Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Last minute costume idea

My friend Dena sent this, and I think it's a swell last minute costume idea.

Make your own Christopher Walken mask.

Parents: please supervise younger children. And watch those scissors.

Happy Halloween, Baby...


I just got home from work, and as anyone who's ever watched The Hitcher or The Terminator knows, a police station late at night is a scary place to be. I was glad to get out of there.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Weird Tales


H.P. Lovecraft, Robert E. Howard (Conan the Barbarian) and Robert Bloch (Psycho) all wrote for Weird Tales.

All I can say is, who cares. That cover makes me wish I was a disembodied skull, long as I could get that kind of action.

Hubba.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Meet Tiffany Sutton. Happy Halloween!



Just in time for Halloween, 24 year old Tiffany Sutton, of Tempe, Arizona, pled guilty to aggravated assault and was sentenced to 10 years in prison.

And what crime did this sultry, yet disheveled vixen commit?



According to police reports, the victim, 46-year-old Robert McDaniel, agreed to be tied up during sex but became alarmed and asked to be untied when Sutton pulled out a knife and said she liked to drink blood. Sutton then attacked him, slicing his leg, puncturing his arm, shoulder and back and cutting his neck and stomach. When he escaped, she chased him with a pickax.
I found an interesting tidbit in this story from the Arizona Republic (with the wonderful headline "Blood Drinker Gets 10 Years). Sutton claimed that the encounter was consensual:
Sutton told police she made McDaniel sign a book promising not to prosecute her for when the "sex got crazy." "You, Robert McDaniel, swear that no wrong will come to me, Tiffany Lachelle Sutton, due to tonight's events," read the document, provided by the court. "You also pass me all your earthly powers, wealth included."
Drugs and alcohol were involved. The two had smoked methamphetamine, drank a six pack and half a bottle of whiskey.

No word at this time as to the presence of exotic pets in the crime scene.

*Updated on Monday, October 29, 11:10 am

Astute reader Mob points out that Tiffany bears a striking resemblance to the character Marla Singer in the movie Fight Club. I say she looks like the kind of girl who would help you make soap from her mom's liposuction fat, or at least help you steal it from the hospital dumpster:




Sunday, October 28, 2007

Behold, the Admiral Peary



Admiral Peary

(for two)




Mix the ingredients in a cocktail shaker with ice. Pour over ice in a wine glass. Drink. Repeat.
_____________________

Congratulations to Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein!

Admiral Peary won with a whopping 26 votes. I suspect some monkey business may have been involved, but it's still a good name.

Thanks everybody!

Name that drink: Final Four


UPDATE:

THE POLL CLOSES IN 15 MINUTES. YOU ONLY HAVE A FEW MORE MINUTES TO MANIPULATE THE VOTE IN FAVOR OF YOUR FAVORITE DRINK NAME.

Thank you, thank you for all the swell suggestions and comments.

I was not able to act on this yesterday; I was selling my labor to corporate America and spent 12 hours looking snappy in a black suit, providing security for a convention downtown. Now I'm back, rested up, and MizBubs and I just reviewed our choices.

We decided that this calls for a poll. Here's the description of the drink one more time:

One 5.5 oz can of Kern's pear nectar
Juice of one lime
4 shots of coconut rum

The drink was remarkably sophisticated. Of course it reminded me of summer and sunshine, but not in an overly tropical drink kind of way. The pear nectar provided a rich mouth feel, and was a perfect vehicle for the lime. It was delicious, and MizBubs presented it simply, on the rocks, in a wine glass.



Vote early and often!

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Strange Stories

See gatorhead woman in bondage! Freak fiddlers! Snake hair woman! Crawling corpse! Cleavage! Cleavage!

Good times my friends. Good times.

Friday, October 26, 2007

Famous Monsters


Now that is one swanky monster. I know I want to go to whatever soirée they're headed to.

Famous Monsters of Filmland was published by James Warren and edited by Forrest J Ackerman.

We can also thank Forrest J Ackerman with creating the very first Vampirella comic. Hubba.




Now for the scaaary part.

Among the many things Forry has done over the years, he was the literary agent for L. Ron Hubbard, back when L. Ron was hustling pulp stories--long before he decided to make real money by inventing a religious cult. He also represented Ed Wood Jr., who wrote outrageous pulp fiction when he wasn't directing classic movies like Glen or Glenda. Forry is also widely credited for having popularized the term "sci-fi".

Anyway, 4SJ is still around. He turns 91 next month. You can visit his website here.


I don't know when my dad started buying me Famous Monsters, but I remember seeing my first ones when I was 4 or 5 years old. The first ones I remember are these two:



What's funny is, my dad disapproved of comic books and Mad Magazine, but had no problem buying these. I carried them around, memorizing monster movie trivia and establishing a life-long love of bad puns. I even got in trouble for bringing them to school and scaring other children with the combination of movie pictures and stories I made up.

Sadly, my once vast collection of Famous Monsters of Filmland is now almost entirely gone. Like the GI Joe stuff I wish I'd taken better care of. We still have two editions, one of which was MizBubs' when she was a kid:

The 1966 Yearbook (Think Simpsons comic book guy: BEST. ISSUE. EVER.)



The 100th Issue, published in 1973.


You can see all the cool covers of every Famous Monsters on this here website.

Friday Random Ten

You Belong To My Heart—Million Dollar Quartet

Right & Ready—Clyde Owens

9th & Hennepin—Tom Waits

Ziggy Stardust—Bauhaus

I Close My Eyes and Count To Ten—Dusty Springfield

Sisko's Blues—Slavic Soul Party

Take It Or Leave It—The Strokes

Rock N Roll Disgrace—Sweet

Very, Very Hungry—Brian Eno & David Byrne

Big Boys (demo version) Elvis Costello

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Name That Drink!

Tonight MizBubs worked her magic and surprised me with a tasty cocktail. Once I saw her mixing, and caught a whiff of fresh lime juice, I was mighty glad I bothered to put together a decent dinner while she was at work:

A mixed green salad with roasted pecans and sun dried tomato vinaigrette dressing,
Grilled chicken breasts,
Pasta tossed with sauteed zucchini and red peppers in a light cream sauce


But anyway, I was here to talk about the drink. Yeah, it's always about the drink here, isn't it? Unless it's about the pork product.

So here's the drink:

One 5.5 oz can of Kern's pear nectar
Juice of one lime
4 shots of coconut rum

The drink was remarkably sophisticated. Of course it reminded me of summer and sunshine, but not in an overly tropical drink kind of way. The pear nectar provided a rich mouth feel, and was a perfect vehicle for the lime. It was delicious, and MizBubs presented it simply, on the rocks, in a wine glass.



The problem is, we don't have a name for it.

Readers, you have never let me down when I've asked for assistance. Remember, you gave us the Lazy Bastard.

The Future, The Way It Used To Be: Pre-Halloween Edition


It's no secret I dig the chicks from the future. For those of you uninterested in glamorous space-age cheesecake, check out the ripped abs and futuristic lightning bolt sash on spaceman, there.

I aim to please.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Just how angry IS that leopard?


Lately I've been getting hits from all over the world from people looking for pictures of an angry leopard attacking a man in India. Back in January I posted a link to a story about a leopard that attacked a man in a housing complex in India, and was subsequently beaten to death by a stick-wielding mob. No one paid much attention at the time. But now? The attention whore in me is doing a drunken jig from all the extra visits.


Now I know how Anandamide felt when he received the random attentions of thousands of ZZ Top fans. And this got me thinking again--how do people find this little spot on the interwebs? And how do I keep up the wonderfully ego-stroking 100 + hits per day?

Someone in Janesville, Wisconsin wanted to compare/contrast Eve White Eve Black 3 faces of Eve.

Naughty Googlers in Hertford, UK, and in Lithuania, wanted naked Bubs.

A Chippewa Falls cheesehead wonders what life in other mid-sized Wisconsin towns is like, and is looking for Eau Claire nude.

Another naughty Googler, this time a cheesehead from Marion, Wisconsin, wanted to find some Wisconsin porn. (Does Wisconsin porn involve more cheese curds and brandy than mainstream porn?)

Testicles. Penis. Stripper
. That's what some freak in Bothell, Washington wants.

A thrifty Chicagoan wanted to find LaSalle Bank incentives.

A narcozoology buff in San Antonio, Texas wanted to learn more about bad cop and alligator freak Warren Nyerges.

Some Yankee up in Portland Maine inquired about Lettuce Dogs.

Tina Louise Iggy Pop--evidently someone in Oak Park, Illinois wanted to see both of them together. I can only imagine.

A marathon buff in Toronto wanted to read about the Chicago Marathon aftermath.

Aftermath? Let's try Chicago Marathon Embarrassment instead.


I think I'll ask Grant Miller for pointers on how to jazz up my blog to attract more interesting search hits.

Rock N Roll Jesus gets pinched at the Waffle House

Kid Rock...entourage...Waffle House in Georgia...5:00 AM.

You knew someone was going to get arrested:

Kid Rock Arrested After Fight

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Wings - Jet Live 1976



Here's a sample of live Wings, from their "Wings over America" tour. I was 12 in 1976.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

There Simply Aren't 7 Things About Me


Not seven interesting things, anyway. But, goode husband Bubs has commanded, and I must obey. Sickening, isn't it?

1. I don't like talking on the telephone. This is ironic, since answering the phone is a big part of my job, and I'm very good at it. I think My ambivalence to telephones comes from not being raised with one. We had our telephone removed when I was 5 or 6 years old because my Mother had a self-control issue, aggravated by being an extreme alcoholic. The final straw was when she called a merchant marine ex-husband shore-to-ship in the Suez Canal. Not cheap in 1969!

2. I'm a tough guy. That's code for really stupid. Several years ago I was drilling a hole in the end of a branch to make a bird perch. While overly cautious people might use a vise to hold the branch, I held it in my hand. When the drill inevitably kicked and tore up the edge of my hand, I didn't panic. I had one of the girls help me rinse off the sawdust, wrap some paper towels around it, and fasten it with strapping tape. When Bubs got home a little while later, I really didn't think I needed to go to the emergency room. The doctor thought I needed five stitches.

3. I am good at sh*ting in the woods.

4. When we left the National Guard, I outranked Bubs.

5. I secretly like old fashioned florals, lace, fancy china, and all that girl stuff. I couldn't live with it all the time, but I wish I had a girlie sun room to have tea in sometimes.

6. I still like early Wings. There, I said it.

7. This was not as bad as I thought it'd be, but you owe me big, Bubs!

Friday, October 19, 2007

Toilet Snake Random Ten

This toilet snake story is courtesy of the inquisitive and persistent MizBubs. Believe me, this narcozoologist is indeed lucky to have such a plucky girl Friday.

I'm not talking about the kind of "toilet snake" that you use to clear a clogged toilet. Nope.

I'm talking about the kind of toilet snake that jumps up out of the bowl, hissing, to bite you on the keyster in the wee hours of the morning. Like the 7 foot python pictured at right.

That's a picture of the python that Brooklyn resident Nadege Brunacci found when she went to use her toilet in the early morning hours.

It took plumbers and the NYFD to cut the snake out of the plumbing once they arrived. Additional investigation revealed that the snake had reportedly been seen slithering around the basement of the apartment building a few days before this event.

So, how does this happen? One theory is that the snake was attracted by the glittering gold coins embedded in Ms. Brunacci's toilet seat:


Another theory is that New Yorkers, terrorized for decades by rumors of huge albino alligators lurking in their sewers, have decided to fight back by deploying pythons into the sewer system. Much in the same way that pythons are now on the rampage against alligators in the Everglades.

As strong as the urge is to fight fire with fire, we must not fight reptile with reptile! In the words of Friedrich Nietzche:

Whoever fights reptiles should see to it that in the process he does not become a reptile. And if you gaze long enough into the dark lizard brain, the dark lizard brain will gaze back into you.

Good words to live by if you ask me.

_____________________


And now on to today's random ten:

Outlaw Blues—Bob Dylan

She Came In Through The Bathroom Window—The Beatles

(actually, the sex of the python is unknown, and it came in through the bathroom plumbing)

Sassafras Roots—Green Day

Who Threw The Whiskey In the Well—Wynonie Harris

Will You Be Loving Another Man—Bill Monroe

Rocking Little Eskimo—Bobby Swanson & His Sonics

Rip It Up—Elvis Presley

Machine Gun—The Riptides

Mambo Jambo—Perez Prado

Good Thing—Fine Young Cannibals


Thursday, October 18, 2007

R.I.P. Joey Bishop


LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Joey Bishop, the deadpan comedian, TV host and last of the super-hip team of performers known as the Rat Pack, led by Frank Sinatra, has died at age 89, his publicist said on Thursday.

Bishop, born Joseph Abraham Gottlieb on February 3, 1918, in the Bronx, died on Wednesday night at his home in Newport Beach, south of Los Angeles, following an illness of several months.

I was surprised, upon reading his biography at imdb.com, that he did not provide the voice of the Aardvark on the old Pink Panther show cartoons. That was done by John Byner. When I mentioned this discovery to MizBubs, she mocked my ignorance by asking if I knew that Orson Welles did not provide the voice of The Brain.

Weird and Occult Miscellany


This might be a good name for future features here at the Compound.

Weird and Occult Miscellany was published by a Brit named Gerald G. Swan. Swan was an enterprising fellow who stockpiled paper before WWII, and was one of the few publishers in Great Britain who was able to keep turning out material when paper was rationed during the war.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Time for the midweek freak

Yes, it's Wednesday, and that means one thing here at the compound: weenie wavers. Let's take a look at this week's collection of naked and near-naked freaks.

There was something of a recent epidemic of driving without pants.

William W. Donnell, a truck driver from Tennessee, was stopped by the Indiana State Police. The trooper got a surprise when Mr. Donnell was discovered to be sans pantalon. Mr. Donnell explained that he was more comfortable driving without pants on.

Kim Leblanc of Cincinnati has a more interesting explanation of why he was found inside someone else's automobile, naked from the waist down. He said a leprechaun had let him into the car! The news report says that Mr. Leblanc is still in custody "on a variety of charges." Oh, one more thing, and this may surprise you--drugs were involved.

_____________________


Moving on to other assorted freakery...

An unknown strip club patron in Fort Walton Beach, Florida, was arrested for solicitation of prostitution. Police arrived at the club after the man groped a stripper, opened his pants and exposed his penis. The man explained to officers that the stripper had promised to perform an act of oral copulation on him for $500. He helpfully explained this several times, even after being advised of his rights. The stripper claimed the $500 was for a bottle of champagne, so in that way I suppose alcohol
was involved.



What is it about conservative Republicans and public toilet sex? Louisiana State Senate Candidate, former Louisiana GOP Executive Committee member and St Bernard Parish councilman Joey DiFatta suddenly dropped out of the race citing "chest pains."

Chest pains? Yeah, brought on by the stress of having the New Orleans Times Picayune reveal that he'd been stopped at least twice before doing variations of the old toe-tapping routine in public toilets.


_____________________


And now we arrive at our last story. First, let me say that Florida has come through for me once again. Thank you, Sunshine State!


50-year old Thomas Blacine was arrested after a police dog tracked his scent. Blacine is believed to be "The Naked Tickler", suspected of breaking into at least a dozen homes since 2004, naked, and tickling women while they sleep. He has also videotaped women, and videotaped himself engaging in such antics as urinating into a milk jug.

Blacine reportedly admitted to videotaping women, but denied tickling them.


Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Ok, one more time with the Mr. Testicles...


OK, I promise, this is my last Chicago Marathon-related post.

It's just that I just found out something about a minor celebrity who ran, and who has now appeared in countless blog posts and YouTube videos. Of course, I'm talking about Mr. Testicles.

Yes, that's right. I found his official web page, and I found his Chicago Marathon blog.

Mr. Testicles isn't just about testicular cancer--it's a male cancer site, dealing with prostate and bowel cancers as well.

I found this after looking through various marathon message boards and seeing yet another mention of Mr. Testicles, this time on a Danish runner's web page. The picture you see in the upper right corner is from that Danish runner. He's got a lot of other cool shots of the marathon in there as well.

Bible thumper update


Blue Earth County jail guard James Lee Sheppard, featured here after he allegedly hit an inmate with a Bible and choked him a little, has now pled guilty.

According to this story in the Mankato Free Press

"A Blue Earth County jailer who whacked an inmate with a Bible in February has pleaded guilty to fifth-degree assault, a misdemeanor.

Two gross misdemeanor charges of mistreatment of a confined person and misconduct by a public officer were dismissed in the plea agreement for 56-year-old James Lee Sheppard."

Evidently the tightly-wound Sheppard was placed on paid leave for a while after the whacking incident, and then assigned to serve court papers. While serving papers in June a homeowner challenged Sheppard and asked for identification, and Sheppard (lacking a nearby Bible) allegedly punched the man. That case is still pending an outcome.

I realize, though, that my "Bible thumper" label is not really accurate, and may be unfair to non-violent Bible thumpers. In the initial account I had pictured the jailer, full of righteous, Holy Testament-inspired wrath, using his own Bible to thump the inmate. You know, as if he carried it around with him for just such occasions.

I've since discovered that Sheppard used the inmate's Bible for the thumping. Somehow the story is not nearly as entertaining for me now. Oh well.




Monday, October 15, 2007

Seven Facts


Facts are simple and facts are straight
Facts are lazy and facts are late
Facts all come with points of view
Facts don't do what I want them to

-Talking Heads, "Crosseyed and Painless"


I recently got tagged by Samurai Frog, and ordered to reveal seven facts about myself. A similar meme-like object circulated through blogworld back in July; since those big 8-fact Facty McMansions didn't move, they've now been reduced to more manageable 7-fact duplexes.

At times I find facts to be very much overrated, but for now I'll let that go and just, uh, stick to the facts:

1) I frequently plan trips that I will probably never take, sometimes in great detail. At least now that we have an interwebs connection, MizBubs no longer has to hear the words she used to dread: "
I've sent for some brochures." I used to have a file cabinet full of travel-related maps, catalogs and brochures.

2) I recently dropped my plan to attend graduate school and get an MBA. I'll take sanity instead. I initially postponed my entry (I was scheduled to start classes the week after my friend died) but now, thinking through things more clearly, I've decided that I really don't want to go back to school. Really, most of the time, other than being around MizBubs, the girls and my friends, I'd rather not do much of anything at all.

3) I love camping, canoeing and hiking, but I only went camping once in all of 2007. I need to get out more, because those are all things that make me truly happy, and they've been missing from my life for the past year or so.

4) I own six guns and will probably buy some more in the next few years.

5) I've taken swing dancing lessons twice with MizBubs, and want to take some more. I've gotten rusty, and I was never slick in the first place.

6) One thing that's kept me out of trouble all these years is my firm belief that if I ever do anything wrong, I
will be caught. When I was in 8th grade we lived close to the Delaware river, and my parents forbade me from fishing along its banks. I had to fish in the canal or at a local pond. A friend of mine, an avid fisherman, fished in the river and was always trying to get me to go with him. One day, my mom, dad and brothers took off to go somewhere for the day. Once they left, I called my friend and we headed down to the river, where we spent most of the day fishing. After several hours, we climbed up the riverbank, back to the edge of River Road. Just as we emerged from the trees and prepared to cross, my family drove by. I had one of those frozen-in-time moments, where the car seemed to slow down as all its occupants turned in unison to stare at me. The day did not end well for me, and I've stayed out of trouble since.

7) I'd like to take cooking classes for fun. I don't think MizBubs knows this about me.


Now for the passive-aggressive tagging part, where I inflict this on others whether they like it or not.

You're it:

MizBubs
Splotchy
Dale
Kirby, of I Make No Promises
Mr. Write Procrastinator
Beckeye
Evil Dictator

And anyone else who'd like to share. Knowledge is power!


Green Monkey Geography Pop Quiz Mix

I was lucky enough to be walking by the cool kid's table in the cafeteria while Splotchy was planning the latest Green Monkey Music Project--the Geography Pop Quiz Mix! I got in on the action, and with a little luck some day I'll be a GREEN MONKEY MASTER (say that in your best badly-dubbed 1970's kung fu movie voice!)

So here's my choices. I put a lot of thought into these, racking my brains for 5 or even 10 minutes before sending a list of titles over to Splotchy at 1:13 am:

Singapore Tom Waits

This was the very first song I thought of, off of my favorite Tom Waits record Rain Dogs. What a unique sound, and the very first line (we sail tonight for Singapore, we're all as mad as hatters here...) sets the tone.

Mozambique Bob Dylan

When this song came out I immediately wanted to go hang out in Mozambique. Something about the fiddle, the talk of pretty girls, I don't know. At the age of 14 this song sounded so exotic and worldly; in hindsight read about what Mozambique was going through when Dylan wrote this song and you have to ask yourself, Bob, what the f*ck were you thinking?

Streets of Laredo Marty Robbins

A maudlin classic, based on a traditional tune by those masters of maudlin the Irish. Marty Robbins' version is actually slower than the folk versions I've heard (check out the one by Johnny Cash) but it's still great. Get this--this is one of the songs I routinely sang as a bedtime lullaby to my children. By the age of 5 my kids had heard more songs about dying cowboys, train wrecks, prison, murder, morphine addiction and homelessness than any other kids around.

Viva Las Vegas Elvis Presley

This was the second song I thought of. I gave Splotchy the option of using the Elvis version or the Dead Kennedys', but I'm glad he picked the original. I don't think I ever get tired of hearing this. I'll probably be playing it 2 or 3 times a day until December 1st when I head out for the Las Vegas Marathon. It's just got a great frantic sound repeating over and over behind Elvis' slower, cooler vocals. Dig it.

Blue Moon of Kentucky Bill Monroe

This is one of those songs that we have at least a half dozen versions of, including multiple takes by Monroe himself. Originally recorded as a high lonesome sounding hillbilly waltz, in later versions Monroe picks it up. In later versions, like the one Splotchy picked for the mix, Monroe starts it out slow and then speeds it up mid-song. One of Elvis Presley's first recordings for Sun Records was a great rockabilly version of this song.

Wild Cats of Kilkenny The Pogues

A great instrumental by a great band. Kilkenny is a beautiful little city and a fun place to visit--I regret not spending more than a day there when we visited in 2003.

That's Right (You're Not From Texas) Lyle Lovett

I've always had kind of a weird love for Texas, ever since training at Fort Sam Houston in San Antonio back in the early 80's. San Antonio--really, all of the hill country between San Antonio and Austin--is one of my favorite places. Ignoring the current occupant of the White House, I've always found Texans to be kind of quirky in a larger-than-life way, and to my mind there's no better liberal than a Texas liberal. One of MizBubs' brothers has lived there for a few years now, and we love to visit and hang out there. It's on my short list of places to retire to in a few years.







15 cent horror stories


Good morning!

Halloween is only 16 days away. Plenty of time to catch up on your Halloween reading.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Halloween is coming


Time to shed your old skin, and get your scary skin on.

There was only one thing I could do...

...and that was ding a ding dang my dang a long ling long.


Saturday, October 13, 2007

A letter from Carey Pinkowski

I just got a letter from Chicago Marathon Executive Race Director Carey Pinkowski. It's dated October 12.

After 5 days, the Chicago Marathon has now officially spoken to the runners.

Remember a couple of days ago, I mentioned that a quick response to a bad situation from a public official should express "concern over the incident, a committment to finding out exactly what happened, and a determination to correct any problem that's uncovered"? Well, folks, you read Mr. Pinkowski's statement and tell me if you think it does any of these things:



Dear Runners,


For 17 years I have been honored to serve as Executive Race Director of The LaSalle Bank Chicago Marathon, a race steeped in a 30-year tradition of providing the ultimate marathon experience for runners.


The record high temperatures and humidity at Sunday’s race made for a challenging day for marathoners. The conditions on Sunday presented me with the single most difficult decision I have ever made as race director. While that was a frustration to many, I stand behind the decision to end the race early– it was a necessary safety measure. However, I also recognize that because of the conditions and my decision, many of our runners did not have the experience they trained for and expected.


As an organization dedicated to providing the very best experience in the industry, the results have left us disappointed as well. Our team has spent the last several days reviewing the details and we are listening to runners, staff and volunteers. Rest assured that we take the day’s events - and your comments - seriously.


We are reviewing all details and feedback as we plan to continue the tradition of our race in 2008 and beyond. Offering the best experience possible to runners always has been our priority and it remains a commitment of the highest importance.


My personal gratitude goes to each of you, as well as to staff and volunteers, for participating in the race this year. I share in your disappointment, if you did not have the experience you expected.


I certainly hope to be able to greet you at our finish line in the years ahead, in the grand fashion that has characterized The LaSalle Bank Chicago Marathon for so many years.


Sincerely,


Carey Pinkowski

Executive Race Director





Once again, no mention of aid stations, difficulty finding hydration, or lack of cooling stations until late in the race. Nothing. At least he doesn't come right out and call me an overly-thirsty, whiny loser.


Maybe he saw my apology on Thursday.






Friday, October 12, 2007

Lettuce Dogs


Yes, that's what I said. Lettuce dogs.

There they go, toiling away for their midget masters.










I'm ready to end my all marathon, all the time, posting now. I'll start the break with this week's random ten:

Poor Boy—Elvis Presley

Fort Worth Jail—Skeets McDonald

Leave Me Alone—Lou Reed

Fancy—Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Terminator X To The Edge of Panic—Public Enemy

You're The One For Me, Fatty—Morrissey

Long Black Veil—Nick Cave

Hillbilly Hare—The Carl Stalling Project

Cryin' But My Tears Are Far Away—The Knitters

Take It Off—The Genteels


That is all.

We've got a clown problem


I'm tired, but I had to get this out there while it's still relatively fresh.

Two clown stories in the news, and both have a midwestern angle.

First, in frightening news from Marion, Iowa, a trio of scary clowns are apparently going around kicking in front doors (perhaps in advance of Halloween?) and punching homeowners in the face.

Now my second story.

Right about the same time I was reading about A. Paul Carlock's arrest on child pornography charges, southside bureau chief Dena was sending me a link to this Smoking Gun story. The Smoking Gun has an extra-creepy promo video from Klutzo's trip to the Philippines.

A. Paul Carlock, a Springfield, Illinois resident better known as Klutzo the Clown, is something of a renaissance clown. Not merely a clown, he is a Christian Clown. He has also been a police officer, juvenile counselor, youth officer, police trainer and has served in a variety of other Illinois government jobs. Oh, yeah, he's also worked at a couple of day care centers and is an ordained minister with the Missionary Church International.

In short, this sick bastard has had nothing but jobs giving him access to children for something like 20 years. According to this story in the Lincoln Courier, Carlock's last marriage ended in 1984 after "an incident" forced him to resign his job as pastor at a local church. His current wife filed for divorce last week citing "mental cruelty" after clowning around with him for several years.

I had a link to Klutzo's webpage, but as of 10:45 pm CST it's no longer operational.

After a little digging, though, I was able to come up with A. Paul Carlock Jr.'s Amazon.com profile. These were the tags he used in the reviews he wrote of ten movies:

(3), (2), (2), (1), (1), (1), (1), (1), (1), (1), (1), (1), (1), (1), (1), (1), (1), (1), (1), (1), (1), (1)


According to this story in The Daily Journal, a downstate Illinois newspaper,

In December 1986, Carlock wrote a letter to the State Journal-Register complaining about a cartoon. In the letter, he said he was a conservative Christian and not ashamed of the fact.

"I am not in favor of censorship, but do feel that far too much 'smut' has been poured into the minds of Americans by all forms of media," he wrote.

"I have spent the past 16 years in law enforcement and related professions. I have spoken with victims and offenders and have read many case histories in which pornographic materials played an overwhelming role in the events that have left lives shattered and homes broken."

Later in the letter, he wrote: "Why is it so unreasonable to assume the government has the right to protect the public from the harmful effects of pornography (especially in light of the vast amounts of evidence to support this claim)?

As in so many stories like this, it's not just the child victims of the clown who suffer. In this case, law-abiding clown Klutzo, also known as Algonquin Village Clerk Jerry Kautz, has retired his wig and floppy shoes after being confused for the evil Klutzo.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

2007 LaSalle Bank Chicago Clusterf*ck: The Aftermath

I am sorry.

I apologize, to all the runners who finished behind me or who couldn't finish because I am a reckless, fat amateur who hogged all the water and Gatorade. I apologize to all the runners who collapsed in the heat, all the emergency workers who had to respond to the crisis, and now I'm apologizing to anyone who will listen.

Why? Because I am one of the 35,000 non-professional athletes who ran in Sunday's Chicago Marathon, and as I've discovered in the past few days everything that went wrong is the fault of the runners, and I'm all about taking responsibility. So, once again, mea culpa.

Just ask Chicago Tribune writer Mike Downey, who laid it all out in his October 9th editorial, Nobody forced anyone to run:


"...And don't blame sponsor LaSalle Bank if you were weak from thirst and couldn't get enough to drink.

You've got nobody to blame but yourselves.

If you are foolhardy enough to run a marathon when the temperature outdoors is up to 88 degrees, then it is your fault, no one else's.

Nearly 10,000 of the people who filed entries for this 30th annual race were smart enough not to run it.

It is as idiotic to run more than 26 miles in a brutal and potentially lethal heat as it is to play golf in a thunderstorm."

He goes on from there, but you get the idea. His opinions have been echoed by numerous sports radio personalities and callers over the past few days, and in the comments posted after the online versions of several articles about the race. There's been plenty of talk about "personal responsibility" and descriptions of runners as whiners who are unhappy that things didn't turn out the way they wanted. I've heard plenty of "what kind of an IDIOT runs when it's 90 degrees out?!" statements, many of them coming from Superfans in between mouthfuls of Cheetos and Lite beer.


What a bunch of bullshit.


Every runner in that race paid a $110 registration fee. That's $4.95 million in entry fees alone. When you pay $110 to participate in an event you have a reasonable expectation of getting more than a $5 commemorative tee shirt. You are paying for support during the race, things like readily available fluids along the route. To me the central issue was not whether or not the race should have been canceled, or when. I just want to see an honest assessment of what went wrong (and what went well) on race day, and I'm not seeing it.


_____________________


Marathon running has exploded in popularity in the past decade. The Chicago Marathon has gone from 25,000 runners registered in 1999 to 45,000 runners registered in 2007. Every year the registration fills earlier; this year entry was closed in mid-April, except for elite runners and people running for charity. The early registration deadline puts many runners in the position of shelling out money and committing to race months before they even know if they'll be in shape to do so. And, of course, those fees are non-refundable. Much was made by people like Mike Downey of the fact that 10,000 runners didn't show up on race day, but it's typical for there to be thousands of no-shows in a given year.


Marathons have gone from obscure endurance races for handfuls of scrawny athletes to major events and revenue generators. According to the Associated Press, the Boston Marathon generates $50 million in revenues; the Chicago Marathon injects $20 million into the local economy. Some articles, like this one in the Chicago Sun-Times, question whether the Chicago Marathon has gotten too big.


You won't hear anything about the race being too big from city government, or from the organizers, beyond typical spokesman statements like this one from Chicago Marathon spokesman Shawn Platt:
Mayor Daley weighed in, defending the race organization:
According to this article in the Chicago Tribune, by the time Mayor Daley was making the above statement, race organizers said they had already finished their investigation:
"After polling their 15 aid-station captains, race officials stood by their claim there were enough fluids, despite widespread complaints from runners who said they went without in the record-setting heat."Yes, we struggled at times to meet demand, but we distributed throughout the day," race spokeswoman Marianne Caponi said. "Obviously there are runners who went through aid stations and didn't get fluids. I can't really comment on the difference."

... As Daley tried to tamp down any impact on Chicago's Olympic bid, race organizers said no major changes are planned for future races, although they'll always "dissect [a race] and look at ways to improve," Caponi said.Organizers consider their investigation into Sunday's race closed, she said."

At first this really stunned me. I might have expected a sportswriter or talk show callers to blame the runners, but I was suprised to hear the mayor defending the race organizers just 2 days after the event, and I was especially surprised to hear the race organizers announce that they'd already finished their "investigation."


A few months ago I took a class on media relations from former Chicago reporter Rick Rosenthal. One of the things Rosenthal talked about was how a public official should respond to an ugly news situation--one that might result in embarrassment or worse for your organization. He said that, as soon as possible, a responsible representative from the agency should go on camera and give a statement expressing concern over the incident, a committment to finding out exactly what happened, and a determination to correct any problem that's uncovered. Pretty simple stuff.


So, why didn't we see concern, committment or determination to fix the problem expressed by anyone representing the Chicago Marathon?


When a city receives tens of millions of dollars in revenue from a major event there's not going to be any incentive in city government to make anyone running that event look bad. When people running an event have done so successfully, and to great acclaim, for several years, it's understandable that they might respond with disbelief or defensiveness when confronted over an incident like last Sunday's race. And then, when issues of corporate sponsorship, marketing, profit and personal reputation are all mixed together, you get the tone-deaf, apparently arrogant response that we've seen in the past few days.


The Chicago Marathon was to some degree the victim of its own success and marketing this past weekend:
  • The race is aggressively marketed throughout the running community as a good venue for first-time marathoners.
  • Charities such as the leukemia "Team In Training" promote their training programs as fundraisers, and encourage thousands of novice runners to enter the Chicago marathon for such fundraising. The amount of money raised for charities went from $2,950,000 in 2002 to a reported $9,500,000 in 2006.
  • Chicago has become one of the top 5 marathons in the world, and the race directors know how much money is generated by the event and have no incentive to limit participation.

  • City officials, corporate boards and civic boosters know how much money is brought into the local economy, and have no incentive to tell race organizers to limit participation.

Picture a city of 35,000 people on a given day. Odds are someone is going to die. Now picture a city of 35,000 people running in 88 degree heat. The fact is that as more runners participate in an event like this the chances of something going wrong increase, and it's harder to adapt and respond to situations like Sunday's with 35,000 runners than it would have been with 20,000.


Another thing I've seen since 1999 is, for lack of a better description, a lack of respect for the event from many runners. I saw an attitude manifested Sunday by many runners that I think is the result of a mentality that says "hey, I paid my $110 fee, I can do whatever the f*ck I want." I've seen way more walkers clogging the route by lining up ahead of runners, I've seen more runners wearing headphones barreling along, oblivious to their surroundings, and Sunday I saw large numbers of runners yakking on cell phones WHILE THEY WERE ON THE COURSE. Yes, more than once I saw a runner take out a cell phone, abruptly stop running, and start walking in the middle of the street while chatting. Hilarity did not ensue as other runners were forced to stop short or swing around them.


I've also seen a blurring of lines among spectators, volunteers and runners on the course. As the race has taken on a more festival-like atmosphere, many, many people seem to take it less seriously. (Hypocrisy alert here--I'm running my next marathon in an Elvis costume.) I had to stop short or change direction multiple times because of bystanders cutting across the course as hundreds of runners went by. This is inexcusable. At times it was difficult to tell if people on the side of the street near water stops were volunteers, spectators or gawkers.


Running is not for everyone, and I think everyone who participates in a long distance event is well aware of the chances we take. No matter what condition you're in, or what weather you have, it might just be "your time". I don't think anyone involved in planning the Chicago event was incompetent, and certainly no one in the city administration. There were contingency plans, there were extra fluids put out (although whether they made it to the right place is another matter) and, in much the same way that an otherwise fit runner can drop dead, sometimes events spiral out of control through no fault of any individual actor.


I just wish I'd heard anyone from the Chicago Marathon organization acknowledge this.




Wednesday, October 10, 2007

More Testicles!

More video featuring Mr. Testicles. Man, that runner had balls. He got videotaped everywhere! You can see him about 58 seconds in.

This was shot by another first-timer. Now, I don't mean any disrespect, but when I ran my first marathon the last f*cking thing on my mind was bringing along a camera or video recorder. But that's just me.

This video also features the Boys Town rifle drill squad, which was at mile 8, and you can see the runners already beginning to walk. The video then jumps forward to Pilsen, and some footage of my heroes on 18th Street. She's also got some good video of the time when the race was canceled; you can hear the announcements over the police loudspeakers and see the firefighters opening hydrants. It looks like the runner was probably around the same point in the race that I was when it happened. The runner makes some negative comments at the end about the city which, in my opinion, are not deserved. I think a lot of folks don't understand that the race organization is a separate entity from the city of Chicago.

2007 LaSalle Bank Chicago Clusterf*ck Videos

It looks like this video was shot at aid stations before the 8 mile mark



Here's a few minutes of video shot by a first-time marathon runner. She gives a pretty good runners-eye view of the race. Mr Testicles is visible about 1:50 into the video:



Here's a video of a bystander at 4.5 miles providing water from a garden hose. Runners are already looking worn down: