Midweek Freak of the Week: first freak of the summer!

There are three freaks this week. Let's have a little contest, shall we?

Contestant number one hails from the Badger State. For some reason, not a single article I found mentioned this freak by name. But here's the story: a 27 year old man was arrested and found to be in possession of 1,500 pairs of girl's shoes. He stole the shoes from area schools because, as a police spokesman said, "he liked to smell them."

Contestant number two was very definitely identified after he got caught jerking off in a women's bathroom at the University of Arizona. And, uh, oh yeah--he turned out to be an FBI agent:

Ryan Seese, 33, was cited on suspicion of public sexual indecency, criminal trespassing and indecent exposure, said Sgt. Eugene Mejia, a University of Arizona Police Department spokesman.

Contestant number three is another unknown freak, and a Canadian! Perhaps our favorite Canadians Dale or Barbara might have some insight into this behavior; then again, it might be really scary if they do.

Police in Guelph, Ontario, are looking for a man who is approaching women and asking them to kick him in the groin. Two of the women reported that the man was riding a bicycle at the time, so maybe he wasn't really committed to getting kicked in the balls. Here's what caught my attention:

According to a police spokesperson, they want to find this freak not because he's actually committed a crime, but because "That kind of behavior tends to be a precursor to sexual assault." In my 19 years of police work, I've never seen nor heard of a sexual assault that starts off with the offender asking the victim to kick him in the balls, but then again, I've never worked sex crimes in Canada. Is it different up there?

Ninja gator

This is from south side bureau chief Dena:

Gator visits suburb

The struggle continues...

Nothing but class...

There I was, standing at ease waiting for the beginning of the Memorial Day ceremony. There were five of us, in our honor guard uniforms, representing the police department at the annual VFW commemoration. This was the first year the VFW invited us to participate in the ceremony itself. Our job was to fire a rifle volley before the playing of "Taps" at the end of the ceremony.

We had noted the advancing age of the veterans. Several of them were on oxygen or using walkers; almost all of them were markedly slowed by age. I turned to the officer next to me and said "that's us in another 40 years" and he answered something along the lines of "if we're lucky enough to make it that far." We had a short talk about the amazing things these men had accomplished in WWII and Korea, and what badasses they'd been as young men--Marines, paratroopers and Rangers.

At that point I said, with all respect, admiration and affection:

"Can you imagine how much ass those guys kicked and how many whores they banged back in the day?"

My friend's eyes got wide and his head jerked, briefly, to his right. He made the universal "you idiot shut up there's someone right behind you who can hear every ignorant thing you say" gesture. A few feet behind me was an older woman operating a video camera. Luckily we were standing next to a busy street, and she gave no indication of having heard me above the traffic noise.

Years from now that woman will gather her grandchildren, and play a video of her husband's final VFW ceremony. She'll pan the crowd before zooming in on grandpa standing proudly in his VFW cap and medals, flags snapping in the background.  Then a disembodied voice is going to pipe up in the background, loud and clear, talking about whores, and ruin the whole experience for everyone.

Memorial Day

In an hour I'll be going to work. Our honor guard has been invited by our local VFW to participate with them in a Memorial Day ceremony at our veteran's memorial. It is an honor.

One of the vets mentioned, candidly, that many of their members are getting too old to carry rifles or flags, and march. There are fewer of them, and it doesn't seem like veterans of the current conflict, or the Gulf War, have joined groups like the VFW at the rates that WWII and Korea vets did. Anyway, like I said, it's an honor. The VFW will present the colors, and our police honor guard will fire a rifle salute.

I'm always deeply moved, and mournful, on Memorial Day. I wish I were better with words; maybe then I could successfully convey the depth of my gratitude to our veterans, and the sense of loss we should all feel on a day like today. The Department of Defense, so far, has confirmed 3,441 deaths of American service men and women as I write this. There are 14 more reported deaths pending Department of Defense Confirmation.

This is what I wrote last year:

Memorial Day is there for a reason

I'll end this post the same way I ended that one:

I'll fight the urge to make an angry political statement here, and just ask that anyone who reads this spend a quiet moment, or say a short prayer, for the families and friends of the people who've given their lives for us.

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved, and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

—By John McCrae

I hated 1980

I got tagged by Johnny Yen, who asked a few of us to pick 5 songs from the year we turned 18 and get nostalgic over them.

The starting point for this exercise is a site called Pop Culture Madness.

Anyway, here are my five songs from 1980, and my nostalgic thoughts on each:

1) Escape (The Pina Colada Song) - Rupert Holmes
I hated this song. I hated everything about pop music in 1980. That's why I dressed funny and listened to punk rock.

2) Do That To Me One More Time - Captain & Tennille
I hated this song. I hated everything about pop music in 1980. That's why I dressed funny and listened to punk rock.

3) Sailing - Christopher Cross
I hated this song. I hated everything about pop music in 1980. That's why I dressed funny and listened to punk rock.

4) It's Still Rock and Roll to Me - Billy Joel
I hated this song. I hated everything about pop music in 1980. That's why I dressed funny and listened to punk rock. Where the fuck did Billy Joel get off even uttering the words "new wave"?

5) Funkytown - Lipps Inc.
I hated this song. I hated everything about pop music in 1980. That's why I dressed funny and listened to punk rock. At least I get to enjoy this song now, in an ironic way, after buying it as part of a compilation that I got for $6.99 at Target.

Anyone who wants to relive their glory days, consider yourself tagged.

Vigilant Californians halt gator advance!

Good news to report in the ongoing struggle against alligator attack!

Reconnaissance gator "Reggie", forward element of an invading army of dope-fueled stealth alligators headed for Los Angeles, was caught when he emerged from Lake Machado. Reggie had apparently turned soft from two seasons of easy living in southern California. Whether he was tempted by celebrity or merely the desire to look good, Reggie came out to get some sun and was promptly grabbed by wildlife officials who had gathered nearby to discuss how to capture him.

Reggie is shown here on his way to gator Gitmo. Hopefully the authorities in Los Angeles have access to skilled alligator whisperers to assist in the investigation.

Smart or stoopid?

This here quiz will let you know.

Have fun!

Good morning! It's time for another Random Ten!

Is This It—The Strokes

Ballad Of the Soldier's Wife—PJ Harvey

Steady As She Goes—The Raconteurs

That Old Black Magic—Louis Prima & Keely Smith

Crackity Jones—The Pixies

Everything You Can Think of is True—Tom Waits

Rebel Without a Pause—Public Enemy

Drain You—Nirvana

Feel Your Love Tonight—Van Halen

Draggin'—Curtis Gordon

Cicadas: no-show insect bastards

Well? Where are they? Huh?

Before and after

Other than the front porch, a few things are different. The leaves on the crabapple tree are no longer wilted and curled; it looks like we finally got rid of the apple scab that caused the leaves to wither and die off after the tree blossomed.

You can see a lot of the plants that we put in last year starting to come up. I wish I'd taken a photo a few weeks ago when all the daffodils were out. It was beautiful. The spice bush just left of the porch is filling in nicely, and the pagoda dogwood at the far left of the picture is doing well too. MizBubs can actually remember the names of all these plants, so if you got questions you're better off asking her. And, while the lawn may be patchy, it's not totally overrun with creeping charlie and dandelions like it was last year. It's all a work in progress.

If you're not creeped out, then I'm not doing my job

It's been a busy few days since returning from Florida. So many things going on, so much to write about, so little time to do it. We were lucky enough last week to finally participate in Johnny Yen's popular "Margarita Friday." Thanks to a 64 oz box of Fresh Island margarita mix on sale at Binny's Beverage Depot, and an unopened bottle of tequila that MizBubs found behind the tiki bar, "Margarita Friday" turned into "Margarita Saturday", followed closely by "Margarita Sunday".

Still, the weekend was productive. MizBubs and the girls spent the better part of the weekend working in the yard and garden. MizBubs, handiest gal in town, found the leak that was causing our pond to drain--thankfully it was a 2 inch split in the hose running from the pump up to the waterfall, so a pretty easy repair job, compared to tearing up several hundred pounds of concrete and stone. More on all that yard stuff later. Why?

Because now I'm here to talk about clown crime.

I didn't plan on blogging at all this week, but a couple of items jumped out at me and I felt compelled to bring them to your attention. Remember, it's almost Memorial Day, and that means that carnivals are on the move. And when the carny smells of deep fried fat, human sweat and cheap beer are in the air, the clown is close behind. Just as it is with alligators, the best defense against clown crime is constant vigilance!

A clown wearing a top hat robbed a Fredericksburg, Virginia CVS store of $6,000 worth of Oxycontin and Methadone.

Ronald Schroeder, better known as "Silly the Clown", is in custody in Waukesha, Wisconsin. He stands accused of raping his unconscious girlfriend. Silly took photos of the event, and when cops arrested him they also (surprise!) seized child porn on his computer. You can read the criminal complaint here. Alcohol was involved.

Schroeder should probably have called himself "Stalker the Clown" since he had two restraining orders filed against him in the past.

Schroeder's case involves computers, email and messaging. Is there a trend here? Remember, just a few weeks ago popular Colorado children's entertainer "Giggles the Clown" got arrested for using the internet to lure an underage sex partner.

Authorities in Tuscon, Arizona recently convicted half of a quartet of criminals known as the "Clown Robbers." A closer examination of this case, however, revealed that the offenders were not actually working clowns, but merely common criminals who wore clown disguises.

They're always watching

Saturday Morning Children's Hour

Hi! It's time for a special feature here at the Compound:

Saturday Morning Children's Hour!

Inspired by all the good cartoon programming on Saturday morning, I've decided to offer a nice, family-friendly bit of entertainment for readers with kids.

Today's feature is courtesy of Splotchy. Gather round for a poignant coming of age story that he posted on his blog recently. Without further ado, Sprawling Ramshackle Compound proudly presents

The Velveteen Cockroach

Human Fly

"We're the Cramps, and we're from New York City..."

Johnny Yen mentioned this video, shot at a mental hospital, in a comment on his blog. And then I realized I haven't put up any Cramps videos in a while. So here's a Cramps video:

On, Wisconsin!

Police in Fond du Lac, Wisconsin, arrested a man who claimed to be a werewolf:

39 year old Robert Marsh, recently released from jail, now returned, was charged with disorderly conduct, criminal damage to property, and criminal trespass. He also had a bag of weed on him; technically this story, then, does not fall in the category of "narcozoology", but rather an even more obscure science: narco-cryptozoology.

Police reported that Marsh spoke to them in "what sounded like a medieval sounding language." Since this occurred in Wisconsin, Marsh is fortunate that he didn't break into the apartment of a sword-wielding RenFaire freak.

And, once again, since it is Wisconsin, we should be grateful that the werewolf inside Robert Marsh's head wasn't a necrophiliac.

Friday Random Ten: It's good to be home edition

Mon Legionnaire—Edith Piaf

Smokestack Lightning—The Yardbirds

Yeah, I'm Movin'--Jimmy Patton

Clampdown—The Clash

King of the Surf—The Trashmen

Whip It—Devo

Hep Cat—Larry Terry

Warrior—Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Frankly Mr. Shankly—The Smiths

Take Me Home With You, Baby—Jessie Mae Hemphill

Florida was OK, I guess...

Florida will not destroy me

The Waffle House around the corner from my hotel is full of rock slingers and rednecks, and their grits were lumpy. The wildfires have created a "smoke layer" that the pilot has to warn you about as you approach Jacksonville, so that you don't panic if you smell smoke in the cabin as the plane descends. I discovered that, when you see a sign at the beach that warns you not to swim because of "dangerous rip tides" and the wind is 30 mph, it's a good idea not to swim.

None of this matters; Florida will not destroy me.

I've been on the ground since 7:30 EST Sunday night. The wildfires have apparently driven the alligators deeper into their swamp dens--I didn't have to drive over a single one in the hotel parking lot, or on my way to meet the client. I almost feel cheated. Normally the gators are scampering around down here like squirrels in Grant Park.

I just finished the second night of surveillance and I'm sneaking in a quick post while I finish my beer. Then it's nap time, and then back to interview some people for the rest of the work day. I think I've successfully killed off whatever circadian rhythm I had left.

On a positive note, I had a great shack dining experience at Singletons: a great meal of raw oysters and fried sheephead, washed down with a cheap longneck beer. Singleton's is right next to the 1A ferry landing, next to the Navy base. The pelicans kept me company. Pelicans are regal birds; regal and ridiculous at the same time, which is cool. I got to see the absolute frenzy that hundreds of gulls and pelicans flew into when some shrimping boats came in. Amazing.

Another positive: I found out that, after 1am, I got really good reception for WSM Nashville. I gotta tell you, it's pretty cool to be up all night in a creepy industrial area, sitting alone in your car waiting for something to happen, with old-time hillbilly music as your soundtrack. When the train whistle sounded down the road it created a perfect moment. Made me wish I smoked cigarettes and wore a fedora so I could've felt more like Robert Mitchum.

I better get some sleep.

Mothers Day Bacon

Hey you.

Be a good sport and fix up some meat products for mom. She'll thank you for it!

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mothers Day to all you moms out there.

I know I promised Coaster Punchman some dead mother-in-law stories today, but I've had a last minute job come up and I'm leaving for sunny Florida this afternoon. As of right now, the trip is not alligator-related, but we all know that can change in a heartbeat. If I have some down time at the fabulous traveling bidnessman's hotel where I'm staying, I'll try to post something.

And the rest of you? Listen, if your mother's still around, give her a call. She misses you.

Lucky Friday Random Ten

Today ended much better than it started--surprisingly well, in fact. I got home and hit the shuffle and here's what came up:

Rock and Roll—The Velvet Underground

Sweet Jane—Gang of Four

I Can't Stand Up For Falling Down—Elvis Costello

Remember Me—Willie Nelson

My Tornado—The Raveonettes

James Bond Theme—Moby

Fujyama Mama—Wanda Jackson

Thunderbird—The Casual-Aires

I'm Sticking With You—The Velvet Underground

A Brand New Me—Dusty Springfield

No margaritas today, but I picked up a case of Bass Ale from Costco on sale for $9.95 and I'm sitting here getting a good beer buzz on watching Suddenly, Last Summer with MizBubs, our eldest and eldest's boyfriend. It's a good night.

I hope y'all have a great weekend!

Amputee criminals I have known

I could see that losing a couple of limbs at a young age could make you angry as hell. Take a look at Michael Wiley's mug shot and you can see the classic white trash criminal look--that sullen awareness that somehow you've been screwed, badly, in ways you're only dimly aware of, you're pissed off about it, and you no longer really give a shit. You've lost the normal person's instinct for self-preservation, and you'll do all kinds of crazy reckless shit just to prove a point.

I'd make Wiley for a wife beater if he had arms to beat her with. There's a unique combination of self-perceived victimhood, resentment and anger; you see it a lot in white trash criminals.

The reason I mention this is that Michael Wiley is not the first amputee criminal I've heard of. Matter of fact, we arrested an amputee years ago in the process of committing a residential burglary. Let's call him "Hooks."

Hooks is his actual street name. He's a gang member and is well known on the northwest side of Chicago; his younger brother is in prison for murder. Hooks lost both his arms up to the elbows in an incident involving electric wires. I've heard different versions, but all of them involved his fleeing from police as a youngster. He received a large settlement as a result of his injuries. Hooks got a lump sum and then a series of monthly payments of $5,000, and he bought a house just off Devon Avenue. For a long time his mom and dad lived there, even though they were divorced, because neither one of them wanted to move away from the cash cow that was their son. I had a sheepish moment when we served the search warrant at his house--I forgot to bring the copy of the warrant that you're supposed to give the homeowner when you kick their door in. I had to run back to the station and grab the copy while my coworkers searched the home.

Anyway, at the time we got him he had a pretty good heroin habit, and he was doing residential burglaries pretty frequently. Our guys caught him coming out of a house, and one of my fellow detectives freaked out when he went to grab him and handcuff him, and found only stubs. They ended up binding his stumps to his body with a belt, and attaching manacles to his ankles.

Hooks was well-known for his ability to hot-wire cars with his stumps, and his ability to work the slide on, and fire, semi-auto pistols. When I talked to him I asked him why, with his money, he didn't just head for some beach in Mexico and hang out drinking and getting hummers from some good looking girl. He didn't know why he didn't. He bragged that he'd done dozens of burglaries before the one he got locked up for.

I'm pretty sure he's fathered some kids since then.

Last I heard of him, he's living with the widowed mother of a fellow gang member, a friend of his, who lives in our town. Side note: the friend died of an overdose in the house a few years ago. Before that Hooks' friend had committed a sexual assault there. So far four people have died in that house--grandma of natural causes, dad (hanging suicide in the garage) a fellow gang member who overdosed on heroin, and then the friend. I think Hooks has a pit bull now, and one of our officers saw him riding a scooter down the street a few months ago. The scooter kept stalling because Hooks was having a hard time working the throttle with his nubs.

It's not always Germany or Florida. Sometimes it's right here at home.

Florida cops finally catch fugitive driver

Police were initially stumped by his disappearance, but they caught up with him eventually.

You can read about him here.

Something nice for a Thursday morning

A little something for you Who fans, courtesy of Sir Tom Jones:

Coaster Punchman reveals the man behind the myth

I've gone interview happy.

A couple of weeks ago bombshell CPS teacher Lulu interviewed me, giving me a welcome chance to talk about myself.

Now I get the chance to entertain questions from urban sophisticate Coaster Punchman, the interweb's best-loved strategic sales executive. It's a classic confrontation: a slick member of the east coast elites grilling a simple middle-American cop. C.P. has been busy lately, fielding questions from Beth, Lulu and Melinda June. But he's a multi-tasker, and he's found the time in his busy schedule to send me these questions:

1. Put the following breaches of public decorum in order of how much they annoy you. Compare/contrast.
1. Littering
2. Cutting in line
3. Graffiti (the illegal kind)
4. Spitting on the sidewalk
5. Honking unnecessarily
6. Improper attire (e.g. flip flops at a funeral, or being naked from the waist down while pleasuring oneself in one’s car.)

1-Littering
2-Improper attire
3-Cutting in line
Honking unnecessarily
Graffiti
Spitting on the sidewalk

Littering just pisses me off to no end. It's like a big f*ck you to the whole world, the self-centered desire to have someone else pick up after you writ large. A very close second is improper attire. I remember the days when people dressed up to travel by airplane. I think we all looked classier then. I refuse to own a velour track suit even for joke value. It bugs me to go to a swanky restaurant and see guys sitting there in baseball hats. Don't get me started on fannypacks. The only time a fannypack is permissible is if you're using it to conceal a handgun. I'm also tired of seeing people shamble into church on Sunday wearing short pants and carrying their Starbucks. In my opinion you owe it to the people around you to look as nice as you can.

Cutting in line follows at a distance; it still represents a lack of courtesy, but so many people are driven to distraction by their frantic schedules that they may not notice how rude they're being. The rest are just nuisances, and the person spitting on the sidewalk might be doing it as part of a ritual to ward off a hex, or the evil eye. Can't get mad at that.

2. You are obviously an excellent writer. Do any of your law enforcement friends possess a similar ability to string multiple sentences together in such an entertaining manner? And would you let any of them read your blog?

You are a world class flatterer, aren't you? Other than reports, I've never seen any writing samples from my coworkers. Most of them are excellent conversationalists, though. We spend a lot more time talking than writing.

I haven't shown anyone at work my blog, but it wouldn't bother me if they found it. While I'm not that concerned with concealing my identity, I make a point not to mention my department by name. You never know who's going to take offense, and there have been multiple cases around the country of cops getting disciplined for material they put on their personal web pages. I've never compromised anyone's privacy on here, or mentioned case specifics, so I think I'd be ok.

3. Judy or Barbra?

Judy. Her life was a glorious train wreck; Barbra bores me. Plus, as a young woman, MizBubs bore a more than passing resemblance to the young Judy Garland.

4. Setting aside for a moment the fact that you met a wonderful woman, married her and had lovely children, tell us about one or two of the happiest moments in your life. (Meeting your spouse, marrying her and having kids are out because those answers would be too obvious.)

I've never settled for the easy answers, CP, and I'm glad you don't either.

I thought of a few moments, and checked them with my family to make sure that my happiness was not just in my head, but was visible to others. Here they are, in no particular order:

-When I finished my first Chicago Marathon in 1999. I can't describe the absolute rush that was for me, a 37 year old, overweight, cigar smoking asthmatic with an arthritic knee, to complete that. Granted, I ran like I had a piano on my back, but I finished upright and still running.

-When MizBubs' birth mother died on my birthday in 2001. She was truly one of the worst people I've ever met in my life (and I'm including my professional life). To give you an idea of how bad she was, one of her sons sidled up to me the day of the funeral and said "so, a guy couldn't ask for a better birthday present, huh?" Seriously, though, her passing lifted a dark cloud over our entire extended family, and I was happy to see it.

-When I'm traveling, seeing places I've never been before, especially if I'm outside in a wild place.


5. If you could choose one thing about the world that you would change, what would it be and why?

You know, I've never even thought of that. I suppose I'd like to take all of our cumulative knowledge, save it, and then turn back the clock to the mid-1800's. Hopefully we'd behave better and ravage our earth less if we had a second chance.

Wait. Does that count as more than one thing?

Polly wanna double down?

Las Vegas has been in the news the past couple of days and it's driving me nuts. I'll explain why in a little bit.

My sister in law Kate clued me in to the story about Dusty the African Grey who left Michigan and ended up in Las Vegas, baby! Dusty went missing in September 2006, and turned up at Nellis AFB on April 21. Our parrot Barney never gave us an excuse to go to Las Vegas; he just screamed and bit MizBubs in the face until we had to give him away.

Uglier news from Las Vegas: the murder of a hot dog vendor in the Luxor parking garage. There were multiple law enforcement spokesmen reassuring us that THIS WAS NOT TERRORIST RELATED. NOPE. NO REASON FOR THE TOURISTS TO WORRY. This story jumped out at me because the Luxor has been the scene of some of my favorite Las Vegas adventures.

Chris Albrecht, chairman of HBO, got arrested at the MGM Grand right after a title fight. A championship boxer died in a motorcycle crash.

But here's the really important news about Las Vegas: I'm not going there this month. My friend and I were all set to head out there in a couple weeks to help run security for a big-ass convention. A couple weeks ago we found out that the client wanted to cut some fat from their security budget, and we were the fat. In one stroke I was cheated out of an 8-night trip to Las Vegas and several thousand dollars.

Dang. It would've been so cool. I would've been so cool. It would have been just like this video:

I'm hungry

Now this is tasty.

I got tagged by Johnny Yen, so now you can add me to this latest interwebs rage. I'll let this copy/pasted text explain how it works:

1. Add a direct link to your post below the name of the person who tagged you.
Include the city/state and country you’re in.

Nicole (Sydney, Australia)
velverse (Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia)
LB (San Giovanni in Marignano, Italy)
Selba (Jakarta, Indonesia)
Olivia (London, England)
ML (Utah, USA)
Lotus (Toronto, Canada)
tanabata (Saitama, Japan)
Andi (Dallas [ish], Texas, United States)
Lulu (Chicago, Illinois, United States)
Chris (Boyne City, Michigan, United States)
AB (Cave Creek, Arizona, United States)
Johnny Yen (Chicago, Illinois, USA)
Bubs (Mt Prospect, Illinois, USA)

2. List out your top 5 favorite places to eat at your location.

3. Tag 5 other people (preferably from other countries/states) and let them know they’ve been tagged.

________________________________

I was telling Johnny that I wish I'd been tagged like this about 20 years ago, because I would have had a lot more interesting places to list. Ask me about my favorite places to eat in New Orleans, or Las Vegas or San Antonio or the Florida Keys, and I could give you a few good answers; it's just that now we don't go out to eat all that much. We love food, but we get more pleasure out of cooking with our family than we do from dining out. I do have a few places I can mention. Here goes...if you ever find yourself in the dining Sahara that is the northwest suburbs, you should be able to strap on a good feedbag at these spots:

1) Sushi Ai
This is an unexpected treat on Euclid Avenue in Palatine. The place is tucked, unassumingly, into a strip mall, next to a Dominicks. The owners were involved with Starfish in Chicago, though, and once you walk inside the vibe is urban--warm wood, cool design and techno music. The food is outstanding and cheaper than you'd pay at the same place in a hipster neighborhood in Chicago. The staff is really nice.

2) Wholly Frijoles
Now this is a place I'm reluctant to even mention. The food is spectacular, it's in a tiny space, they don't take reservations and it's nearly always packed. It's on Touhy Avenue in Lincolnwood. Outside of Rosario's in San Antonio this is the best Mexican food I've ever had. They guy who owns it used to be a chef at the Pump Room. This time of year you can see people sitting outside in white plastic lawn chairs waiting to get in. It's BYOB, so if you grab a six pack you can have a beer or two while you wait and then drink the rest with dinner.

3) Gail's Carriage Inn
My favorite breakfast place. We found it when we first moved out here, and it's a sentimental choice; still, the food is great. They recently moved to an address on Elmhurst Road in Des Plaines (a casualty of Mount Prospect's "downtown" redevelopment) but I'm happy to report the food is at least as good as before, maybe better. Try a "spuds" omelette totally encased in hash browns.

4) Alt Thai
Another unexpected gem. This is in Arlington Heights in one of those suburban commercial developments that's meant to look like (and usually fails to look like) a city environment. You'll smell this place from a half block away as you walk up--competing aromas of charcoal, cilantro, Thai curries and hints of fish sauce and coffee. It's a cool space inside, and it's surprisingly inexpensive.

5) La Tasca
I remember eating at some tapas restaurants in Chicago in the early 90's, and I loved the idea of it. All those little dishes, shared with your companions, washed down with a lot of tasty Spanish red wine. I didn't even know La Tasca was there until some friends invited us, and now La Tasca is one of our favorite places to relax and eat just the right amount of garlicky, olive-oil laden treats. They've got a great, reasonably-priced wine selection too.

Hmmm...I want to hear about some food I can't walk to, so I tag Jin, my sister-in-law Kate, Splotchy, Mob and Barbara.

I'm not a ghoul, I'm a businessman

This week is starting off pretty damn good, thank you. We got a satisfying amount of work done in the yard and my youngest daughter resolved some boyfriend issues (and when she suffers, we all suffer, believe me.)

A couple days ago I got this in the mail from Lulu, a bit of local news:

4 skulls plus 1 pot add up to hot water

Local drag performer, puppeteer and artist JoJo Baby was looking to buy some vintage mannequins when he freaked out at the sight of human skulls boiling in a pot and notified the authorities.

Ultimately the police determined that the man obtained the skulls legally from some bone supplier in China.

With so much cool stuff happening in this big ol' world of ours this blog practically writes itself.

What? Huh? I got something in my ear!

Sure, he's smiling now.

Because that little plastic jar holds the two dead spiders that were removed from inside his ear.

A big, BIG thank you to Melinda June for helping me start the week off right!

On the cutting edge of pointless information

I am in awe of sites like BoingBoing that have the ability to constantly find interesting stuff from around the world. If my monkey-training experiment grant money ever comes through, I might have the technical capability to run a blog like that some day. Frequently I get excited about finding something interesting that I want to share with everyone, only to find out (like with Alexyss K. Tylor) that I'm about two weeks behind the rest of the interwebs.

Sometimes, though, I do get satisfaction from being ahead of the curve. That happened twice in one day yesterday. Yesterday was a great day--I dragged my ass out of bed and made it to the Saturday morning training run with the Alpine Runners in Lake Zurich. Later on in the day we attended a combination Cinco de Mayo and birthday party for Splotchy's youngest son, and finished by stopping by the Sand Bar Tiki Lounge in Brookfield.

Anyway, I'm driving home from my run, listening to NPR. Weekend Edition ran an interview with Daniel Wilson, author of a new book titled Where's My Jetpack? A Guide to the Amazing Science Fiction Future that Never Arrived. I see that Mr. Wilson's book was published on April 17 2007, so I'll graciously assume that he had the majority of it written before I posted this, or this, or finally, this piece about the Bell Rocket Belt. And another thing--I think "future that never arrived" sounds suspiciously close to "future the way it used to be." But like I said, I'm gracious, and I wish Mr. Wilson success with his book.

Here's the second incident: after making a run to Costco, I put on CNN hoping to catch up on some news before leaving for the birthday party. The news wasn't on, but I did catch a segment called "In the Money"; during this segment they talked with author Robert Sutton about his book The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn't.

Here's what the hosts said in the lead-in to the interview:

ROMANS: The title of a new book by Robert Sutton includes a seven-letter word --

VELSHI: Which I taped over.

ROMANS: That management won't let us say on TV and we probably shouldn't say. We don't want to say it anyway.

VELSHI: Right as long as we don't want to say it while the TV's rolling, but the word starts with an a and ends with somebody wanting to put their fist through the wall.

ROMANS: It is causing a buzz; nonetheless, author Robert Sutton joins us. Welcome to the program. ...

"Causing a buzz" CNN? Causing a buzz?!? The book was published in February 2007, but if anyone at CNN had done proper research by reading this blog they would have learned about Mr. Sutton's important work back in November 2006. I even followed up the initial post with a Monday Morning Asshole Update.

There you have it folks. Enjoy your day!

Weekend clown update

'Giggles The Clown' Jailed On Sex Charges

He listed his occupation as a clown and said he was "just clowning around till I find what I'm looking for."

Celebrating one year of sprawling, ramshackle goodness

One year ago today I posted my very first blog entry. I followed up the next day by posting what has become (judging from my Site Meter) one of the most popular gut pictures on the interwebs.

This time last year I was moping around the house, recovering from an emergency abdominal surgery. My daughters, who were both having fun with xanga and myspace, encouraged me to start a blog. Now, here we are: 598 posts, 1,181 profile views and 10,887 visitors later.

My life is significantly different now than it was then. Most notably, I'm healthy. We're no longer homeschooling our girls, and the pace of our family life has accelerated beyond anything I imagined back then. MizBubs reentered the full-time workforce. I've experienced a shift in how I think about work; I'm now focused on retiring in 3-5 years.

Why did I start this? The short answer is because, as my youngest daughter puts it, I am "blabberous." I'm driven to talk.

I probably could've been a writer, but here's the thing. Rather than organize my thoughts and put them in words, and then put those words on paper, I'd rather have a few drinks and sit around and bullshit with you.

We've been lucky to meet three lovely, really cool people in real life after reading their words on a computer screen: Lulu, Tenacious S and Johnny Yen. One of MizBubs' relatives has recently started blogging, and Splotchy is now one of the first blogs I check every day. I get excited every time I see that somebody in China or Saudi Arabia or France or Malaysia has somehow stumbled onto my blog. I like to think that each post is like a message in a bottle, thrown out into the surf for some stranger to find, maybe years from now.

Friday Random Ten: Homecoming Edition

Well, the Illinois Police Officers Memorial was a great and humbling experience. Our honor guard performed admirably, the guys all looked sharp...but Springfield still sucks. More on that later.

I got back to the office around 4pm. We only had one detective working last night and he'd just gotten stuck with two reports on some idiot who repeatedly called his baby mama at work, threatening to kill her and blow up her employer. Guy's been arrested 35 times, so someone had to go looking for him. I volunteered to go along, after having been up since 5:30am, standing in formation at parade rest and attention for several hours, and driving 3 + hours back from Springfield. I finally made it home close to 9, where I collapsed into the loving embrace of MizBubs.

Here's what came up on the party shuffle this morning:

Adrenochrome—The Sisters of Mercy

Bertha Lou—Johnnie Faire

That Certain Female—Charlie Feathers

Ruf Aus Der Gruft—Kurt Weill

Eve White, Eve Black—Siouxsie & the Banshees

Slicker Drips—White Stripes

Have a Good Life Baby—Dusty Springfield

Tico Tico—Don Swan & His Orchestra

Foxy, Foxy—Rob Zombie

Burning Down the House—Tom Jones (with the Cardigans)

Alexyss Tylor DANCE REMIX!

I know what you're thinking. If Alexyss Tylor talking about Vagina Power is cool, the dance remix will be even cooler.

Go on. I dare you to try and get it out of your head once you hear it.

Alligators: wily, kill-crazy...and resilient

I need to adjust the alligator early-warning system here at the compound. This story has been on the wires since 8:22 pm CST on April 30, but I just found it this morning. Please accept my sincere apology for not getting this vital information to you sooner.

According to this story in the L.A. Times, Reggie the alligator has reappeared in Lake Machado. Efforts to catch Reggie in 2005 fell apart after self-described gator expert T-Bone Quinn of Louisiana referred to the team from Gatorland as "retarded." Ted Williams, leader of Team Gatorland, responded as Team Gatorland quit the project:

"I will not allow some swamp rat to walk into a situation and make comments…. I am not going to allow Gatorland to be referred to as 'retarded.' "

T-Bone's victory over Team Gatorland was short-lived. He was later arrested for violating his probation in Louisiana.

As if the incompetence and fractiousness of the so-called "experts" brought in to catch the gator wasn't discouraging enough, even worse news comes later in the article: the explosive revelation that alligators have compromised certain members of the law enforcement community!

Yeah, you heard me right. Former LAPD Officer Todd Natow, after raising Reggie to fighting size in a backyard pool, dumped him in Lake Machado. And guess what? DRUGS WERE INVOLVED!!!

Todd Natow, who left LAPD after 17 years of service (and let me tell you, that is a BIG red flag right there--a cop who "leaves" three years short of being able to collect a pension) was arrested in 2005 when police raided his house and found marijuana, alligators, piranhas and a rattlesnake.

Wake up Los Angeles! Effective law enforcement has possibly stopped the northward march of the gator army in places like New York and Massachussets. Your sunny clime and a corrupt cop have opened you up as the next logical target.

Watch the lakes...watch the lakes! And I'm going on the record as saying my services are available for a very reasonable price.

Headed down to Springfield

In a few hours I'll be driving down to Springfield to participate in the 2007 Illinois Police Memorial. The memorial is dedicated to Illinois police officers who have died in the line of duty.


In 2006, eight police officers in Illinois died in the line of duty. The first six officers all died from vehicle-related causes (Chambers and Gibbons were both killed by drunk drivers) and the last two officers, Cook and Wood, were both basically assassinated while sitting in their squad cars.

I encourage you to read a little about each of these individual officers, and please remember that for every Anthony Abbate there are tens of thousands of men and women who would willingly give their lives without hesitation to help another human being.

The links below are from the Officer Down Memorial Page:

Officer James Knapp, Cook County Sheriff's Police

Officer Eric Solorio, Chicago Police Department

Deputy Sheriff Elizabeth Edwards, Hardin County Sheriff's Office

Officer Jeremy Chambers, Cahokia Police Department

Sergeant Rodney Miller, Illinois State Police

Chief Deputy Brian Gibbons, Calhoun County Sheriff's Office

Officer Thomas Cook, Metra Police Department

Officer Thomas Wood, Maywood Police Department


Nationally, about half of all line-of-duty deaths are vehicle related--officers killed in crashes or struck by vehicles.

May 13-19 is National Police Week, and May 15 is Peace Officers Memorial Day. I'll probably talk some more about that in the next week or two.

_______________________________________

Springfield is not my favorite place to visit. There are no riverboat casinos (there's no river.) The one strip club is part of an overpriced franchise; it just seems to lack that locally-owned, independently run sincerity. And the food choices in town are limited, at least in my experience. The first time I was there everyone kept telling me to try the famous local dish, the "horseshoe." I did, and was not impressed--the "horseshoe" consisted of a badly-cooked hamburger served open-faced, with a bunch of standard frozen french fried piled on top, and the whole affair was smothered with some type of Velveeta-based cheese sauce.

So look, I believe that every place must have some redeeming feature, some hidden greasy spoon or dive bar that can provide the perfect low-end dining moment, and I resolved not to have another bad dining experience on this trip.

I reached out to prominent Springfield native Splotchy, and he agreed to help me out. I learned that Springfield claims to be birthplace of the corn dog, so with any luck I'll be taking a little bite of deep-fried history later tonight. He also pointed me toward a good barbecue place, so I got choices. Thanks, Splotchy!

May 1st

Be proud, fellow midwesterners: it all started here in Chicago on May 1, 1886. The start of the 8-hour day movement, now observed all over the world as International Workers Day.

Today's a good day to visit the Haymarket martyrs monument in Forest Home Cemetery if you've got the time.