How to deal with an annoying fellow passenger

Ever get stuck next to someone on a train, bus or airplane, and that person just really bugs you? Thanks to the wonders of forwarded email, here's a way of dealing with them. It only works if you have a laptop computer with you.

1) Open your laptop case and remove the computer.

2) Position the computer so that your fellow passenger can clearly see the screen.

3) Close your eyes, tilt your head toward the sky, and mumble under your breath.

4) Then open this link.

Let the good times roll.

The Alligator Connection

As our society falls apart and descends into a George Romero-esque nightmare of alligator attacks and vigilante violence, remember that you heard about it here, first. Our experts have been examining the connection between alligator attacks and crack cocaine for some time, and now we have a frightening new development to report.

Police in Fitchburg, Massachusetts, while executing a search warrant, found a kill-crazy alligator guarding a stash of 56 grams of crack cocaine. Granted, the alligator was only 2 feet long, and confined in a filthy tank full of stagnant water, but don't be fooled--this was undoubtedly part of some fiendishly clever lizard plot that we just haven't figured out yet.

Was the dealer using the alligator to guard the cocaine? Was the alligator using the dealer to lure crackheads within range for an easy gator meal? How did the alligator get as far north as Massachusetts? Is there, like, an underground railroad for alligators based on urban northeastern sewer systems? So many questions, so little bourbon.

Armed America

I feel left out. We missed the road tour, and our family portrait won't appear in the upcoming book.

Here's a quote from Anthony, pictured at right:

"I own a gun because I'm a f*ckin' American and a Marine. It's my God-given right."

Amen, brother.

On a side note, I had no idea that so many tattooed hipsters owned guns.

Attack of the moose head

I imagine this as something like the scene from Evil Dead II when all the mounted animal heads mock the hero. Only in this case, the moose head decided to forgo the mocking, and just jumped off the wall, braining our victim:

Woman sues PSU over loose moose head.

Like Christmas in January

One thing I really like is ordering stuff online, and then coming home from work to find packages recently arrived, waiting for me on the dining room table. It's exciting!

Anyway, this was a busy week. I spent the past 5 days in a class on dignitary protection. Ever wonder how to redirect the target of gunfire and push him headfirst into a waiting limo? We learned how to do stuff like that. The course culminated in a 10 hour long exercise wherein we protected our two "dignitaries" (a judge and our Chief of Police) who were the targets of death threats from a white supremacist group. We went to Midway airport (where we got to drive out onto the tarmac to pick up our principals, jets roaring overhead), the Bilandic building on LaSalle Street, Tavern on Rush, back to the Bilandic building, and then to the United Center for a Blackhawks game. I have a newfound awe and respect for agencies like the Secret Service and the US Marshall who do this all the time.

So, Thursday night I got home and found two boxes on the dining room table. You see the contents in this picture. I finally broke down and bought a basic notebook computer, and I'm excited about that--now I'll be one of those slick bullshit artists with a Power Point presentation ready for any occasion. It's a Compaq from Office Depot, and once I send in these rebates it will have cost me $499.

The other box did not, sadly, contain a firearm. But it did contain a new holster: a Blackhawk CQC Serpa holster for my Glock 26. What a great holster--it came with attachments for wearing on a belt (which is what you see here) as well as a "paddle" attachment for inside-the-belt wear.

It's nice to be well-equipped.

Friday Random Ten: Late and Loud

Bela Lugosi’s Dead—Bauhaus

Pinion—Nine Inch Nails

Boom, Boom, I’m Gonna Shoot You Down—John Lee Hooker

How Could I Be Such a Fool—Frank Zappa

Porky In Wackyland—Carl Stalling

Too Much Monkey Business—The Yardbirds

Run Run Run—The Velvet Underground

Night of the Living Rednecks—Dead Kennedys

Going Down Slow—Howlin’ Wolf

Hoist That Rag—Tom Waits

It wouldn't let go!

The American can-do spirit in action:

`It wouldn't let go!'

Wife uses pen, branch to fight off mountain lion attacking husband


And the woman in the story is 65 years old. Take that, forest predators.

Happy Birthday Eskimo Pie!

One of my favorite websites is the New Orleans Menu, run by New Orleans food writer Tom Fitzmorris. Over the years I've found lots of great N.O. restaurants that, as a guy from Chicago, I probably wouldn't have found otherwise. He's got an email list that I subscribe to, the New Orleans Menu Daily, where he sends out restaurant reviews, recipes, and random thoughts and factoids about food.

Thanks to Mr. Fitzmorris I found out that today is the birthday of the Eskimo Pie. And guess what, fellow midwesterners? The Eskimo Pie originated in Iowa! Yes, Iowa's not just about corn and soy and pigs, it can also be about tasty chocolate-covered ice cream on a stick.

Eskimo Pies were originally sold by a fellow named Christian Nelson, in 1920, under the name "I-Scream Bars." The name Eskimo Pie was recommended by Mrs. Stover after Nelson cut a deal with Russel Stover Candies on this date in 1922.

The Smithsonian has the entire history of the Eskimo Pie here.

Today is also the birthday of canned beer. The Gottfried Kreuger Brewing Company of Newark New Jersey first sold their Finest Beer and Cream Ale on this date in 1935.

Miracle of science: virgin births for lizards

MANCHESTER, England (AP) -- A British zoo on Wednesday announced the virgin birth of five Komodo dragons, giving scientists new hope for the captive breeding of the endangered species.



Please, God, don't let the alligators find out about this.

Monday freak grab bag

Get a load of this first story, courtesy of my eldest daughter. 29 year old Neil Havens Rodreick II tried to enroll in middle school, posing as a 12 year old. It gets better. Neil was living with two men who apparently believed him to be a 12 year old boy; one of them, the hilariously named Lonnie Stiffler, presented himself to school officials as Neil's grandfather. Oh, and Neil is a convicted sex offender, and cops arrested his former Oklahoma cell-mate when they raided his house. This story is like, a 6-layer cake of wrong.

Moving right along, Bawb the Revelator, head of this blog's Dream City bureau, tipped me to a strange incident at the Atlanta airport. I'll let the headline of this next story speak for itself:

CDC Adviser Arrested for Urinal Incident

One wonders if there's some type of Joycelyn Elders defense for government officials caught in such circumstances.

Hot Dog

I have got to train my dogs to do this:

One angry leopard

I'd bet he was pissed off at his tech support. Read the story here.

Friday Random Ten: Pre-dawn edition

Rattlesnake Daddy—Joe D. Johnson

Sunglasses After Dark—Dwight Pullen

Misery is the River of the World—Tom Waits

A Foggy Day—Frank Sinatra

Smokestack Lightnin’—Howlin’ Wolf

Ace of Spades—Link Wray

Hung My Head—Johnny Cash

James Bond Theme—Monty Norman Orchestra

Big Spender—Peggy Lee

Whipped Cream—Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass

Germany or Florida?

A couple of years ago I was listening to Loveline on my way home from work, and I heard Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew playing a game called "Germany or Florida." The game consisted of callers reading bizarre news items, and having Carolla and Dr. Drew guess whether the story originated in Germany or Florida.

While checking the news this morning I ran across a couple of stories that reminded me of this, and I thought, why not share?

So, here's my gift to you today: I've found a few items, all from Germany or Florida, and I'm giving them to you. The weekend is coming, and nothing says boozed-up fun like a few rounds of Germany or Florida with your friends and family.

A) Breeder of fat rabbits (pets or meat?) makes deal to set up a rabbit ranch to feed North Koreans

B) Man suspends wife from tree and rapes her to film bondage porn video

C) Mr. Kraus gets arrested for yanking boys' pants down

D) Plastic surgeon gives cops pictures of breasts so they can track down women who got breast enhancement surgery but didn't pay


Scroll down for answers:







A) Germany
B) Florida
C) Florida
D) Germany

The hippo and the tortoise should be friends

Hopefully this hippo-tortoise friendship won't be ruined when gamekeepers introduce another hippo into the mix.

Read the entire inspiring story here.

Rent a cop

OK, I promise that one of these days I'll sit down and actually write something, and maybe look up some interesting stories to try and entertain you.

The thing is, I took advantage of the last two "days off" to pick up some corporate security work. I ended up spending 9 hours in a parking lot making sure an executive who'd just been fired didn't come back to the office. Turns out the guy was a total fraud and a nutcase. So, now that I'm done fattening my wallet by taking a break from representing the armed might of the state, and instead representing the armed might of corporate America, I can return to blogging. I started by letting the pod in the basement open up, and I switched over to new Blogger, promptly dehumanizing several commenters and rendering them anonymous. Sorry.

I know there's lots of newsworthy events out there that need my attention. Newsworthy stories like this:

People getting arrested in stolen cars because their girlfriends like to stand up through the sunroof, topless

and this:

Middle-aged Cialis freaks going wild in Myrtle Beach.

The Bears won their first playoff game. I was going to write tons of thoughtful sports commentary. Really.

I was near apoplectic after watching Bush's speech on his "new" plan for Iraq. Fortunately, Johnny Yen said most of what I would've said, only better, here, here, and here. Briefly, here's what really pisses me off about the Iraq "surge": according to the US Army's own Counterinsurgency Field Manual, (written by Lt Gen David Petraeus, newly-appointed Iraq commander) the desirable ratio of soldiers to civilians in a counterinsurgency campaign should be about 20 per 1,000. According to the CIA World Factbook, the population of Iraq is approximately 26,700,000. The population of Baghdad is approximately 5,700,000. By those numbers, then, an ideal counterinsurgency campaign in Baghdad would require about 114,000 soldiers. The ideal figure for the entire nation of Iraq would be about 534,000 soldiers. And Eric Shinseki got shit-canned for having the nerve to suggest as much to a Senate committee before the war started. For any of you military history buffs out there, here's an interesting article on "Force Requirements for Stability Operations" from the US Army War College.

So, in a nutshell, Bush's 20,000-soldier "surge" is just more bullshit.

Ok, what else. I got tagged by Katie Schwartz and I'm terrified that I'll look like a poor sport for not responding. Is it ok to wait a week or so before doing one of those things, or is there some expiration date?

Speaking of not responding, my procrastination seems to get worse lately. I have boxes of documents that I need to get rid of (one box of documents from a failed union organizing drive and another of old travel brochures and law enforcement magazines) and two other boxes of documents I desperately need to sort out. SOON. Because a lot of my 2006 tax records are in there, and got thrown in and mixed up with a lot of other crap during a round of frantic pre-holiday-let's-get-the-house-ready-for-company housecleaning. I plan on running in the Chicago Marathon again this year, but I haven't run since Thanksgiving and I'm now tipping the scales at 215 pounds. Did you know that the Chicago Area Runners Association has a category for runners like me? They call us Clydesdales.

I'm chock-full of vaguely formed big plans, yes indeed. Maybe I'll start working on them tomorrow.

I'm pictured here collapsing into the arms of my devoted wife after realizing that January is more than half over and I haven't accomplished a damn thing, in spite of having at least appeared to be quite busy.

Let's waste some time

Practice your archery skills with Bowman.

My gift to you this morning.

Yeah, I got something for you, Elmo...

John and Amanda Beth, don't let my niece see this:

Scorpions on a plane!

You know one thing you don't expect to encounter on a flight from Chicago to Vermont?

Scorpions.

An unlucky fellow flying on a United flight from Chicago to Vermont was repeatedly stung by a scorpion:

"The scorpion bit David Sullivan on the back of his right leg, just below the knee, crawled up through his crotch and down his left leg, he thinks, before getting him again in the shin."

It looks like the feisty arachnid stowed away on a flight from Houston, Texas to Chicago.

Thanks to the ever-vigilant Johnny for the tip on this one.

R.I.P. Iwao Takamoto

Iwao Takamoto, the creator of Scooby-Doo and director of the original Charlotte's Web, died at the age of 81 in Los Angeles. Takamoto's death follows a few weeks after that of famed animator and founder of Hanna-Barbera, Joseph Barbera.

Mr. Takamoto learned the art of illustration from fellow internees at the Manzanar internment camp during WWII, and went to work at Disney after the war. He worked as an assistant to Milt Kahl (who animated Pinocchio and Tigger among others) before joining Hanna-Barbera in the early 60's.

This piece by Neely Tucker in the Washington Post hits the right note, I think:

You had to be 8 years old, really, on your third bowl of Cap'n Crunch's Crunch Berries (your parents were still asleep, dreaming on a Saturday morning that you and your brother were already off at college), when the sugar rush was reaching your toenails, when the theme song came on in its complete and utter brilliance:

Scooby Dooby Doo, where are you?

Finally, I could find no evidence (other than having his name attached to the project as "creative producer") that Mr. Takamoto had anything to do with the abomination that was Scrappy Doo.

Clown of the week

Hey, you.

I'm your friend. I'm not like all the others...

Hey, got any bacon?

Do these dogs look hungry? The one in the foreground is Duffy, he's our terrier mutt from the local shelter. That regal and yet somehow deranged-looking girl in the background is Rio. She's a shepherd/husky/rottweiler mutt that we've recently taken in. She and Duffy spend most of their time chewing on each other's necks and chasing each other around the house.

Jack, our rat terrier, is not in this picture. He found a safe place and is in hiding.

I was cooking dinner when I snapped this shot. I had two days off work, and took advantage of the time to make a couple of hearty dinners. Last night was grillades and baked grits. Tonight was smothered round steak with onions, green beans and corn maque choux. The dogs have identified me as a soft touch, and the instant they hear a knife hitting a cutting board they run into the kitchen to see what's up.

Yeah, baby...happy birthday, Elvis. We miss you.

Elvis, we miss you man. All we got left now are short impersonators and their gorilla-suited sidekicks. Lord knows they're trying, Elvis, but no one's TCB.

In Dreams

Dale recently posted about a dream he had, and it got me thinking about my own freak dreams. The most disturbing aspect of Dale's dream, far as I could tell, was a hideous man damaging some DVD packaging. No spiders, no snakes, no unspeakable evil presence bursting through a closed door with a horrible roaring sound that's somewhere between the Exorcist and the Evil Dead.

MizBubs tells me I have far fewer nightmares than I used to. I used to have a pretty wide variety of horrible dreams; fortunately nowadays most of my bad dreams fall into standard cop categories: trying to shoot someone and the gun won't work, chasing someone and can't catch up, etc. From what I"m told I wake pretty violently at times, and I can sit up and move around quite a bit while still asleep, so I've never kept a firearm anywhere within reach of where I sleep.

I still have some bad dreams about f*cking up crime scenes that I'm responsible for, watching evidence get destroyed, but those don't come very often. Another (thank God, infrequent) dream is one where I commit a crime like a bank robbery or a murder and at the moment I'm pulling the trigger or taking the money I am fully aware that I've essentially thrown my life away in that moment.

On the good side, I have some nice dreams about taking road trips and then finding out that I'm really much closer to places I've always wanted to go than I thought I'd be--like, in the dream I'm driving to downstate Illinois to go camping and I suddenly discover that in another 2 or 3 hours I can be in Las Vegas, stuff like that. And at least once or twice a month my dad shows up in my dreams and I get to talk with him, and that's always good. I'd like more visits from my old dogs, though, I wish I could find a way to will that into my dreams.

I'm not even going to talk about sex. No. All I can say is, thank God those are some real good dreams.

Let's listen to some Roy Orbison.

La erotica del robot?

"Now there's more things in Tennessee
Than's dreamed of in your philosophy..."
-Lux Interior


This is what I like about the internet. While absent-mindedly clicking the "next blog>>" button I found a blog titled Fogonazos (which translates loosely as "flashes") and was greeted at the top of the page by a picture of a pert-looking gal from the 1950's hugging a robot. And the title of the post: La erotica del robot. This is precisely the kind of cultural diversity I can get behind, and it makes me wish I'd ever bothered to master another language, or even English. Fortunately, our god-kings at Google have a translation tool, and guess what? "The erotica of the robot" is pretty darn entertaining in badly-translated English:

"Just as the fetichismo of the feet exists or of lencería French, certain type of people we experienced a morbosa sensation before the vision of a robot next to a young woman. One is not about an explicit desire of sex with robots - as in the case of the fetichismo of the robot - but inexplicable a sexual fantasy, produced by the frightful presence of the robot in front of the fragile bodies of the protagonists."

Wow. I always figured that Robby the Robot got a lot of action, but did you know the Daleks have actually appeared in a porno? But wait, I got even more of an education. I clicked on that "fetichismo of the robot" link and found out, courtesy of Wikipedia, that robot fetishism is closely related to statuephilia, also known as agalmatophilia or Pygmalionism: a sexual attraction to statues or dolls...or, bringing it back to an article I posted last week, mannequins.

And I thought I knew all the paraphilias. Whew.

Oops: Army sends recruiting letters to dead soldiers

According to this story in the Army Times, a letter sent to several thousand recently separated officers, encouraging them to return to service, also went to the addresses of 75 officers who've died. 250 injured officers also received the recruiting letters by accident.

The Army is mortified and says it's sorry.

I'm a Counselor Idealist! (INFJ)

"Counselors value their integrity a great deal, but they have intricately woven, mysterious personalities which sometimes puzzle even them. "

Yeah, I confuse the hell out of myself! I am definitely driven by things I only dimly comprehend. Or don't comprehend at all. Well, it keeps Bubs on his toes!

Hey, it's the new year. Test & classify yourself

Aren't you tired of just careening along from year to year, driven by forces (or voices inside your head) that you only, at best, dimly comprehend? I know I am. So this year, I decided to take an honest assessment of my strengths and weaknesses before starting out on my brave new life. I started on the internets, of course. And I found this:

A fun little personality test based on Myers-Briggs.

Just 72 simple yes or no questions, and you're on the road to improved performance through heightened self-awareness.

I discovered that I am an ENFP: Extroverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Perceiving type. The folks here at Kiersey.com describe the type as the "Champion Idealist." I'll be a monkey's uncle if this doesn't sound like me:

"...This strong drive to unveil current events can make them tireless in conversing with others, like fountains that bubble and splash, spilling over their own words to get it all out."

In other words, the ENFP can be a relentless windbag. Mea culpa.

Random New Year

Check out what everyone else is shuffling over at American Idle.

Kiss—Tom Jones

Everybody’s Happy Nowadays—The Buzzcocks

The Young Savages—Martin Denny

Jungle Hop—The Cramps

Bridge Over Troubled Water—Johnny Cash

Man Smart (Woman Smarter)—Harry Belafonte

Close to You—The Carpenters

Drug Train—Social Distortion

Whistling in the Dark—They Might Be Giants

Why Did You Wander—Bill Monroe & His Bluegrass Boys

Parrot's oratory stuns scientists

This story from the BBC tells of a parrot (an African Grey named N'kisi) who has a vocabulary of 950 words. N'kisi is, by all accounts, one talkative and charming parrot.

The parrot pictured at left is Barney. Barney talked a bit, and could be a very entertaining fellow. But Barney had a dark side. His sweet, whimsical moments were often followed by shrieking and biting, and the tang of human blood in the air.

The BBC, to my knowledge, has never done a feature story on Barney.

No happy new year for mannequin fetishist

Ronald A. Dotson, of Detroit, faces a life sentence for smashing the front window of a cleaning supply company and stealing a female mannequin dressed in a French maid uniform. Oooh la la.

Mr. Dotson has at least 6 convictions for similar mannequin-related burglaries. He's being charged as an habitual offender.

I wonder where mannequin fetishists fall in the prison pecking order? More respect than child sex offenders and snitches, sure, but probably less than armed robbers.

What do you want?

Killer sharks descend on Florida coast

Experts say all signs point to a massive attack by man-eating sharks some time in the new year. A school of kill-crazy bull sharks were recently spotted conducting a reconnaissance off the coast of Fort Pierce. The MSM buried this story so as not to interfere with consumer spending over the holidays.

Welcome to 2007. Enjoy the ride

Good morning!

Happy New Year, sleepyheads.