Florida alligator takes a bite out of crime

UPDATE: Monday, November 19 at 6:45 AM

Poncho's dinner was officially identified as 36-year old Justo Padron. At the time of his unfortunate introduction to Poncho, Mr. Padron was wanted by police for violating his parole on a cocaine possession charge. Once again we see the cocaine/gator nexus at work. Say no to drugs and reduce your chances of suffering an alligator-involved demise.

______________________

Thank you, Florida.

Even at the end of an 80-hour week, with the turducken in the oven and 20 people coming for dinner in 5 hours, some stories are so important that you have to take a moment to inform the public.

Stories like this one:

Man killed by gator while fleeing police

This incident is an example of what some of us in law enforcement refer to as a twofer. Like a murder case where one criminal kills another--one bad guy removed from the street by killing, one by going to the penitentiary. In this case, one bad guy who clearly should not have been contributing to the gene pool based on his apparent inability to read numerous BEWARE OF ALLIGATOR signs before diving into a gator-infested retention pond, is dead. The man-eating gator was then also destroyed. Humankind gets a twofer.

The alligator, also known to local authorities for his aggressive behavior, was named "Poncho".

R.I.P. New Frontier Las Vegas

The second oldest hotel casino on the strip just bit the dust.

The New Frontier was imploded early Tuesday morning.

The New Frontier originally opened as the Last Frontier in 1942. It was owned at one time by Howard Hughes, and also, partially, by Steve Wynn.

It's demolition makes way for the development of even more high-end properties on the northern strip. Now only Circus Circus, Slots-A-Fun, the Riviera, The Stratosphere and The Sahara remain north of the Wynn.

You can check out Vegas Today and Tomorrow for some excellent information on all the changes.

Early morning checklist

Gun? Check.

Bourbon? Check.

Clown...clown?!

R.I.P. Stanley Stacharski

Stanley Stacharski died Friday at the age of 57, and he will be missed.

Mr. Stacharski was the owner of our beloved Hala Kahiki Lounge in River Grove, the most wonderful tiki bar in all of Chicagoland. He inherited the place from his parents, who founded the business about 40 years ago.

I'm in the mood for a night at the tiki bar. I especially like visiting there during the cold weather and sitting in the warm, dark tropical splendor while the snow falls outside.

Who's your repo daddy now?

That is one of the best lines I've heard in weeks.

I should be sleeping right now, getting enough rest and preparing for the work ahead. But no.

I'm sitting here watching late night tv. Watching ads for class outfits like Legal Helpers. In any event, I see clowns.

I just realized something

See those nacho chips? These are nacho chips from El Famous Burrito. I just noticed something about them.

If you get your nose really close to them, and take a good whiff, these nacho chips smell just like the food court at the Shelby County Flea Market in Simpsonville, Kentucky. Specifically, they smell just like the area around the booth bearing a sign saying, simply, "DEEP FRY".

I found that very comforting and nostalgic.

Germany or Florida: Post-Halloween Edition Answers

Time for some answers.

Congratulations to Katy and Doctor Monkey Von Monkerstein for their perfect scores!

I've noticed before that people tend to assign a story to Germany or Florida based on certain assumptions--for instance, stories involving cannibalism = Germany, stories involving tattoos = Florida. Very often this is true, at least anecdotally, and remember that in the bold and ever-expanding science known as narcozoology, anecdotal evidence is the most important kind.

Still, I have to confess. Usually stories contain some cultural clue that has to be withheld in order to make the game more competitive. I've listed the answers to each question in a link to the original news story. I've also listed any clue that, if given, would have clearly revealed the origin of the story.

1) A man was arrested after asking his new online buddy to help him kill someone for the purpose of having sex with the corpse (and no, it's not Wisconsin--there are no trick questions here)
Florida

2) A man passed out drunk on his way home from a Halloween party, in full zombie makeup. He was mistaken for a murder victim and police were called.
Germany
(*The man was passed out on a train. Germans ride trains. Floridians don't ride trains--they walk, or ride the bus, or steal a car.)

3) A child became entangled in his family's spider web decorations and was nearly strangled to death.
Florida


4) A man was caught trying to smuggle two large dildos, hidden in sausages, into Dubai.
Germany
(*Come on--the presence of sausage was a dead giveaway. Likewise, if it had been catfish, you woulda known it was Florida. Interestingly my eldest said that Dubai was the Germany indicator--she didn't picture anyone from Florida flying to Dubai.)

5) A man was arrested for placing his roommate in a headlock and biting off part of his ear.
Florida
(*911 was called by a neighbor who was out walking his pit bull. That is pure Florida there.)

6) Prison guards allowed two female inmates to wed each other in an elaborate ceremony featuring wedding rings fashioned from human hair and dental floss.
Florida
(*The guards were suspended for doing this. According to my eldest, the idea of a lesbian prison wedding sounded kind of like something that might be done in a progressive European nation. The fact that the participating guards were disciplined indicated that it happened here in the USA.)

Germany or Florida: Post Halloween Edition

It's hard to say goodbye to Halloween.

Once again I'm having that post-Halloween letdown. It's made a little easier by the knowledge that we're never more than a few days away from our next scary movie rental, and we can always stop and look at the Dia De Los Muertos stuff in our dining room.

Looking around this morning I saw that Kirby is experiencing those Halloween blues too, aggravated by a loss in her family and the wildfire evacuations and all...stop by and wish her well.

Mob has a horrid little video set to a horrorpunk song "1,000 Corpses", and Kim from A Sunny Thought has some nice stuff here if you don't feel like letting go yet.

There's a dozen things I should be doing, but I'm sitting on my ass swilling coffee, waiting for inspiration to strike.

_____________________

A quick round of Germany or Florida, now that's the ticket!

1) A man was arrested after asking his new online buddy to help him kill someone for the purpose of having sex with the corpse (and no, it's not Wisconsin--there are no trick questions here)

2) A man passed out drunk on his way home from a Halloween party, in full zombie makeup. He was mistaken for a murder victim and police were called.

3) A child became entangled in his family's spider web decorations and was nearly strangled to death.

4) A man was caught trying to smuggle two large dildos, hidden in sausages, into Dubai.

5) A man was arrested for placing his roommate in a headlock and biting off part of his ear.

6) Prison guards allowed two female inmates to wed each other in an elaborate ceremony featuring wedding rings fashioned from human hair and dental floss.

Leave your best guesses in the comments. Answers tomorrow.

Now, it's on to Thanksgiving...

Last minute costume idea

My friend Dena sent this, and I think it's a swell last minute costume idea.

Make your own Christopher Walken mask.

Parents: please supervise younger children. And watch those scissors.

Happy Halloween, Baby...

I just got home from work, and as anyone who's ever watched The Hitcher or The Terminator knows, a police station late at night is a scary place to be. I was glad to get out of there.

Weird Tales

H.P. Lovecraft, Robert E. Howard (Conan the Barbarian) and Robert Bloch (Psycho) all wrote for Weird Tales.

All I can say is, who cares. That cover makes me wish I was a disembodied skull, long as I could get that kind of action.

Hubba.

Meet Tiffany Sutton. Happy Halloween!

Just in time for Halloween, 24 year old Tiffany Sutton, of Tempe, Arizona, pled guilty to aggravated assault and was sentenced to 10 years in prison.

And what crime did this sultry, yet disheveled vixen commit?

According to police reports, the victim, 46-year-old Robert McDaniel, agreed to be tied up during sex but became alarmed and asked to be untied when Sutton pulled out a knife and said she liked to drink blood. Sutton then attacked him, slicing his leg, puncturing his arm, shoulder and back and cutting his neck and stomach. When he escaped, she chased him with a pickax.

I found an interesting tidbit in this story from the Arizona Republic (with the wonderful headline "Blood Drinker Gets 10 Years). Sutton claimed that the encounter was consensual:

Sutton told police she made McDaniel sign a book promising not to prosecute her for when the "sex got crazy." "You, Robert McDaniel, swear that no wrong will come to me, Tiffany Lachelle Sutton, due to tonight's events," read the document, provided by the court. "You also pass me all your earthly powers, wealth included."

Drugs and alcohol were involved. The two had smoked methamphetamine, drank a six pack and half a bottle of whiskey.

No word at this time as to the presence of exotic pets in the crime scene.

*Updated on Monday, October 29, 11:10 am

Astute reader Mob points out that Tiffany bears a striking resemblance to the character Marla Singer in the movie Fight Club. I say she looks like the kind of girl who would help you make soap from her mom's liposuction fat, or at least help you steal it from the hospital dumpster:

Behold, the Admiral Peary

Admiral Peary

(for two)

• One 5.5 oz can of Kern's pear nectar


• Juice of one lime


• 4 shots of coconut rum

Mix the ingredients in a cocktail shaker with ice. Pour over ice in a wine glass. Drink. Repeat.
_____________________

Congratulations to Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein!

Admiral Peary won with a whopping 26 votes. I suspect some monkey business may have been involved, but it's still a good name.

Thanks everybody!

Name that drink: Final Four

UPDATE:

THE POLL CLOSES IN 15 MINUTES. YOU ONLY HAVE A FEW MORE MINUTES TO MANIPULATE THE VOTE IN FAVOR OF YOUR FAVORITE DRINK NAME.

Thank you, thank you for all the swell suggestions and comments.

I was not able to act on this yesterday; I was selling my labor to corporate America and spent 12 hours looking snappy in a black suit, providing security for a convention downtown. Now I'm back, rested up, and MizBubs and I just reviewed our choices.

We decided that this calls for a poll. Here's the description of the drink one more time:

One 5.5 oz can of Kern's pear nectar
Juice of one lime
4 shots of coconut rum

The drink was remarkably sophisticated. Of course it reminded me of summer and sunshine, but not in an overly tropical drink kind of way. The pear nectar provided a rich mouth feel, and was a perfect vehicle for the lime. It was delicious, and MizBubs presented it simply, on the rocks, in a wine glass.



Vote early and often!

Strange Stories

See gatorhead woman in bondage! Freak fiddlers! Snake hair woman! Crawling corpse! Cleavage! Cleavage!

Good times my friends. Good times.

Famous Monsters

Now that is one swanky monster. I know I want to go to whatever soirée they're headed to.

Famous Monsters of Filmland was published by James Warren and edited by Forrest J Ackerman.

We can also thank Forrest J Ackerman with creating the very first Vampirella comic. Hubba.



Now for the scaaary part.

Among the many things Forry has done over the years, he was the literary agent for L. Ron Hubbard, back when L. Ron was hustling pulp stories--long before he decided to make real money by inventing a religious cult. He also represented Ed Wood Jr., who wrote outrageous pulp fiction when he wasn't directing classic movies like Glen or Glenda. Forry is also widely credited for having popularized the term "sci-fi".

Anyway, 4SJ is still around. He turns 91 next month. You can visit his website here.


I don't know when my dad started buying me Famous Monsters, but I remember seeing my first ones when I was 4 or 5 years old. The first ones I remember are these two:


What's funny is, my dad disapproved of comic books and Mad Magazine, but had no problem buying these. I carried them around, memorizing monster movie trivia and establishing a life-long love of bad puns. I even got in trouble for bringing them to school and scaring other children with the combination of movie pictures and stories I made up.

Sadly, my once vast collection of Famous Monsters of Filmland is now almost entirely gone. Like the GI Joe stuff I wish I'd taken better care of. We still have two editions, one of which was MizBubs' when she was a kid:

The 1966 Yearbook (Think Simpsons comic book guy: BEST. ISSUE. EVER.)


The 100th Issue, published in 1973.


You can see all the cool covers of every Famous Monsters on this here website.

Friday Random Ten

You Belong To My Heart—Million Dollar Quartet

Right & Ready—Clyde Owens

9^th & Hennepin—Tom Waits

Ziggy Stardust—Bauhaus

I Close My Eyes and Count To Ten—Dusty Springfield

Sisko's Blues—Slavic Soul Party

Take It Or Leave It—The Strokes

Rock N Roll Disgrace—Sweet

Very, Very Hungry—Brian Eno & David Byrne

Big Boys (demo version) Elvis Costello

Name That Drink!

Tonight MizBubs worked her magic and surprised me with a tasty cocktail. Once I saw her mixing, and caught a whiff of fresh lime juice, I was mighty glad I bothered to put together a decent dinner while she was at work:

A mixed green salad with roasted pecans and sun dried tomato vinaigrette dressing,
Grilled chicken breasts,

Pasta tossed with sauteed zucchini and red peppers in a light cream sauce

But anyway, I was here to talk about the drink. Yeah, it's always about the drink here, isn't it? Unless it's about the pork product.

So here's the drink:

One 5.5 oz can of Kern's pear nectar
Juice of one lime
4 shots of coconut rum

The drink was remarkably sophisticated. Of course it reminded me of summer and sunshine, but not in an overly tropical drink kind of way. The pear nectar provided a rich mouth feel, and was a perfect vehicle for the lime. It was delicious, and MizBubs presented it simply, on the rocks, in a wine glass.



The problem is, we don't have a name for it.

Readers, you have never let me down when I've asked for assistance. Remember, you gave us the Lazy Bastard.

The Future, The Way It Used To Be: Pre-Halloween Edition

It's no secret I dig the chicks from the future. For those of you uninterested in glamorous space-age cheesecake, check out the ripped abs and futuristic lightning bolt sash on spaceman, there.

I aim to please.

Just how angry IS that leopard?

Lately I've been getting hits from all over the world from people looking for pictures of an angry leopard attacking a man in India. Back in January I posted a link to a story about a leopard that attacked a man in a housing complex in India, and was subsequently beaten to death by a stick-wielding mob. No one paid much attention at the time. But now? The attention whore in me is doing a drunken jig from all the extra visits.


Now I know how Anandamide felt when he received the random attentions of thousands of ZZ Top fans. And this got me thinking again--how do people find this little spot on the interwebs? And how do I keep up the wonderfully ego-stroking 100 + hits per day?

Someone in Janesville, Wisconsin wanted to compare/contrast Eve White Eve Black 3 faces of Eve.

Naughty Googlers in Hertford, UK, and in Lithuania, wanted naked Bubs.

A Chippewa Falls cheesehead wonders what life in other mid-sized Wisconsin towns is like, and is looking for Eau Claire nude.

Another naughty Googler, this time a cheesehead from Marion, Wisconsin, wanted to find some Wisconsin porn. (Does Wisconsin porn involve more cheese curds and brandy than mainstream porn?)

Testicles. Penis. Stripper. That's what some freak in Bothell, Washington wants.

A thrifty Chicagoan wanted to find LaSalle Bank incentives.

A narcozoology buff in San Antonio, Texas wanted to learn more about bad cop and alligator freak Warren Nyerges.

Some Yankee up in Portland Maine inquired about Lettuce Dogs.

Tina Louise Iggy Pop--evidently someone in Oak Park, Illinois wanted to see both of them together. I can only imagine.

A marathon buff in Toronto wanted to read about the Chicago Marathon aftermath.

Aftermath? Let's try Chicago Marathon Embarrassment instead.


I think I'll ask Grant Miller for pointers on how to jazz up my blog to attract more interesting search hits.