beyond reproach. I have signed on to act as a fry cook and go-fer for the troupe until I "learn the ropes" as a living statue and New Testament reenactor.

My beautiful wife and children, while not fully comprehending my decision, are nevertheless pretty much supportive of it. They will remain here performing earthly duties such as bill payment and home maintenance while I carry out God's work down south. They are my rock.

Please pray for me, as I will for all of you. God bless you all!

Well...that's it for now I guess.

It's been swell.

Right now my head is spinning. This week marked the beginning of my return to school. The combination of overtime, my poor attention span and my failure to pick up my new reading glasses has made it a real challenge. The subject--"Research methods in management science" didn't help any. But I persevered, and completed what I needed to do. Only 7 weeks to go.

Yesterday MizBubs and I spent the day at Angelic Organics farm attending a workshop entitled "Farm Dreams: Addressing risks and resources to start a small farm or market garden". The picture of the lovely goat who graced yesterday's post was taken at that event.

Angelic Organics is one of the largest (if not the largest) CSA in the United States. Each week they pack about 1,400 boxes of fresh produce destined for their shareholders. The proprietor of the farm is the subject of an interesting little documentary titled The Real Dirt on Farmer John.

MizBubs and I know that what we want to do is to check out of where we're at, and head for someplace a little greener and more pastoral. We are officially on the 2-4 year plan for that. Anyway, we attended this workshop, got a nice tour of the farm, and reinforced our notions of what we want to do--which is to be out in the country playing in the dirt.

In the meantime, what do we do? We have a daughter who starts her junior year of high school in two weeks, and another who's half way through college. I have 7 months until I become eligible for my sweet police pension, but I have 4 years until I can begin to collect it. I have thrown myself into graduate school to attempt a master's degree in management, so I can successfully whore myself out to corporate America if necessary. No, wait, that sounds ugly. I'm doing the graduate school thing because I want to have more employment options when I pull the plug on my career in the next few years. I have a book I want to write that is for now a growing collection of articles and unread books and clever phrases banging around in my head that I can't put to paper. MizBubs is busy learning more about sustainable farming and is looking at going back to college as well.

Work continues to consume and amuse. I put in nearly 20 hours of overtime in the last week as a result of a flareup in gang activity and a robbery that landed an 85 year old woman in the hospital. I did hear one of the best lines I've heard in a while, from a loud, angry drunk who felt he'd been disrespected by the scrawny Polish-speaking bartender at a banquet hall:

"Yeah some time ah gotta indication ah oughtta knock a motherfuckah OUT."

As I heard this I was standing about 15 feet away, talking to a dapper gentleman in a creamy 4 button suit and bright blue shoes, trying to figure out what happened before the indication man's meltdown.

Yes indeed. Some times I get a indication too. Right now I'm getting a indication that something has to give, and for now it's going to be blogging. At least for a few weeks, until I get my head screwed on straight. Heck, knowing how I like to blab, it'll probably only be for 4 or 5 days. Who knows.

I haven't been commenting on other blogs. I'm lucky when I even get to read them. The fact is, I'd rather be a-bloggin' than reading about quantitative research methods, but this isn't going to bring me any closer to a master's degree. The main thing is, we are developing a plan, and right now I can't afford to be doing anything that doesn't help put me closer to where I want to be.

You know I like visiting y'all, and reading what you have to say, and following all your kooky links. And I like posting, and making y'all uncomfortable with freaks and clowns, and lord knows I'll never forgive myself if a single person falls victim to crack cocaine-fueled alligator attack because I didn't do my job.

All that being said, for now I'm taking a powder folks.

But first I'll give you a Sunday afternoon cocktail, and some tasty food images to chew on while I'm away:

The bee-stung julep

8 mint leaves
1/2 oz organic honey
2 oz Wild Turkey 101 bourbon

Muddle the honey and mint leaves together (use less honey than you would bar syrup in a traditional julep) in the bottom of a tall glass

Add bourbon, mix some more

Fill with ice (preferably crushed, but we were too lazy to do that yesterday)

Top with a splash of water if desired, and garnish with a sprig of fresh mint

Dinner on Sunday was lovely. The lovely and gracious MizBubs really outdid herself in the bounty-of-the-earth department. We picked up some tomatoes at the farm, and our own tomato harvest has started. Our own produce stacked up very nicely, thank you.

MizBubs sliced some tomatoes and fresh mozzarella and herbs



Then she made a chilled green bean and chickpea salad, again with the herbs from our garden. It was redolent of lemon thyme, and garnished with nasturtium flowers, as were the tomatoes

I cooked pork. Pork tenderloin crusted in creole mustard and panko, and some roasted sweet potatoes. The overall effect on the plate, and on the palate, was pleasing



See you later, alligators. I'll be around.

There is no "I" in team

But there are plenty of clowns.

Furries

Thank you, Bawb the Revelator, Dream City bureau chief.

Bawb is a Pittsburgh Steelers fan, and is constantly finding stories based in Pittsburgh. So I can thank him for starting my week off with a story about...furries:

Anthrocons convention turns city into 'real zoo'

Turns out the biggest furry convention in the world, Anthrocon, takes place in Pittsburgh--not Chicago, or New York, or San Francisco. Who'd have thought?

Oh, one more thing: don't mistake furries for plushies.

Then I had a thought: what if there were furry clowns? Well, guess what--there are:

Clown killer remains at large...

I hope you vicious clown haters are happy now:

Two circus clowns have been shot dead during a performance

I think that either drugs or Marxist politics may have been involved.

Back to work, you

Your coworkers are depending on you.

**NOTE: This does not apply to Canadians or the unemployed. If you are Canadian, please accept our warmest wishes for a happy Thanksgiving! If you are unemployed, then hopefully the only clowns you'll be facing today will be on daytime television, and not in your office.

I may need a lot of things, but I'll get nothing and like it

Since I am thoroughly lazy and happy to rip off other folks' good ideas, this is a perfect Sunday morning post. Marni, Lulu and Tenacious S have all done it. As with any trend not involving animal attacks or clowns, I'm way behind the curve.

I typed in "Bubs needs" and googled away, and came to a disturbing discovery. Evidently, somewhere in the English-speaking world, "bubs" must be a common way of referring to a baby:

Sometimes bub's needs will have to come first but remember to think of the other kids and family members.

bubs needs a nappy change

bubs needs to be in bed for a min of 2 hours

I plan on throwing away the books and listening to what bubs needs.

bubs needs the extra iron now

Frankly, I'd be putting the bub's needs first

Finally I got a little further into the search and found a more academic Bubs:

Bub needs to solve the measurement problem (a. problem that Kochen and Specker never discuss)

Bub needs an argument that hidden variable theories that are empirically equivalent to the standard theory are unacceptable to establish his subthesis 1.

I assure you all that I am not a cannibal (unless I crashed on a snowy mountain with a plane full of soccer players, or got lost in the Rockies with some prospectors):

but don't you think bub needs to be eating a person's kidney or something?

Bubs needs a thread. There is alot of love for him. ...Well, ok. I can get behind that last one.

I decided to see how the results would change if I didn't use my nom de blog. BINGO! Now this is a list of stuff I really need:

Joe needs to remember that he is vulnerable to anything that gives an emotional uplift

Joe needs your help to find his broccoli!

Joe Needs Your Help!

Joe needs two cracking matches to avoid going down to reserve and he is capable of doing it if everything is right.

Joe needs to be at this year’s All-Star game in Las Vegas (obviously this person heard about my Las Vegas disappointment earlier this year.)

Joe needs to go.

Joe needs to win it all.

Joe needs to shut his browser when leaving for meetings

joe needs his beauty sleep.

JOE Needs Good Commentaries

Joe needs to get to the other side of the chasm where there are only 2 valves

JOE needs to keep his BIG NOSE out of his life.

JOE needs to give you a can of Italian Whoop Ass (Even if I'm not Italian? Why not?!)

Joe needs $7777 to support 4 months of intensive fund-raising

Joe needs to see a win, and catch a break.

Today is Murderous Clown Monday

This is my work week in a nutshell: dames, clowns, violence and glue-sniffing.

Thank you, and God bless you all!

Well, this is a difficult post to write. I'm so full of love for all of you right now, bursting with it, and have so many things that I want to say...but I'll try and make this brief.

5 years, 11 months, and 25 days ago I started a blog to have some fun, reach out to people and entertain myself. Along the way I landed a blogging gig with ChicagoNow, and even got on the radio a few times. It's been a blast, and I can't thank you guys enough for reading, commenting and re-tweeting over the years..

Lately, though, I've felt something missing in my life. I realized that too much of my time and energy was being spent in what was, ultimately, a rather shallow series of clown jokes, stories about weenie-wavers, and self-satisfied crowing about how much I ate and drank. I've also become less satisfied with my career as a law enforcement officer. For some time now I've spent hours thinking about how I could better live a life of service, compared to the well-paid and complacent civil servant's life I now lead.

I have wrestled with both demons and Lincoln's "better angels" of my nature. And I have made a decision. A trip down south affected me in a profound, and I hope lasting, way.

This is my last blog post.

I have taken a leave of absence from my job, pending my retirement. I have purchased a used Dodge minivan and converted it to a makeshift camper. I had hoped to buy a mobile home in which to travel the shining gospel way, but it didn't work out.

On Monday I will be driving south to New Orleans where I will be joining a recently-formed street ministry, the Good News Living Statue Ministry. I ran into some of these folks during a trip to New Orleans, as several of them acted out the Stations of the Cross around Jackson Square. As I stumbled out of a nearby daiquiri stand and crashed into one of the soldiers scourging the Christ, I felt a profound sense of disorientation and longing, and knew I'd been truly touched.

The GNLSM ministers mostly to gutter punks, street performers and tourists in the French Quarter. They do so mainly by acting out various Gospel passages while spray-painted gold or silver, in the manner of many New Orleans street performers. I was moved by the depth and intensity of their devotion to the Gospel, as well as to the art of living statue performance. They are truly Godly people, and other than a brief (but ugly) confrontation with a group of traveling Clowns for Christ, I have found them to be beyond reproach. I have signed on to act as a fry cook and go-fer for the troupe until I "learn the ropes" as a living statue and New Testament reenactor.

My beautiful wife and children, while not fully comprehending my decision, are nevertheless pretty much supportive of it. They will remain here performing earthly duties such as bill payment and home maintenance while I carry out God's work down south. They are my rock.

Please pray for me, as I will for all of you. God bless you all!

She-clown ripoff!

When they're not smuggling dope into jail, or sneaking up behind vacationing narcozoologists, what do she-clowns do?

They gain the trust of elderly widows and empty their bank accounts.

Carrie L. Williams-Thompson, 48, of Prescott, Arizona, entertained as "Kooki the Clown." She also worked as a bereavement counselor (?!?) and is believed to have met the victim in that capacity. Kooki got herself a power of attorney and cleaned about a half million in clown cash out of the victim's bank accounts.

Police caught up with her in California, where she was performing at a fair. I can only hope she was in costume when she got pinched. Kooki is now awaiting extradition to Arizona.

Strangest of all, considering that this is a clown case, is that no drugs or perversion were involved. As far as we know.

Law Enforcement Quote of the Week

"Skates the Clown will not be skating around any federal laws. His show is now concluded."

-FBI spokesman Seann Quinn

It should come as no surprise to any thinking person that another clown has broken bad on us. In this case, Walter Homan of Beachwood, New Jersey, was arrested by the FBI and charged in US court. Homan had been arrested on state charges in 2006:

'Skates the Clown' Faces Child Porn Charges

Thank you, Google News Alerts.

Always remember friends--with clowns, as with alligators, the best policy is constant vigilance!