Thank you, and God bless you all!

Well, this is a difficult post to write. I'm so full of love for all of you right now, bursting with it, and have so many things that I want to say...but I'll try and make this brief.

5 years, 11 months, and 25 days ago I started a blog to have some fun, reach out to people and entertain myself. Along the way I landed a blogging gig with ChicagoNow, and even got on the radio a few times. It's been a blast, and I can't thank you guys enough for reading, commenting and re-tweeting over the years..

Lately, though, I've felt something missing in my life. I realized that too much of my time and energy was being spent in what was, ultimately, a rather shallow series of clown jokes, stories about weenie-wavers, and self-satisfied crowing about how much I ate and drank. I've also become less satisfied with my career as a law enforcement officer. For some time now I've spent hours thinking about how I could better live a life of service, compared to the well-paid and complacent civil servant's life I now lead.

I have wrestled with both demons and Lincoln's "better angels" of my nature. And I have made a decision. A trip down south affected me in a profound, and I hope lasting, way.

This is my last blog post.

I have taken a leave of absence from my job, pending my retirement. I have purchased a used Dodge minivan and converted it to a makeshift camper. I had hoped to buy a mobile home in which to travel the shining gospel way, but it didn't work out.

On Monday I will be driving south to New Orleans where I will be joining a recently-formed street ministry, the Good News Living Statue Ministry. I ran into some of these folks during a trip to New Orleans, as several of them acted out the Stations of the Cross around Jackson Square. As I stumbled out of a nearby daiquiri stand and crashed into one of the soldiers scourging the Christ, I felt a profound sense of disorientation and longing, and knew I'd been truly touched.

The GNLSM ministers mostly to gutter punks, street performers and tourists in the French Quarter. They do so mainly by acting out various Gospel passages while spray-painted gold or silver, in the manner of many New Orleans street performers. I was moved by the depth and intensity of their devotion to the Gospel, as well as to the art of living statue performance. They are truly Godly people, and other than a brief (but ugly) confrontation with a group of traveling Clowns for Christ, I have found them to be beyond reproach. I have signed on to act as a fry cook and go-fer for the troupe until I "learn the ropes" as a living statue and New Testament reenactor.

My beautiful wife and children, while not fully comprehending my decision, are nevertheless pretty much supportive of it. They will remain here performing earthly duties such as bill payment and home maintenance while I carry out God's work down south. They are my rock.

Please pray for me, as I will for all of you. God bless you all!

Hey...anybody there?

It's been a while hasn't it?

Five years ago my kids talked me into starting a blog. I started by spilling my guts, and moved on from there. Quite a few things have happened since then.

For starters, we're all five years older.

My hobby blog led to some fun opportunities. I had a pretty good run as a paid blogger and got to hear myself on the radio a few times, that was kinda cool. While I was all full of myself and letting my head swell I kind of neglected things around here.

So now I'm cleaning out the cobwebs, chasing off the snakes and opening the windows to air things out here at the Compound. I don't want to make any money, I don't want any public notice (beyond a few dozen friends and family), and I don't want to write about anything police-related--unless, of course, it involves alligators, weenie-wavers or predatory clowns. And maybe amputees.

I'll start with a couple of items that caught my attention this week.

Meet Mark Thompson of wild, wonderful West Virginia:


I'll just quote the lead from this article in the Charleston Gazette:

Police say an Alum Creek man high on bath salts killed his neighbor's pygmy goat and that neighbors found him in his bedroom, dressed in a bra and panties, next to the dead animal...

Believe me when I tell you that there are more details in the article, and it gets weirder.

Just because I stopped writing about it doesn't mean that the ongoing war between alligators and humankind has stopped, or even slowed--as a matter of fact, I see clear indicators that it might be escalating. Example:

A kill-crazy alligator in Gainesville, Florida, recently attacked a marked police car, clamping down and seizing the bumper of the patrol car in its deadly jaws:



I got this last one courtesy of Lisa Golden, an old blogging chum, via Twitter. The story originates in (of course) Florida, and sports one of the best leads I've seen:

Floridians are going to have to start pulling up their pants and stop having sex with animals soon.

Florida recently passed two pieces of legislation--one aims at ending the state's nightmarish epidemic of human-animal sexual relations, and the other aims at getting young men to pull their damn pants up.

That's all for now. We have a big weekend coming up: the Kentucky Derby on Saturday, and Mother's Day on Sunday. I'm digging through my photo archives for suitable material.

Have a great day, and thanks for stopping by.

A cunning move by the clowning community

I've been outmaneuvered by the clowns. In a cunning move by the clowning community, they apparently scheduled the 24th annual Clowns of America International Convention for the exact same week that they knew I would be busy attending the ILEETA training conference!

The convention is being held in Clarksville, Indiana, right across the river from Louisville. They are offering a variety of classes and contests, and the event ends with a clown worship service on Sunday. Clowns can buy a wide variety of clown merchandise such as costume noses:



This clown is shown demonstrating a technique for sucking the life essence out of a small child:

On a positive note, I've made a useful discovery. It seems that clowns use certain types of jewelry to recognize each other while in disguise as regular folk:



Ah well. I can't be in two places at the same time, so I guess it's back to ILEETA tomorrow. The work continues.

You can see these and more clowny photos in this feature from the Louisville Courier-Journal. I applaud the Courier-Journal for publishing these photos, even if the Courier-Journal failed to grasp their true nature.

It's nice to be thought of...

Yesterday was one of those strange plate of shrimp days. The lattice of coincidence made several connections.

On the one hand, it's nice to know that readers and friends think of me and are quick to send stories that they think I'll get a kick out of, or use here for material. On the other hand, it's a sobering moment when you realize that when people see a story about predatory clowns or goat f*cking, you're the first person they think of. Take that, high school teachers who thought I'd never amount to anything!

Yesterday, March 13, was the 29th anniversary of the conviction of famous clown and Democratic precinct captain John Wayne Gacy. I thought that was a nice opportunity for a creepy clown post.

Before I could get started, I got an email from noted ghost hunter Marni alerting me that Stephen King's IT is about to be released on the big screen. You can thank her for the nice picture at the top of this post.

Splotchy sent me a BoingBoing link titled Mark Dery's Pyrotechnic Insanitarium Revival. You can thank them for reminding me of one of my favorite clown pictures, which I offer to you here:

Mark Dery is the author of The Pyrotechnic Insanitarium: American Culture on the Brink, a rollicking millenial nightmare published in 1999. He has recently put an essay from that book up on the interwebs in readable PDF format. It's titled Cotton Candy Autopsy: Deconstructing Psycho Killer Clowns. Enjoy the read.

Then another email from my favorite provocative and occasionally potty-mouthed pastry chef Jin. She thoughtfully updated me on the Florida legislature's ongoing efforts to make bestiality illegal. The case featured in the article involved a man who was arrested but never charged after asphyxiating Meg the Goat during copulation. He was prosecuted after another kidnapping (heh) several months later.

Yes, Florida currently has no law against bestiality. They've been working on addressing this problem for more than a year, and still haven't arrived at a suitable piece of legislation. The last time Florida's "anything goes" bestiality problem was in the news was in April 2008, when blind man Alan Yoder was arrested for sodomizing his guide dog. I profiled his case, and a few others, here.

I have no good closer for this, so I'll leave you with Crispin Glover. Have a nice day.

An open letter to President Obama

It felt good to say that--"President Obama". I felt compelled to write this letter to our new president.

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Dear President Obama,

I write to you today in a spirit of great hope for the future. You have made it clear that we are faced with many grave and daunting tasks, and you have promised to begin work immediately. I applaud you for your determination and your honesty in facing the difficult times ahead, and the forthright way in which you call upon we, the people, to pitch in and work together.

There are many pressing issues. You will be called upon immediately to take steps to right the economy. There are millions of Americans lacking health care. Our brave military is still engaged in Iraq and Afghanistan. And you're still going to have to do a lot of damage control after the whole Rick Warren thing. Yes, you are.

Truly, there are dozens of issues requiring your immediate action and attention. You said today

"We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness."

Your phrase "childish things" struck a chord in me, and in that spirit, as a proud and vigilant American voter, I have only one request of your administration.

Please do something about the clowns. Specifically, the abstinence-only clowns.

I recently learned that the outgoing administration has spent nearly $1.5 billion on abstinence-only sex education. That money has been doled out to a variety of organizations like Elizabeth's New Life Center, which got a grant for $800,000. And that money helped pay the salary of a clown named Derek Dye, proud graduate of Barnum & Bailey Clown College, so that Derek could toss out bon mots to middle schoolers, like "Sex before marriage will destroy all of your life’s dreams!” while wearing a bad sweater vest and juggling bowling pins. Derek is pictured here:

And you can see a video of his mad juggling skillz here:



My bride, reading this over my shoulder and seeing the video of Mr. Dye, piped up. She said, and I quote, "I'd take abstinence-only education a lot more seriously if anyone who looked like they had even a remote chance of getting f*cked was promoting it." Mr. President, I've learned to trust her judgment on things like this.

So there you have it, Mr. President. Do our nation proud, and stop the madness. We're only one executive order away from an abstinence-only clown-free America.

God bless you, and God bless the United States of America.


*Thanks to Splotchy for the heads-up.

Looking back to look ahead: Threat assessment 2009

Sometimes the work just becomes too much. Sorting through dozens of Google news alerts on an hourly basis, scanning the RSS feeds of various news outlets in Florida, working my network of informants...you get the idea. I end up with more source material than time to share it with you.

Consider this post a new year grab bag of menace and freakery, a loose collection of items that caught my attention but that didn't make their way onto these pages. Until now. Or maybe it's more of a big, greasy buffet--feel free to take your time, leave for a while, and come back later for more. Take some time and follow a few of the links. There's a lot here, and you probably won't feel too good if you consume it all at once.

If the brave new science of narcozoology tells us anything, it's that anecdotal evidence is usually the best evidence. This allows yours truly to boldly identify future trends and threats based on the vast sweep of my prior research.

Here we go...

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We begin in Florida. In addition to being afflicted by alligator attacks, plagues of walking fish, pythons and insect infestation, Florida is now a hot zone for two emerging crime patterns:

1) Hammer vs edged weapon duels: The first incident was reported here in October 2008, when an argument between two men escalated. One man grabbed a hammer and started swinging; his opponent grabbed a letter opener and stabbed away. The stabber came out on top.

Now, in a stunning development, a similar incident has been reported in Panama City Beach. This contest ended in a draw--James Allen Spray suffered head injuries at the hands of hammer-wielder Richard Charles Burger, but in turn inflicted knife wounds on the stomach of Mr. Burger.

2) Food as weapon: While arguments over food frequently result in domestic battery in sun-baked, crack addled Florida, there have been several recent incidents in which food is not the subject of the fight, but rather the weapon used to win it. Three such incidents were reported within a two-week period between November 18 and December 3, 2008:

Meet 19 year old Emmanuel Rodriguez.



Mr. Rodriguez got in an argument with his baby mama after she picked Mr. Rodriguez up at his mom's house. Baby mama was driving, and their 7 month old child was asleep in the back seat. The couple argued, and Mr. Rodriguez hit baby mama in the face with a sandwich, knocking her glasses off and almost causing her to crash the car. Mr. Rodriguez told police he threw the sandwich at her because he didn't want to hit her.

Happy Thanksgiving, bitch!

46 year old Christopher Ford of Hobe Sound, Florida, was not making a political statement with his pie throwing.

On Thanksgiving day Mr. Ford was unhappy with the food that had been prepared by his live-in girlfriend of seven years. In order to express his displeasure he picked up a delicious, but piping hot, sweet potato pie and threw it in the victim's face, burning her. He ran off when her teenage children came out of their rooms to investigate and was arrested later.



Victor Gonzalez, 22, of Vero Beach, repeatedly smashed a McDonald's cheeseburger into his girlfriend's face during an argument.

**Note: There was an apparently unrelated incident in Ypsilanti, Michigan, in June 2008. In that case 40 year old Frederick McKaney stabbed his mother when she wouldn't give him money. He rode away on his bicycle and

"A short time later, he encountered two other women talking on the sidewalk on Woodbridge Street. The woman said he said something nasty to them and hit one of them over the head with 10 pounds of frozen chicken."

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Some citizens in Florida are turning to cougar ownership (the four-legged kind) as a crime deterrent. A 70 pound pet cougar named "Chaos" mauled a 16 year old girl when her male companion burglarized the house the where the cougar lived, and brought a girlfriend inside to show off the cat.

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I'm thinking of giving an annual "PREPARED AMERICAN" award to honor people who best exemplify that plucky can-do American survivalist spirit. A couple years back a veteran named Dale Rippy was attacked by a wild bobcat. Enduring the animal's biting and clawing, he managed to grab the beast by its throat and choke it to death. Now joining Mr. Rippy in the SRC Hall of Prepared American Heroes is Arizona hiker Michelle Felicetta.

Ms. Felicetta was hiking near Prescott when she was confronted in the trail by a fox. When she saw the blood lust in the creature's eyes she tried to back away, but the fox attacked. It attacked her foot, and then sank its fangs into her arm. Did Ms. Felicetta panic? HELL NO SHE DIDN'T! She grabbed the fox in a chokehold and ran a mile back to her car, with the fox hanging from her arm by its fangs. She pried the fox loose, wrapped it in a sweatshirt and trapped it in the trunk of her car so she could get it tested for rabies. The fox was rabid, by the way.

The Arizona incident was merely one in a brutal series of rabid fox attacks sweeping the nation. 66 year old Margaret Burhenn of Spottsylvania, Virginia, was ambushed in her own back yard and nearly chewed to pieces by a marauding rabid fox. An intrepid neighbor killed the beast with a shovel. Authorities reported that this was the third such incident in that region between January and May.

It goes without saying that nature hates us. While animals (except for alligators and certain exotic pets, of course) do not require the same high level of vigilance as, say, clowns or furries, they still bear watching. The following incidents might be seen by some as proof that the end times draw nearer.

In April 2008 over 70 Mexican police were hospitalized after a swarm of Africanized killer bees attacked their firearms range. Authorities suspect that Mexico's violent drug lords might have been behind the attack, raising the specter of killer Africanized narco-bees.

A group of Russian geologists was besieged by a platoon of over 30 hungry bears.

Mountain lions attempted to take advantage of the chaos caused by the fox attacks, and launched deadly missions of their own. The attempted cougar invasion of Chicago in April was well-publicized. The 150 pound scout cougar infiltrated the north side of Chicago after working its way south through the north suburbs. It died in a hail of police gunfire before it could inflict any human casualties. Less well-publicized was the stealthy attack launched by a ninja panther against a rural home in Newton County, Missouri. That effort also ended badly for the panther:

Panther Shot, Killed After Attacking Home

And now, back to Florida.

In addition to everything else, Florida now has a monkey problem as well. Troops of feral monkeys are rampaging through Polk County, Florida. There are two great quotes in this story:

"People don't know what they are," said Wehrmann, a St. Petersburg veterinarian. "People think they are squirrels."

"You don't think about monkeys in this part of Florida," said Clark, a retired agriculture teacher from Plant City High School.

Ok...first, your average Floridian can't tell the difference between a squirrel and a monkey. Second, monkeys in "this" part of Florida might be unusual? As opposed to all the other parts of Florida, where presumably they're just scampering around just as common as...uh...squirrels?

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I am currently exploring the nexus between Walmart and attacks by venomous insects and reptiles. I'm not sure what the connection is yet, but as soon as I have a working theory I'll let you know.

In March, a 44 year old man in Marana, Arizona, was bitten on the arm by a Western Diamondback Rattlesnake while attempting to purchase some lava rocks from his local Walmart.

In May, a 12 year old West Virginia girl was stung by a scorpion while picking out a juicy seedless watermelon at her local Walmart.

In July, a Pembroke Pines man (Florida again!) was bitten by a pygmy rattlesnake while buying plants from the Walmart garden center.

Walmart should have known they had a problem as far back as July 2006, when a wheelchair-bound man was bitten by a pygmy rattlesnake at the Sanford, Florida Walmart. I cannot believe that their failure to deal with their venomous insect and reptile problem has not resulted in a class-action lawsuit.

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This should not surprise any regular reader of this blog, but naked people continued to be one of the most serious threats of 2008. I expect this trend to continue, unabated, in 2009.

Legless, naked and drunk is no way to drive a car. Just ask John E. Carlon, who was arrested in Youngstown, Ohio in August after crashing into a couple of cars, while driving drunk and naked from the waist down. Perhaps he wasn't wearing pants because he doesn't have any legs. The report does not say.

Meet Holly Kay Highfield:



This picture was taken while Ms. Highfield was in the custody of the Jacksonville Sheriff's Office. While driving an SUV with three kids in it, she deliberately rammed a bicyclist. She then got into another car that had stopped to help the bicyclist, and smashed into her own car. At some point a 14 year old boyscout rescued the kids who were in Ms. Highfield's auto. Ms. Highfield then smashed the carjacked car into a fence, got out, and ran around in circles disrobing until she was naked. She fought with several officers, and remarkably enough did not get tasered.

Alcohol was involved.

This guy gives Bubs a bad name:

Mr. Bub Bamford, of Anderson, California, crashed his car on "Balls Ferry Road". He abandoned his car, and his injured passenger, and took off running. Bub was found by police hiding in a rosebush. Naked. Drunk.

An unknown man in Santa Ana, California, crashed his van into another car and drove away. When the police caught up with him he almost backed into the patrol car, and then refused to show his hands or exit the vehicle. After he was tasered, the cops discovered he was also naked.

Japanese police are, evidently, less likely to taser the naked. A bald white tourist threw rocks and charged police with a large stick before jumping into the moat in front of the Imperial Palace. Click here for the story and video hilarity.



This is a "wizzer" saw. Firefighters in Newburgh, New York, were called to a local hospital, and used one of these to cut a length of steel pipe off of an unknown 73-year old man's penis. In an example of wonderful emergency services understatement, "Authorities said the pipe was apparently an erotic aid, but did not elaborate".

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I've always thought of Australians as being a lot like American rednecks, but with a different accent. They certainly hold their own in the naked/drunk/reckless category compared to their American cousins:

An unknown Australian was arrested after repeatedly exposing himself, and firing a nail gun at passing motor vehicles.

Here is a new favorite headline, courtesy of The Daily Telegraph:

Driver abuses speed limit, and himself, court told

In brief: 39 year old Brendon Alan Erhardt, father of three, was stopped for driving 93 miles per hour. He was masturbating and video recording himself as he did so. In his car he had 5 kilograms of weed, two cannabis plants, some drug pipes and a loaded .22 rifle that he claimed he was using to shoot at passing kangaroos. He claimed to have found the weed at a rest stop, and said he was going to smoke it all himself. No self-taping high speed jerkoff artist would want anyone to think he's a common dope dealer.

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Christmas season in Florida:

Roy Ronald Rowell, Jr. of Destin was arrested after exposing himself to a family as they walked their dog on Christmas day. Roy used the old "hole cut out of the crotch of the running pants" technique, and got the victims' attention by saying "nice dog." Roy also exposed himself to the cop who arrived to arrest him.

43 year old Roderick Woodruff, transient, got his drink on at the beach in Siesta Key, and decided to expose himself to several women and children in the area. When police arrived he stripped totally naked, said that he didn't have to do what the police told him to since it was a public beach, and then threatened to kill the deputy. Here's his booking photo from the Sarasota County Sheriff's Office. Does this look like a drunk weenie-waver to you?

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Carrying the crazy into the new year is Provo, Utah resident Heather Lynn Best:



Heather went on a "nude rampage" involving broken dishes and furniture, an exotic bird, the neighbors and a fight with the cops. Methamphetamine.

Heather is now the second naked, rampaging woman from Utah to be featured here. In July, Rachel Joann Hanson was mentioned as part of Weenie Waver Wednesday!

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Then there's just the creepy. Not weenie wavers, drunks, or dope fiends or any combination of that. These are the people compelled by forces they don't comprehend, doing whatever the demons rattling around in their heads tell them to do.

People like:

Columbus, Ohio resident Alan D. Patton. Urine collector.

Ben Hawkins, 44, of Cincinnati. Underwear researcher.

Dmitriy Sklyarov, self-professed white supremacist, who left 13 bitemarks on a 9 year old child left in his care, and called a local high school to announce that he had placed black magic spells that would cause death for their teachers.

Stamford, Connecticut janitor Felicito Gonzalez, cheapskate and voyeur, who positioned a cell phone in a basket of toilet paper to take pictures of women in a train station restroom.



Hilariously-named Wesley Cox, 44, of Boulder, Colorado, freak and voyeur. Cox was caught trying to videotape his neighbors through their window. A subsequent search warrant discovered "a myriad of underwear and other items of clothing, including Boulder High School cheerleading outfits."

Make-believe dentist Carlos Flores of Peekskill, New York, who got arrested for running a fake dental practice and possession of controlled substances, while using tools like this to work on his "patients":

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I'm not going to go into the clown stuff now. Y'all have put up with enough of that in the past couple of days, and I don't want to lose readers. Alligators will get their own post in the near future.

Let's all take a deep breath, draw our shoulders back and greet the coming year with hope, fortitude and CONSTANT VIGILANCE.

Why, I'll tell you who that clown is...

That clown you see up there?

That's none other than Sabrina Duncan, one of Charlie's Angels. She's known in real life as Kate Jackson:



Sabrina went undercover as a clown in episode # 54, Angels Ahoy.

Hats off to Cormac Brown for seeing behind the greasepaint and recognizing Ms. Jackson. An honorable mention goes out to Megan for remembering the episode where the Angels went undercover as clowns. There were actually two clown episodes.

The other episode that featured a clown Angel was episode # 24, Angels on Ice. In that episode Kris (Cheryl Ladd) goes undercover as a skate clown:

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Now, in a spirit of public service, I'd like to offer a brief guide to clown identification:

SPRAWLING RAMSHACKLE COMPOUND PRESENTS
KNOW YOUR CLOWNS

John Wayne Gacy, the original "killer clown".

Homey D. Clown (Damon Wayans)

Krusty the Clown, alongside Homie the Clown

Bozo the Clown

Jerry Lewis (from his never-released movie The Day the Clown Cried, about a clown who gets sent to a concentration camp in Nazi Germany).

Carrot Top

Red Buttons

Red Skelton

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There. Now you know. If you'd like to learn more about contemporary predator clowns, just click on this link and scroll back through some of my older posts.

Happy trails.

Weenie Waver Wednesday!

I had an interesting report cross my desk yesterday. One of our local nursing homes reported that an unknown male subject, apparently dressed as a woman in a wig and tights, came in the main entrance while the door was propped open at shift change.

The unknown cross-dresser roamed around, was challenged once or twice in different areas of the facility by employees asking what he was doing there, and eventually left the building after somehow shedding his wig. No thefts were reported, and no one knows what he was doing there. The incident occurred around 10:30 pm. It's possible that he wandered in from the nearby forest preserve and wanted to change clothes before returning home to his family, but as of right now we don't know. Something about this report bothered me, but I couldn't figure out what it was.

Was it the random and unexplained nature of the incident? Was I disturbed by the idea of an anonymous cross-dresser emerging from the forest preserve late at night to roam the halls of a nursing home? Was it the mystery of the disappearing wig?

What it was, was that the combination of forest preserve, cross-dressing and inexplicable behavior reminded me that it's been months since I did a Weenie Waver Wednesday!

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First up, meet 55 year old Hoosier Larry Wayne Williamson. Police were called to investigate a man "masturbating in a public park", but once they arrived they found so much more.



They found Mr. Willaimson "sitting on a picnic table naked, masturbating, with a metal rod protruding from his penis." But wait, that's not all:

A search of Williamson's vehicle, located in the park, uncovered sex toys, binoculars, a small dog, cotton candy, candy, male enhancement pills, energy pills and supplements, marijuana, drug paraphernalia and "a variety of other suspicious and unusual items," according to a Vanderburgh County Sheriff's Department news release.

There was no word on the diameter or length of the metal rod, or its special role in Mr. Williamson's fantasy life.

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Moving north from Indiana to Michigan, we find the case of Swan Creek Township resident Jason Savage.

Mr. Savage, apparently an early riser, was discovered by a police officer at a local car wash at 6:45 am. The officer had been dispatched to investigate a suspicious person. When the officer arrived, he saw Savage in one of the wash bays and heard a vacuum running. As the officer approached he found Savage engaged in an act of copulation with the business end of the vacuum.

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In news from the west, 32 year old Tyson Degenhart of Minden, Nevada, was arrested after exposing himself to a 17 year old girl. Degenhart was nude at the time, and riding a dirt bike. Not content with simply waving his wand at the victim, Mr. Degenhart also led police on a chase, on his dirt bike, naked, until he crashed.

Alcohol was involved. Degenhart's blood alcohol content was more than three times the legal limit. It should be noted that Degenhart was listed as a resident of "Johnson Lane".

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On a reassuring note, it looks like recent reports of predatory clown sightings in Chicago might be nothing more than the most recent incarnation of an urban myth.

A recent post at Second City Cop addresses the issue, and there are some entertaining comments. I especially liked this one:

F*cking clowns. You know, back when coyotes were a problem, the various states and counties paid a bounty for each pelt you brought it.

Tell me why that wouldn't work on clowns.

Urban myth or no, constant vigilance remains the best policy.

Back to work, you

Your coworkers are depending on you.

**NOTE: This does not apply to Canadians or the unemployed. If you are Canadian, please accept our warmest wishes for a happy Thanksgiving! If you are unemployed, then hopefully the only clowns you'll be facing today will be on daytime television, and not in your office.

Never forget

Never forget that the clowns are out there, that is.

Because they are.

Well...that's it for now I guess.

It's been swell.

Right now my head is spinning. This week marked the beginning of my return to school. The combination of overtime, my poor attention span and my failure to pick up my new reading glasses has made it a real challenge. The subject--"Research methods in management science" didn't help any. But I persevered, and completed what I needed to do. Only 7 weeks to go.

Yesterday MizBubs and I spent the day at Angelic Organics farm attending a workshop entitled "Farm Dreams: Addressing risks and resources to start a small farm or market garden". The picture of the lovely goat who graced yesterday's post was taken at that event.

Angelic Organics is one of the largest (if not the largest) CSA in the United States. Each week they pack about 1,400 boxes of fresh produce destined for their shareholders. The proprietor of the farm is the subject of an interesting little documentary titled The Real Dirt on Farmer John.

MizBubs and I know that what we want to do is to check out of where we're at, and head for someplace a little greener and more pastoral. We are officially on the 2-4 year plan for that. Anyway, we attended this workshop, got a nice tour of the farm, and reinforced our notions of what we want to do--which is to be out in the country playing in the dirt.

In the meantime, what do we do? We have a daughter who starts her junior year of high school in two weeks, and another who's half way through college. I have 7 months until I become eligible for my sweet police pension, but I have 4 years until I can begin to collect it. I have thrown myself into graduate school to attempt a master's degree in management, so I can successfully whore myself out to corporate America if necessary. No, wait, that sounds ugly. I'm doing the graduate school thing because I want to have more employment options when I pull the plug on my career in the next few years. I have a book I want to write that is for now a growing collection of articles and unread books and clever phrases banging around in my head that I can't put to paper. MizBubs is busy learning more about sustainable farming and is looking at going back to college as well.

Work continues to consume and amuse. I put in nearly 20 hours of overtime in the last week as a result of a flareup in gang activity and a robbery that landed an 85 year old woman in the hospital. I did hear one of the best lines I've heard in a while, from a loud, angry drunk who felt he'd been disrespected by the scrawny Polish-speaking bartender at a banquet hall:

"Yeah some time ah gotta indication ah oughtta knock a motherfuckah OUT."

As I heard this I was standing about 15 feet away, talking to a dapper gentleman in a creamy 4 button suit and bright blue shoes, trying to figure out what happened before the indication man's meltdown.

Yes indeed. Some times I get a indication too. Right now I'm getting a indication that something has to give, and for now it's going to be blogging. At least for a few weeks, until I get my head screwed on straight. Heck, knowing how I like to blab, it'll probably only be for 4 or 5 days. Who knows.

I haven't been commenting on other blogs. I'm lucky when I even get to read them. The fact is, I'd rather be a-bloggin' than reading about quantitative research methods, but this isn't going to bring me any closer to a master's degree. The main thing is, we are developing a plan, and right now I can't afford to be doing anything that doesn't help put me closer to where I want to be.

You know I like visiting y'all, and reading what you have to say, and following all your kooky links. And I like posting, and making y'all uncomfortable with freaks and clowns, and lord knows I'll never forgive myself if a single person falls victim to crack cocaine-fueled alligator attack because I didn't do my job.

All that being said, for now I'm taking a powder folks.

But first I'll give you a Sunday afternoon cocktail, and some tasty food images to chew on while I'm away:

The bee-stung julep

8 mint leaves
1/2 oz organic honey
2 oz Wild Turkey 101 bourbon

Muddle the honey and mint leaves together (use less honey than you would bar syrup in a traditional julep) in the bottom of a tall glass

Add bourbon, mix some more

Fill with ice (preferably crushed, but we were too lazy to do that yesterday)

Top with a splash of water if desired, and garnish with a sprig of fresh mint

Dinner on Sunday was lovely. The lovely and gracious MizBubs really outdid herself in the bounty-of-the-earth department. We picked up some tomatoes at the farm, and our own tomato harvest has started. Our own produce stacked up very nicely, thank you.

MizBubs sliced some tomatoes and fresh mozzarella and herbs



Then she made a chilled green bean and chickpea salad, again with the herbs from our garden. It was redolent of lemon thyme, and garnished with nasturtium flowers, as were the tomatoes

I cooked pork. Pork tenderloin crusted in creole mustard and panko, and some roasted sweet potatoes. The overall effect on the plate, and on the palate, was pleasing



See you later, alligators. I'll be around.

She-clown ripoff!

When they're not smuggling dope into jail, or sneaking up behind vacationing narcozoologists, what do she-clowns do?

They gain the trust of elderly widows and empty their bank accounts.

Carrie L. Williams-Thompson, 48, of Prescott, Arizona, entertained as "Kooki the Clown." She also worked as a bereavement counselor (?!?) and is believed to have met the victim in that capacity. Kooki got herself a power of attorney and cleaned about a half million in clown cash out of the victim's bank accounts.

Police caught up with her in California, where she was performing at a fair. I can only hope she was in costume when she got pinched. Kooki is now awaiting extradition to Arizona.

Strangest of all, considering that this is a clown case, is that no drugs or perversion were involved. As far as we know.

Clown vs. Cop

This just in:

A Bessemer, Alabama motorcycle cop was injured when he was struck by a minivan. The minivan was occupied by two clowns. I did not make this up.

Further investigation is pending.

_____________________

Speaking of clowning and law enforcement, I wanted to tell you about an unsettling incident that happened on our recent vacation.

MizBubs' motor had finally run down and she retired to the hotel for the night. I scooted around the corner to Molly's on Decatur Street, my new favorite dive bar in the world (yes, even surpassing the Double Down Saloon in fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada.)

I was sitting at the bar, talking with Robert, my bartender, about a fellow MizBubs and I had met there the night before.

The fellow said his name was Jackie Jones. I thought he looked familiar, like someone I'd arrested, or maybe given a ride to the bus station, but that wasn't it. MizBubs thought he looked like a thinner, more sunbaked and dissipated Tommy Lee Jones. He looked like he spent a lot of time out in the sun, but not doing anything sporty. At first he looked kind of like a street person, except his clothes, although older, were clean, and he was drinking Corona beer and smoking American Spirit cigarettes.

Within the course of a few minutes, Mr. Jones told us that:

He lives in the swamp.

He owns 13,000 acres in the swamp. Tammany Parish. (When I nodded and said, oh, on the north shore, right, he gave me a blank look.)

He's lived in the French Quarter since 1977.

He owns 7 buildings in the French Quarter.

He owns a home that's built in 1840.

Everyone in the French Quarter knows him.

Brad Pitt is his neighbor. Brad Pitt doesn't pay his bills though.

He knows a lot of movie stars, they don't impress him.

He's friends with Dustin Hoffman. He thinks celebrities like him because he treats them just like anybody else.

Nick...Nicholas Cage lives by him.

He joined the military when he was 13 years old.

When he was 17 he joined the navy.

He spent 5 years on a nuclear submarine.

He's rich.

He's worth 787 million dollars.

He can't read or write, but he's rich.

His mother is on the supreme court of the state of Louisiana. But he can't hardly read or write.

But he can make money.

These themes were repeated several times, in varying sequence. The two female bartenders treated him with amused affection, giving the occasional hug as they went by. He turned and got the attention of the little blonde bartender.

Jones: These people think I'm crazy.

Bartender (smiling): You are.

We left a little while after that.

So, I was talking to Robert the bartender the next night, and I asked him about this guy. "Oh, you met Jackie Jones, huh? He tell you his story?" I answered that I got part of it, but I'm not sure if I got the best part. I was intrigued as to how much might be true. Robert's reply?

"Never let the truth stand in the way of a good story."

Not long after that the place filled up, and I had a couple nice conversations with people coming and going from the bar. Then a balloon popped, and I heard a commotion behind me.

The advantage of sitting at an old bar is that, as you sit facing the big mirror running behind the bar, you can see what's going on behind you without too much effort. And what I saw almost knocked me off my barstool.

It was a clown. A she-clown. With balloons. A balloon clown was there in my bar, on my vacation. I was able to snap this picture, surreptitiously, with my cell phone. You can see her there over my right shoulder:



I looked up at Robert. "I didn't know this was a clown bar, man. That gives me the creeps."

"Normally it's not. Don't worry though, I gotcha". Robert then did the coolest thing anyone has ever done for me: he gave the classic point, then point with two fingers at your own eyes, then point back gesture to indicate that he wouldn't let anyone sneak up behind me. I was covered.

My theory is that some of the local clowning community, being familiar with my research and my reputation, got wind of my visit and sent in the she-clown to keep tabs on me. She must have gotten the fisheye from Robert, because she left shortly after that.

I made it back to the hotel safely. The work continues.

Thank you, and God bless you all!

Well, this is a difficult post to write. I'm so full of love for all of you right now, bursting with it, and have so many things that I want to say...but I'll just try and make this brief.

5 years, 11 months, and 25 days ago I started a blog to have some fun, reach out to people and entertain myself. Along the way I landed a blogging gig with ChicagoNow, and even got on the radio a few times. It's been a blast, and I can't thank you guys enough for reading, commenting and re-tweeting over the years..

Lately, though, I've felt something missing in my life. I began to realize that too much of my time and energy were being spent in what was, in effect, a rather shallow series of clown jokes, stories about weenie-wavers, and self-satisfied crowing about how much I ate and drank. I've also become less satisfied with my career as a law enforcement officer. For some time now I've spent hours thinking about how I could better live a life of service, compared to the well-paid and complacent civil servant's life I now lead.

I have wrestled with both demons and Lincoln's "better angels" of my nature. And I have made a decision. A trip down south affected me in a profound, and I hope lasting, way.

This is my last blog post.

I have taken a leave of absence from my job, pending my retirement. I have purchased a used Dodge minivan and converted it to a makeshift camper. I had hoped to buy a mobile home in which to travel the shining gospel way, but it didn't work out.

On Monday I will be driving south to New Orleans where I will be joining a recently-formed street ministry, the Good News Living Statue Ministry. I ran into some of these folks during a trip to New Orleans, as several of them acted out the Stations of the Cross around Jackson Square. As I stumbled out of a nearby daiquiri stand and crashed into one of the soldiers scourging the Christ, I felt a profound sense of disorientation and longing, and knew I'd been truly touched.

The GNLSM ministers mostly to gutter punks, street performers and tourists in the French Quarter. They do so mainly by acting out various Gospel passages while spray-painted gold or silver, in the manner of many New Orleans street performers. I was moved by the depth and intensity of their devotion to the Gospel, as well as to the art of living statue performance. They are truly Godly people, and other than a brief (but ugly) confrontation with a group of traveling Clowns for Christ, I have found them to be beyond reproach. I have signed on to act as a fry cook and go-fer for the troupe until I "learn the ropes" as a living statue and New Testament reenactor.

My beautiful wife and children, while not fully comprehending my decision, are nevertheless pretty much supportive of it. They will remain here performing earthly duties such as bill payment and home maintenance while I carry out God's work down south. They are my rock.

Please pray for me, as I will for all of you. God bless you all!

Let's face facts

It may be Friday, but that doesn't necessarily mean there's been any progress. It's still clowns, as far as I can see.

Next time you see me, buy me a drink and ask me to tell you the story about the political crony, the crack whores, the gun and the dildos. It's a pip.

Law Enforcement Quote of the Week

"Skates the Clown will not be skating around any federal laws. His show is now concluded."

-FBI spokesman Seann Quinn

It should come as no surprise to any thinking person that another clown has broken bad on us. In this case, Walter Homan of Beachwood, New Jersey, was arrested by the FBI and charged in US court. Homan had been arrested on state charges in 2006:

'Skates the Clown' Faces Child Porn Charges

Thank you, Google News Alerts.

Always remember friends--with clowns, as with alligators, the best policy is constant vigilance!

Midweek Freak Extravaganza

I've got a little time on my hands. I'm in the middle of three days off, I've run my errands, done some of the housecleaning I'd planned on, and I've decided it's a good time to take a break from preparing my documents for next week's visit to the tax lady. I looked back through my saved Google and Reuters email alerts, and my "ideas for blog posts" bookmarks, and realized I've got a backlog. While I like to do a quasi-regular Weenie-Waver Wednesday, it just seemed like this week's collection of sex offenders were more horrible and sad than entertaining. I included the clown because, well, he's a clown. But other than that, no weenie-wavers.

So consider this post kind of a review, a freak follies if you will--a little of this, a little of that, and the year's first Germany or Florida at the end.

Before I get started, a quick update on a former Freak of the Week: Mr. Garth Flaherty. Back in March, 2007, Garth was arrested for a series of panty thefts; police found 93 pounds of women's underwear in his home. In an example of why freaks like Garth are frequently found on this blog and not in an institution, Flaherty was sentenced to only 45 days in jail, of which 30 can be served as community service. So, after all those thefts, all those burglaries, all that damnable...creepiness, here he is: back in circulation with the rest of us.

_____________________

Part One: Women Behaving Badly

An unknown woman in Murfreesboro, Tennessee, popped her top so to speak: she removed her blouse and slapped a police officer after being asked to quiet down. Alcohol was involved.

An unknown Palo Alto woman created a disturbance at a local Whole Foods by screaming, stripping herself naked, and throwing her underwear before sitting down on the floor. Details were sketchy as to whether any passersby were struck by her unmentionables.
Nicole Josephson of Des Moines, Iowa, was arrested following a domestic disturbance at her home. Ms. Josephson argued with her boyfriend, Michael Hickman. That argument resulted in Ms. Josephson taking Mr. Hickman's pizza out of the oven and dumping it in the sink. Mr. Hickman took Ms. Josephson's hardboiled eggs off the stove and dumped them into the sink. Ms. Josephson stabbed Mr. Hickman with some scissors. Mr. Hickman retreated to the neighborhood tavern, where a caring bartender dressed Mr. Hickman's wounds.

41-year old Donna Sturkie-Anthony, of North Huntingdon, PA, was arrested after beating her 43-year old sister with the sister's prosthetic leg. The report does not indicate whether or not the offender yanked the fake leg off of the victim's body prior to beating her with it. It may surprise you to discover that this incident occurred in a trailer park.

Noted British testicle ripper Amanda Monti was sentenced to prison. The report does not say for how long, but it does contain this wonderful statement from Ms. Monti:

"It was never my intention to cause harm to Geoff and the fact that I have caused him injury will live with me forever. I am in no way a violent person."

According to this article in the Australian Courier Mail, and this story from The Sun, Ms. Monti became enraged that the victim did not want to have sex with her. She grabbed his sack, ripped away, and then tried swallowing his testicle. When she gagged and spit out the loose ball, an alert friend of the victim grabbed it and handed it back to the victim, saying "that's yours."

_____________________

Part Two: Australian and British Journalism

The Courier Mail "Weird Stuff" section has been a great source lately. In addition to the ball-ripping yarn offered above (which, I forgot to mention, also featured a gallery titled world's notorious penis-slashers and victims) I also found these stories:

Transplant eyeball sent to pub

Man dies in crocodile orgy (now you know that caught my attention!)

And, finally, I learned about a sad little Japanese man named Takahiro Fujinuma, "37, single and unemployed" who was arrested after calling directory assistance more than 10,000 times. Why did he do this?

Because he liked to be scolded by the operators: "I would go into ecstasy when a lady scolded me".

I think that I may seriously have to reconsider the entire Germany or Florida paradigm. It might be much more appropriate to do "Britain or Australia".

_____________________

Part Three: Send in the Clowns

Ugh. Michael Fernsler of Franklin County, PA, known as Chuckles the Clown, was sentenced to 26-52 years in prison for sexually assaulting children. Michael Fernsler was also known as Officer Fernsler, and was a foster parent as well. He performed at police and fire functions, and at a local church.

What the fuck? I thought that the combination of clown/cop/religious figure would not be seen more than once. I feel bad for the guys who worked with this clown; all the cops I know are as creeped out by clowns as I am, and I can't imagine they enjoyed working next to this freak.

_____________________

Part Four: Germany or Florida

Ok, you guys know the rules: guess the origin of the story, list your answers in the comments, and I'll name the winners in a day or two.

1. A sold cellular phone reveals video of a woman beating her child, leading to her arrest.
2. Neighbors complain about the scantily-clad model on the sign for a "gentlemans club" in their neighborhood.
3. A business owner fires three non-smoking employees for asking for a smoke-free environment.
4. A yuletide prankster torments his victim by placing Christmas trees in front of his house.
5. A man attempting to throw his old Christmas tree out of his apartment window falls three stories and suffers severe head injuries.
6. A travel agency offers a clothing-optional charter flight for customers heading to a beachside nudist resort.
7. A man sets his apartment on fire when he mistakes a bottle of gasoline for a bottle of booze, takes a big gulp and then spits it out. While smoking.
8. A hitman makes four unsuccessful attempts on an elderly couple.
9. A couple were fired from their jobs when their employer found out that, instead of attending a seminar, they went to an S&M dungeon on the company's dime.