Sunday, December 31, 2006

Happy New Year!


Normally this is the time for looking back over the past year, reflecting on one's struggles and successes, and casting a hopeful glance forward, into the future.

You'll find none of that here.

No, all you'll get is a picture of my sister-in-law Kate's hand, holding aloft our last drink creation of 2006:

The Don Ho Motherf*cker.

The DHMF is kind of a high-octane Blue Hawaii topped with champagne (tiny bubbles, of course) and served in a festive Don Ho tiki mug. We've worked on this recipe for several months, and I'm still not satisfied; fortunately this is the prototype, and there's always room to improve. In the short time since I've served these, while we wait for the oven to preheat, I have discovered that there needs to be a one-drink limit on the DHMF.

Here's hoping y'all have a good night tonight and a good tomorrow. If 2006 beat the sh*t out of you, I hope 2007 treats you better. If 2006 was good, I hope you build on your successes.

Bottoms up!

Friday, December 29, 2006

The Addams Family VS The Munsters


Hannah, one of my brilliant daughters, made an interesting observation today.

In our middle class suburb, we are considered a bit "different". Not in the "here come the cops again" way, but in the "my, what an interesting collection of dancing skeletons" and "you like your kids music?" kind of way. Beyond these superficial oddities, however, we are the traditional, two parent, two kid, two dog "Leave it to Beaver" type family.

Hannah has noticed that the "normal" families, who outwardly appear like the 21st century suburban norm, are frequently dysfunctional nightmares. This is not news to most of us, of course, but I want to share Hannah's analogy between the Addams Family, The Munsters, and real life.

The Munsters expend most of their energy trying to understand and replicate what they perceive to be "normal" behavior. Lily wants nothing more than to have tea with ladies in pillbox hats. Herman wants to be "one of the boys" down at the funeral parlor. Eventually all this social striving simply leads to family strife.

The Addams family, on the other hand, pays no attention to the outside world. They are friendly, but ultimately dismissive of those who dissaprove or can't understand thier values and preferences. The children play well together, happily blowing things up with their favorite uncle. Morticia and Gomez are not only happily married, but still in love.

Our girls have always said that Bubs and I are like Morticia and Gomez, but the similarities thankfully go beyond our breaking into dance at odd moments. After years of self-doubt, we have come to embrace our particular style of parenting and living. Our children are interesting and charming, Bubs and I are still in love, and the rocky road of life is our rollercoaster, not Death Race 2000.

Here's to 2007, and may we all find our internal Addams Family!

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Tomorrow Begins Today

That's the slogan that the John Edwards campaign is putting out as he announces his candidacy.

I was in New Orleans twice since Katrina; the first time just a few days after the levees broke, when I volunteered with other police officers, and then again this past March as part of the St Bernard Recovery Project, with Habitat for Humanity. (You can look at all the pictures here.)

I am impressed that John Edwards chose the 9th Ward to announce his candidacy. Right now he's the only candidate I've seen who seems to be speaking for the working person and the poor, and who seems willing to address the widening gap in our nation between the haves and have-nots. I hope he doesn't disappoint me.

Here's a preview of his campaign announcement that's on YouTube. You can visit his website here.



I'll get back to the usual sideshow shortly.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Reflections on Gerald Ford



The recent death of President Gerald Ford has given me cause for reflection, as I'm sure it has most Americans. Specifically, I started thinking about Lynette "Squeeky" Fromme. And then, shortly after, how much Squeeky Fromme, in some pictures, looked like Pee Wee Herman.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

50 Greatest Cartoons

OK, this is one of the coolest lists I've ever seen: 50 Greatest Cartoons. Who cares that they're all from North America? I know I don't. The list is based on a 1999 book, The 50 Greatest Cartoons: As Selected By 1,000 Animation Professionals. Anyway, the folks at CityRag found online video for all but 6 of the top 50.

Go ahead and click this here link and check out the list. Have fun!

Huh? Huh.


I almost wish I were at work. Christmas left me so happily dazed, distracted and exhausted that I can't really get much done today, and it seems like a waste of a day off. MizBubs had to return to work at the libary today, Hannah is curled up with her new copy of American Sideshow, and Nora is watching her new collector's edition DVD of Pulp Fiction. John Travolta is driving overdosed Uma Thurman to Eric Stoltz' house for a shot in the sternum. Good times.

Hope everyone had a good holiday. Here's to a pointless week of lowered productivity in anticipation of New Year's Eve!

Monday, December 25, 2006

Manliest Christmas ever...


The initial frenzy is over...the second pot of coffee is percolating, and I'm still pondering the great mystery of how teenage girls who normally have to be dragged out of bed at 11 in the morning can suddenly, and without an alarm, wake up before 6 am. Even the dogs were excited.

We all came downstairs and there it was--my manliest Christmas ever. There was a Bettie Page magnet set, and socks with flaming dice on them, and Bookers bourbon, and a new Leatherman tool and folding knife and all kinda good stuff. Whew. Sadly I can't hit the Christmas bourbon (a real treat with some strong, manly coffee at 7 in the morning, believe me) because it's time to get ready for work.

Merry Christmas

The S.R.C. helpful guide to last-minute shopping

Many people visit this website for useful, up-to-date information on important topics such as freaks, animal attacks and tasty drink recipes. Tonight I'm adding a new service: a comprehensive guide to last minute shopping. And by last minute, I mean, last minute. Shortly before midnight on Christmas Eve. Heck, even laster-minute than that. Thanks to the corporate slavedrivers at Walgreens, you can do your last minute shopping on Christmas day even, on your way to whatever family function it is you're going to. This sign says it all: Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting Yes, I know it's a little blurry. But that's just how it looks to your average Christmas Eve drunkard, roaming desperately through the northwest suburbs, chainsmoking and swearing to baby Jesus that next year he won't procrastinate like this.

I used to tell people I did all my Christmas shopping on December 23 and 24, at Walgreens. I don't know anyone whose heart isn't warmed by opening a hastily-wrapped gift to discover the newest Chia novelty or a tasty Whitman Sampler. But now Walgreens has so much more to offer. Here are a few ideas:

1) Check out the picture frame and photo album display Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting Grab a reasonably-priced frame and then wander over to the magazine section. Pick out a magazine with lots of nice pictures inside. Cut out the prettiest page and fit it into the frame. Everyone loves a beautiful piece of artwork!

2) Head for the toy aisle. The Walgreens closest to me added a second half of an aisle dedicated to inexpensive Chinese imports. They've got everything from toy soldiers to Floam to discontinued models of Barbie. Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

3) Buy an appliance! Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
You can get a staggering array of kitchen gadgets. Trust me, that special girl in your life will LOVE getting a brand new omlette maker! And she'll likely be even more impressed when she finds out you only paid $9.99 for it; chicks dig guys who are both thoughtful and thrifty.

Here are two useful tips for fitting in when you make your late night or early morning shopping run:

1) Smoke a lot of cigarettes right before you go inside. It seems like most of the people shopping at Walgreens after 10 pm on Christmas eve smell heavily of cigarette smoke. And maybe booze, but that might be aftershave. Or something.

2) Talk on a cell phone. Hitting the Walgreens can be a team effort. For every brave Joe prowling the aisles, there's a resilient, maybe even long-suffering, Jane at home whispering guidance into his ear.

Just don't try and buy any Club Man hair tonic for your brother. They're sold out.

Merry Christmas!

Saturday, December 23, 2006

My dog is pretty damn festive



This is Duffy, in his festive holiday antler headgear. He's excited about Santa coming. You can see him, if you look closely, staring out of the front window, just under the Christmas tree.

Holiday artwork


Courtesy of Photo Shop. You can find more examples here.

Blue Christmas

Sing it Elvis. We still miss you.

Friday, December 22, 2006

Christmas: BRING IT ON!


Yeah baby...

There is nothing planned for the next two days, all I gots to do now is wrap some presents and do some baking. Maybe a run to Binny's on Saturday morning, after Woodfield. I'm thinking of doing something goofy--like heading out to Woodfield for some aimless last-minute shopping. They open at 7 am tomorrow.

In the meantime, enjoy this little video set to one of my favorite Christmas tunes: "The Merriest." I'd lie and tell you this was taken from my family's old home movies, but no one in it is holding a drink or an Erik cigarette.

The YouTube user has disabled the embed feature, so to watch it you'll have to click this here link. It's worth the trip.

Pain pills + nudity=Chrismas fun!


This story comes from Dena, the Compound's south side bureau chief. I'll give you my favorite quote from the story:

...Brewer didn’t know who he was, where his clothes were or how he’d gotten to Damascus.

“I’m standing here with this naked man handcuffed and then here comes Santa Claus,” Richardson said. “I said, ‘Can it get any better than this?’ ”


I'm not sure that it can.

How many shopping days?


Three. Which is plenty of time to shop, but no time at all to send Christmas cards if you haven't already. So, let me take this opportunity to thank everyone who sent us a Christmas card this year. I love them all, and I appreciate the gesture. But I just can't get it together to send all those cards out. I'm just one of those assholes who can't even manage the common courtesy of a holiday greeting card. I'm sorry.


This is the third or fourth year that we really haven't sent out cards. Each year I make lists, and plans, to get them all out the first week after Thanksgiving. I even bought a roll of stamps at Costco. And then I sit down, and before I address even a single envelope, I am overwhelmed, paralyzed even, by the knowledge of how they'll all end up: displayed, briefly, on a door or shelf, and then into the trash. Since we don't use the Christmas card as a forum to send out a family newsletter, or charming pictures of our small children (now 14 and 17 and not so eager to dress in goofy seasonal costumes), it just seems pointless. So instead, I drink, which I'm doing now. And bake, and cook. I'm good at that stuff. And I'm a good host, and I love having guests, and I always bring a bottle of something good to a party, or a nice dish to a potluck. And I like giving presents. Just please, for the love of God, don't ask me to send cards. At that, I suck.

Anyway, here's what's on the hi-fi:

I Ran (So Far Away) – Flock of Seagulls

Watch Her Disappear – Tom Waits

Rawhide – Link Wray

Lagos Mambo – West African Rhythm Brothers

Charge It – Playboys

Kuk – The Trashmen

In the Name of Love – Thompson Twins

Hot Cha – They Might Be Giants

With Plenty of Money and You – Tony Bennett

Uranium Rock – Warren Smith

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Mmmmm...holiday sweets


I have just had a very, very tasty finish to my meal.

Last Friday I ordered some sweets from Uniquely Yours Pastry Shoppe. I had run across her blog Jintrinsique Unplugged a while ago, and saw a few people talk about her baked goods. Well, let me tell you, they are delicious.

We ordered some black pearl truffles, and some pecan tassies. When the package arrived today, Jin graciously included a lagniappe: a sample of two petits four, which MizBubs immediately declared, upon tasting, to be the best petits four she'd ever had. So there.

The pecan tassies were buttery, flaky little pecan pie tarts that just melt away on the palate. They are pleasantly lighter and less dense than I'd pictured them when I ordered. The black pearl truffles were exceptional--both daughters went silent, eyes wide, and made contented little mewing sounds upon eating them. The contrast between the toasted sesame seeds and dark chocolate shell, and the soft rich center, is really wonderful. It dances on the tongue.

Ahh, the sweets of Christmas. Only a few more days to go. I'm gonna fatten up reeeaal good.

2006: The Year In Review

I got this idea from my sister-in-law Kate, and I tweaked it a little. Here’s how it works:

You take the first couple of lines from the first and last post for each month. Feel free to edit stuff out, or add stuff that wasn’t there in the first place, to make for more entertaining reading. Run them all together chronologically and you have your year in review, all in a neat little package. Go ahead. Try it for yourself. Reduce all of the last 12 months to a few random lines of print.

So, without further ado, here’s my 100% accurate, mostly complete, totally concise

YEAR IN REVIEW

May: I'm finally going to follow my kids' examples and start a blog. What I hope to do is have a place where I can spout off to a potentially large audience (much larger, anyway, than family campouts, holiday meals and parties) and also to connect folks with widely varying interests and backgrounds.

Hah! Lance Armstrong is cleared of doping. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, France.

June: Robert Kosilek has been serving a life sentence in prison since 1990, after being convicted of strangling his wife. Now going by the name "Michelle" he's suing the Massachussets Department of Correction for the 2nd time, trying to get the state to pay for a sex change operation.

It's no longer chaos here at the compound. Almost all of the errands are done.

July: "Anyone who idolizes a zombie dope fiend is going to burn in hell."
--James Denson, also 78, whose mother was Elvis' mother Gladys' good friend.

You know that distinct briny taste you get in your mouth when you go to the beach, or go snorkeling? It's the taste of BACTERIA!!!!

August: I miss Andy Kaufman. What can I say?

MizBubs and I recently returned from fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada, where we:
-belatedly celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary,
-said goodbye to summer and sunshine, and
-spent some good time alone, together, to steel ourselves for the hubbub of school and MizBubs' return to full-time employment.

September: This is the farm owned by some of MizBubs' extended family (her sister's in-laws) about an hour west of Dubuque, Iowa.

This is from Viva Las Vegas VIII in 2005. I thought hurtling down a parking ramp in one of these looked like a swell time, but Miz Bubs assured me that was the beer talking.

October: Dig my suede vest. I was very groovy. And studious.

"Kill the brain and you kill the ghoul."

November: This is me, about to light the fuse, and I have that same sense of fierce determination and anticipation.

Check out this picture:
I get home from work at eleven o'clock, after driving through what's turning into a pretty intense ice storm out here in the northwest suburbs.

December: Today started with having to deal with the consequences of District 214's truly sh*tty and backwards-ass decision to NOT cancel classes for today: by 7:30 the car was dug out, cleaned off and the driveway was shoveled, and I had deposited one unhappy daughter at school. MizBubs, girl dynamo, cleared off the sidewalk and helped the neighbor dig out before I got home.

Happy New Year!

Wednesday's random factoid

According to the February, 2004 Harper's Index, a Hummer H2 could be driven around the world 244 times on the excess calories Americans consume each year.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Let's end this Tuesday on a good note



Me and MizBubs found ourselves childless tonight. Wow. The Christmas shopping is done, the girls are gone for the night (school break and all) and being the slacker househusband that I am, I got no dinner ready. So, what to do?

Head to The Tiki Terrace for a few Mai Tai's, that's what. How fortunate are we to have a good tiki bar so close to our house? Pretty damn lucky. They serve good food, too, and Tuesday is $3 Mai Tai night. We had some udon noodles, some fried coconut chicken, a few Mai Tai's, and some lovely conversation with Phil and Eileen who were working there tonight. Nice people. Then we returned home, MizBubs to her knitting and I to the Chuck Pahliniuk novel I got at the library yesterday (Lullaby.)

To top it off, on the drive home we listened to Tom Waits' version of "Young At Heart" from Orphans. It features a very Hawaiian-sounding steel guitar. Kismet.

Dude! Will White Castle profits soar along with US weed production?

According to this article in the Guardian, marijuana is now the NUMBER ONE CASH CROP IN THE UNITED STATES. I'm sorry, didn't mean to yell.

As someone from the midwest, who's spent hours driving through apparently endless fields of corn and soybeans, I find the idea that American-grown weed is worth more than all that corn and soy just mind-boggling.

The study appears here on the Bulletin for Cannabis Reform page. You can read about their estimation methods here.

I remember reading, years ago, that marijuana had passed tobacco as the top crop in states like Kentucky and North Carolina. Well, here's the top ten producing states according to this table:

1) California (no surprise there)
2) Tennessee
3) Kentucky (do I swell with home state pride? Or what?)
4) Hawaii
5) Washington
6) North Carolina
7) Florida
8) Alabama
9) West Virginia
10) Oregon

Illinois placed 19, behind our Hoosier neighbors to the east (17). We are, however, way ahead of Iowa (43) and Wisconsin (27). Evidently cornfed meth freaks and brandy-swilling cheeseheads don't have what it takes to make good pot farmers.

Merry Christmas from the U.K.


According to this story in the Mirror, an unemployed gent thought it would be fun to put up this 10' tall tree, trimmed with lights, shaped like a phallus.

The man lives in...wait for it...

Penistone.

Happy holidays!

Freak of the week

Goes to Marco Castro, a senior at Wheaton North High School.

Marco did something very special to some ranch dressing in the school cafeteria.

Happy holidays!

Nashville, Indiana


We evacuated the Compound and went into hiding this weekend. I planned this little getaway a few weeks ago; my thinking was that everyone would be feeling a little frazzled, and it would be a good idea for the four of us to just get away together and relax a bit before the home stretch.

I rented a cabin at Brown County State Park in Nashville, Indiana. The plan was we'd drive down there Friday afternoon, walk around the woods, go to some antique stores on Saturday, walk around the woods some more, and drive home Sunday. Along the way we'd have some meaningful conversations, and return feeling strengthened and renewed, ready for Christmas and all its joys and challenges.

In brief: the cabin was great, Brown County State Park was great. Our cabin was perched at the top of a ridge, looking down over a little creek. The view was lovely. The woods around the cabin were full of birds, particularly woodpeckers. The cabin also had one of the most wonderful lamps I've ever seen. The lamp was constructed of wood and little glued stones and had a tiny deer head on it, and a little glowing orange lightbulb to simulate the fire in a fireplace. You could find many items like it for sale in Nashville.

The town of Nashville was a touristy waste of time. It was probably fun 20 or 30 years ago, but it's now full of places that spell shop "shoppe" and time "tyme." We found shoppes with "ye" and "olde" but we were disappointed that there was no single shoppe that pulled it all together; something like "Ye Olde Tyme Curiousity Shoppe." The smothering odor of potpourri sachets and scented candles hung over the entire town. Picture Frankenmuth, Michigan, or an overly-themed Long Grove, Illinois. I was thankful that it was off-season, so we didn't have to deal with hordes of well-fed, middle-aged Harley Davidson enthusiasts and bus tour groups.

Being in the woods, though, however briefly, was restorative. Saturday night we walked down the ravine behind our cabin and crossed a little wooden footbridge to sit on a wooden bench. It was lovely, sitting there listening to the creek, the smell of damp earth, leaves and wood smoke finally driving away the cloying tang of fake pumpkin pie spice candles. Brown County, geologically speaking, is a beautiful place, and worth visiting to hike or camp.

On Saturday afternoon we drove up to Jonathan Byrd's Cafeteria, just south of Indianapolis on I-65. We met my mom, brothers and their families, and our oldest family friends, Sam and Thelma, for lunch there. Sam and Thelma live in Louisville, and it seemed like a good place for everyone to meet. My brothers and my mom planned this, and it worked out great that we were going to be in the area anyway that weekend. We spent a couple of hours sitting and talking after lunch, catching up. One of my oldest memories is of "driving" a car on Dixie Highway outside Louisville; in the freewheeling days before we all became so concerned with things like child seats and safety belts, Sam let me sit in his lap and steer while we all drove somewhere. I should've asked where it was we actually ended up that day. Anyway, if you're ever driving on 65 and need to strap on a feedbag, Jonathan Byrd's is a good place to stop.

Speaking of food, I found two regional treats that I'd never eaten before: sugar cream pie and fried biscuits. Mmmm MMM. Sugar cream pie is also known as Hoosier sugar cream pie, or Indiana cream pie. It's a recipe that originates with Shaker communities in southern Indiana. Picture a very rich, buttery but not too sweet custard pie, and you've just about got it. We saw "fried biscuits and apple butter" advertised in a bunch of restaurants around Brown County. On Saturday night we ate dinner at the Abe Martin Lodge, and they served a basket of fried biscuits with dinner. Oh man.

Fried biscuits are basically balls of biscuit dough, deep-fried, dusted in sugar and cinammon, and served with apple butter. Oh lord, were they good. We got a second basket to go, and ate them for breakfast Sunday morning. I'm looking for a good recipe to do this one at home.

As far as antique stores, we didn't find a single one in or around Nashville. Nothing but pukey ducks and scented candles. Oh, and did I mention you could buy potpourri? There was also a place purporting to be a "winery" that was actually selling wine from California for about $10 a bottle more than I'd pay at Binny's. We did find an excellent place on 6th Street in Bloomington, right off Walnut, and spent a couple hours there on Sunday.

Well, it's getting late and it's time to get to bed. It's good to be home.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Random Dinner Conversation

Hannah: Am I right in thinking that XXXXX is kinda funny looking?

MizBubs: She's not as funny looking as she used to be.

Hannah: That's true.

---

I have no idea who they were talking about. I wish I did, though.

I got a Christmas card today


Yeah, I know it's really only an advertisement for VLV X, but I like it anyway.

Last-minute gift for that special V.U. fan in your life

Now's the chance to pick up that perfect last-minute gift for the Velvet Underground fan who has everything.

The original 12" LP acetate of the very first Velvet Underground record is up for auction on eBay.

Bidding is currently at $20,255. Now, get a load of this:

The seller bought it in 2002, at a street sale in New York for 75 cents.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Road Trip!


Time to get out of town for a couple days. We'll be hiding out in a cabin in the woods in southern Indiana.

Today's random ten hits the road:

Not Responsible – Tom Jones

Mansions for Me – Bill Monroe

Poor Little Critter on the Road – The Knitters

This Could Be The Start of Something Big – Jack Jones

Making Plans for Nigel – Nouvelle Vague

One More Time – Roy Head

I’m A Man You Don’t Meet Every Day – The Pogues

Kool Kat – Bill Sherwell

Voodoo Dreams – Les Baxter

I Want Candy – Bow Wow Wow

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Easy on the ice...

All the snow is melted now, so I need something else to keep me in that holiday mood. This ought to do it.

...Obviously calculated to stimulate the reader

This seemingly obvious statement, made in regard to girlie magazines of the early 1960’s, is only one of many gems to be found in the following film.

You can find this educational feature, and many others, in the same place you find Reg Kehoe and his Marimba Queens: the Prelinger Archives. Go visit them. It's another wonderland of public domain educational and industrial films.



Cheesehead kills freak deer

What has seven legs, male and female reproductive organs and nub antlers?

According to this story from the Fon du Lac Reporter, the answer is a freak deer that got run over by a truck. And of course, after running down the hermaphroditic deer with the extra limbs, cheesehead driver ate it.

At least he didn't f*ck it by the side of the road, as far as we know. That happens in Wisconsin.

You can see pictures of the deer here.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Lucky Brooklynites


They get to see Lou Reed perform Berlin as a stage show.

According to this story in the NY Times, the production features sets designed by Julian Schnabel (who's also filming the event), and a children's choir.

I can't imagine having much more fun than knocking back a few stiff drinks and seeing a live performance of The Kids:






They're taking her children away
because they said she was not a good mother
They're taking her children away
because of the things she did in the streets
In the alleys and bars, no she couldn't be beat
that miserable rotten slut couldn't turn, anyone away

Happy holidays!!

Clean-cut Bubs



Nothing like a good haircut.

Listen up, gents, if you're looking for a good haircut (and they do shaves, too) head over to the Belmont Barbershop at 2328 W. Belmont. This was the first time I've been there and I'm happy with the results.

Check out that clean nape.

Even better, their prices are excellent--$15 for a cut, and they carry my favorite pomade, Layrite. I picked up a jar of it at Viva Las Vegas 8, and just ran out of it a few weeks ago.

YEEE HAW!

Lawmaker aims to allow the blind to hunt | Oddly Enough | Reuters.com

No Comment

I don't know what's going on, but today I've tried posting comments at Johnny Yen, OK Fine, Whatever, Notes from Davey Jones' Locker, and Melinda June, and a couple other blogs I can't recall at the moment. For some reason Blogger is not allowing me to do this. It's like a random Google gag order. I hate it.

I'm pissed off. Here I am, feeling talkative, and actually having the time to talk, and I'm thwarted. Stupid technology. I'm going back to signal flags, messages bottles and graffiti.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

My Christmas Spirit Refuses to Die!

Not even sleep deprivation, sex offenders, violent crime, overtime, work-related holiday parties, drug overdose, autopsy and bureaucracy, can wreck my sense of holiday cheer. Nope. My Christmas spirit is indomitable.

This last week was something.

Our family, for all its chaotic zaniness, has always placed a premium on buying and decorating a tree together every year. Over the past couple of years, though, our tree-buying expeditions have gotten smaller, and I’ve missed the decorating once or twice as well. This year Hannah (our youngest) and I managed to get a tree while MizBubs and the Mad Seamstress were both at work. It was important to get the tree last Sunday afternoon, because I had to go out of town for a couple days to attend a seminar, and we didn’t want to wait much longer. So, we got the tree, bundled it into the back of the minivan, and got it home. We didn’t get time to put it up before I left on Monday. MizBubs did an admirable job of cutting it, getting it inside, and set up in our dining room while I was gone. It’s still there, undecorated. It’s been there all week like that, fresh and green and piney-smelling, but oddly naked.

I spent a couple days in Champaign, Illinois, attending a class on investigating officer-involved shootings. My department sent me to this class by myself, and I didn’t really know anyone else in the class. This meant that, for the first time in 18 years, I went to bed early while I was out of town at a seminar. I ate a good meal at a place called Radio Maria, and found a neat little vintage shop called Carrie’s, where I got some good gifts that I can’t talk about here without spoiling someone’s surprise. Best of all, I found a pristine copy of Hillbilly Holiday for $5! The CD contains four extra tracks of hillbilly Christmas goodness featuring Faron Young, Johnny Horton, the Davis Sisters and Buck Owens. It's out of print, and the cheapest I've seen it on Amazon is $50!

The class was informative and good, but two days of studying worst-case scenarios, gunshot wounds, lawsuits, police fatalities and the like left me a little drained and happy to get home. Then it was back to work, trying to catch up on some administrative crap and some cases I was working on to clear my desk for my 13-day holiday. Most of it was just routine—lots of forgeries and financial crimes, and the usual thefts and domestic batteries. I had one woman who believed someone else used her name during a 1985 arrest (she found out during a background check she had to undergo for a license she was applying for) and wanted her name cleared. The mug photo from 1985 was gone, the arresting officer long since retired. I got the original inked fingerprints from 1985, and submitted them as “unknown”; the results matched to the woman I was dealing with. According to the fingerprints, she was, in fact, the person arrested by our department back in 1985. I don’t see how someone could forget being arrested 20 years ago, but I guess it happens.

Then this weekend hit. An 18 year old girl died in her bed early Saturday morning. It looks like it was probably an overdose; I went to the autopsy Sunday morning and the medical examiner explained the telltale signs. We won't know for sure for at least 6 or 8 weeks, when the toxicology report comes back. What got me, and this is the first time something like this ever happened to me, was that the girl looked quite a bit like my oldest daughter. I tracked down her boyfriend, who I know as a burglar and junkie, ready to tear into him. Instead, I found myself faced with a 20 year old, on methadone for 6 months now after a 4-year addiction to heroin, who couldn’t stop crying because of his dead girlfriend. I did get an idea of where she might have scored before she died, but we might never know for sure.

That same weekend one of our officers caught a weenie-waver at the library. The freak was kneeling between the stacks, tugging away, and the officer grabbed him and handcuffed him so quickly the freak didn’t have time to get the, uh, offending part back in his pants. I talked to this guy for almost 2 hours, and found out that he loves visiting local libraries and masturbates in public or exposes himself almost every day. He also prefers looking at porn on the computers at the Chicago Public Libraries, because, he said “it’s easier.” Oh well. He had a stack of computer-printed photos, folded up and, eh..stuck together...with him when he got arrested. He printed them (thanks Chicago Public Library!) from a website that specializes in fully-clothed young women sitting on, and trampling, and rubbing their feet in the faces of passive, dopey-looking men.

I finally got to the end of the workday yesterday, and attended my final work-related party of the season. I bugged out early and got home to watch the second half of the Bears game. The best thing about yesterday turned out to be falling asleep during the post-game, snoozing happily in my knowledge of a Bears win with a belly full of holiday bourbon.

I’m cooking dinner for my family for the first time in over a week tonight: Cajun fish, sweet potatoes and greens. After dinner we’ll finally decorate our naked little Christmas tree, and all will be right with the world.

Oh, and I hope to have some more fun stuff posted later this week, before our trip to Indiana.



Uh-oh

Katy had an amusing quiz on her site: What tarot card are you? This was one I hadn't seen before, so I took it.

I'm not sure what to make of the result:




You are The Devil


Materiality. Material Force. Material temptation; sometimes obsession


The Devil is often a great card for business success; hard work and ambition.


Perhaps the most misunderstood of all the major arcana, the Devil is not really "Satan" at all, but Pan the half-goat nature god and/or Dionysius. These are gods of pleasure and abandon, of wild behavior and unbridled desires. This is a card about ambitions; it is also synonymous with temptation and addiction. On the flip side, however, the card can be a warning to someone who is too restrained, someone who never allows themselves to get passionate or messy or wild - or ambitious. This, too, is a form of enslavement. As a person, the Devil can stand for a man of money or erotic power, aggressive, controlling, or just persuasive. This is not to say a bad man, but certainly a powerful man who is hard to resist. The important thing is to remember that any chain is freely worn. In most cases, you are enslaved only because you allow it.


What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Monday, December 11, 2006

YEAH IT'S VACATION NOW, BABY!!

And at the compound, vacation looks and sounds like THIS:



WHERE'S MY M**********NG BOURBON?!

Get me out of here

It's Monday at 10:45am, and it's my last day at work before my 13-day long holiday. I'm waiting for a call, and have a few moments here to reflect on just how badly I want to be home with my family. Or out shopping. Or walking in the woods.

Anywhere, in short, but here.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Santa loves the little children


Santa seems especially interested in the oldest girl on the right.

These photos came from the Scared of Santa Gallery. Go check it out -- more than 65 photos of little ones in varying states of Santa-induced distress.

I'm sorry, but Santa has to kill you now


He thought the fake beard and wig would be enough of a disguise. But no; he knows he's been recognized, and in the moment of that Instamatic flash going off, Santa knows that he must track you down and kill you now.

Friday, December 08, 2006

Friday Random Ten: December 8

Rainy Night In Soho – The Pogues

Rocky Road Blues – Bill Monroe

Sister, Do You Know My Name? – White Stripes

Baby How Long – Howlin Wolf

All Tomorrow’s Parties – Velvet Underground

I’ll Shoot the Moon – Tom Waits

Psyche – Nouvelle Vague

Fool I Am – Pat Ferguson

Jack the Ripper – Link Wray

All Guitars – The Flying Lizards

What's that smell?

Lesson learned here? If you really gotta bust ass in a bad way on a commercial flight, don't burn matches to mask the stink:

Flatulent Passenger Grounds Flight

It's not often news writers get to work this many puns into headlines.

You can read more about the fart scare here, here and here.

Stare into the cold dead eyes of Santa

The terrified child reaches out for help, but Mommy and Daddy can't help. Mommy and Daddy are gone. Forever. The older brother stares ahead, unblinking, a grim, stoic figure in the face of all this Christmasey horror. Note Santa's robot arm in the foreground, from which he's detached the wrathful hand of Santa.

Be afraid.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

December 7th





Yesterday, December 7, 1941 - a date which will live in infamy - the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan.

The United States was at peace with that nation and, at the solicitation of Japan, was still in conversation with its Government and its Emperor looking toward the maintenance of peace in the Pacific. Indeed, one hour after Japanese air squadrons had commenced bombing in Oahu, the Japanese Ambassador to the United States and his colleague delivered to the Secretary of State a formal reply to a recent American message. While this reply stated that it seemed useless to continue the existing diplomatic negotiations, it contained no threat or hint of war or armed attack.

It will be recorded that the distance of Hawaii from Japan makes it obvious that the attack was deliberately planned many days or even weeks ago. During the intervening time the Japanese Government has deliberately sought to deceive the United States by false statements and expressions of hope for continued peace.

The attack yesterday on the Hawaiian Islands has caused severe damage to American naval and military forces. Very many American lives have been lost. In addition American ships have been reported torpedoed on the high seas between San Francisco and Honolulu.

Yesterday the Japanese Government also launched an attack against Malaya. Last night Japanese forces attacked Hong Kong. Last night Japanese forces attacked Guam. Last night Japanese forces attacked the Philippine Islands. Last night the Japanese attacked Wake Island. This morning the Japanese attacked Midway Island.

Japan has, therefore, undertaken a surprise offensive extending throughout the Pacific area. The facts of yesterday speak for themselves. The people of the United States have already formed their opinions and well understand the implications to the very life and safety of our nation.

As Commander-in-Chief of the Army and Navy, I have directed that all measures be taken for our defense.

Always will we remember the character of the onslaught against us. No matter how long it may take us to overcome this premeditated invasion, the American people in their righteous might will win through to absolute victory.

I believe I interpret the will of the Congress and of the people when I assert that we will not only defend ourselves to the uttermost but will make very certain that this form of treachery shall never endanger us again.

Hostilities exist. There is no blinking at the fact that our people, our territory and our interests are in grave danger.

With confidence in our armed forces - with the unbounded determination of our people - we will gain the inevitable triumph - so help us God.

I ask that the Congress declare that since the unprovoked and dastardly attack by Japan on Sunday, December seventh, a state of war has existed between the United States and the Japanese Empire."

-President Franklin D. Roosevelt, December 8, 1941

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Sunday, December 03, 2006

I hear music

And I hear music-related memes:

How many songs: 1,262

First song: Top of the World -- The Carpenters

Last song: You're a Better Man Than I -- The Yardbirds

Shortest: Paul Burlison Makes a Toast -- The Dempseys (.07)

Longest: Homecoming -- Green Day (9:18)

Five most played songs:

Sam Hall -- Johnny Cash
Goo Goo Muck -- the Cramps
Jack the Ripper -- Link Wray
Veruca Salt -- Danny Elfman (Willy Wonka Soundtrack)
God's Away on Business -- Tom Waits

First song that comes up on "shuffle": Buffalo Skinners -- Woody Guthrie

Number of items that come up when searching for:

"sex": 2

"death": 4

"love": 78

"you": 127

"me": 386

"cry": 8

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Movie of the Week


Roll out the orange shag carpet, throw up the wood-grain panelling, melt some cheese cubes in your avocado green fondue pot and enjoy the entertainment masterpiece that was ABC's Movie of the Week.

Here's some cool trivia, according to TV Party:

In 1971-72, 18 of the 23 top-rated films broadcast on television were ABC MOTWs, thanks in no small part to the fast-paced, 30-second promotional teasers that forever redefined motion picture advertising.


Jump The Shark has a nice page dedicated to the ABC MOTW. For what it's worth, 28 votes to 1 say that MOTW never jumped the shark. One voter says it did -- with Killdozer.

I just remembered one more MOTW favorite of mine: James Brolin in Trapped. That's the one where the guy gets knocked out by juvenile delinquents and wakes up in a department store after closing time, only to find himself...TRAPPED! By 6 doberman pinschers.

Speaking of 30-second promotional spots, check this out: the original promo for The Night Stalker.

Oh, yeah. There's also an over-the-top promo featuring Connie Stevens as...The Sex Symbol.

Enjoy!

Friday, December 01, 2006

Friday Random Ten: Snowbound Edition

Today started with having to deal with the consequences of District 214's truly sh*tty and backwards-ass decision to NOT cancel classes for today: by 7:30 the car was dug out, cleaned off and the driveway was shoveled, and I had deposited one unhappy daughter at school. MizBubs, girl dynamo, cleared off the sidewalk and helped the neighbor dig out before I got home.

Then came the good news: my dentist appointment, cancelled. Haircut, cancelled. Eldest daughter's classes, cancelled. And today was my day off, and MizBubs!! I'm drinking some more coffee to gear up for another go at the driveway and front walk, and then it's a quick trip to Costco to prepare for an afternoon of cleaning and baking.

SNOW DAY!

So here is today's special snowbound edition:

What is a Santa Claus – Stan Kenton

Blue Christmas – Billy Eckstine

The Merriest – June Christy

O Tannenbaum – Vince Guaraldi Trio

Baby It’s Cold Outside – Dean Martin

Boogie Woogie Santa Claus – Lionel Hampton

The Nutcracker Suite – Les Brown & His Orchestra

Christmas Night in Harlem – Louis Armstrong

The Man With the Bag – Kay Star

Linus and Lucy – Vince Guaraldi Trio

Reasons I love my family


Check out this picture:

I get home from work at eleven o'clock, after driving through what's turning into a pretty intense ice storm out here in the northwest suburbs. I get done salting the front and back porches, hoping it will make the morning shovel easier, I come back inside, pour my bourbon...and find this, saved as the new desktop on our computer.

And I have no idea who did this. It wasn't MizBubs, I know that--I asked her when I kissed her goodnight. So it's one of the daughters. The last desktop image we had was of the ruin of Tyrone House in County Galway, Ireland. Before that I'd put up a random image of a drunk woman dancing with a penguin. We like to mix it up. I get home late, find something that amuses me, and it becomes the desktop image for a few days. My youngest gets home from school, finds something that amuses her, and it becomes the desktop. Around it goes.

I find this very comforting.

All that's left now is to fall asleep and hope that, when I awake, Harper College and Prospect High School have both cancelled classes for the day. That's what this family needs--a rockin good snow day.