How to deal with an annoying fellow passenger

Ever get stuck next to someone on a train, bus or airplane, and that person just really bugs you? Thanks to the wonders of forwarded email, here's a way of dealing with them. It only works if you have a laptop computer with you.

1) Open your laptop case and remove the computer.

2) Position the computer so that your fellow passenger can clearly see the screen.

3) Close your eyes, tilt your head toward the sky, and mumble under your breath.

4) Then open this link.

Let the good times roll.

The Alligator Connection

As our society falls apart and descends into a George Romero-esque nightmare of alligator attacks and vigilante violence, remember that you heard about it here, first. Our experts have been examining the connection between alligator attacks and crack cocaine for some time, and now we have a frightening new development to report.

Police in Fitchburg, Massachusetts, while executing a search warrant, found a kill-crazy alligator guarding a stash of 56 grams of crack cocaine. Granted, the alligator was only 2 feet long, and confined in a filthy tank full of stagnant water, but don't be fooled--this was undoubtedly part of some fiendishly clever lizard plot that we just haven't figured out yet.

Was the dealer using the alligator to guard the cocaine? Was the alligator using the dealer to lure crackheads within range for an easy gator meal? How did the alligator get as far north as Massachusetts? Is there, like, an underground railroad for alligators based on urban northeastern sewer systems? So many questions, so little bourbon.

Armed America

I feel left out. We missed the road tour, and our family portrait won't appear in the upcoming book.

Here's a quote from Anthony, pictured at right:

"I own a gun because I'm a f*ckin' American and a Marine. It's my God-given right."

Amen, brother.

On a side note, I had no idea that so many tattooed hipsters owned guns.

Attack of the moose head

I imagine this as something like the scene from Evil Dead II when all the mounted animal heads mock the hero. Only in this case, the moose head decided to forgo the mocking, and just jumped off the wall, braining our victim:

Woman sues PSU over loose moose head.

Like Christmas in January

One thing I really like is ordering stuff online, and then coming home from work to find packages recently arrived, waiting for me on the dining room table. It's exciting!

Anyway, this was a busy week. I spent the past 5 days in a class on dignitary protection. Ever wonder how to redirect the target of gunfire and push him headfirst into a waiting limo? We learned how to do stuff like that. The course culminated in a 10 hour long exercise wherein we protected our two "dignitaries" (a judge and our Chief of Police) who were the targets of death threats from a white supremacist group. We went to Midway airport (where we got to drive out onto the tarmac to pick up our principals, jets roaring overhead), the Bilandic building on LaSalle Street, Tavern on Rush, back to the Bilandic building, and then to the United Center for a Blackhawks game. I have a newfound awe and respect for agencies like the Secret Service and the US Marshall who do this all the time.

So, Thursday night I got home and found two boxes on the dining room table. You see the contents in this picture. I finally broke down and bought a basic notebook computer, and I'm excited about that--now I'll be one of those slick bullshit artists with a Power Point presentation ready for any occasion. It's a Compaq from Office Depot, and once I send in these rebates it will have cost me $499.

The other box did not, sadly, contain a firearm. But it did contain a new holster: a Blackhawk CQC Serpa holster for my Glock 26. What a great holster--it came with attachments for wearing on a belt (which is what you see here) as well as a "paddle" attachment for inside-the-belt wear.

It's nice to be well-equipped.

Friday Random Ten: Late and Loud

Bela Lugosi’s Dead—Bauhaus

Pinion—Nine Inch Nails

Boom, Boom, I’m Gonna Shoot You Down—John Lee Hooker

How Could I Be Such a Fool—Frank Zappa

Porky In Wackyland—Carl Stalling

Too Much Monkey Business—The Yardbirds

Run Run Run—The Velvet Underground

Night of the Living Rednecks—Dead Kennedys

Going Down Slow—Howlin’ Wolf

Hoist That Rag—Tom Waits

It wouldn't let go!

The American can-do spirit in action:

`It wouldn't let go!'

Wife uses pen, branch to fight off mountain lion attacking husband


And the woman in the story is 65 years old. Take that, forest predators.

Happy Birthday Eskimo Pie!

One of my favorite websites is the New Orleans Menu, run by New Orleans food writer Tom Fitzmorris. Over the years I've found lots of great N.O. restaurants that, as a guy from Chicago, I probably wouldn't have found otherwise. He's got an email list that I subscribe to, the New Orleans Menu Daily, where he sends out restaurant reviews, recipes, and random thoughts and factoids about food.

Thanks to Mr. Fitzmorris I found out that today is the birthday of the Eskimo Pie. And guess what, fellow midwesterners? The Eskimo Pie originated in Iowa! Yes, Iowa's not just about corn and soy and pigs, it can also be about tasty chocolate-covered ice cream on a stick.

Eskimo Pies were originally sold by a fellow named Christian Nelson, in 1920, under the name "I-Scream Bars." The name Eskimo Pie was recommended by Mrs. Stover after Nelson cut a deal with Russel Stover Candies on this date in 1922.

The Smithsonian has the entire history of the Eskimo Pie here.

Today is also the birthday of canned beer. The Gottfried Kreuger Brewing Company of Newark New Jersey first sold their Finest Beer and Cream Ale on this date in 1935.

Miracle of science: virgin births for lizards

MANCHESTER, England (AP) -- A British zoo on Wednesday announced the virgin birth of five Komodo dragons, giving scientists new hope for the captive breeding of the endangered species.



Please, God, don't let the alligators find out about this.

Monday freak grab bag

Get a load of this first story, courtesy of my eldest daughter. 29 year old Neil Havens Rodreick II tried to enroll in middle school, posing as a 12 year old. It gets better. Neil was living with two men who apparently believed him to be a 12 year old boy; one of them, the hilariously named Lonnie Stiffler, presented himself to school officials as Neil's grandfather. Oh, and Neil is a convicted sex offender, and cops arrested his former Oklahoma cell-mate when they raided his house. This story is like, a 6-layer cake of wrong.

Moving right along, Bawb the Revelator, head of this blog's Dream City bureau, tipped me to a strange incident at the Atlanta airport. I'll let the headline of this next story speak for itself:

CDC Adviser Arrested for Urinal Incident

One wonders if there's some type of Joycelyn Elders defense for government officials caught in such circumstances.

Hot Dog

I have got to train my dogs to do this:

One angry leopard

I'd bet he was pissed off at his tech support. Read the story here.

Friday Random Ten: Pre-dawn edition

Rattlesnake Daddy—Joe D. Johnson

Sunglasses After Dark—Dwight Pullen

Misery is the River of the World—Tom Waits

A Foggy Day—Frank Sinatra

Smokestack Lightnin’—Howlin’ Wolf

Ace of Spades—Link Wray

Hung My Head—Johnny Cash

James Bond Theme—Monty Norman Orchestra

Big Spender—Peggy Lee

Whipped Cream—Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass

Germany or Florida?

A couple of years ago I was listening to Loveline on my way home from work, and I heard Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew playing a game called "Germany or Florida." The game consisted of callers reading bizarre news items, and having Carolla and Dr. Drew guess whether the story originated in Germany or Florida.

While checking the news this morning I ran across a couple of stories that reminded me of this, and I thought, why not share?

So, here's my gift to you today: I've found a few items, all from Germany or Florida, and I'm giving them to you. The weekend is coming, and nothing says boozed-up fun like a few rounds of Germany or Florida with your friends and family.

A) Breeder of fat rabbits (pets or meat?) makes deal to set up a rabbit ranch to feed North Koreans

B) Man suspends wife from tree and rapes her to film bondage porn video

C) Mr. Kraus gets arrested for yanking boys' pants down

D) Plastic surgeon gives cops pictures of breasts so they can track down women who got breast enhancement surgery but didn't pay


Scroll down for answers:







A) Germany
B) Florida
C) Florida
D) Germany

The hippo and the tortoise should be friends

Hopefully this hippo-tortoise friendship won't be ruined when gamekeepers introduce another hippo into the mix.

Read the entire inspiring story here.

Rent a cop

OK, I promise that one of these days I'll sit down and actually write something, and maybe look up some interesting stories to try and entertain you.

The thing is, I took advantage of the last two "days off" to pick up some corporate security work. I ended up spending 9 hours in a parking lot making sure an executive who'd just been fired didn't come back to the office. Turns out the guy was a total fraud and a nutcase. So, now that I'm done fattening my wallet by taking a break from representing the armed might of the state, and instead representing the armed might of corporate America, I can return to blogging. I started by letting the pod in the basement open up, and I switched over to new Blogger, promptly dehumanizing several commenters and rendering them anonymous. Sorry.

I know there's lots of newsworthy events out there that need my attention. Newsworthy stories like this:

People getting arrested in stolen cars because their girlfriends like to stand up through the sunroof, topless

and this:

Middle-aged Cialis freaks going wild in Myrtle Beach.

The Bears won their first playoff game. I was going to write tons of thoughtful sports commentary. Really.

I was near apoplectic after watching Bush's speech on his "new" plan for Iraq. Fortunately, Johnny Yen said most of what I would've said, only better, here, here, and here. Briefly, here's what really pisses me off about the Iraq "surge": according to the US Army's own Counterinsurgency Field Manual, (written by Lt Gen David Petraeus, newly-appointed Iraq commander) the desirable ratio of soldiers to civilians in a counterinsurgency campaign should be about 20 per 1,000. According to the CIA World Factbook, the population of Iraq is approximately 26,700,000. The population of Baghdad is approximately 5,700,000. By those numbers, then, an ideal counterinsurgency campaign in Baghdad would require about 114,000 soldiers. The ideal figure for the entire nation of Iraq would be about 534,000 soldiers. And Eric Shinseki got shit-canned for having the nerve to suggest as much to a Senate committee before the war started. For any of you military history buffs out there, here's an interesting article on "Force Requirements for Stability Operations" from the US Army War College.

So, in a nutshell, Bush's 20,000-soldier "surge" is just more bullshit.

Ok, what else. I got tagged by Katie Schwartz and I'm terrified that I'll look like a poor sport for not responding. Is it ok to wait a week or so before doing one of those things, or is there some expiration date?

Speaking of not responding, my procrastination seems to get worse lately. I have boxes of documents that I need to get rid of (one box of documents from a failed union organizing drive and another of old travel brochures and law enforcement magazines) and two other boxes of documents I desperately need to sort out. SOON. Because a lot of my 2006 tax records are in there, and got thrown in and mixed up with a lot of other crap during a round of frantic pre-holiday-let's-get-the-house-ready-for-company housecleaning. I plan on running in the Chicago Marathon again this year, but I haven't run since Thanksgiving and I'm now tipping the scales at 215 pounds. Did you know that the Chicago Area Runners Association has a category for runners like me? They call us Clydesdales.

I'm chock-full of vaguely formed big plans, yes indeed. Maybe I'll start working on them tomorrow.

I'm pictured here collapsing into the arms of my devoted wife after realizing that January is more than half over and I haven't accomplished a damn thing, in spite of having at least appeared to be quite busy.

Let's waste some time

Practice your archery skills with Bowman.

My gift to you this morning.

Yeah, I got something for you, Elmo...

John and Amanda Beth, don't let my niece see this:

Scorpions on a plane!

You know one thing you don't expect to encounter on a flight from Chicago to Vermont?

Scorpions.

An unlucky fellow flying on a United flight from Chicago to Vermont was repeatedly stung by a scorpion:

"The scorpion bit David Sullivan on the back of his right leg, just below the knee, crawled up through his crotch and down his left leg, he thinks, before getting him again in the shin."

It looks like the feisty arachnid stowed away on a flight from Houston, Texas to Chicago.

Thanks to the ever-vigilant Johnny for the tip on this one.