Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Whoa, not so fast there, buster...


It's never a good omen when you're getting ready to fly out, and you look over at the TV weather and notice big red boxes outlining the area you're planning on flying into later that evening.

Looks like no one is flying from O'Hare to Dallas tonight. The next available flight would put me down there at 6:30pm, after a stop in Toronto (who the f*ck comes up with these flight plans anyway?) about an hour after we were supposed to be finished shooting.

So now I am sitting here in my bathrobe, caught in mid-packing. I wear a confused and amusing expression on my face, awaiting instructions from the home office.

Maybe I'll look up alligator stories while I wait. Lulu just sent me a good one from right here in Chicago. Of course the apologists in the pro-gator media covered the whole thing up.

Added 4:25 PM: I shouldn't have made that crack about flying to Dallas via Toronto. I am now scheduled to fly to Dallas via Richmond, Virginia. Oh well. Maybe I'll see some crazy Virginians driving around naked as they're prone to do. Anyone have any good ideas on how to spend a 3-hour layover in the capital of the Confederacy?

Whew...

See that?

That's a clean desk top, complete with a desk blotter that's already had the inked-up, coffee-stained March page torn off. April's page sits there, a tabula rasa, because I won't walk back through those doors until April 6.

Yep. That's my office, the way I left it at 7 pm last night

The last 6 weeks or so have wrecked me. I'm about 15 pounds overweight, the result of too many surveillances, too many schedule changes, too much fast food and too many jibaritos while driving around Chicago looking for the last few pieces of the puzzle that we need to solve our open murder. My skin looks pale and saggy and I'm just getting over a wicked cold. I've only run a couple of lethargic 2 or 3 milers in the last month. The shitty gray weather has suited my mood most of the time.

But things are looking up, now that I'm away from the desk you see pictured above and everything that goes along with it.

I leave for Dallas tonight, shoot a training video tomorrow and then come home Thursday. Hopefully I'll have time to visit the Book Depository and the grassy knoll along the way.

This time next week we'll be eating a big-ass southern breakfast at the Blue & White Restaurant in Tunica, Mississippi, on our way down to New Orleans. I might even have pie after breakfast. When we're back from spring break in New Orleans I head right into my favorite job-related event of the year, the ILEETA conference, where I will shift gears from gorging myself on rich food to gorging myself on law enforcement tactical swag.


Now it's time to get the youngest to school, get a haircut and pack my bags.

See you later, alligators.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Happy Saint Patrick's Day

One of life's great experiences is to be in an Irish pub during a session when this song gets played, everyone singing along and pounding on the tabletops. It's kind of like the scene from Pee Wee's Big Adventure where Pee Wee sings a line from "Deep In The Heart of Texas", only with Irishmen instead of Texans, and in a bar instead of at a bus station.

Happy Saint Patrick's Day everyone. Stay away from the green beer. Oh, and one more thing--in two trips to Ireland I never once saw, was offered, or ate corned beef and cabbage. Lots of lamb and salmon, and yes, potatoes came with everything, sometimes two kinds of potatoes with one meal...but no corned beef and cabbage.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Breaking the meme backlog

I have been a poor blog citizen these past few weeks. Not visiting your blogs, not commenting, posting lame-ass clown pictures for want of anything original to talk about. Compulsively saving news items and not posting them.

One of the results of this poor citizenship is that I am faced with a backlog of stimulating memes which I've been meaning to attend to, but have not. Until now.

Let's get started. I'll begin with the oldest tag first.

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First up is a punchy little meme from Franiam. I felt really bad about not responding to this because I just recently discovered Ms. Fran's blog and felt flattered that she had tagged me.

Rule 1) List three reasons for your blogging.
  • My kids suggested it as a way to keep busy while I was recovering from a surgery.
  • I am naturally blabberous.
  • I like introducing people to things they might not normally encounter, and I like having the same done to me.
Rule 2) List the rules.
  • Done
Rule 3) Tag three others with the thread.
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Next up is this name-based meme from Write Procrastinator. It's been rocketing around the interwebs and now it's landed here:

  1. You have to post the rules before you give your answers.
  2. You must list one fact about yourself beginning with each letter of your middle name. If you don't have a middle name, use your mother's maiden name, or your maiden name.
  3. At the end of your post, tag one person for each letter of your middle name. Or don't.
S Sarcastic. When I asked for help from MizBubs, this was the first thing out of her mouth. I suggested that "swell" or "swanky" might have been a better choice, and she responded "well, yes, you would." She has a point, unfortunately, and I am more sarcastic with my family than I am out in the world. I'm working on it.

K Unfortunately cantankerous is not spelled with a K. Let's see...I like a well made knife, and I own three made by Ka-Bar.

I Interested. I'm interested in a lot of stuff--I consume a lot of news, I pick out a few books a year on topics I know nothing about, I love talking to people and hearing their stories. I'm also inquisitive, and I think it's made me a decent interviewer and interrogator at work. My kids are less thrilled with my interrogation skills.

L Loquacious. I'll talk your damn leg off.

E Egomaniacal. The very fact that I have this blog and am doing this meme is proof of that. I asked MizBubs if I should put down "eccentric" instead and she just laughed.

S OK, this time I am going to say swanky. I am pretty damn swanky when I want to be. I like to have as much swank as possible, in the form of swanky music, swanky food and swanky cocktails. And I like taking swanky vacations when possible.

I think nearly everyone I know has done this one already. But if you haven't, consider yourself tagged.

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Most recently I got a t-shirt tag from another fairly new blogpal, Mathman. Here are the rules:

1. Link back to the original post.
2. Describe two t-shirts that you own.
3. If you design your own vanity t-shirt what would it say?
4. Where would you wear your vanity t-shirt?
5. Tag three of your best blogging buds.

I'm going to go above and beyond and describe not two, but three shirts that I have, with pictures!

This is my favorite, from the Happiest Place on Earth--The Double Down Saloon in fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada:


My eldest got me this next one:


And finally, another favorite. I got a great response when I wore this one at last year's ILEETA conference:


Up until now I've never given any thought to the idea of having a vanity tee shirt. And now I can't think of anything. Sorry. Maybe a catchy slogan like "Show us your guns, America!" Or maybe a clever promotional tee shirt that says "Ask me about Narcozoology".

I think I shall tag Johnny Yen, Doctor Monkey Von Monkerstein, and Samurai Frog.
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Wow. I feel like a new man, like someone who's just taken advantage of a library amnesty and returned all his overdue books. Thanks for stopping by!



Friday, March 14, 2008

The Irish Rover

I just remembered that Saint Patrick's Day is just a few days away. We have no plans as of yet, but if we do make plans there may be whiskey drinking and singing involved.


Let's face facts



It may be Friday, but that doesn't necessarily mean there's been any progress. It's still clowns, as far as I can see.

Next time you see me, buy me a drink and ask me to tell you the story about the political crony, the crack whores, the gun and the dildos. It's a pip.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Thursday, March 06, 2008

While you wait


Like riding a psychotic horse through a burning barn. My life.

Thanks for continuing to stop by from time to time. There are no weenie wavers this Wednesday, and no freak of the week, either. There are, however, bunnies. Or at least creepy guys in bunny suits.

While you wait for me to say or do anything worthwhile, please enjoy these photos.



Monday, March 03, 2008

Spring Reading Challenge

I love reading. I don't read for pleasure nearly enough any more--much of the time that I used to spend reading books has been replaced by reading job-related articles, and when I think about how I used to read about a book a week I get a little sad.

Starting today, though, things are going to change.

Doctor Monkey Von Monkerstein invited me to join the Spring Reading Challenge. What you do is you list all the books you're reading this spring, and reviews of the ones you've read. And you get to see the reading lists of other book lovers, including six of the bloggers you see linked along the right side of this page (I won't tell you which ones--you'll have to visit Spring Reading Challenge
and find out for yourself.)

I've just recently finished Careless Love: The Unmaking of Elvis Presley, as well as 1 Dead in Attic. Going from a detailed (and not unsympathetic) account of Elvis' decade-long decline, to Chris Rose's vivid accounts of Katrina, has given me enough heartbreak for a while. Right now I'm on New Orleans, Mon Amour, a collection of New Orleans-themed writing by Andrei Codrescu. So far it's humane and funny.

So, go check out Spring Reading Challenge. And treat yourself to a nice book.

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Here comes Peter Cottontail...

Here comes Peter Cottontail
Hoppin' down the bunny trail,
Hippity hoppity,
Easter's on its way

Bringin' ev'ry girl and boy
A basketful of Easter joy
Things to make your Easter
Bright and gay

He's got jelly beans for Tommy
Colored eggs for sister Sue
There's an orchid for your mommy
And an Easter bonnet too. Oh!

Here' comes Peter Cottontail
Hoppin' down the bunny trail
Hippity hoppity
Happy Easter Day

Look at him hop and listen to him say,
"Try to do the things you should"
Maybe if you're extra good
He'll roll lots of Easter eggs your way

You'll wake up on Easter morning
And you'll know that he was there
When you find those choc'late bunnies That he's hiding ev’rywhere, Oh!

Here' comes Peter Cottontail
Hoppin' down the bunny trail
Hippity hoppity
Happy Easter Day.


Thursday, February 28, 2008

For Kirby and Vikkitikkitavi

Behold, the splendor of Anne Archer:



I don't know if it's a scarier thing that Kirby and Vikkitikkitavi both knew Anne Archer appeared in clown makeup in Robert Altman's "Short Cuts" or if I already had a picture of her that way.

Oh well, I'm all about bringing out the best in people.

Crazy couple of weeks folks. I have a lot of material in the pipeline, I just don't know when I'll get to post it. And believe me, I am so sorry for not commenting on your blogs. I visit, believe me, but I just don't gots the time to put together intelligent comments. Sorry 'bout that.

See you soon.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

S.R.C. Survival Tip # 2



For our second essential survival tip, we move from the deadly turquoise waters of the Florida coast, to more frigid northern climes.

Remember Ralphie's icicle warning in "A Christmas Story"?

Well, listen up. That's not just some midwestern mom's scare tactic.


Sprawling Ramshackle Compound Survival Tip # 2:

Your mother was right--look out for falling icicles!


S.R.C. Survival Tip # 1




I'm introducing a handy new feature here at the Compound, a sporadic but ongoing series of useful survival tips for intrepid tourists and concerned Americans.




Sprawling Ramshackle Compound Survival Tip # 1:

Do not swim in chum-infested waters. A shark might eat you.


That's all for today.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Law Enforcement Quote of the Week

"You've gotta be instrumental in thinking out of the box."

-A technical surveillance expert during a presentation I attended, in which he showed an audience of police officers the latest developments in CCTV cameras, night vision and tracking devices.

I'll tell you who that clown is



It's four-time Oscar nominee Julianne Moore!



Congratulations to Kirby--not only did she guess the clown, she also got the movie: The Ladies Man.

I apologize in advance to anyone whose fantasy visions of Julianne Moore have been ruined.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Who is this Clown?


Who is this clown? She's been nominated for an Academy Award in the past, although not for this role.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Half the effort, twice the fun


Aloha!

I've really taken to this new Random Five format for Fridays.

This week I drew my random tunes from my lounge playlist--which now stands at 13.8 hours of swanky tunes to mix cocktails by. It's Friday, so let's swing a little:

  • Miserlou/Quien Sera--Rick Perito
  • Blossom's Blues--Blossom Dearie
  • Jungle Madness--Martin Denny
  • Sunny Side of the Street--Keely Smith
  • Wrap Your Troubles in Dreams--Frank Sinatra

I was pleased, really, at how surprisingly upbeat and happy-making these tunes are. A nice way to end the week.
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Speaking of swanky, I just found out that Chicago is hosting an upcoming burlesque festival: Angela Eve's Twisted Tassel Burlesque Festival! There are events running from February 26 through March 27 at the Admiral Theater and the Debonair Social Club. Go check out the link for more details. As if cool music and beautiful women idn't enough, some of the proceeds will be donated to Make It Right NOLA, a charity dedicated to rebuilding the 9th Ward.




Thursday, February 21, 2008

Law Enforcement Quote of the Week

"Skates the Clown will not be skating around any federal laws. His show is now concluded."

-FBI spokesman Seann Quinn
It should come as no surprise to any thinking person that another clown has broken bad on us. In this case, Walter Homan of Beachwood, New Jersey, was arrested by the FBI and charged in US court. Homan had been arrested on state charges in 2006:



Thank you, Google News Alerts.

Always remember friends--with clowns, as with alligators, the best policy is constant vigilance!

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Let's talk stupider

A few more thoughts on our national dumbing down.

My friend Bawb the Revelator sent me an editorial by my new hero Susan Jacoby the other day. (By the way--Bawb is new to blogging, so go check out his place.) The piece appeared in the Washington Post on Sunday:

The Dumbing of America

Here's a taste:

The mind of this country, taught to aim at low objects, eats upon itself." Ralph Waldo Emerson offered that observation in 1837, but his words echo with painful prescience in today's very different United States. Americans are in serious intellectual trouble -- in danger of losing our hard-won cultural capital to a virulent mixture of anti-intellectualism, anti-rationalism and low expectations.

This is the last subject that any candidate would dare raise on the long and winding road to the White House. It is almost impossible to talk about the manner in which public ignorance contributes to grave national problems without being labeled an "elitist," one of the most powerful pejoratives that can be applied to anyone aspiring to high office. Instead, our politicians repeatedly assure Americans that they are just "folks," a patronizing term that you will search for in vain in important presidential speeches before 1980. (Just imagine: "We here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain . . . and that government of the folks, by the folks, for the folks, shall not perish from the earth.") Such exaltations of ordinariness are among the distinguishing traits of anti-intellectualism in any era. (*Note from Bubs: Think of Ms. Pickler's performance on Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?)

She identifies three issues:
  • The decline of reading and the rise of video
  • The erosion of general knowledge
  • Arrogance about our lack of knowledge
There's a lot to work with in Jacoby's opinion piece. Did you know that, between 1968 and 1988, the average sound bite for a presidential candidate declined from 42.3 seconds to 9.8 seconds? And by 2000 it dropped even more, to an average 7.8 seconds! There's a sad contrast between the presidencies (and the citizenry who elected them) of "I'm the decider" Bush and FDR, who encouraged Americans to buy maps so that they could understand the geography of war in the early, frightening days of WWII.

Go read this thing.
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Speaking of George W. Bush, did you know he's explained why our economy is a little rocky right now? My mom called me yesterday to tell me about this and asked if I could find the clip on the interwebs.

During an interview with Ann Curry on the Today Show, Bush was asked about the economy. The first thing that got me was his dismissive "yeah, well" when Curry said some Americans believe they're suffering economically because of the war. It's right at the beginning of the video.

The POTUS goes on to say that he thinks war spending is creating jobs. So, Mr. President, what's wrong with the economy?

"I think this economy is down because we built too many houses."

Yep. That's what he said:




Sunday, February 17, 2008

I wouldn't live there if you paid me...or would I?

We just got done cleaning off the dinner dishes, and the Tom Waits that my youngest played at dinner is over (Alice and Blood Money). Out of nowhere, MizBubs, sentimental fool, puts on More Songs About Buildings and Food by Talking Heads. I was listening to the song "Big Country", something of an anthem of anti-suburban anger when I was a kid:

I see the shapes, I remember from maps.
I see the shoreline.
I see the whitecaps.
A baseball diamond, nice weather down there.

I see the school and the houses where the kids are.
Places to park by the factories and buildings.
Restaurants and bars for later in the evening.

Then we come to the farmlands, and the undeveloped areas.
And I have learned how these things work together.
I see the parkway that passes through them all.

And I have learned how to look at these things and I say,

I wouldn't live there if you paid me.
I couldn't live there, well no siree!

I couldn't do the things that, that those people do.
I wouldn't live there if you paid me to.


And then it hit me like a ton of bricks: but I do live there! I've been living there for years! How the hell did that happen?
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I got this bright idea today to cook this big dinner. MizBubs had to work at the library today, and I decided to cook a couple recipes out of a cookbook I bought her for Valentine's Day--Food of Love, from Rosemary's Restaurant, where we had possibly the best meal of our lives when we were in Las Vegas last December. I was going to make Hugo's BBQ shrimp with blue cheese slaw, and pan-seared scallops with parsnip creamed potatoes. There were sauces involved, and I started out great. Then somewhere along the way my apple cider reduction turned into a caramelized crust, and my blue cheese mayonnaise was a disaster, a soupy mess. Next thing I know, I was standing there with a bourbon in hand, not doing anything, and wondering how it all went south.

MizBubs got home a little later. I tried to act as adorable as possible, and in no time at all she made a new, perfect mayonnaise, and she rescued my apple cider reduction too, making a beautiful apple cider butter sauce for the scallops. I got out the fry daddy and made some deep-fried parsnips and crispy prosciutto to garnish the scallops. Here is the end result:

Now, closeups.

Here's the crispy fried parsnips and prosciutto
And here's how they looked on top of some pan seared scallops, served on a mound of parsnip creamed potatoes and an apple cider butter sauce


There was no cocktail, but there was beer: we paired the meal with some tasty Belgian ales:


And there you have it.

I have a wicked case of procrastination, and haven't been able to finish the project I'm supposed to do for the side job I landed, and I go back to work tomorrow. Shit, I didn't even get all the laundry and housecleaning I planned on done, and now it's Sunday night, with Monday morning looming ahead. Oh well. I may be a lazy slacker, but I'm a well-fed slacker with a woman who loves me and a couple of great kids. So screw everything else, right? Right.

Hope everyone had a good weekend. See you later, alligators.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Let's talk stupid

The first thing to catch my eye over coffee this morning (other than the NIU shooting--I'll get to that later) was this story in the NY Times, titled "Dumb and Dumber: Are Americans Hostile to Knowledge?" The article focuses on author Susan Jacoby, who has a new book out this month titled "The Age of American Unreason". Jacoby is one of several authors with new books lamenting the state of American culture. She focuses on what she describes as a "generalized hostility to knowledge." Here's a brief quote from the article:

The author of seven other books, she was a fellow at the library when she first got the idea for this book back in 2001, on 9/11.

Walking home to her Upper East Side apartment, she said, overwhelmed and confused, she stopped at a bar. As she sipped her bloody mary, she quietly listened to two men, neatly dressed in suits. For a second she thought they were going to compare that day’s horrifying attack to the Japanese bombing in 1941 that blew America into World War II:

“This is just like Pearl Harbor,” one of the men said.

The other asked, “What is Pearl Harbor?”

“That was when the Vietnamese dropped bombs in a harbor, and it started the Vietnam War,” the first man replied.

At that moment, Ms. Jacoby said, “I decided to write this book.”

I think I'll ask MizBubs, girl genius, to grab this for me from the library.

As if to prove Jacoby's point, this article recently appeared in the Orlando Sentinel: "Clash Over Teaching Evolution Hits Orlando". Here's the opener:

Evolution has been a cornerstone of biology for more than 100 years, but don't try to tell that to many of the thousands of people who posted comments on Florida's Department of Education Web site.

"The last time I went to the zoo, the monkeys weren't evolving into man," read one comment.

"Evolution is not proven and we should not brainwash our children with this concept," stated another.
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This video was mentioned in the opening paragraph of that NY Times article. Boy howdy, there's some hilariously disturbing elements to this. Like Pickler's apparent lack of embarrassment when confronted with her own ignorance ("Buda...Budapest? I never even heard of that...I know they speak French there, don't they?") That's followed closely by this retro gender exchange between Pickler and the host, Jeff Foxworthy:

Foxworthy: Kell...focus.

Pickler: I am. Like, I'm listening to what you're saying, but I only hear what I want to.

Foxworthy: That's just called being a woman.

Audience: Woooooooo...

Pickler: Well we could just call this show "are you smarter than a man?" I'd win that.

Foxworthy: Women don't really want to hear a man's opinion, they just want to hear their opinion in a deeper voice...

Yuk yuk yuk yuk, ain't that the truth? Har. Here's the video:



I found this next video bit while looking for Ms. Pickler's performance. It's one of those Jay Leno man-in-the-street bits, set in Las Vegas. In all fairness, at least some of this stupid is alcohol-induced.



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The shooting at Northern Illinois University. Tragic and horrifying. Normally I don't start contemplating the nature of human evil this early in the morning; that's better saved for darkness, and strong drink.

For now my questions are:
  • What was the background of the shooter?
  • Where did he get the guns?
I have a professional interest in the police response. By now nearly every department in the country has abandoned the old model of responding to these incidents (aid the wounded, set up a perimeter, contain the threat and wait for a SWAT team) and has adopted rapid deployment/active shooter tactics.

Most police are now trained that the first officers on the scene should go directly towards the gunfire and engage the shooter as quickly as possible, even if it means stepping over the bodies of the wounded to do so. According to this article in the NY Times the police arrived within 2 minutes of the first 911 call. The Chicago Tribune reports that police arrived 29 seconds after receiving a 911 call at 3:06 pm.

The reason I'm including this at the end of a post about stupidity is that, over the past 14 hours, I've heard some really stupid stuff come out of the mouths of radio news people and some NIU kids who have been interviewed. I heard one radio interviewer ask a kid who was present at the shooting "when the shooter's eyes locked onto yours, what did you read in his expression?" Seriously, what kind of asshole asks a 19 year old kid, who's just seen a bunch of people killed, a question like that?

What really got me angry were the questions prompting kids and parents to find fault with the school's security. I heard two different young women interviewed, students who were not present at the shooting. Both of them felt that the school could have done more to keep them safer. Both of the women had those voices? You know? The kind where every sentence sounds like it's ending in a question? And they just thought, that, um, the school didn't do as much as they could have? To keep them safe? As if 18 people shot isn't newsworthy enough, the reporters are already trolling for the next angle--that someone, some institution, failed and must be blamed.

Yes, NIU could have kept all those kids safe. All you have to do to prevent school shootings is turn every school into a prison: locked doors, search everyone entering, metal detectors, total video surveillance and armed guards everywhere.

Thinking like this got Bush reelected in 2004, and if the dumbing-down continues lord knows what lies ahead.


Thursday, February 14, 2008

Happy Valentine's Day!

Happy V-Day, tiger.

Lately all kinds of strange yet alluring chicks have been stopping by the Compound for no apparent reason. I can't explain it, but I'm not arguing with it either.
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Anyway, it's Valentine's Day. Happy Valentine's Day, all you wonderful readers!

The lovely and hilarious Katie Schwartz helped put me in a romantic mood by sending me this picture

along with a link to this article: Gary Coleman weds quietly in Nevada.

Yes, it was a
small ceremony, held back in August, but revealed to the world just in time for the holiday of love! Evidently Gary decided to take a page out of the Dennis Kucinich playbook and hitch himself to a hot redhead twice his height. The bride, Shannon Price, is described in this article as "a great e-Bayer...a fabulous e-Bayer."

Best wishes you crazy kids!
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I've changed the tunes for the holiday, giving the blog a classy all-Cramps romantic soundtrack for the weekend:

The Most Exalted Potentate of Love
Let's Get Fucked Up
What's Inside a Girl

Cornfed Dames

(Hot Pool Of) Womanneed

If anyone in 1956 had known this was how rockabilly would turn out, they would've strung up Elvis on the spot.
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Next up is a handy travel guide from Radar Online: The Geography of Desire. (Warning, some links on that page NSFW.) It's a love-map of the greatest nation in the world, the US of A, providing interesting tidbits like these:
  • Madera (CA) hosts the highest percentage of men under 25 seeking women over 50. They say you can smell the Chanel No 5 for miles.
  • Albany (NY) has the highest percentage of Muslim singles seeking Jews in the country.
  • Oregon rents the highest percentage of Hentai, or pornographic cartoons, of any state in the union.
  • South Carolina has the highest percentage of female porn enthusiasts in the country.
  • The gentlemen of Danville (IL) top the list of those open to women who use smokeless tobacco—pucker up.
  • Fast-clicking Coloradoans rent more porn online per capita than any other state.
Moving right along, here's a spot where you can buy "purposeful products to help you encourage God's people." Many of the Valentine messages from God are sold out, but you can still get a magnet set:


For those of you thinking slightly less long-term than an eternity in heaven, there are these heart-shaped sweetheart grave markers.
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Now, on to the freaks.

Former freak of the week Carlton Davis, the Minnesota Toe-Licker, was back in the news recently. Mr. Davis was sentenced to probation for an incident in which he robbed a woman on a Minneapolis street, ordered her to remove her shoes, and then licked her toes.

There's nothing like a couple of drunk, sexed-up hillbillies out for a joyride. Police in Nitro, West Virginia investigated a one-car crash and found a shirtless man running from the scene with his pants unzipped. A woman left behind at the crash claimed to be the driver, but once she found out the penalties for DUI identified the man as the driver. The cause of the crash? Wait for it...

Road head.

Drunken road head, specifically--Matthew Justin Clark, receiver of the road head, had a blood alcohol content of .211 and was driving on a revoked license. Katie Ann Stewart, provider of the road head, had a blood alcohol content of .12. Their parents must be very proud.

In more traffic-related news, police in Cumberland County, Maine, are looking for this man:

The Sheriff's Department has received six reports that this man, dressed in "women’s underwear, a garter belt and black high-heel boots", has pulled in front of women drivers, jumped out of his vehicle and modeled his attire in the roadway.

Not all naked people are lovers. Many are fighters. Like 28-year old Peter Lu of Peekskill, New York. Lu, described in this article as a "naked martial arts expert", fought four police officers on the appropriately-named Hardscrabble Road before being Tasered twice and taken down.

Finally, in news closer to home, 27-year old Izaac T. Channen got arrested by the Des Plaines Police Department. All because he wanted to go to church wearing a bra filled with water balloons, argued with his friend who refused to take Izaac to church dressed like that, took the friend's car keys and refused to return them, and then fought with the police who arrived to investigate.

I like to sign off on a pleasant note, so here it is, a nice Valentine card for all of you:


Wednesday, February 13, 2008

An announcement from Sprawling Ramshackle Compound

Effective immediately I am no longer going to refer to, or use the phrase "mainstream media" or "MSM".

Instead, I will refer to is as "Corporate Media" or, simply, "CM".

A friend of mine recently forwarded this editorial to me, and I'll quote a little bit of it here to give you a taste:

As we stumble toward another presidential election, it’s never been more clear that our political process is being warped by a corporate stranglehold on the free flow of information. Amidst a virtual blackout of coverage of a horrific war, a global ecological crisis and an advancing economic collapse, what passes for the mass media is itself in collapse. What’s left of our democracy teeters on the brink.

The culprit, in the parlance of the day, has been the “Mainstream Media,” or MSM.

But that’s wrong name for it. Today’s mass media is Corporate, not Mainstream, and the distinction is critical.

Calling the Corporate Media (CM) “mainstream” implies that it speaks for mid-road opinion, and it absolutely does not.

There is, in fact, a discernable, tangible mainstream of opinion in this country. As brilliant analysts such as Jeff Cohen, Norman Solomon and the Fairness and Accuracy in Reporting (FAIR) organization have shown, the “MSM” is very far to the right of it...

Never in our history has the control of the nation’s sources of information been more centralized, or more at odds with what the country as a whole believes.

This divergence is not limited to the attack pack fringe of far-right bloviators who dominate the Corporate opinion print columns and talk shows. Virtually all “personal” opinion expressed on the corporate airwaves and in the syndicated big newspaper columns is significantly to the pro-corporate right of moderate American opinion.

The “news” pushed by the major radio/TV networks and newspapers slants unerringly toward the interests of the five major corporations that own the bulk of them. They bury stories of vital importance while spewing endless hours and column inches at the mind-deadening likes of Paris Hilton and Brittany Spears...


Well, you get the idea.

_____________________

The other day I got an email from a coworker. This was the header:

FW: Fw: CAN MUSLIMS BE GOOD AMERICANS?

The answer, not surprisingly, was a resounding "no." I had gotten earlier versions of this email over a year ago, but this one had something different at the end:

And Barack Hussein Obama,
a Muslim,
wants to be our President?
You have GOT to be kidding!


I hit "reply all", and
sent this link to the Snopes.com page on false claims regarding Barack Obama, politely stating that he was not a Muslim. This promptly endeared me to the 25 other people on the email list who just want their prejudices reinforced and to see lots of porn and funnies when they open their email every day.

Barack Obama is not going to win many police votes in Illinois anyway, based on his sponsorship of some racial profiling legislation years ago. But I've been amazed at the number of people, educated, decent, good people with whom I'd trust my life, who believe that:
  • Barack Obama is Muslim (and probably a radical one at that)
  • Barack Obama wants to be sworn in, or was sworn in, on a Koran and not a Bible
  • Barack Obama refuses to say the pledge of allegiance
  • Barack Obama refuses to place his hand over his heart during the national anthem (this one is the result of an unfortunate photo from the Iowa campaign, where he's the only one on stage without his hand over his heart)
What is up with this?

What's up is that they've all been soaked in a steady stream of Fox News, talk radio and forwarded emails.

Forwarded emails? Yes. The forwarded email is probably the most brilliant sleazy political tool ever invented. If someone's political frame of reference has already been skewed rightward by his intake of corporate media he becomes that much more open to forwarded angry emails, especially ones coming from people he trusts. The collected emails, absorbed against a steady background hum of corporate media, forms a body of common knowledge, stuff that "everyone knows" even if it is, ultimately, false.

Think about it. I'm sure you all have someone who persists in sending you chain emails and FOAF stories no matter how many times you whip out your dog-eared copy of The Vanishing Hitchhiker or send them links to Snopes.com.

I recently heard of this website, and you gots to go check it out immediately:

My Right-Wing Dad

It's a blog started by a fellow who was overwhelmed by the volume and intensity of the forwarded emails he got from the eponymous dad. Seriously, check it out. It's an excellent companion to the always useful Urban Legends Reference Pages (Snopes.com).
_____________________

My friend Bawb the Revelator taught me an interesting history lesson about a cheerful conman sleaze named Roger Stone. Roger Stone is a freelance political operative, the youngest of Nixon's dirty-tricksters. He's actually got a tattoo of Richard Nixon on his back. He would love the frugal efficiency of these easy-to-produce forwarded emails. Most recently Roger Stone has set up an anti-Hilary Clinton 527 called "Citizens United, Not Timid." Basically the 527 exists to market and distribute merchandise that puts Clinton's name right next to the "C" word.
_____________________

So, where was I going with all this? Fuck if I know. I had a point when I started, and I was going to tie this all together somehow, but my poor attention span and editing skills caught up with me once again.


Monday, February 11, 2008

Power Rings and Coffee

Those aren't donuts.

Those are power rings.

This is how I started my day.


Friday, February 08, 2008

Random 5

Yes, it's early and there's lots to get done, so I only had the time and attention span to do an early random 5 this week. The tunes are up on the right:

It's Martini Time—Reverend Horton Heat

I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself—Dusty Springfield

Cornfed Dames—The Cramps

Dixie Fried—Carl Perkins

Do the Clam—Elvis Presley

_____________________


Good news on the job front. I just had a proposal accepted for my first side job of 2008. What's the deal? I'm going to work on the company's handcuffing policy for their loss prevention agents, consult on a script for a training video, and then provide some hands-on training. They haven't decided whether I'm going to actually appear in the video myself. I have a lot of reading and writing to do in the next few days, so I won't be around much.

It's sure nice to have some work fall my way, though. I'm so happy I feel like doing the Clam:

Thursday, February 07, 2008

The guest who wouldn't leave

Well...

Things are finally returning to normal around here, and it's a good thing, too. What with the Mardi Gras, and Super Fat Tuesday, and the drinking and the dancing and the overeating followed by the snowstorm, things have been a little topsy turvy in the Bubs household.

I don't know when Doctor Monkey Von Monkerstein "interviewed" all those models he featured yesterday, and I have no idea whatsoever what he gave them to drink, eat or otherwise ingest.

I'll tell you this much, though. When this doll



showed up at our doorstep in the early morning hours Wednesday, she already had a full head of steam going. She'd been drinking, of course, but there was something else. She was obviously worked up after ranting to Doctor MVM about the Bush administration, and she was out to take her edge off. No matter what we put on the hi-fi, it wasn't fast enough, or loud enough, or swinging enough for her taste.

Most of our friends left. The PTA Moms for Obama left. Not our model. She stayed, drinking and dancing and yelling VOTE YOU MOTHERF*CKERS, VOTE! MONKEY LOVE!

Some time before sunrise the neighbor came over, bleary-eyed, and asked us to turn the music down. Our girl here lurched over to the back door, grabbed the neighbor and planted a big wet kiss on him, which embarrassed the hell out of all of us. The neighbor reeled away, down off the porch. My children locked themselves in their rooms. The dogs wouldn't stop barking. I could see MizBubs calmly removing her glasses and taking off her loose jewelry, which she always does when she senses a brawl about to erupt.

The next few moments were confusing, a blur of popping balloons, shrieking and stereo speakers blowing out. Next thing I know, our model pops out from behind the tiki bar, stark naked, and asks where we keep our game of Twister:


And then she passed out on our zebra skin rug.

MizBubs and I breathed a sigh of relief, turned off the hi-fi, threw a blanket over our model, and went to sleep.

This morning she was gone. I spent the better part of the morning throwing out deflated balloons, confetti and empty Abita bottles. I swept out 8 pounds of lemon rinds from behind the tiki bar, and then I made a sad discovery. Whenever balloon girl crept out, she apparently took my last bottle of absinthe, a can of pepper spray, three of my Las Vegas ashtrays and my favorite Herb Alpert LP record. You know the one.

So Doctor Monkey...please. Next time you get some impressionable starlet all likkered up and politically agitated, don't point her in my direction. OK? Thanks.

Wackadoo mash notes


I've mentioned before that one of my jobs is reviewing the random crazy letters that arrive at the police department. Well, in addition to that we sometimes end up with crazy notes and letters that we recover as evidence during other investigations. I got one of those today. I think I might find enough of these to put one out there every month or two for your reading amusement.

In this case, a 20-something woman living in a condo not far from our station reported that she found this note on her car. She knew who left the note because of the phone number that was attached. The suspect is a neighbor of hers, with whom she's had a few brief conversations. She was concerned because the guy who left the note called her at work, and she had no idea how he found out where she worked or got the number. He used the f-word on the phone quite a bit, and it disturbed her. She made the report so that there would be a record of his creepy freakery, but did not want the police to contact him regarding his behavior. Here is the note:





Here's the thing. The guy who left that note is a 30-something man who lives with his parents in their condo. She described him as "immature" and said he frequently looks disheveled, as if he has a drinking problem. He has a DUI arrest on his rap sheet, but nothing else. You should see his picture.

It's too bad our victim doesn't want us to talk to this guy, because this is one of the funniest damn letters I've seen in a long time. I told MizBubs that, from this point on, I want to be referred to as her "crusty admirer."

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

We're a happy family


Why? Because we just got tickets to see Gogol Bordello at the Riviera Theater on March 4.

Super Fat Tuesday



I hereby officially proclaim today to be SUPER FAT TUESDAY.

A quick trip to Super H Mart landed me some outstanding fresh shrimp for only $5.99/pound, and fresh oysters too! We ended up having a tasty dinner, washed down with Abita Turbo Dog beer, while we watched election results. I don't have any pictures or recipes, but suffice it to say that there was bacon, and more than one stick of butter. And not one, but
two big iron skillets.

Not all the results are in, but here at Sprawling Ramshackle Compound we're ready to make one announcement:

Mike Huckabee is well on his way to being the GOP nominee for Jesusland.

Now all I have to do is get the rest of the PTA Moms for Obama, who've been slugging back Sazeracs and celebrating all night, to get dressed and go home already.



Next up: Lent.


Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Throw me something

Damn.

Tomorrow is Fat Tuesday and I don't have anything ready for dinner yet. There will be a Sazerac, true enough, but I have not found any oysters for the duck and oyster gumbo I had planned, and even if I did it's likely I wouldn't have time enough to cook it after work anyway. I got a good shrimp and grits recipe that doesn't take too long, maybe I can pull that off.

Anthony Bourdain visited New Orleans on No Reservations tonight. Good episode--I almost got up from my chair, drink in hand, and started cooking a roux just to get in the spirit of things. There's a certain shade of rich brown that some of the most delicious foods and sauces have down there, and the camera work was good enough I could practically smell it. He had Chris Rose, author of One Dead in Attic, on the show, and I started salivating when they went to some neighborhood dive for some po-boy sandwiches and Abita beer.

What got me, in the midst of my drinking and salivating and looking forward to our trip in March, was that in the intro to some footage of the Lower 9th ward, the camera passed over some writing on the side of an abandoned church. When I was down there with Splotchy last year, I took this picture of that same writing, and it was jarring to see it on the television a year later--it's still there, devastated, defiant and unchanged:

I loved the end of the show, when Anthony basically called on his viewers to get down to New Orleans; whether he meant to rebuild with hammers and nails or by supporting the restaurant and hospitality industry is, I think, left to the viewer.

Well, that's it for tonight folks. God bless you all.

Monday, February 04, 2008

Good morning!


Between the big game and our ongoing Mardi Gras celebration, we've got some cleaning up to do around here. Better tell our guest here to throw some clothes on, grab a snow shovel and start digging the cars out.

Saturday, February 02, 2008

Germany or Florida: and the winner is...


First of all, a big thank you to everyone who participated in the first Germany or Florida quiz of the new year! I think that, with a little luck and determination, over the next year or two we can turn this into the 2007 Chicago Marathon of pointless online trivia quizzes.

I'd like to take this opportunity to welcome some new visitors. Not only did they visit, they jumped right into the game. I'm not sure how or why you showed up lately, but I'm surely glad you did! A hearty compound welcome goes out to:

Mnmom Mnmom seems to be part of that cabal of midwestern bloggers that's somehow associated with Melinda June, Coaster Punchman and Lulu, and she runs a blog called Happy to be from Iowa.

Jess Wundrun
Ms. Wundrun runs the aptly-named I Was Just Wondering. She hails from the Badger State, and after looking around her blog I'm happy to report that she does not appear to suffer from the depravity or necrophilia that seems to plague so many residents of Wisconsin.

Now, on to the results.

The winner is Dino aka Katy. She got every single answer correct. This marks the third time in which Ms. Katy has gotten a perfect score (twice she tied with simian savant Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein). While Ms. Katy wields something of an ethnic advantage, being German, I've seen no Floridians step up to even the playing field. Dr MVM has come close (he appears to have some kind of southern white trash detector) but he opted to sit this one out. Dino aka Katy may now retire from future quizzes, and has been made part of the official Sprawling Ramshackle Compound research team.

An honorable mention goes to Mob, of Dear Bastards, for his impressive 7 correct answers! Mob is from Texas, and I think that helps.

This was a tough one. Most of the stories lacked those subtle cultural cues that are so important. If you scored 5 or above, pat yourself on the back. Thanks in no small part to the educational efforts of this blog, most of you scored 6 out of 9.

Here are the answers, with a link to the original stories.

  1. A sold cellular phone reveals video of a woman beating her child, leading to her arrest.FLORIDA
  2. Neighbors complain about the scantily-clad model on the sign for a "gentlemans club" in their neighborhood. FLORIDA
  3. A business owner fires three non-smoking employees for asking for a smoke-free environment. GERMANY
  4. A yuletide prankster torments his victim by placing Christmas trees in front of his house.FLORIDA (in a town called "Niceville"!)
  5. A man attempting to throw his old Christmas tree out of his apartment window falls three stories and suffers severe head injuries.GERMANY
  6. A travel agency offers a clothing-optional charter flight for customers heading to a beachside nudist resort. GERMANY
  7. A man sets his apartment on fire when he mistakes a bottle of gasoline for a bottle of booze, takes a big gulp and then spits it out. While smoking. GERMANY
  8. A hitman makes four unsuccessful attempts on an elderly couple. FLORIDA
  9. A couple were fired from their jobs when their employer found out that, instead of attending a seminar, they went to an S&M dungeon on the company's dime. GERMANY

Friday, February 01, 2008

Last call for this week's Germany or Florida

Come on, people, where's your competitive spirit?

So far there's only a handful of contestants for the first Germany or Florida contest of 2008. Go take a look and make your picks.

I'll post the results on Saturday.

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Splotchy's Word Meme

Splotchy has slapped the last meme of January on me and a few others, having boldly proclaimed February to be No Meme Month.

His instructions: give 1 noun, 2 verbs and 3 adjectives you like. You can also provide an optional made-up word.

Here are my current likes, as of 10:32 AM, CST:

Noun: imbroglio

Verbs: exsanguinate, saute

Adjectives: impervious, jaunty, seamy

Made up word: blabberous