Freak of the Week: Yuletide edition

It's time for a new freak of the week, and Australia has obligingly provided an excellent yule season candidate.

"It is believed the man was harassing neighbours and passers-by while parading around in female underwear and a Santa hat," Victoria Police spokeswoman Senior Constable Cassy Stone said.

It did not end well for the unnamed cross-dressing Santa. He was pepper-sprayed by the police and then jumped to his death from a 14th floor balcony.

Runners-up:

21 year old Tan Wen Zhong of Singapore gets points for wearing a pink bikini and for having a collection of 46 pairs of women's underwear, discovered when police searched his residence. Mr. Zhong pled guilty to "outraging the modesty" of the woman who shared the lift with him and "fraudulent possession of women's underwear".

He fell short, however, having not worn any festive Christmas-related headgear during his offenses.

33 year old Sandrama Lamy of Danbury, Connecticut was apparently trying to work out some daddy issues when she groped a 65 year old Santa at her local shopping mall. The initial report to mall security was that the mall Santa "had been sexually assaulted." Police located and identified Ms. Lamy quickly, as she was on crutches. She gets points for being a woman (women are notoriously under-represented in freak of the week) but loses points for not making any wacky statements to the media.

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There's a difference between being a freak, and just being an asshole. Mr. Clint Westwood, a 22 year old drama student at University of Montana, was arrested for throwing a pie in Santa's face as a girl sat in Santa's lap. Westwood was filming the prank for a documentary film he's making titled "My Crazy Life", and also planned to include footage of himself urinating while seated on Santa's lap. Westwood says he took up acting because his name is so similar to Clint Eastwood's.

Uh-oh

Wake me when it's over...

I don't really mean that. But kind of, I do.

Wake me when it's Christmas morning, all groggy and excited. Hey, at the very least, wake me day after tomorrow, because tomorrow is a day I'd rather sleep through.

I'm supposed to do an 8 hour defensive tactics class, followed by a shower and a quick change into party clothes for our annual detective unit party, which, this year, I'd just rather not go to. I just don't feel like it. Don't feel like getting up at 5:30 am to teach, don't feel like having to run home to clean up and change, don't feel like socializing with my coworkers. But I will.

Today disappeared.

Seriously, I woke up early enough and thought I had everything under control, and it just disappeared. Cooking, laundry, and 5 hours of trying to get video editing software to work so our youngest can do an extra credit project for her Spanish class. It's a damn good video, from what I've seen--it involves dinosaurs speaking Spanish at the intersection. Sadly, nothing worked, and so after a whole afternoon spent wrestling with the computer, and MizBubs, girl dynamo, running out to Best Buy to buy the newest version of software, we got nothing.

At least we had a good dinner: chicken breasts stuffed with prosciutto and swiss cheese, cabbage braised in red wine...tasty.

And we have a Sunday afternoon cocktail: the Caipirinha. We visited Binny's Saturday afternoon and bought our first bottle of Leblon Cachaca; they even threw in a recipe book and a muddler. The Caipirinha is a simple drink, muddled lime and sugar with Cachaca. Delicious.


Splotchy left for New Orleans today, to build houses for New Orleans Area Habitat For Humanity. He's doing good works, and I wish I was going with him. Hopefully, this year, the person sleeping next to him in the dorm won't be another FartMaster 3000. He had the misfortune, when we were down there last year gutting houses, to be stuck next to a guy who was both the most flatulent guy in the tent, as well as the loudest snorer. I dubbed the guy "FartMaster3000" and after a couple of days none of us could remember his real name any more.

Anyway, think about Splotchy this week, and if you want a charity to throw some money at this holiday season, seriously think about New Orleans Habitat For Humanity.

I'm hoping Splotchy makes it out on December 26. He's one of the best people you'll ever meet, and his wife is a sweetheart. Don't get me started on how cool their kids are.

It's funny, I got Splotchy heading off to do good deeds in my favorite city, and I been reading Jin's and Katy's accounts of their jaunt to Las Vegas. I'm suddenly struck with a case of travel envy.

Well, that's all for now. Hope everyone had a good weekend.

I'm running out of personal information, 5 facts at a time

There are few things that people don't know about me any more. After responding to a number of memes/tags like this one I feel like there's not much more to reveal. But...when a monkey wearing a fez--especially a monkey doctor wearing a fez--makes a request, you do your damnedest to honor it.

Here goes:


1) At one time in my life I wanted to be a Civil War reenactor. I was always kind of a history geek when I was a kid, I loved acting, I lived in close proximity to historical sites back east (for a while we lived about 2 miles from where Washington crossed the Delaware) and I was 10 years old before I found out the south lost the Civil War. I used to see reenactments and think how cool it would be to do that on weekends. Now, in some goofy way, I suspect that my participation in my department's honor guard might be some kind of compensation for never having done this.

2) For a short period of time I had nearly shoulder-length hair.

3) I partied with Cindy Crawford in her underwear.

Well, really, I saw her in Sears maternity underwear when I was a photographer's assistant and she was in the early stages of her modeling career. I worked for a studio that did catalog work for Sears. For a while I had a Polaroid of her in that outfit (we shot on large format cameras, and took a Polaroid to check exposure and lighting) but one of the merch boys glommed it.

4) I act like sentimental idiot when I'm talking to my dogs, and like to hold scraps of food in my mouth and let them take it.

5) I convinced my youngest daughter that she would be carried off and raised by badgers if she misbehaved. She believed this until she was about 4 years old, when MizBubs took her to Brookfield Zoo and she saw real badgers for the first time.

I tag anyone who feels like doing this, because I've learned that some folks are irritated by being tagged, but I can't remember who they are and I don't want to risk pissing them off. Me, I don't mind being tagged because I'm a blowhard.

HOLY CRAP IT'S FRIDAY

When I realized it's the weekend already, and only 11 days to Christmas, I felt a lot like the kid in this picture.

HAY SUP indeed.

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You know, it seems like as good a time as any to get back into posting Friday Random Ten selections. So, here's mine for today:

Peace In The Valley—Elvis Presley

Bonaparte's Retreat—Willie Nelson

Rockin' & Rollin'—Curley Langley & His Western Allstars

Saving All My Love For You—Tom Waits

On The Road—Tom Waits

This Year's Girl—Elvis Costello & The Attractions

Done You Wrong—Danny Mote

Sleeping In—The Postal Service

Crawdad Song—Hal Moore

Swamp Fire—Martin Denny

I love this. The first song, appropriately enough, is from Elvis, and it's one of my favorite gospel tunes of his. Johnny Cash and June Carter do an awesome version too, but I think I lean toward Elvis'. Nice to hear at this time of year.

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Finally, a question for all my Canadian readers.

Do all Canadian cops assume cool names when they join the police service? Are the names assigned to them by the department, or do you have to have a cool name to begin with before you even apply for the job?

I saw this quote from an article about the Royal Canadian Mounted Police arresting some middle school students for bullying (!?)

"In general, if there is an alternative solution to judicial action available we'll exercise that," said Sgt. Law Power. "But in this particular case arresting these males was in the best interest of the victim and the school."

I was just wondering, is all.

Totally unimaginative gift ideas

How 'bout a clip-on tie for the man in your life?

The clip-on tie was invented on today's date in 1928.

How Bettie Page saved Christmas

I had an abbreviated work week--only 4 days, and today (Thursday) is my last day. Then it's 3 days off, then I work 7. My normal work schedule is 6 days on and 3 off, but sometimes we move our days off, either by choice or by the demands of work. Anyway...

The holiday shopping season is in full swing, and the town I work for has a lot of retail stores, and that means that every boosting, wallet-stealing, purse-snatching, identity thieving, check-writing, forging, scamming, credit card swiping asshole in the greater Chicagoland area is out doing his or her thing.

We went out tonight trying to find a woman who stole about $20,000 from her employer; the case is several months old but we just got her bank records this week. No luck finding her tonight. Another of our detectives followed up a lead on a wallet theft when he found out that someone used the victim's credit card at a mall in a neighboring town. When he went to that store to view their security video tonight, who do you think walked into the store to do some more shopping? That's right--his offenders, children in tow. Always a treat. Another one of our guys had to attend two autopsies this week, and I can tell you that the chemical tang of the morgue is no way to wake up in the morning.

The domestic disturbances always take on a different tone at this time of the year, ranging from sad to surreal to tragic. Two nights ago I took a call from a neighboring department. Their officers went on a domestic involving a mom and her teenage daughter. The family are repeat customers, and when the officers arrived daughter was on the floor, screaming and out of control. She and mom were arguing over the daughter visiting a friend that mom doesn't approve of (the friend is a coke user according to mom). The daughter called mom around 11pm asking for a ride home; because of who she was with, mom expressed her disapproval by telling the kid to get home on her own. This happened the night before the domestic, and for whatever reason mom and daughter didn't start up with each other until the next day. Eventually the kid was taken to the hospital for a psych evaluation, and somewhere in all this she blurted out that she was the victim of an attempted sexual assault while she was walking home (thanks mom!) The officers determined that it happened in our town, so they called us. We went to the hospital to talk to the girl, and there were some big gaps in her story--we couldn't pin down an exact address. We asked her if she'd be willing to get in the car with us and retrace her route so we could pinpoint the address where it happened, and she agreed. Along the way we also learned that she'd been the victim of sexual assault before--at the hands of her own father, for roughly 7 years. The girl was admitted to a psych ward and our investigation is on hold until she's released.

No Christmas trees have been hurled through the front windows yet...give it a couple of weeks.

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So, what do you do? How do you keep your spirits up in the face of all this? I'm not big on religious platitudes and "God's will" type reassurances, so that's out. I do believe in prayer, and I do that as well as I can. My prayers all take one of two basic forms: "thank you", or "please help me/please help (fill in your name here)". I focus on my family and friends, and I literally count my blessings several times a day. I run for no particular reason. I read your blogs, and I am entertained and encouraged. I look forward to socializing with some of you later this month. I work hard to remember that the world is full of good people who do good things.

And I think about Bettie Page.

See, there's a few different kinds of Christmases:

1) There's the traditional religious Christmas, the birth of the Christ child. There's some awesome symbolism there, but frankly that's beyond my ability to truly comprehend or talk about in any kind of articulate or intelligent manner. I really wish I had the faith and knowledge to do so.

2) There's the truly awful and overwhelming CHRISTMAS HOLIDAY SEASON, a vulgar blend of the worst sentimentalism, religiosity and corporate bombast. Oh, and patriotism, too, because God loves our nation best at Christmas time. It's Christmas music being piped in above the din of the slot machines in Las Vegas casinos, it's the endless chain emails showing the wreaths at Arlington cemetery with some mawkish "prayer" tacked on to the photos and some waving American flag animations attached because the simple imagery of the tombs at Arlington at Christmas isn't enough, it's all that shit Charlie Brown and Linus Van Pelt warned us about way back in 1965.

3) Then you've got the vaguely spiritual, well-meaning "holiday season", the idea that, for Christian, Jew, Muslim and everyone else, this is some special time of year when we all try and do just a little better, when we all try and behave just a little more kindly to our fellow man. It's the mercy and good works and redemption without the heavy religious baggage. It's war movies where the soldiers stop fighting and meet with each other in no-man's land for few short hours in December. It's the sense that we're all in this together. It's heartwarming stories about mysterious strangers dropping $100 coins in the Salvation Army buckets. It's George Bailey.

I've been trying to inhabit a slightly different holiday season. It acknowledges #1 without being strident about it. It veers dangerously close, at times, to # 2 but never crosses the line. It's got a lot in common with #3 without being bland or wishy-washy. It's the holiday season of doing a few good deeds, of being thankful for family and friends, of forgiveness, it's the holiday season of cocktail parties plain and swanky, of decorating Christmas trees, enjoying simple pleasures like freshly-baked cookies and homemade candy, of acknowledging that the newest and shiniest is not always the best. It's kind of retro. It's hokey at times, but in a good way. It has faith but doesn't shove it in your face. It avoids cynicism. It's about doing your best, and trying to make others happy. It's playful. And it keeps me going.

Like Bettie Page in a Santa hat.

Christmas time in Florida II

It is unfair to make sweeping generalizations about an entire state.

While it is true that many Floridians do observe the Christmas holiday by setting up futuristic manger scenes in their front yards, and others feel compelled to drive over their neighbor's decorations before shooting them with large caliber handguns, not all Floridians respond in this manner.

Some church-going folks throw themselves into producing touching, heartfelt pageants celebrating the birth of the Christ child. I know I spent more than one evening in my childhood standing on stage in church auditoriums, dressed in desert robes made of bedsheets.

The church-going folks at the First Baptist Church of Fort Lauderdale mount a Christmas pageant that costs $1.3 million to produce, has a cast of 600+, and runs 2 & 1/2 hours.

According to this article from the Associated Press, linked on the church's website:

"Fireworks explode through the air, women dressed as angels "fly" to herald Jesus' birth and camels make their way to the nativity scene with the three kings.

At the First Baptist Church of Fort Lauderdale's $1.3 million Christmas Pageant _ more Broadway extravaganza than local production _ hundreds of men, women and children dressed as ancient residents of Jerusalem dance, skip and sing their way into the aisles. There is simulated snow, a horse-pulled sleigh, a kickline of dancers and a jazzed-up version of "Joy To The World."

The article goes on to describe the auditions, computerized lighting systems and the "controlled pyrotechnics at the end of the first act." In the second act

"...a bloodied Jesus carries his own cross to the stage, where he is beaten by Roman guards and then crucified. He is then shown lying inside what looks like a tomb and then resurrects, ascending over the stage using cables."

In recent years the role of Jesus has been played by Les Chevelydayoff, who portrays Jesus at the Holy Land Experience in Orlando, Florida. In this article, Chevelydayoff talks about the responsibility of portraying Jesus:

"It’s just a whirlwind of emotions when kids come up to you and people wave at you from their cars. You’re constantly being watched."

"...It’s been an eye opener for me," Chevelydayoff said. Easily identifiable with long hair, penetrating eyes and a beard, he said he is very conscious of making sure he doesn’t reject children or even adults who want his attention. Off stage during the interview, he breaks away slightly to pat a child on the head, to smile and nod at another toddler staring over his mother’s back."I have no idea how He did it," he said of Jesus Christ. "The eyes of the world are always watching."

I'll leave the last word to Senior Pastor Larry Thompson, who is the pageant's executive producer. In this ABC News story, Thompson says

''I think Jesus would come to the show [and say], 'Authentically you got it right.'"

25 years ago in one-hit history

On December 11, 1982, the ultimate cheerleading pop song Mickey hit number 1 on Billboard's Hot 100 chart.

Christmas time in Florida

While most residents of Florida are busy preparing for Christmas by setting up vaguely futuristic and disturbing nativity scenes made from mannequins, other Floridians find themselves stressed out by the holidays.


Like Matthew P. Lankford of Winter Haven.

Mr. Lankford's sister, Audra, got in some kind of a beef with a neighbor, Douglas Sheldon, while Mr. Sheldon was parking his truck. Audra called Matthew and told him about it.

Matthew must have been having a rough day. Maybe the $179 worth of lottery tickets he bought didn't pay out; maybe his pit bull got eaten by an alligator. Perhaps his inflated sense of family honor kicked in and he couldn't bear the idea of anyone disrespecting his sister. Who knows.

What we do know is that, shortly after getting that call from his sister, Mr. Lankford drove through Douglas Sheldon's yard, running over all of Mr. Sheldon's Christmas decorations. He even decapitated a snowman.

Mr. Sheldon responded by running over to Mr. Lankford's house, where, according to this story in the Orlando Sentinel, "an argument ensued between the men and several other people." (**Note: white trash neighbor disputes are a prized form of entertainment in certain communities, and frequently draw good crowds.)

Well, this madness had to come to an end eventually. So Mr. Lankford produced a .45 handgun and shot Mr. Sheldon a couple of times to prove his point.

Mr. Sheldon underwent surgery and is recovering. Mr. Lankford will spend Christmas in jail; a holiday meal of turkey loaf and pruno is a small price to pay for defending your sister's honor.

Seasons Cheer

A simple holiday wish from Sprawling Ramshackle Compound and the beautiful Bettie Page.

It's Monday, and I'm back to work this evening after a glorious 10 day break. I need to keep some pleasant holiday images in mind, and I think Bettie works wonders in that department.

There's a bug going around...

OK, it's my turn to take a crack at this viral story that Splotchy started. Well, Splotchy started it, but I was infected by Chris at Some Guy's Blog.

I should've worn a mask and washed my hands. Here goes:


I woke up hungry. I pulled my bedroom curtain to the side and looked out on a hazy morning. I dragged myself into the kitchen, in search of something to eat. I reached for a jar of applesauce sitting next to the sink, and found it very cold to the touch. I opened the jar and realized it was frozen. (Splotchy)

My first idea was to put the applesauce in the microwave. Hey, I was still tired. Could I scoop some out and put whipped cream on it? No, too solid. Why was it so damn cold in here? I walked over to the thermostat and saw that the heat hadn't clicked on all night and the temperature had dropped substantially overnight. Now, tired and hungry, I opened the access panel on the heater. There's the problem: why was someone cooking a duck in here? (SamuraiFrog)

I bent down and scooped up the uncooked duck carcass. There was no way I was going to let it go to waste, especially considering I had applesauce on hand. I placed it in a roasting pot and went back to reset the heater. As I continued to wake up, I realized that my roommate had spent the night at his girlfriend's place and couldn't have put the duck there. "How the hell did it get there?" I wondered. Just then, an already odd situation became even stranger. The lifeless duck animated, flapped its featherless wings, and began to speak. (Some Guy)

Ahhh Christ. Another tear in the continuum, and now I gotta listen to some talking duck carcass? Fuck that. I throttled that slimy featherless freak creature and tossed it right into the garbage where it belonged. I needed a drink. The bitter slap of Malort would've gotten the memory of talking duck carcass right out of my mind, but I was out. It would have to be black coffee and absinthe. Yeah, that should do it. The morning pot was full, and I knew I had a bottle of the green fairy here somewhere...

No time for sugar cubes or ice water. Nope. Time to slurp and guzzle, and get a grip.

There. Yeah. That's the ticket. Let the booze numb and the caffeine innervate.

What's that rustling sound in the garbage can? Oh no...

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I tag MizBubs, Dena, Johnny Yen, Doc, Skyler's Dad and anyone else who wants to wrestle with this.

Las Vegas Slideshow

I just put together a little slide show from our Las Vegas Marathon trip.

You can check it out here:

Las Vegas and Hoover Dam

and here:

Las Vegas Marathon Running Elvi

Hope you like it.

Saturday morning coffee

It's time to make the transition from Las Vegas Bubs to Holiday Bubs, and so far I think it's going smoothly. It helps that we now have a tree in our dining room--I ran out Friday afternoon and got a nice little balsam from the tree lot across from the liquor store. They guys who run it are from the U.P. and real friendly; we've gotten trees there for several years now. So, now, the entire dining room smells piney fresh, which is nice. We'll decorate it tonight, and the baking starts today. Mmmm...

Our household is about to take on a unique holiday smell. It's kind of a medley, a steady undercurrent of pine thanks to the tree, with an interweaving of strong coffee, roasted pecans (around this time of year I have to fight the urge to throw roasted pecans into everything) and cocoa, with occasional strong notes of freshly-peeled oranges, crisp bacon, roasted garlic and caramelized onion. There's cinnamon, of course, and frequently the distinct aroma of bourbon whiskey or mulled wine, or, even better--glogg. Right now the smell is pine tree/coffee/fresh orange/maple cinnamon oatmeal. It's comforting.

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Part of the reason I'm so enthusiastic about my household smells is that, as part of the transition from LV to holiday season, I need to get the Las Vegas smells out of my head. What are the Las Vegas smells you ask? Well, it depends on where you're at and what you're doing. There's always the smell of unwashed foreign tourist that can grab you at any moment; likewise the over-cologned 20-something party guy or gal. You're never far away from smelling a good cigar, either, or some good cooking smells. While Las Vegas does not offer the riot of smells that New Orleans does, there's still a lot to experience:

• Wonderful casino smell--a pleasant combination of vanilla, coconut and some floral notes. It's usually accompanied by a cool or refreshing sensation in the air, and you really notice it when you walk into the swankier casinos like Mandalay Bay, Mirage, Bellagio or Wynn. There's always just a hint of cigarette smoke in the background, but not much. The best casino smell ever was at the Desert Inn. I've gone to great lengths, at times, to reproduce this smell in my own home.
• Good casino smell--you still get those pleasant notes when you first walk in, especially near the hotel registration desks, but it's less noticeable throughout the casino. The smoke smell is stronger, and you can start to detect the scent of human desperation along with it. The Luxor and Monte Carlo have this smell, along with most of the other big casinos on the strip. The air does not seem quite as cool as in the top casinos.
  
• Bad casino smell--the classic example was the old Westward Ho, torn down a year or two ago. It was a combination of cigarette smoke, stale alcohol and chili dog onions, making you want to sniff your own armpit occasionally to make sure you weren't smelling your own B.O. The worst example is found at the Gold Spike downtown, where the funk of human fear and hopelessness almost overpowers decades worth of ashtray stench. The high end of bad casino smell can be found at places like O'Shea's and Casino Royale on the strip. They still have the heavy beer/smoke medley, but the smell of raucous human party time sweat is not entirely unpleasant.
• Double Down Saloon smell--now this is in a category all its own. The place is a cool dark haven, the happiest place on earth, truly. No matter what time of day or night you go there, it looks the same. You can only tell if it's day or night when someone opens the door. If it's daytime, you can see the people sitting along that side of the bar wince and recoil from the sunlight. We bought a couple of tee shirts to replace our old ones, and when we went to pack them up Tuesday morning we realized they absolutely reeked of smoke and some other, indefinable, something...whether it was the fabled Ass Juice or bacon martini, I couldn't tell.
• The weird sewer smell that you get at odd intervals along the strip from the Planet Hollywood south to the MGM Grand. We also noticed it in the Miracle Mile shops at Planet Hollywood. At first you think the tourist in front of you ripped one, but then you realize it's actually much more than that.
• On this visit I also experienced runner smell, made all the more unique by the fact that the race expo and pre-race Elvis assembly was held at the Mandalay Bay. Morning runner smell is a combination of sunscreen, mint/menthol (from all that pain cream on everyone's knees and legs), shampoo and arousal. Post-race runner smell (especially hundreds of them together in a confined area) is something else altogether, and I won't describe it here.
  

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Another thing that's really got me going is food. I mean, even more than usual. When we first started visiting Las Vegas we'd visit different restaurants and always treat ourselves to a couple of really good meals while we were out there. When we first visited there were a few celebrity chef restaurants, and they all offered an excellent value for the quality of food. It seemed that you could afford much better food than you could in other places, because to some extent the gambling still subsidized the food and drink. Over the past ten years though, that's changed.

There are many more excellent restaurants, many bearing celebrity chef's names (Wolfgang Puck, Emeril Lagasse, Bobby Flay, Todd English, Michael Mina, etc) than there were ten years ago. There are also buffets at places like the Paris and the Bellagio that offer an astonishing variety and quality of food. So that's nice.

In the past people went to Las Vegas because middle class folks could get a level of service and entertainment that they couldn't afford in their home town. The problem is that food and entertainment now make up a much bigger percentage of hotel/casino income; the casinos have all realized that people are much more willing to pay more money for food and drink. The days of the cheap buffet/prime rib dinner/$5.99 steak, at least at the nicer places on the strip, are long gone.

A new ethic has arisen among visitors to Las Vegas, particularly younger visitors. Instead of viewing Las Vegas as a destination where you get more for your money, Las Vegas has become a destination where people expect to spend far more than they normally would. It has become a place dedicated to conspicuous consumption. Visit message boards like Open Vegas and check out the comments. You'll hear people say things like "I went to X club, and spent $50 cover for two of us to get in, and we got bottle service for $400, but what the heck, it's Vegas, right?"

So, if you stay at a nicer property on the strip, expect to pay $6-$8 for a bottled beer like MGD or Lite. Expect to pay $10-$14 for a mixed drink or for name brand booze. Sometimes it's ok to spend more for quality booze, like if you want to sit somewhere really swanky like the Red Square at Mandalay Bay and drink cocktails containing 3 shots of high-end booze off a bar made of ice. The only problem there is after you have too many drinks and stick your tongue to the ice bar on a dare and have to be removed by the staff. I'm just saying.

Expect that if you visit a place like the Luxor Steakhouse you'll spend $175 for two people on the same quality steak dinner you'd get at Wildfire for about $50 less.

Needless to say, food had become less important to us over the past few visits. It just didn't seem worth the effort. This time, though, I wanted to find something special and have a really good meal.

We had the best meal of our lives at Rosemary's on Sunday night after the race. Rosemary's is run by chefs Wendy and Michael Jordan. They both have roots in New Orleans (Michael worked for Emeril Lagasse) and their restaurant reflects a distinct southern influence, but with some really unique flair.

On Sunday night they offer their wines at half price. We each had the prix fixe dinner ($50) which allowed you to choose 3 items from the menu (entree, and an appetizer, salad and/or dessert). The food was amazing, the service was amazing, and the restaurant was just perfect. The bill, including two stiff bourbons, a bottle of wine and the prix fixe dinner for two came to about $200, tax and tip included. We spent about 2 1/2 hours there. I've never experienced service that was this good without being intrusive or pretentious, and I've never had food this complex and well-prepared that wasn't fussy.

Here's what we had:

an amuse-bouche of whitefish salad on a crispy tortilla,

a nice Tinto Fino Spanish red wine,

Beef & Maytag Blue Cheese Carpaccio
Arugula & Granny Smith Apple Salad, Candied Walnuts & Port Wine Drizzles,

Hugo’s Texas BBQ Shrimp
Maytag Blue Cheese Slaw,

Wilted Spinach Salad
Port Wine Shallots, Goat Cheese Cake, Spiced Pecans & Sherry Mustard Dressing,

Seared Sea Scallops
Parsnip Potato Puree, Apple Cider Beurre Blanc, Crispy Prosciutto & Fried Parsnip Strips,

Grilled Veal Tenderloin
French Green Lentils, Apple Smoked Bacon & Sherry Mustard Butter Sauce,

Dessert was a coconut bread pudding, which was served as a timbale and was actually the weakest part of the meal, but still pretty damn good. After dessert they brought out a little dish with truffles, lemon bars and peanut butter balls that was like a second dessert in itself. I can't say enough good about Rosemary's. If I lived in Las Vegas I'd weigh 300 pounds and be broke.

I wish I'd taken pictures of my food, but I didn't want to look like a total rube. All I managed was a surreptitious camera phone shot of MizBubs' Vegas cleavage. That was classy.

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Enjoy the weekend you crazy kids!

It's that time

Time for scary Santa.

The girl, her intuition far more developed than her hapless brother's, stares straight ahead in a silent plea for help.

December 26: Here's an idea

What would people think about maybe having our December 26th get-together at the fabulous Hala-Kahiki Lounge? It should be pretty roomy on a Wednesday night, and I've been there with parties of 10 or 12 people on short notice with no problems. The drinks are cheap and strong, and there's beer and straight liquor for the unadventurous.

The Hala-Kahiki is in River Grove, on River Road between Belmont and Grand Avenue. It's pretty easily accessible from I-90, I-294 and the western suburbs. It's easy to get to from the north side of Chicago as well. Here's a map:


View Larger Map

Just thought I'd throw that out there. I'm happy in pretty much any old gin mill.

Peroxide and wrestling

And what the hell peroxide and wrestling has to do with anything, I have no idea. I just know I found a cute pic of a hot dame and a snowman, and it's wintertime and it's three weeks until Christmas and I got snow all over my yard...so there. There's your winter pinup.

Enjoy.

Dam

Classy!

Las Vegas places a high premium on the appreciation of the classics. It is a classy, classy place.

Consider, if you will, this example of statuary outside Caesar's Palace.

Is this a gryphon? My eldest says it's a Greek sphinx, traditionally depicted as a winged lion with a woman's head.

The Las Vegas version is traditionally depicted as a winged lion with the face of a cocktail waitress and stripper boobs.

Thank you. Thank you very much...

Well, I'm back. Whew.

I have had a peak life experience. From the Wikipedia entry:

"Peak experience is a term used to describe certain transpersonal and ecstatic states, particularly ones tinged with themes of unification, harmonization and interconnectedness. Participants characterize these experiences, and the revelations imparted therein, as possessing an ineffably mystical (or overtly religious) quality or essence."

Words can't describe it. But since I'm a talker, I'm sure I'll try. I have a few themes I plan to expound on in the coming days:

• Good casino smell
• The changing nature of food and alcohol in Las Vegas
• Mega casino theme confusion
• Who is this "Elvis", and what does he mean to us?
• The Hoover Dam is really, really big
• "Progress", very often, sucks

In addition, the brave new science of narcozoology might be about to expand. More on that later this week.

Thanks, everyone, for all the nice comments and good wishes. I wish you all could have been there Sunday. It was a blast.

Now, a few pictures.

This is me on stage at the Elvis pep rally Saturday afternoon at the race expo. The media director for the race got me up there with all the Elvettes (female running Elvi). Being one of the only non-jumpsuit Elvi paid off.

Here's a bunch of the Elvi mingling at the race expo:

This is the Elvismobile. It's a cart with loudspeakers powered by a car battery that plays Elvis tunes. Loudly. And it's got some horns, and a cooler with beer. A big contingent of the Elvi run along behind the Elvismobile.

That's all for tonight folks. Time for sleep.

Who's the big winner?

I am, that's who. And I hope MizBubs feels like a winner also.

Because when you're sitting in front of your Tiki Torch penny video slot machine watching it ring up your $26.00 win, while you're swilling down Jack Daniels that's been brought to you by a cocktail waitress whose breastuhses are pouring out of her dress, well, my friend...that's just about as good as it gets, isn't it?

Sunday evening cocktail

Here's the Sunday evening cocktail, courtesy of Paymon's Hookah Lounge. We stopped in for a nightcap after we at the best meal of our lives at Rosemary's.

Anyway, the drink is the Babylon Spice. MizBubs drank this one; it's loaded with coconut, ginger and mango flavors.

The half marathon went great. I set a new personal record for fastest time running in an Elvis costume.

I'll have more tomorrow. It took a while to get internet access here at the Luxor, which, sadly, is not as good as it used to be. I'll say this--running as one of the running Elvi was the best experience I've ever had running a big race, and I'd love to do it again. I've got a couple good stories to tell, but they're going to have to wait until I get home.

And they're off...

A journey of 13.1 miles starts with a single step.

The countdown continues...

I just finished my last training run, a quick 3 miler. The starting temperature was 29, and what kind of Chicagoan would I be if I didn't throw in the wind chill factor, huh? That made it feel like 19.

It felt good. For some reason this felt like a particularly powerful run. And why, I wondered, was that?
Was it the power of the Elvis hair (even if it was suppressed by a cap during the run)

Was it the powerful new tights?


Or, more likely, was it my good luck mutt, Duffy, who was waiting to see me when I got home?

Now it's time for laundry, some housecleaning and packing before the youngest gets home from school and MizBubs gets home from work. Then it's time to try on the full Elvis suit. I'm not sure if I'm ready for it yet.

TCB!

Counting down

Ok, so we didn't solve the murder we were working on yet...but we're going to. These things take time. Damn you, videotaped statements. I had hoped to be celebrating clearing that case before I headed for Las Vegas, but real life lately has frequently refused to adjust to my timetable. But that will not stop me from having a good time. No sir. Today is the first of 11 days away from work, and I aim to enjoy them all.

Middle age male vanity is a powerful and ridiculous force. Part of tonight was spent dying my hair in order to achieve the proper Elvis color for Sunday's run. MizBubs, girl dynamo, altered my gold lame jacket and got the sleeves to the proper length. I picked up some extra Body Glide at the running store this afternoon, and solved the pants problem. Pants problem? Yeah, it turns out that the gold lame pants that came with the jacket really aren't suited to running. MizBubs, girl genius, suggested that I hit the thrift shops and find some black pants to run in--turns out Elvis only wore the full lame suit a couple of times before ripping the pants, and most of the times he performed in the gold lame jacket he wore black pants as a result. I hit the jackpot--I found two pairs of black pants at the Wings resale shop! One is a comfortable loose-fitting old pair of shiny black dress pants, high-wasted and pleated, and the other is actually a pair of Nike black running pants. I have all day tomorrow to decide.

I went to the library and got some Elvis material for inspiration. While my hair turned color and MizBubs sewed her pretty fingers to the bone we watched the first two disks of Elvis--The Great Performances, which was chock-full of very cool early footage of the King.

And now it's time for bed.

TCB!

So many things

So many things to write about, and so little time, and so few remaining undamaged brain cells, to use to write about them...

For starters there was the whole MizBubs family early Thanksgiving the weekend of the 16/17/18: 20+ people for dinner, at the end of my 80+ hour week, while our upstairs bathroom was totally gutted. Good times. We kept the turkey fryer in storage and instead got a turducken through the mail from Prairieville, LA, which worked out great. Then, after gorging ourselves on turducken and beer, we got up and ran the Lincolnwood Turkey Trot (only the 5k) which has become kind of a tradition with us. Your humble author managed to log his best ever 5k time, but remains humble in the knowledge that, compared to fast people, I still run like I'm carrying a refrigerator on my back...

I was reminded of running because I just got a new set of running tights in the mail, piggybacked onto an order that MizBubs made from Sierra Trading Post. And get this--MizBubs has taken up running too!!!!!! I am a happy hillbilly. We have now become those freaks who you see running around in tights and fleece in freezing weather. Who would've thought?

Getting back to the bathroom...after having to call the installation department at Home Depot TWICE when the toilet backed up after the remodel was done, and finding that the contractors lost not one but TWO rags down the toilet stack, we are now enjoying the new bathroom. When I came in from running last night I finally took my first bath in the new, gloriously deep compared to what we used to have tub.

We have a ridiculously small bathroom, but at least now we have a nice ridiculously small bathroom:

It was very, very soothing. Our eldest now works at Lush, and brings us wonderful fragrant bath products. I myself was wonderful and fragrant by the time I came out of the tub.

While I'm showing y'all pictures of my house, I may as well show you the tiki bar. MizBubs found this on Ebay, and we had a nice road trip to Michigan a couple years ago to pick it up:



Here's a detail shot of the shelves behind the bar:

Ah well. I'm exhausted. Hopefully, in the next couple of days I'll have more.

On Saturday we leave for fabulous Las Vegas, and I plan on taking plenty of pictures and updating everyone from the Las Vegas Marathon.

Now I gots to sleep.

Plushie freak of the week

Southside bureau chief Dena stepped up again with this one, feeding me material while I was otherwise occupied:

Accused thief found with stuffed dog used for sex

Winnipeg police were called shortly before 6 p.m. on March 26 after a Chelsea Avenue resident spotted the man breaking into her garage. The man exited the garage a short time later and moved on to a neighbour's garage, where he stole a lawn mower, a mountain bike, a blanket and a stuffed toy dog.

The man eventually returned to the first garage, where police found him nearly two hours later passed out inside a boat.

"He was lying there with his genitalia exposed next to the stuffed dog," said Crown attorney John Peden. "While the police report doesn't describe it this way, the dog might be appropriately characterized as now being anatomically correct, as opposed to its condition before he removed it."

Oh, one more thing. Alcohol was involved.

OK, let's start getting in the Christmas spirit...

Rise and Shine!

Sorry for not stopping by and commenting on your blog; things continue at a furious pace around here, at home and especially at my job. At least we have a working shower again, and it's a darn fine one, too. The Las Vegas Marathon is next Sunday and I've barely prepared. My Elvis costume hangs in my closet, unpressed and unaltered. I promise that at some point before Christmas I'll return to our regular fare of freaks, perverts, clowns and animal attacks. Until then I'm just throwing up random videos and pictures in a desperate effort to hold on to some readership.

We've taken to listening to motivational speakers and inspirational music lately, just to keep us on track and moving forward.

I'd like to share some of that, so here it is, my gift to you this Monday morning.

Check out these enthusiastic swanky bastards. They're playing "Powerhouse" and swinging it pretty hard, I'd say.

Continuing our celebration of Thanksgiving...

...and wanting to continue the theme of pilgrims and Indians living in harmony, I bring you the rocking video "Apache". This was big in Denmark.

Happy Thanksgiving

Shock the clown

Alert South Side Bureau Chief Dena has informed me that former cop/counselor/daycare worker/minister/clown and noted downstate Illinois child molester A. Paul Carlock died in custody after being Taser'd by jail guards.

According to this story in the Springfield Journal-Register, Carlock had a pre-existing heart condition.

Carlock was better known as Klutzo the Clown.



He is now smoking a dog turd in hell.

Florida alligator takes a bite out of crime

UPDATE: Monday, November 19 at 6:45 AM

Poncho's dinner was officially identified as 36-year old Justo Padron. At the time of his unfortunate introduction to Poncho, Mr. Padron was wanted by police for violating his parole on a cocaine possession charge. Once again we see the cocaine/gator nexus at work. Say no to drugs and reduce your chances of suffering an alligator-involved demise.

______________________

Thank you, Florida.

Even at the end of an 80-hour week, with the turducken in the oven and 20 people coming for dinner in 5 hours, some stories are so important that you have to take a moment to inform the public.

Stories like this one:

Man killed by gator while fleeing police

This incident is an example of what some of us in law enforcement refer to as a twofer. Like a murder case where one criminal kills another--one bad guy removed from the street by killing, one by going to the penitentiary. In this case, one bad guy who clearly should not have been contributing to the gene pool based on his apparent inability to read numerous BEWARE OF ALLIGATOR signs before diving into a gator-infested retention pond, is dead. The man-eating gator was then also destroyed. Humankind gets a twofer.

The alligator, also known to local authorities for his aggressive behavior, was named "Poncho".

R.I.P. New Frontier Las Vegas

The second oldest hotel casino on the strip just bit the dust.

The New Frontier was imploded early Tuesday morning.

The New Frontier originally opened as the Last Frontier in 1942. It was owned at one time by Howard Hughes, and also, partially, by Steve Wynn.

It's demolition makes way for the development of even more high-end properties on the northern strip. Now only Circus Circus, Slots-A-Fun, the Riviera, The Stratosphere and The Sahara remain north of the Wynn.

You can check out Vegas Today and Tomorrow for some excellent information on all the changes.

Early morning checklist

Gun? Check.

Bourbon? Check.

Clown...clown?!

R.I.P. Stanley Stacharski

Stanley Stacharski died Friday at the age of 57, and he will be missed.

Mr. Stacharski was the owner of our beloved Hala Kahiki Lounge in River Grove, the most wonderful tiki bar in all of Chicagoland. He inherited the place from his parents, who founded the business about 40 years ago.

I'm in the mood for a night at the tiki bar. I especially like visiting there during the cold weather and sitting in the warm, dark tropical splendor while the snow falls outside.

Who's your repo daddy now?

That is one of the best lines I've heard in weeks.

I should be sleeping right now, getting enough rest and preparing for the work ahead. But no.

I'm sitting here watching late night tv. Watching ads for class outfits like Legal Helpers. In any event, I see clowns.

I just realized something

See those nacho chips? These are nacho chips from El Famous Burrito. I just noticed something about them.

If you get your nose really close to them, and take a good whiff, these nacho chips smell just like the food court at the Shelby County Flea Market in Simpsonville, Kentucky. Specifically, they smell just like the area around the booth bearing a sign saying, simply, "DEEP FRY".

I found that very comforting and nostalgic.

Germany or Florida: Post-Halloween Edition Answers

Time for some answers.

Congratulations to Katy and Doctor Monkey Von Monkerstein for their perfect scores!

I've noticed before that people tend to assign a story to Germany or Florida based on certain assumptions--for instance, stories involving cannibalism = Germany, stories involving tattoos = Florida. Very often this is true, at least anecdotally, and remember that in the bold and ever-expanding science known as narcozoology, anecdotal evidence is the most important kind.

Still, I have to confess. Usually stories contain some cultural clue that has to be withheld in order to make the game more competitive. I've listed the answers to each question in a link to the original news story. I've also listed any clue that, if given, would have clearly revealed the origin of the story.

1) A man was arrested after asking his new online buddy to help him kill someone for the purpose of having sex with the corpse (and no, it's not Wisconsin--there are no trick questions here)
Florida

2) A man passed out drunk on his way home from a Halloween party, in full zombie makeup. He was mistaken for a murder victim and police were called.
Germany
(*The man was passed out on a train. Germans ride trains. Floridians don't ride trains--they walk, or ride the bus, or steal a car.)

3) A child became entangled in his family's spider web decorations and was nearly strangled to death.
Florida


4) A man was caught trying to smuggle two large dildos, hidden in sausages, into Dubai.
Germany
(*Come on--the presence of sausage was a dead giveaway. Likewise, if it had been catfish, you woulda known it was Florida. Interestingly my eldest said that Dubai was the Germany indicator--she didn't picture anyone from Florida flying to Dubai.)

5) A man was arrested for placing his roommate in a headlock and biting off part of his ear.
Florida
(*911 was called by a neighbor who was out walking his pit bull. That is pure Florida there.)

6) Prison guards allowed two female inmates to wed each other in an elaborate ceremony featuring wedding rings fashioned from human hair and dental floss.
Florida
(*The guards were suspended for doing this. According to my eldest, the idea of a lesbian prison wedding sounded kind of like something that might be done in a progressive European nation. The fact that the participating guards were disciplined indicated that it happened here in the USA.)

Germany or Florida: Post Halloween Edition

It's hard to say goodbye to Halloween.

Once again I'm having that post-Halloween letdown. It's made a little easier by the knowledge that we're never more than a few days away from our next scary movie rental, and we can always stop and look at the Dia De Los Muertos stuff in our dining room.

Looking around this morning I saw that Kirby is experiencing those Halloween blues too, aggravated by a loss in her family and the wildfire evacuations and all...stop by and wish her well.

Mob has a horrid little video set to a horrorpunk song "1,000 Corpses", and Kim from A Sunny Thought has some nice stuff here if you don't feel like letting go yet.

There's a dozen things I should be doing, but I'm sitting on my ass swilling coffee, waiting for inspiration to strike.

_____________________

A quick round of Germany or Florida, now that's the ticket!

1) A man was arrested after asking his new online buddy to help him kill someone for the purpose of having sex with the corpse (and no, it's not Wisconsin--there are no trick questions here)

2) A man passed out drunk on his way home from a Halloween party, in full zombie makeup. He was mistaken for a murder victim and police were called.

3) A child became entangled in his family's spider web decorations and was nearly strangled to death.

4) A man was caught trying to smuggle two large dildos, hidden in sausages, into Dubai.

5) A man was arrested for placing his roommate in a headlock and biting off part of his ear.

6) Prison guards allowed two female inmates to wed each other in an elaborate ceremony featuring wedding rings fashioned from human hair and dental floss.

Leave your best guesses in the comments. Answers tomorrow.

Now, it's on to Thanksgiving...