Polly wanna double down?

Las Vegas has been in the news the past couple of days and it's driving me nuts. I'll explain why in a little bit.

My sister in law Kate clued me in to the story about Dusty the African Grey who left Michigan and ended up in Las Vegas, baby! Dusty went missing in September 2006, and turned up at Nellis AFB on April 21. Our parrot Barney never gave us an excuse to go to Las Vegas; he just screamed and bit MizBubs in the face until we had to give him away.

Uglier news from Las Vegas: the murder of a hot dog vendor in the Luxor parking garage. There were multiple law enforcement spokesmen reassuring us that THIS WAS NOT TERRORIST RELATED. NOPE. NO REASON FOR THE TOURISTS TO WORRY. This story jumped out at me because the Luxor has been the scene of some of my favorite Las Vegas adventures.

Chris Albrecht, chairman of HBO, got arrested at the MGM Grand right after a title fight. A championship boxer died in a motorcycle crash.

But here's the really important news about Las Vegas: I'm not going there this month. My friend and I were all set to head out there in a couple weeks to help run security for a big-ass convention. A couple weeks ago we found out that the client wanted to cut some fat from their security budget, and we were the fat. In one stroke I was cheated out of an 8-night trip to Las Vegas and several thousand dollars.

Dang. It would've been so cool. I would've been so cool. It would have been just like this video:

I'm hungry

Now this is tasty.

I got tagged by Johnny Yen, so now you can add me to this latest interwebs rage. I'll let this copy/pasted text explain how it works:

1. Add a direct link to your post below the name of the person who tagged you.
Include the city/state and country you’re in.

Nicole (Sydney, Australia)
velverse (Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia)
LB (San Giovanni in Marignano, Italy)
Selba (Jakarta, Indonesia)
Olivia (London, England)
ML (Utah, USA)
Lotus (Toronto, Canada)
tanabata (Saitama, Japan)
Andi (Dallas [ish], Texas, United States)
Lulu (Chicago, Illinois, United States)
Chris (Boyne City, Michigan, United States)
AB (Cave Creek, Arizona, United States)
Johnny Yen (Chicago, Illinois, USA)
Bubs (Mt Prospect, Illinois, USA)

2. List out your top 5 favorite places to eat at your location.

3. Tag 5 other people (preferably from other countries/states) and let them know they’ve been tagged.

________________________________

I was telling Johnny that I wish I'd been tagged like this about 20 years ago, because I would have had a lot more interesting places to list. Ask me about my favorite places to eat in New Orleans, or Las Vegas or San Antonio or the Florida Keys, and I could give you a few good answers; it's just that now we don't go out to eat all that much. We love food, but we get more pleasure out of cooking with our family than we do from dining out. I do have a few places I can mention. Here goes...if you ever find yourself in the dining Sahara that is the northwest suburbs, you should be able to strap on a good feedbag at these spots:

1) Sushi Ai
This is an unexpected treat on Euclid Avenue in Palatine. The place is tucked, unassumingly, into a strip mall, next to a Dominicks. The owners were involved with Starfish in Chicago, though, and once you walk inside the vibe is urban--warm wood, cool design and techno music. The food is outstanding and cheaper than you'd pay at the same place in a hipster neighborhood in Chicago. The staff is really nice.

2) Wholly Frijoles
Now this is a place I'm reluctant to even mention. The food is spectacular, it's in a tiny space, they don't take reservations and it's nearly always packed. It's on Touhy Avenue in Lincolnwood. Outside of Rosario's in San Antonio this is the best Mexican food I've ever had. They guy who owns it used to be a chef at the Pump Room. This time of year you can see people sitting outside in white plastic lawn chairs waiting to get in. It's BYOB, so if you grab a six pack you can have a beer or two while you wait and then drink the rest with dinner.

3) Gail's Carriage Inn
My favorite breakfast place. We found it when we first moved out here, and it's a sentimental choice; still, the food is great. They recently moved to an address on Elmhurst Road in Des Plaines (a casualty of Mount Prospect's "downtown" redevelopment) but I'm happy to report the food is at least as good as before, maybe better. Try a "spuds" omelette totally encased in hash browns.

4) Alt Thai
Another unexpected gem. This is in Arlington Heights in one of those suburban commercial developments that's meant to look like (and usually fails to look like) a city environment. You'll smell this place from a half block away as you walk up--competing aromas of charcoal, cilantro, Thai curries and hints of fish sauce and coffee. It's a cool space inside, and it's surprisingly inexpensive.

5) La Tasca
I remember eating at some tapas restaurants in Chicago in the early 90's, and I loved the idea of it. All those little dishes, shared with your companions, washed down with a lot of tasty Spanish red wine. I didn't even know La Tasca was there until some friends invited us, and now La Tasca is one of our favorite places to relax and eat just the right amount of garlicky, olive-oil laden treats. They've got a great, reasonably-priced wine selection too.

Hmmm...I want to hear about some food I can't walk to, so I tag Jin, my sister-in-law Kate, Splotchy, Mob and Barbara.

I'm not a ghoul, I'm a businessman

This week is starting off pretty damn good, thank you. We got a satisfying amount of work done in the yard and my youngest daughter resolved some boyfriend issues (and when she suffers, we all suffer, believe me.)

A couple days ago I got this in the mail from Lulu, a bit of local news:

4 skulls plus 1 pot add up to hot water

Local drag performer, puppeteer and artist JoJo Baby was looking to buy some vintage mannequins when he freaked out at the sight of human skulls boiling in a pot and notified the authorities.

Ultimately the police determined that the man obtained the skulls legally from some bone supplier in China.

With so much cool stuff happening in this big ol' world of ours this blog practically writes itself.

What? Huh? I got something in my ear!

Sure, he's smiling now.

Because that little plastic jar holds the two dead spiders that were removed from inside his ear.

A big, BIG thank you to Melinda June for helping me start the week off right!

On the cutting edge of pointless information

I am in awe of sites like BoingBoing that have the ability to constantly find interesting stuff from around the world. If my monkey-training experiment grant money ever comes through, I might have the technical capability to run a blog like that some day. Frequently I get excited about finding something interesting that I want to share with everyone, only to find out (like with Alexyss K. Tylor) that I'm about two weeks behind the rest of the interwebs.

Sometimes, though, I do get satisfaction from being ahead of the curve. That happened twice in one day yesterday. Yesterday was a great day--I dragged my ass out of bed and made it to the Saturday morning training run with the Alpine Runners in Lake Zurich. Later on in the day we attended a combination Cinco de Mayo and birthday party for Splotchy's youngest son, and finished by stopping by the Sand Bar Tiki Lounge in Brookfield.

Anyway, I'm driving home from my run, listening to NPR. Weekend Edition ran an interview with Daniel Wilson, author of a new book titled Where's My Jetpack? A Guide to the Amazing Science Fiction Future that Never Arrived. I see that Mr. Wilson's book was published on April 17 2007, so I'll graciously assume that he had the majority of it written before I posted this, or this, or finally, this piece about the Bell Rocket Belt. And another thing--I think "future that never arrived" sounds suspiciously close to "future the way it used to be." But like I said, I'm gracious, and I wish Mr. Wilson success with his book.

Here's the second incident: after making a run to Costco, I put on CNN hoping to catch up on some news before leaving for the birthday party. The news wasn't on, but I did catch a segment called "In the Money"; during this segment they talked with author Robert Sutton about his book The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn't.

Here's what the hosts said in the lead-in to the interview:

ROMANS: The title of a new book by Robert Sutton includes a seven-letter word --

VELSHI: Which I taped over.

ROMANS: That management won't let us say on TV and we probably shouldn't say. We don't want to say it anyway.

VELSHI: Right as long as we don't want to say it while the TV's rolling, but the word starts with an a and ends with somebody wanting to put their fist through the wall.

ROMANS: It is causing a buzz; nonetheless, author Robert Sutton joins us. Welcome to the program. ...

"Causing a buzz" CNN? Causing a buzz?!? The book was published in February 2007, but if anyone at CNN had done proper research by reading this blog they would have learned about Mr. Sutton's important work back in November 2006. I even followed up the initial post with a Monday Morning Asshole Update.

There you have it folks. Enjoy your day!

Weekend clown update

'Giggles The Clown' Jailed On Sex Charges

He listed his occupation as a clown and said he was "just clowning around till I find what I'm looking for."

Celebrating one year of sprawling, ramshackle goodness

One year ago today I posted my very first blog entry. I followed up the next day by posting what has become (judging from my Site Meter) one of the most popular gut pictures on the interwebs.

This time last year I was moping around the house, recovering from an emergency abdominal surgery. My daughters, who were both having fun with xanga and myspace, encouraged me to start a blog. Now, here we are: 598 posts, 1,181 profile views and 10,887 visitors later.

My life is significantly different now than it was then. Most notably, I'm healthy. We're no longer homeschooling our girls, and the pace of our family life has accelerated beyond anything I imagined back then. MizBubs reentered the full-time workforce. I've experienced a shift in how I think about work; I'm now focused on retiring in 3-5 years.

Why did I start this? The short answer is because, as my youngest daughter puts it, I am "blabberous." I'm driven to talk.

I probably could've been a writer, but here's the thing. Rather than organize my thoughts and put them in words, and then put those words on paper, I'd rather have a few drinks and sit around and bullshit with you.

We've been lucky to meet three lovely, really cool people in real life after reading their words on a computer screen: Lulu, Tenacious S and Johnny Yen. One of MizBubs' relatives has recently started blogging, and Splotchy is now one of the first blogs I check every day. I get excited every time I see that somebody in China or Saudi Arabia or France or Malaysia has somehow stumbled onto my blog. I like to think that each post is like a message in a bottle, thrown out into the surf for some stranger to find, maybe years from now.

Friday Random Ten: Homecoming Edition

Well, the Illinois Police Officers Memorial was a great and humbling experience. Our honor guard performed admirably, the guys all looked sharp...but Springfield still sucks. More on that later.

I got back to the office around 4pm. We only had one detective working last night and he'd just gotten stuck with two reports on some idiot who repeatedly called his baby mama at work, threatening to kill her and blow up her employer. Guy's been arrested 35 times, so someone had to go looking for him. I volunteered to go along, after having been up since 5:30am, standing in formation at parade rest and attention for several hours, and driving 3 + hours back from Springfield. I finally made it home close to 9, where I collapsed into the loving embrace of MizBubs.

Here's what came up on the party shuffle this morning:

Adrenochrome—The Sisters of Mercy

Bertha Lou—Johnnie Faire

That Certain Female—Charlie Feathers

Ruf Aus Der Gruft—Kurt Weill

Eve White, Eve Black—Siouxsie & the Banshees

Slicker Drips—White Stripes

Have a Good Life Baby—Dusty Springfield

Tico Tico—Don Swan & His Orchestra

Foxy, Foxy—Rob Zombie

Burning Down the House—Tom Jones (with the Cardigans)

Alexyss Tylor DANCE REMIX!

I know what you're thinking. If Alexyss Tylor talking about Vagina Power is cool, the dance remix will be even cooler.

Go on. I dare you to try and get it out of your head once you hear it.

Alligators: wily, kill-crazy...and resilient

I need to adjust the alligator early-warning system here at the compound. This story has been on the wires since 8:22 pm CST on April 30, but I just found it this morning. Please accept my sincere apology for not getting this vital information to you sooner.

According to this story in the L.A. Times, Reggie the alligator has reappeared in Lake Machado. Efforts to catch Reggie in 2005 fell apart after self-described gator expert T-Bone Quinn of Louisiana referred to the team from Gatorland as "retarded." Ted Williams, leader of Team Gatorland, responded as Team Gatorland quit the project:

"I will not allow some swamp rat to walk into a situation and make comments…. I am not going to allow Gatorland to be referred to as 'retarded.' "

T-Bone's victory over Team Gatorland was short-lived. He was later arrested for violating his probation in Louisiana.

As if the incompetence and fractiousness of the so-called "experts" brought in to catch the gator wasn't discouraging enough, even worse news comes later in the article: the explosive revelation that alligators have compromised certain members of the law enforcement community!

Yeah, you heard me right. Former LAPD Officer Todd Natow, after raising Reggie to fighting size in a backyard pool, dumped him in Lake Machado. And guess what? DRUGS WERE INVOLVED!!!

Todd Natow, who left LAPD after 17 years of service (and let me tell you, that is a BIG red flag right there--a cop who "leaves" three years short of being able to collect a pension) was arrested in 2005 when police raided his house and found marijuana, alligators, piranhas and a rattlesnake.

Wake up Los Angeles! Effective law enforcement has possibly stopped the northward march of the gator army in places like New York and Massachussets. Your sunny clime and a corrupt cop have opened you up as the next logical target.

Watch the lakes...watch the lakes! And I'm going on the record as saying my services are available for a very reasonable price.

Headed down to Springfield

In a few hours I'll be driving down to Springfield to participate in the 2007 Illinois Police Memorial. The memorial is dedicated to Illinois police officers who have died in the line of duty.


In 2006, eight police officers in Illinois died in the line of duty. The first six officers all died from vehicle-related causes (Chambers and Gibbons were both killed by drunk drivers) and the last two officers, Cook and Wood, were both basically assassinated while sitting in their squad cars.

I encourage you to read a little about each of these individual officers, and please remember that for every Anthony Abbate there are tens of thousands of men and women who would willingly give their lives without hesitation to help another human being.

The links below are from the Officer Down Memorial Page:

Officer James Knapp, Cook County Sheriff's Police

Officer Eric Solorio, Chicago Police Department

Deputy Sheriff Elizabeth Edwards, Hardin County Sheriff's Office

Officer Jeremy Chambers, Cahokia Police Department

Sergeant Rodney Miller, Illinois State Police

Chief Deputy Brian Gibbons, Calhoun County Sheriff's Office

Officer Thomas Cook, Metra Police Department

Officer Thomas Wood, Maywood Police Department


Nationally, about half of all line-of-duty deaths are vehicle related--officers killed in crashes or struck by vehicles.

May 13-19 is National Police Week, and May 15 is Peace Officers Memorial Day. I'll probably talk some more about that in the next week or two.

_______________________________________

Springfield is not my favorite place to visit. There are no riverboat casinos (there's no river.) The one strip club is part of an overpriced franchise; it just seems to lack that locally-owned, independently run sincerity. And the food choices in town are limited, at least in my experience. The first time I was there everyone kept telling me to try the famous local dish, the "horseshoe." I did, and was not impressed--the "horseshoe" consisted of a badly-cooked hamburger served open-faced, with a bunch of standard frozen french fried piled on top, and the whole affair was smothered with some type of Velveeta-based cheese sauce.

So look, I believe that every place must have some redeeming feature, some hidden greasy spoon or dive bar that can provide the perfect low-end dining moment, and I resolved not to have another bad dining experience on this trip.

I reached out to prominent Springfield native Splotchy, and he agreed to help me out. I learned that Springfield claims to be birthplace of the corn dog, so with any luck I'll be taking a little bite of deep-fried history later tonight. He also pointed me toward a good barbecue place, so I got choices. Thanks, Splotchy!

May 1st

Be proud, fellow midwesterners: it all started here in Chicago on May 1, 1886. The start of the 8-hour day movement, now observed all over the world as International Workers Day.

Today's a good day to visit the Haymarket martyrs monument in Forest Home Cemetery if you've got the time.

I am not embarrassed to say "vagina"

Ask any of my close friends or family and they will tell you I am a model of rectitude and decorum, and would not normally even say the proper term for the female pudenda. But now that's changed.

I've found out about Alexyss K. Tylor.

First off, let me give a big, BIG thank you to Katie Schwartz. I've enjoyed reading her blog for a while now. I dig her musings on Kristians and former child stars.

Well, the other day she sent me a link. I watched the video, and I was hooked. Surely she was going to use this herself? NO! Not only is our Katie raunchy and hilarious, she's generous to a fault. She gave me this video and told me to do with it as I saw fit.

So here we are.

Seeing that video sent me off on a search to learn more about Alexyss K. Tylor. Alexyss K. Tylor has a public access cable show in Atlanta, called, wonderfully, Vagina Power. She is also a motivational speaker and author. She's been all over the interwebs for the past few weeks, and you can find several of her videos on YouTube.

This video is one of the greatest things I've ever seen. There are too many great quotes to even begin to list them all here. If you've ever wondered why some women consistently hook up with the wrong men, Alexyss explains it all. And she is a learned woman:

"I don't have any PHD's or masters degrees to put on my wall in academia, but I have a masters degree in being played by men."

Go ahead and watch the video. Just don't watch it at work, or at home in front of your kids, or in front of anyone who's offended by the following words: vagina, penis, orgasm, g-spot, clitoris, cum, rectum, sperm, "hittin' it", dildo, jackrabbit, or buttocks.



Now, as I post this, I'm distracted by the spectacle of a geezed Chris Hitchens on the Daily Show. I've got Alexyss in one ear going on about men "done ejaculated all in her brain" while Hitch blathers on about menstrual blood and birth canals. Alexyss K. Tylor is sober; Hitchens, apparently, not so much.

Here she is...

GUWEI'IYYA, Saudi Arabia (Reuters) - The legs are long, the eyes are big, the bodies curvaceous.

Contestants in this Saudi-style beauty pageant have all the features you might expect anywhere else in the world, but with one crucial difference -- the competitors are camels.

"The nose should be long and droop down, that's more beautiful," explains Sultan al-Qahtani, one of the organisers. "The ears should stand back, and the neck should be long. The hump should be high, but slightly to the back."

Hungry?

Then think about heading out to Stockton, California for the Stockton Asparagus Festival.

If you'd been better-organized, you could have registered for the World Deep-Fried Asparagus Eating Championship, but sadly registration for that event has closed. So now, in addition to being hungry, you'll be unable to compete for that $2,250 prize pool.

Still stinging from the sense of missed opportunity? Go to the official website of the International Federation of Competitive Eating. You'll find plenty of future opportunities to compete against other committed gurgitators and gustatory athletes such as yourself.

Bon apetit!

Friday Random Ten--Lazy Afternoon Edition

It's one of those in-between kind of days. I should have spent the day in a cleaning frenzy, but instead I slept late and took MizBubs to lunch, then went shopping and bought birthday and Mothers Day gifts and cards. I'll pick up my youngest from school in a few minutes, and then get ready for work. The honor guard is going to present colors at the start of a retirement party tonight, so I'll have to shave off the sideburns and soul patch and make myself presentable.

Know what's pissing me off? I can't hit the sauce until after the ceremony, so I'm totally being screwed out of the inaugural Margarita Friday.

Today is my mom's birthday, so I'll meet the rest of the family over there after I'm done at work. That will be good.

Here's the random ten:

Rabbit Fighter—T. Rex

Progress—Bad Religion

We Kiss in a Shadow—Martin Denny

aka I-D-I-O-T—The Hives

Hellbound Train—Three Bad Jacks

Mr. Block—Utah Phillips

Cool it Down—The Velvet Underground

Centre For Holy Wars—The New Pornographers

What We All Want—Gang of Four

In the Backseat—Arcade Fire

I'm ready for my interview

Lulu ran a cool little "interview thingy" on Monday. Being the blabberous egomaniac that I am, I promptly begged for a chance to be interviewed. A day or so went by, and then, there it was in my email--my interview!

Lulu's questions are in bold type. At the bottom of the post are the rules, and if any of you thoughtful and discerning readers would like to be interviewed by me, ask away.

1. You have a career in law enforcement, and an impressive sideline as America's preeminent narcozoologist, were those your dream careers as a kid, or did you have another career in mind?

My parents tell me that when I was little (3-5 years old) I liked to wear costumes and played elaborate games where I was an explorer, soldier or cowboy. When I got older, like later in grade school, I decided I wanted to be an actor. I'd say I wanted to be an actor all through high school. I had a blast in drama club (GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS), and then my dreams came to a screeching halt when I experienced the mortification of actually auditioning at the Bucks County Playhouse. That was the moment I discovered that being a bullshit artist probably required less discipline than being an actor on stage or screen, and might be just as much fun.

After high school I had notions of being a film maker or photographer, took some classes (dropping out of excellent programs at Columbia College and UIC) and wound up joining the Army National Guard with MizBubs, both of us enlisting as 91-B, Combat Medical Specialists. A wicked throat infection during basic training at Fort Jackson wrecked my singing voice, but I really enjoyed the training and was probably in the best shape of my life. MizBubs and I were lucky enough to serve before the first Gulf War.

I got a job as a photographers assistant at a studio that did work for Sears and JC Penney, and worked my way up to off-figure photographer. The studio went belly-up, and I ended up working as a campus security officer at Loyola University. My brother was in the criminal justice program there and recommended I take the introductory class. It was free, since I worked there, and I really enjoyed it. I started thinking I'd be good at being a cop. Loyola sent me to the Chicago Police Academy after I'd worked there for nearly a year, and I realized I'd like to do municipal law enforcement better than campus policing. I was lucky enough to get hired by the very first department I tested with.

Almost 19 years later, here I am. I sometimes regret not being a smoke-jumper or celebrity chef, but I'm pretty happy with where I've ended up.

2. Are most officers of the law bourbon-swilling, Tom Jones-loving, punk rock dudes like yourself, or are you an anomaly within the law enforcement community?


No, and not really. To some extent I'm an anomaly in every community I'm part of: I'm either the most liberal, non-confrontational and tolerant person in a group of conservatives, or the most right-wing, gun-happy and bigoted person in a group of liberals.

Cops are a far more diverse group than we were 20 years ago, by the way, but I think we tend to run more to former metal heads than former punks. There are 6 detectives and 2 detective sergeants, ranging in age from 30-44. Only one of them other than me is a Tom Jones fan. Most of the younger guys are vodka or rum drinkers; I stand alone as a committed bourbon enthusiast.

Of the 8 of us, 2 have college degrees, 2 are close to getting them, and 2 more have about 30-60 hours of credit. There's one former Army National Guard member, one former Marine, and one Army Iraq war veteran. 6 of us are married, 5 with kids, and two are single.

3. You seem to have a great relationship with your daughters, what are your parenting secrets?

Fear.

Not really, I just liked saying that. First off, we made up our minds when our kids were born to not listen to all the negative stuff people would say about having kids:

"I was in back labor 35 hours and then the doctor botched the episiotomy and I had an emergency c-section and puked from the anaesthesia."

"You won't get any sleep for 2 years."

"Just wait until they hit the terrible twos, all they say is 'NO'"

"Just wait until they go to school and start acting like all their friends, they won't be your child any more."

"Just wait until they hit middle school."

"Just wait until they hit their teens."

And so on. We ignored all those warnings and resolved early on to see the entertainment value in all the goofy and frequently infuriating things a kid was bound to do, and that made things easier.

4. You live in the suburb I grew up in, I hated it and left as soon as I could, yet you made the decision to live there of your own free will. Why would anyone make the choice to live in Mt. Plastic?


I made my one off-duty arrest in the spring of 1990, driving east on Montrose from Pulaski on a sunny Saturday afternoon. I thought I was driving up on a block party, judging from the crowd. Turns out the crowd had gathered to watch a shirtless drunken hillbilly cave in the skull of another drunken hillbilly with a Louisville Slugger baseball bat. Around the same time there was a drive-by shooting on the steps of a church near our house that killed two kids; MizBubs used to walk by there all the time on her way to one of the markets. So we decided to move. I didn't want to live in the town I worked in, and we couldn't afford to to move to one of the neighborhoods like Edison Park that were still in Chicago. We kind of went north and west until we found a combination of a house we could afford and a school district we liked. Ironically, we ended up homeschooling our kids for several years anyway, and had we stayed in our house in Chicago I'd be sitting on a half-million dollar bag of money right now. Who knew?

Our kids are grateful that they got to spend their entire childhood in the same house in the same town, but they both hate Mt Prospect and can't wait to move away. If I were a kid I'd feel the same way. Heck, I can't wait to move away from here either, but the reality is that this has been a good place to us these past 17 years.

5. If you had to pick, would you live in Florida or Germany?


Whew, tough one. Back in the 80's I always wanted to live in Berlin. I would have loved to live in Florida back in the 20's or 30's, and if I had unlimited funds I could easily see living in the Keys for much of the year. But I'll have to go with Germany. Old castles, Oktoberfest and good beer beat the hell out of ugly sun-baked sprawl and spring break any day.


Want some questions of your own? Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me!”


I will respond by e-mailing you five questions (if your email is not on your profile, email me your desire to be interviewed so I know your address). I get to pick them, and you have to answer them all.


You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.


You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.


When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Freak of the week

It's contest time! Remember, this is a Cook County-based blog, so vote early and often!

1) Former court officer Robert Theriault was convicted of prostitution. His crime? Theriault met a homeless couple and "...told them he worked for an insurance company and wanted them to test sheets and condoms by having sex while he watched. The sheets were supposedly designed to increase sperm count. The condoms would be tested for reliability, the couple recalled Theriault saying."

2) Doctor Raymond Adamcik dressed up as Captain America, stuffed a burrito down his shorts, groped a woman and got caught with some weed.

3) An unknown man walked into a British restaurant and cut off his own penis.

Alligator update

Remember, the best defense against the alligator is CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

It looks like that constant vigilance is paying off--there are no new attacks to report this week, but clearly the struggle continues:

Plucky Floridian Benjamin Hodges got pinched for skinning a dead gator on his front lawn. Mr. Hodges claimed he found the gator, dead, thought it would make a swanky belt, and brought it home in a shopping cart. Do you think he lives in a gated community?

Like fire ants, killer bees and armadillos, alligators are headed north. Police in Long Island, NY, found a young gator sunning himself by a pond. Gators are willing to sacrifice their young as scouts, probing our defenses. Good job, New York law enforcement!

Alert cops in Shawnee County, Kansas, arrested Michael "Tiny" Hutson for releasing a young alligator into Lake Shawnee. Law enforcement needs to make an example of traitorous dupes like Mr. Hutson; lured by the promise of exotic pet ownership only to betray his own kind.

Here's a big problem: apologists in the pro-gator media. The bias is very subtle; for example, here's a story in the Daytona Beach News-Journal that purports to warn people about gator safety during mating season. Sounds reasonable, right? But just read down a little and you'll find an outrageous pro-gator statement like this:

"Sensational news reports don't tell the whole story," said Nick Clark, senior reptile keeper at the Central Florida Zoological Park in Sanford. "You're far more likely to be in a fatal auto accident on I-4 than attacked by an alligator."

See what I mean? Any experienced narcozoologist will tell you, "sensational news reports" may not tell "the whole story", but they certainly tell all the story you need to know.

Finally, a colleague of mine in south Florida sent me a link to a comment posted on the Hungry Hyaena blog. I'm impressed that someone out there feels more strongly about alligators than I do:

Anonymous said...

There can be no happy medium in the war against alligators. If they want war, they shall have it. Alligators were on the verge of extinction when we took measures to protect them allowing their numbers to swell and now they prey on our pets and occasionally kill humans. Our kindness was perceived as weakness by these reptiles.

I have no issue with alligators in the Everglades where they belong. We need them there to fight the boas, but when they encroach on residential areas they must be destroyed. And please spare me this foolishness about us encroaching on their habitat. Any place we have ever lived throughout the history of mankind has encroached on some animal. Animals can either learn to live with it or die at our hands.

Alligators have been the bullies of nature preying on the weak and sick for tens of thousands of years. Well this time they've met their match. Bring it on!

That is one committed American!

True Story

Every year the department sends us all for a physical. It's a nice benefit, really--every year I get a free physical and I get to see how much I've deteriorated in the previous year. Then, when I return to work, I can compare my deterioration, depression, weight gain and lack of conditioning to that of my coworkers who've just returned from their physicals. In management we call this "benchmarking."

Anyway, yesterday I went to get my blood drawn and get my TB test. The actual physical is in a couple of days. I was met by a nice young lab assistant who ushered me into an exam room. We made some pleasant small talk while she got her stuff ready; I found out she's going to the same community college as my daughter, for instance, and that her boyfriend is working toward a graduate degree in human resource management. She had me lie down--a first--because they now have a policy that patients lie down for blood draws so they don't fall out.

While I'm lying there our conversation continues and we get on to the topic of shift work and sleep habits. And she tells me how she didn't get enough sleep last night because of a bad dream she had. And then she tells me about the dream:

In the dream her father, from whom she's estranged, even though she kind of has to stay in touch with him because she misses seeing her little brother, takes her car. That is, she gets home and finds that her new car is gone (she just purchased a new car in real life.) When she goes to look for her car she finds out her father is the one who stole her car, and he's laughing about it. AND HE'S WEARING CLOWN MAKEUP.

And then she said "this vein looks good" and put the needle in.