Midday pick-me-up

The DVD This is Tom Jones is about to be released in the US. I've got it saved on my Amazon wishlist; hopefully some astute family member will snap it up for me sometime between now and Fathers Day.

Sing it Janis!

I wish I was at the movies

Splotchy graciously refrained from tagging me with this one, so I tagged myself.

I love movies, and I don't know why I don't see that many in theaters any more...I really don't see as many on DVD, either.

First movie you saw in a theater?

You Only Live Twice at the drive-in with my parents. Then, maybe Planet of the Apes, also with my parents at the drive-in.

Last movie you saw in a theater?

Grindhouse. I loved the trailers, really liked Planet Terror, and was not that impressed with Death Proof. Seeing a bunch of chicks sitting around talking like Quentin Tarrantino was less than impressive, but the car chase almost made up for it.

Crappiest moviegoing theater experience?

I can't remember one, really. I vaguely remember seeing some slasher and kung fu movies at the old Essanes Woods in the Loop, sticky floors, rodents and all. But it only cost a buck or two to get in and I was usually drinking.

Best moviegoing theater experience?

A couple of things come to mind. First, one of my favorite things to do is go to the movies in the middle of the summer, when it's hot out and intensely sunny. The feeling of settling into a darkened theater when it's sunny and 90+ outside is great, and then I love that blinded, dazed feeling you get when you go back outside. Second, I will always remember when Pee Wee's Big Adventure came out--the opening of that film was so fun and manic, and I realized I was seeing something totally different from anything I'd seen before.

What's a movie you *have* to see on the big screen?

Gone with the Wind? I don't know. All movies are better that way.


Have you even seen the same movie more than once in the same day?

Oh yeah. Young Frankenstein when it came out, Star Wars too.

Have you ever snuck into a theater to see a movie?

Yes, after seeing another movie in the same theater that I'd paid for. Matter of fact, that's one of my favorite things to do, but I can't get my cursedly ethical kids to do it with me. One of life's great pleasures is having an entire afternoon free, and hopping from feature to feature at the multiplex. Sticking it to the man, while consuming his corporate-produced entertainment.

Ever walked out on a movie?

Nope. Any movie I've had doubts about I've waited to see on video/DVD. Even then, the number I've given up on is slim--usually forgettable direct-to-video horror crap. The only feature film I remember deliberately not finishing was David Lynch's Lost Highway.


Movie snack of choice?

Chocolate covered almonds alternated with handfuls of salted, buttered popcorn.

Wiccan war hero finally gets pentacle on his grave

Back in July I did a post about the Department of Veterans Affairs' refusal to allow pentacles to inscribed on military memorials or grave markers.

Well, here's an update:

The VA just settled a lawsuit and will now allow pentacles to be placed on the grave markers of Wiccan soldiers. There are eleven families currently waiting for grave markers with pentacles.

The pentacle now joins 38 other recognized symbols that may be placed on the graves of veterans.

Monday: Time to face that porn addiction

Monday, the start of a new week. Back to the grind of work and school, hopefully after a good weekend spent with family. If you're lucky the religious services you attended were particularly comforting or inspiring, and you want to carry that Sunday morning feeling into your regular life.

So, really, there's no better time to face that porn addiction. And according to this story, there's a religious institution in "rural central Kentucky" to help you with that. No TV. No computers. Just plenty of prayer and support to help "porn addicts spend six months on a desperate path to salvation."

While many of you know me as the nation's leading expert on narcozoology, I also have more than a passing interest in the religion/porn nexus. I guess I'm a little suspect of Kristians (using the term coined by Coaster Punchman) who, driven by their faith, appear more interested in regulating sexual behavior than in, say, feeding the hungry, or clothing the poor, or just plain old preaching the Gospel--the things that are commonly known as Works of Mercy.

The organization referenced in the article is known as Pure Life Ministries. Go and take a look around; you'll find articles like The Insanity of Sexual Sin and ads for books like Intoxicated With Babylon (Rip the mask off the harlot's face!!!)

What I'm really interested in, though, is the Live-In Program:

"Each man is assigned a personal counselor who has overcome habitual sexual sin himself and is trained in biblical counseling. The weekly curriculum is a combination of PLM materials and biblical homework/study."

Perfect. You stumble into this institution desperate to overcome your sins, and you get assigned to a recovered chronic masturbator, who's now a "counselor," wielding a Bible. I imagine a scene similar to the one in the new Casino Royale where James Bond is tied, naked, to a bottomless chair and then whipped in the johnson with a wet rope. Only in this version the guy doing the whipping has a Kentucky accent and is yelling "THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU" at the hapless jerkoff artist strapped in the chair.

What do you think the scene is like when you put a bunch of "sex addicts" together and throw in a load of Bible reading and laying-on of hands? How many people in that environment are pretty much getting off on discussing their sex lives with others?

The mind reels.

Hoosier schoolgirl gets medieval...

“It’s heavy, and it’s metal, and it’s sharp,” Detective Sgt. Darlene Breitenstein said after delivering the girl to the Lake County (Ind.) Juvenile Justice Center, where she is being held on battery charges.


"That type of weapon would surprise anyone,” said Lt. Samuel Roberts of the Gary Police Department. “It's not the typical weapon that you may find at a school."

ILEETA Conference, Day 5: Time to self-medicate

There's nothing wrong with me that handfuls of ibuprofen, glasses of bourbon and 12 hours of sleep can't fix. And maybe some massage, and a few visits to my chiropractor.

Today was the last day of the ILEETA conference, and I spent the day (8 hours) attending a class taught by mixed martial arts fighter Frank Shamrock. What a nice guy! There were about 80 guys (and two or three gals) in the class, and Frank came around and personally talked to and coached every person in the room at least 6 or 7 times by the time the class ended. I was pleased and surprised to see not a hint of arrogance or ego. What an excellent coach.

The class was a distilled version of Frank's mixed martial arts for law enforcement program. It was a blast. We did lots of stuff that looked like this:



And now I'm paying for it. Oww. My balls got mashed, the insides of my thighs and my upper arms are covered in bruises, and my back and shoulders are all seized up. But God was it fun!

So now the conference is over.

I won a final raffle prize yesterday, a $50 gift certificate for a law enforcement book publisher. I need to go to their website and pick out some stimulating reading.

Tomorrow I return to work and start thinking of ways to apply my newfound knowledge to our training program there.

Good times!

Non-Random Ten

God's Away on Business--Tom Waits
Hey Joe--The Leaves
I Fought The Law--Sonny Curtis
Which Side Are You On--Bob Bovee
Clampdown--The Clash
Goon Squad--Elvis Costello
East Texas Red--Arlo Guthrie
Vigilante Man--Bruce Springsteen
Guns of Brixton--The Clash
And the Band Played Waltzing Matilda--The Pogues

ILEETA Conference, Day 3: Look ma, I'm an armorer

I am now a certified Glock pistol armorer. That's how I spent my day--disassembling and reassembling Glock pistols, and learning fixes for common problems. So, uh, if any of you readers need a Glock pistol cleaned and inspected, or need any simple repairs done, let me know.

Badger badger badger...

"When they are having sex they howl and scream and when they are fighting they make terrible blood-curdling noises as if they are being murdered."

ILEETA Conference, Day 2: defying stereotypes

What better way to defy police stereotypes than by hosting...a donut eating contest.

Today ended with the annual World Cop Donut Eating Championship. Each contestant was assigned a donut deputy to monitor the number of donuts he consumed within the three minute time limit. The proceeds go to the National Law Enforcement Officers Memorial Fund.

It's true. We love donuts, or as some of us refer to them, "power rings."

_______________________________

While donut-eating brought the day to a rollicking close, the day started on a somber note--a minute of silence for the victims of the Virginia Tech shooting. I know I haven't said anything about the killings before now. Honestly, I find the immensity of it too much to deal with, and I know I don't have the ability to even begin to address it. So I'll stick to stories about alligators and perverts, subjects with which I'm more comfortable. I was hoping that I'd find out more about the shootings--at least about the police response and investigation--from someone at the conference. There are a number of cops and vendors from Virginia there I think, but no one has any information beyond what's been in the news. In the meantime I'll just hug my wife and my children tight, be thankful for what I have, and pray for strength and comfort for all the people affected by this horror.

The opening speech was given by Ukiah, California police sergeant Marcus Young. In March 2003, while making a shoplifting arrest, Sgt. Young was attacked by a white supremacist who was with the person arrested by Sgt. Young. Sgt. Young was shot multiple times; his wounds included having his gun hand totally disabled. A police cadet ride-along came to Sgt. Young's aid, placing Sgt. Young's duty firearm in his left hand, allowing Sgt. Young to shoot the attacker 4 times, killing him.

Thinking about those kids in Virginia, and being in the presence of someone like Marcus Young, was humbling beyond words.

ILEETA Conference, Day 1: high on swag

Well, day one is over, and I'm sitting here looking over my swag from today. The conference organizers really outdid themselves this year. Here's the haul so far:

-2 ILEETA logo polo shirts

-An ILEETA sweatshirt

-An ILEETA hooded sweatshirt

-A laptop computer briefcase (this saved me some money, because I was about to buy one this week.)

-A black nylon gym bag with the ILEETA logo tastefully displayed on the side, containing:
-A Princeton Tec mini flashlight
-A 1gig flash drive
-2 pepper sprays
-A notebook/binder
-A whole bunch of free pens, carabiners, mini-lights, stress balls and assorted brochures and publications.

Then, while going around the vendors, I picked up a Magnum Claw. The Magnum Claw is a cool tire spike contraption that you can place under the wheel of a parked car; the car drives over the spikes and is deflated. Good times! I also got some more flash drives, a little stress ball shaped like a hand grenade, a canvass tote bag and some gun cleaning supplies from OTIS and a bunch more stuff than I can remember. Finally, I won a coupon for half off the price of a groundfighting class I'm interested in.

Oh, man, I bought some stuff too. Two new KA-BAR knives: a TDI law enforcement knife, and a new product called a TDI-LDK, that's a small knife that can be worn around the neck, or laced into a boot. I also picked up some new neoprene shooting gloves.

Cross your fingers for me, or chant nam myoho renge kyo, or something, because they have a kick-ass raffle later this week. The Bubs family arsenal could really expand if I get lucky.

Sex in the stacks

I think that our brothers and sisters to the north have much to be proud of this week. Once again, Wisconsin leads the way, miles ahead of us F.I.B.'s to the south.

No, I'm not talking about necrophilia, or oddballs f*cking roadkill. I'm talking about privacy rights--specifically, the privacy rights of library patrons. Even more specifically, the right of library patrons to masturbate in a public library without having to worry about some do-gooder library administrator turning the security video over to the police.

On, Wisconsin!

TRAINING, SIR!

This is going to be a good week.

Starting later this morning I will be attending the ILEETA International Training Conference and Expo in Wheeling. ILEETA stands for International Law Enforcement Educators And Trainers Association. The conference runs 5 days, and it's the best variety of workshops, classes and instructor certification courses assembled in one place that I've ever seen. I've been a police defensive tactics instructor for about 10 years, and it's really good to have programs like this to help stay sharp.

As an added bonus there's an expo that runs the first two days where you can check out lots of cool new equipment; maybe I'll even get to pick up one of those cool rubber slappers. Oh, did I mention the goody bag? ILEETA, without a doubt, gives out the best swag of any conference I've been to. I can't wait to see what I get today.

Here's what my schedule looks like:

Tuesday-attend the vendor expo in the morning, then an afternoon presentation titled "Characteristics of the Armed Individual."

Wednesday-official opening ceremonies. The guest speaker is Officer Marcus Young. You can read his amazing story here. In the afternoon I'll attend a presentation by Bill Lewinski of the Force Science Research Center.

Thursday-I'll be attending the Glock pistol armorer's course. At the end of the day I'll be a "factory-trained armorer capable of servicing all models of GLOCK pistols."

Friday- Another 8-hour class, this one from Phil Messina, on takedown techniques and "how to better adapt and adjust to unexpected environments, weapons and extra assailants, as well as the chaos of a violent confrontation." That should be fun.

Saturday- If Phil Messina doesn't beat me up good enough, this should finish me off. Frank Shamrock is presenting an 8 hour class titled "Mixed Martial Arts for Law Enforcement."

So, my week in a nutshell--two days of shmoozing and free stuff, followed by one day in a classroom, followed by two days of rolling around on the mats. I hope everyone has a week as fun as mine!

World War G

And that "G" stands for "Gator"

Most people don't realize it, but mankind is locked in a savage battle with alligators. And crocodiles. With all of nature, come to think of it. That Chinese zoo keeper forgot that, and he learned a hard lesson.

This time last year reptilians were on the attack, thinning the old and the crack-addled from the human herd with ruthless lizard-brain efficiency. The crocodilians are once again planning their annual spring offensive, as witnessed by the attack on the Taiwanese zoo keeper. Well, I'm proud to report that this year man kind has realized that the best defense is a good offense, and is acting accordingly.

An adroit trapper in Boynton Beach, Florida, caught a 350 pound scout gator as it tried to cut off human escape routes by biting the tires of passing cars. The gator is going to be put down like a mad dog. Or a mad gator.

Some alert cops in Fort Pierce, Florida found a gator prowling a commercial area. The gators realize that if we stop visiting our retail centers, our economy collapses. And if we stop shopping, the gators have won. The town fathers of Fort Pierce extended an olive branch to the gator community by releasing this one back to his own kind. A horrible mistake, in my opinion.

The Lone Star State has, so far, avoided the carnage that's been visited upon the people of Florida. Why? Because, in Texas, they shoot first. Texas has announced its first spring alligator hunting season. How will they kill these beasts?

• Line set.

• Alligator gig.

• Hand-held snare with integral locking mechanism.

• Lawful archery gear, with barbed arrow.

• Firearms - but only on private property. (This last one cracks me up. As if any real Texan needs permission to shoot a kill-crazy giant reptile on his own damn property.)

Godspeed, Texan gator hunters. I'll be down there in June to check on your progress.

Even as we celebrate these latest triumphs, it's clear that alligators continue to exploit human weakness. According to this story, police in Massachussets have found alligators during drug raids not once, but twice--in September and in February.

Give that croc a hand!

It's a Beautiful World

Erik from Erik's Choice reminded me of this video from Devo. While I'm sad to report that this video does not feature the same mambo lovelies as appeared in my earlier post, there's still plenty of goodness in there. At one point I thought "NICE MARACAS", and get this--the Bell Rocket Belt even makes an appearance!

Yes, it's a beautiful world today. MizBubs, girl dynamo, and I have started our annual de-whitetrashification of our yard, and I'm taking a brief break while she goes out for mulch. She's pretty and she's strong. I got to see my niece and nephew this weekend to celebrate my nephew's first birthday. I managed to slip away from work without any major hassles, and now I'm off for a couple of days; starting Tuesday I'll spend the rest of the week at a conference that I've really been looking forward to. I might have more on that later.

Today is our youngest daughter's 15th birthday, and hopefully, when she gets home from school, I'll get to go for a run with her while she rides her new, shiny pink, retro-looking bicycle. She's just incredibly smart and good-looking and feisty, and I can' t wait to pick her up after school. We "celebrated" yesterday, so tonight will just be a relaxed family evening. She shares a birthday with Henry Mancini, so we might celebrate tonight with some swanky music. Who knows. I know I've got a tasty dinner planned--roast pork tenderloin, roasted beets, and cabbage braised in red wine.

Our eldest, Dystopia (the one who tells me she can't blog because, unlike her sad, bitter and ineffectual father, she has a real life) just got accepted into Phi Theta Kappa, an honor society for community colleges. Pretty slick for an 18 year old whose peers are just finishing high school.

So, without further ado, Devo:

R.I.P. Don Ho

One of my witty friends notified me of the passing of Don Ho with this headline:

"One less Ho in the music business."

Yes, Don Ho has died of heart disease at the age of 76.

I feel good that we developed our drink in honor of Don Ho while he was still alive. My sister in law Kate is pictured here, holding one of the festive libations.

Did you know that Don Ho was a fighter pilot? He was also quite fertile, fathering 10 children.

Farewell, Mr. Ho.

Morning Mambo

Now that spring is here, MizBubs and I have started a new morning regimen.

F.R.T.

No commentary, just titles and artists:

Ghouls—The Horrorpops

A Place in the Dirt—Marilyn Manson

Run Run Run—The Velvet Underground

Trouble—The Flying Lizards

Waiting for My Ruca—Sublime

Night of the Living Rednecks—Dead Kennedys

Going Down Slow—Leadbelly

Slippin' Out & Sneakin' In—Joe Clay

White Girl—X

Hoist That Rag—Tom Waits

Bible Thumper

Minnesota Jail Guard Suspended After Inmate Is Hit With A Bible

(AP) A jail guard has been suspended after allegedly thumping an inmate with a Bible.

James Lee Sheppard, 56, has been charged with two gross misdemeanors for allegedly swatting a Blue Earth County Jail inmate with the book, grabbing him by the throat and slamming him against steel bars on Feb. 8, according to the criminal complaint.