Sex in the stacks

I think that our brothers and sisters to the north have much to be proud of this week. Once again, Wisconsin leads the way, miles ahead of us F.I.B.'s to the south.

No, I'm not talking about necrophilia, or oddballs f*cking roadkill. I'm talking about privacy rights--specifically, the privacy rights of library patrons. Even more specifically, the right of library patrons to masturbate in a public library without having to worry about some do-gooder library administrator turning the security video over to the police.

On, Wisconsin!

TRAINING, SIR!

This is going to be a good week.

Starting later this morning I will be attending the ILEETA International Training Conference and Expo in Wheeling. ILEETA stands for International Law Enforcement Educators And Trainers Association. The conference runs 5 days, and it's the best variety of workshops, classes and instructor certification courses assembled in one place that I've ever seen. I've been a police defensive tactics instructor for about 10 years, and it's really good to have programs like this to help stay sharp.

As an added bonus there's an expo that runs the first two days where you can check out lots of cool new equipment; maybe I'll even get to pick up one of those cool rubber slappers. Oh, did I mention the goody bag? ILEETA, without a doubt, gives out the best swag of any conference I've been to. I can't wait to see what I get today.

Here's what my schedule looks like:

Tuesday-attend the vendor expo in the morning, then an afternoon presentation titled "Characteristics of the Armed Individual."

Wednesday-official opening ceremonies. The guest speaker is Officer Marcus Young. You can read his amazing story here. In the afternoon I'll attend a presentation by Bill Lewinski of the Force Science Research Center.

Thursday-I'll be attending the Glock pistol armorer's course. At the end of the day I'll be a "factory-trained armorer capable of servicing all models of GLOCK pistols."

Friday- Another 8-hour class, this one from Phil Messina, on takedown techniques and "how to better adapt and adjust to unexpected environments, weapons and extra assailants, as well as the chaos of a violent confrontation." That should be fun.

Saturday- If Phil Messina doesn't beat me up good enough, this should finish me off. Frank Shamrock is presenting an 8 hour class titled "Mixed Martial Arts for Law Enforcement."

So, my week in a nutshell--two days of shmoozing and free stuff, followed by one day in a classroom, followed by two days of rolling around on the mats. I hope everyone has a week as fun as mine!

World War G

And that "G" stands for "Gator"

Most people don't realize it, but mankind is locked in a savage battle with alligators. And crocodiles. With all of nature, come to think of it. That Chinese zoo keeper forgot that, and he learned a hard lesson.

This time last year reptilians were on the attack, thinning the old and the crack-addled from the human herd with ruthless lizard-brain efficiency. The crocodilians are once again planning their annual spring offensive, as witnessed by the attack on the Taiwanese zoo keeper. Well, I'm proud to report that this year man kind has realized that the best defense is a good offense, and is acting accordingly.

An adroit trapper in Boynton Beach, Florida, caught a 350 pound scout gator as it tried to cut off human escape routes by biting the tires of passing cars. The gator is going to be put down like a mad dog. Or a mad gator.

Some alert cops in Fort Pierce, Florida found a gator prowling a commercial area. The gators realize that if we stop visiting our retail centers, our economy collapses. And if we stop shopping, the gators have won. The town fathers of Fort Pierce extended an olive branch to the gator community by releasing this one back to his own kind. A horrible mistake, in my opinion.

The Lone Star State has, so far, avoided the carnage that's been visited upon the people of Florida. Why? Because, in Texas, they shoot first. Texas has announced its first spring alligator hunting season. How will they kill these beasts?

• Line set.

• Alligator gig.

• Hand-held snare with integral locking mechanism.

• Lawful archery gear, with barbed arrow.

• Firearms - but only on private property. (This last one cracks me up. As if any real Texan needs permission to shoot a kill-crazy giant reptile on his own damn property.)

Godspeed, Texan gator hunters. I'll be down there in June to check on your progress.

Even as we celebrate these latest triumphs, it's clear that alligators continue to exploit human weakness. According to this story, police in Massachussets have found alligators during drug raids not once, but twice--in September and in February.

Give that croc a hand!

It's a Beautiful World

Erik from Erik's Choice reminded me of this video from Devo. While I'm sad to report that this video does not feature the same mambo lovelies as appeared in my earlier post, there's still plenty of goodness in there. At one point I thought "NICE MARACAS", and get this--the Bell Rocket Belt even makes an appearance!

Yes, it's a beautiful world today. MizBubs, girl dynamo, and I have started our annual de-whitetrashification of our yard, and I'm taking a brief break while she goes out for mulch. She's pretty and she's strong. I got to see my niece and nephew this weekend to celebrate my nephew's first birthday. I managed to slip away from work without any major hassles, and now I'm off for a couple of days; starting Tuesday I'll spend the rest of the week at a conference that I've really been looking forward to. I might have more on that later.

Today is our youngest daughter's 15th birthday, and hopefully, when she gets home from school, I'll get to go for a run with her while she rides her new, shiny pink, retro-looking bicycle. She's just incredibly smart and good-looking and feisty, and I can' t wait to pick her up after school. We "celebrated" yesterday, so tonight will just be a relaxed family evening. She shares a birthday with Henry Mancini, so we might celebrate tonight with some swanky music. Who knows. I know I've got a tasty dinner planned--roast pork tenderloin, roasted beets, and cabbage braised in red wine.

Our eldest, Dystopia (the one who tells me she can't blog because, unlike her sad, bitter and ineffectual father, she has a real life) just got accepted into Phi Theta Kappa, an honor society for community colleges. Pretty slick for an 18 year old whose peers are just finishing high school.

So, without further ado, Devo:

R.I.P. Don Ho

One of my witty friends notified me of the passing of Don Ho with this headline:

"One less Ho in the music business."

Yes, Don Ho has died of heart disease at the age of 76.

I feel good that we developed our drink in honor of Don Ho while he was still alive. My sister in law Kate is pictured here, holding one of the festive libations.

Did you know that Don Ho was a fighter pilot? He was also quite fertile, fathering 10 children.

Farewell, Mr. Ho.

Morning Mambo

Now that spring is here, MizBubs and I have started a new morning regimen.

F.R.T.

No commentary, just titles and artists:

Ghouls—The Horrorpops

A Place in the Dirt—Marilyn Manson

Run Run Run—The Velvet Underground

Trouble—The Flying Lizards

Waiting for My Ruca—Sublime

Night of the Living Rednecks—Dead Kennedys

Going Down Slow—Leadbelly

Slippin' Out & Sneakin' In—Joe Clay

White Girl—X

Hoist That Rag—Tom Waits

Bible Thumper

Minnesota Jail Guard Suspended After Inmate Is Hit With A Bible

(AP) A jail guard has been suspended after allegedly thumping an inmate with a Bible.

James Lee Sheppard, 56, has been charged with two gross misdemeanors for allegedly swatting a Blue Earth County Jail inmate with the book, grabbing him by the throat and slamming him against steel bars on Feb. 8, according to the criminal complaint.

I HEAR MUSIC

I have been tagged by Splotchy, thusly:

Seeing as the traffic to my blog is nearing a fever pitch, I thought I'd try and start one of them taggy things that meme all over the place...so I tag Bubs and Mizbubs. And you, dear reader. I tag you.

Let the wild stallion that is this meme run free.

I ask you, how could I resist?

What was the first recorded music you bought?
-It was a used copy of the Beatles' "Magical Mystery Tour" that I bought at a thrift shop when I was in 6th or 7th grade.

What was the last?
-I can't say here, because it was a gift for MizBubs that she won't get until June. Before that it was Tom Waits' "Orphans".

What was the first "professional" music show you ever went to?
-Oh, I'll always remember this one--Johnny Cash and the Carter Family at Madison Square Garden. June Carter was big and pregnant at the time, and couldn't perform with everyone else. I'm guessing this was in 1969 or 1970. What was really cool about this was my dad took us, and he wasn't even much of a country music fan.

What was the last?
-The Raconteurs at the Riviera Theater in Chicago.

What's your "desert island" album?
-Probably "Rain Dogs" by Tom Waits

What's your favorite album/song title? (the *title* which is your fav, not the actual album or song)
-Without a doubt, it's "Weasels Ripped My Flesh" by the Mothers of Invention. I've never owned it, never heard more than a couple of tracks from it. Rzzzzz!

What's your favorite album art (include an image of it if you can)?
-I can't think of one off the top of my head, but most of my favorites are in this collection here.

Ideal choice for a karaoke song?
-My favorite is "Suspicious Minds" but when I'm boozed up like a big hillbilly with Tourette's, my friends and family want to hear me sing Tom Jones' "Delilah." Did you know that "Delilah" is the Tom Jones song most sung by impersonators and karaoke fans?

Song you don't like that WILL NOT LEAVE YOUR HEAD if you hear it.
-There are a few choices on the Weebls Stuff site that, if my youngest daughter plays them, will be stuck in my head for days. But I'm not sure I don't like them...I'm not sure if "My Humps", which is annoying as hell, is stuck in my head or if it's just still being played to death; those Blades of Glory ads don't help.

Which is cooler? -- Vinyl? CD? Cassette? 8-track?
-Dude, vinyl! Everything about it, the album art, the sleeve art and lyrics, the promotional extras you could cram inside, the anticipation watching the needle lower onto the record, the slight hiss and pop, everything.

Ok you primitive screwheads, listen up! The following people should consider themselves tagged:

Dale, Beth, Mob, in particular, and anyone else who reads this and has some time on his hands.

Get to work.

Mister Donut Cosplay Dance Party

Yes, this is a group of Japanese cosplay enthusiasts forming a dance party flash mob in front of a Tokyo Mister Donut. The party is broken up by two cops on their way for a coffee break.

Here's a link to the original story, courtesy of Southside bureau chief Dena.

Freak of the week

Recently Coaster Punchman and Dale have written, entertainingly and frighteningly, about dentists. Mob over at Dear Bastards has written of his ongoing dental torture.

Call me a kooky optimistic do-gooder, but I like to try and make my friends feel better whenever I can. Or at least I graciously, and without a hint of smug know-it-allness, point out that things could be far, far worse.

Which brings me to this week's FREAK OF THE WEEK:

British dentist Alan Hutchinson

Dr. Hutchinson is to dentists as Harvey Keitel was to lieutenants--bad. Bad and unclean:

Updated: 12:34 p.m. CT April 5, 2007

LONDON - A British dentist was found guilty on Thursday of urinating in his surgery sink and using dental tools meant for patients to clean his fingernails and ears.

A medical tribunal said it was satisfied the evidence showed 51-year-old Alan Hutchinson, who "routinely" did not wear gloves or wash his hands, had risked the health of "himself, staff and patients" for more than 28 years.

A dental nurse who worked for Hutchinson for 16 years said she had caught him urinating in the sink more than once.

"He was tucking something into his trousers before zipping them up hastily. I walked over and I was behind him. He moved to the left and I could smell urine," the nurse told the tribunal.

A later hearing will decide if the dentist's unhygienic habits impaired his ability to treat patients, and if so, whether he should banned from practicing.

Copyright 2007 Reuters Limited.

Why do they all use Spry?

HERE'S WHY THEY ALL USE SPRY!


"It's marvelous. It creams so easily."


"Foods fried in Spry are as digestible as if baked or boiled."


"Spry is so white. I just know it's purer."



Valued readers like Dino, aka Katy, want to know about miracle product Spry Pure Vegetable Shortening. So, putting aside the fact that I get oddly and inappropriately excited when talking about fat and deep frying, here it is, in all its white whipped oleaginous glory.

Back at Thanksgiving we visited a few antique shops in Marion, Iowa, and I picked up a few old cookbooks. Not regular cookbooks, the little pamphlets put together by food companies, books like Medley of Meat Recipes from the American Meat Institute. Lucky me--I buy a few old pamphlets, and then, a few weeks later, I get some neat presents from my mother-in-law: some modern home magazines from the 50's and 60's, and a guide to building the "modern vacation home" from Popular Science. Anyway, one of the pamphlets I got was from Spry. Imagine a 48 page cookbook in which every single recipe calls for vegetable shortening. I love it.

Spry was a vegetable shortening (like Crisco) made by Lever Brothers. They had a spokeswoman known as Aunt Jenny, who hawked the product from the 1930's through the 1950's. You can see for yourself why Spry is the superior shortening here and here.

There are plenty of good recipes in here, but my real find was the newspaper clipping hidden inside. Click here for this delicious recipe for pineapple and carrot salad, circa 1940.


F*ck you Rachel Ray.

Plug it in, fire it up, Mr. President...

From the April 7 Detroit News "Business Insider" section:

Plug it in, fire it up, Mr. President

The Detroit News

Credit Ford Motor Co. CEO Alan Mulally with saving the leader of the free world from self-immolation.

Mulally told journalists at the New York auto show that he intervened to prevent President Bush from plugging an electrical cord into the hydrogen tank of Ford's hydrogen-electric plug-in hybrid at the White House last week. Ford wanted to give the Commander-in-Chief an actual demonstration of the innovative vehicle, so the automaker arranged for an electrical outlet to be installed on the South Lawn and ran a charging cord to the hybrid. However, as Mulally followed Bush out to the car, he noticed someone had left the cord lying at the rear of the vehicle, near the fuel tank.

"I just thought, 'Oh my goodness!' So, I started walking faster, and the President walked faster and he got to the cord before I did. I violated all the protocols. I touched the President. I grabbed his arm and I moved him up to the front," Mulally said. "I wanted the president to make sure he plugged into the electricity, not into the hydrogen.

This is all off the record, right?"

What shall I blog today?

Happy Easter IV: Now it's dark

My eldest noted that someone appears to have photoshopped an evil bunny head onto a scary Santa. No problem--either way, the kid cries.

Happy Easter III: Lord of the Harvest

See that poster in the background? Does it refer to the big moldy-smelling pink bunny, back from the pet sematary to visit the kids at Sunday school? The little girl on the left knows it's harvest time, and bunny has come to collect.

Happy Easter II

Happy Easter

OK, time to move on

After yesterday's tattooed granny I felt a responsibility to provide my readers with a more positive image. I think this fits the bill.

This lovely young stewardess is from the George Petty gallery at a neat little animation website called The Pin-Up Files.