The hippo and the tortoise should be friends

Hopefully this hippo-tortoise friendship won't be ruined when gamekeepers introduce another hippo into the mix.

Read the entire inspiring story here.

Rent a cop

OK, I promise that one of these days I'll sit down and actually write something, and maybe look up some interesting stories to try and entertain you.

The thing is, I took advantage of the last two "days off" to pick up some corporate security work. I ended up spending 9 hours in a parking lot making sure an executive who'd just been fired didn't come back to the office. Turns out the guy was a total fraud and a nutcase. So, now that I'm done fattening my wallet by taking a break from representing the armed might of the state, and instead representing the armed might of corporate America, I can return to blogging. I started by letting the pod in the basement open up, and I switched over to new Blogger, promptly dehumanizing several commenters and rendering them anonymous. Sorry.

I know there's lots of newsworthy events out there that need my attention. Newsworthy stories like this:

People getting arrested in stolen cars because their girlfriends like to stand up through the sunroof, topless

and this:

Middle-aged Cialis freaks going wild in Myrtle Beach.

The Bears won their first playoff game. I was going to write tons of thoughtful sports commentary. Really.

I was near apoplectic after watching Bush's speech on his "new" plan for Iraq. Fortunately, Johnny Yen said most of what I would've said, only better, here, here, and here. Briefly, here's what really pisses me off about the Iraq "surge": according to the US Army's own Counterinsurgency Field Manual, (written by Lt Gen David Petraeus, newly-appointed Iraq commander) the desirable ratio of soldiers to civilians in a counterinsurgency campaign should be about 20 per 1,000. According to the CIA World Factbook, the population of Iraq is approximately 26,700,000. The population of Baghdad is approximately 5,700,000. By those numbers, then, an ideal counterinsurgency campaign in Baghdad would require about 114,000 soldiers. The ideal figure for the entire nation of Iraq would be about 534,000 soldiers. And Eric Shinseki got shit-canned for having the nerve to suggest as much to a Senate committee before the war started. For any of you military history buffs out there, here's an interesting article on "Force Requirements for Stability Operations" from the US Army War College.

So, in a nutshell, Bush's 20,000-soldier "surge" is just more bullshit.

Ok, what else. I got tagged by Katie Schwartz and I'm terrified that I'll look like a poor sport for not responding. Is it ok to wait a week or so before doing one of those things, or is there some expiration date?

Speaking of not responding, my procrastination seems to get worse lately. I have boxes of documents that I need to get rid of (one box of documents from a failed union organizing drive and another of old travel brochures and law enforcement magazines) and two other boxes of documents I desperately need to sort out. SOON. Because a lot of my 2006 tax records are in there, and got thrown in and mixed up with a lot of other crap during a round of frantic pre-holiday-let's-get-the-house-ready-for-company housecleaning. I plan on running in the Chicago Marathon again this year, but I haven't run since Thanksgiving and I'm now tipping the scales at 215 pounds. Did you know that the Chicago Area Runners Association has a category for runners like me? They call us Clydesdales.

I'm chock-full of vaguely formed big plans, yes indeed. Maybe I'll start working on them tomorrow.

I'm pictured here collapsing into the arms of my devoted wife after realizing that January is more than half over and I haven't accomplished a damn thing, in spite of having at least appeared to be quite busy.

Let's waste some time

Practice your archery skills with Bowman.

My gift to you this morning.

Yeah, I got something for you, Elmo...

John and Amanda Beth, don't let my niece see this:

Scorpions on a plane!

You know one thing you don't expect to encounter on a flight from Chicago to Vermont?

Scorpions.

An unlucky fellow flying on a United flight from Chicago to Vermont was repeatedly stung by a scorpion:

"The scorpion bit David Sullivan on the back of his right leg, just below the knee, crawled up through his crotch and down his left leg, he thinks, before getting him again in the shin."

It looks like the feisty arachnid stowed away on a flight from Houston, Texas to Chicago.

Thanks to the ever-vigilant Johnny for the tip on this one.

R.I.P. Iwao Takamoto

Iwao Takamoto, the creator of Scooby-Doo and director of the original Charlotte's Web, died at the age of 81 in Los Angeles. Takamoto's death follows a few weeks after that of famed animator and founder of Hanna-Barbera, Joseph Barbera.

Mr. Takamoto learned the art of illustration from fellow internees at the Manzanar internment camp during WWII, and went to work at Disney after the war. He worked as an assistant to Milt Kahl (who animated Pinocchio and Tigger among others) before joining Hanna-Barbera in the early 60's.

This piece by Neely Tucker in the Washington Post hits the right note, I think:

You had to be 8 years old, really, on your third bowl of Cap'n Crunch's Crunch Berries (your parents were still asleep, dreaming on a Saturday morning that you and your brother were already off at college), when the sugar rush was reaching your toenails, when the theme song came on in its complete and utter brilliance:

Scooby Dooby Doo, where are you?

Finally, I could find no evidence (other than having his name attached to the project as "creative producer") that Mr. Takamoto had anything to do with the abomination that was Scrappy Doo.

Clown of the week

Hey, you.

I'm your friend. I'm not like all the others...

Hey, got any bacon?

Do these dogs look hungry? The one in the foreground is Duffy, he's our terrier mutt from the local shelter. That regal and yet somehow deranged-looking girl in the background is Rio. She's a shepherd/husky/rottweiler mutt that we've recently taken in. She and Duffy spend most of their time chewing on each other's necks and chasing each other around the house.

Jack, our rat terrier, is not in this picture. He found a safe place and is in hiding.

I was cooking dinner when I snapped this shot. I had two days off work, and took advantage of the time to make a couple of hearty dinners. Last night was grillades and baked grits. Tonight was smothered round steak with onions, green beans and corn maque choux. The dogs have identified me as a soft touch, and the instant they hear a knife hitting a cutting board they run into the kitchen to see what's up.

Yeah, baby...happy birthday, Elvis. We miss you.

Elvis, we miss you man. All we got left now are short impersonators and their gorilla-suited sidekicks. Lord knows they're trying, Elvis, but no one's TCB.

In Dreams

Dale recently posted about a dream he had, and it got me thinking about my own freak dreams. The most disturbing aspect of Dale's dream, far as I could tell, was a hideous man damaging some DVD packaging. No spiders, no snakes, no unspeakable evil presence bursting through a closed door with a horrible roaring sound that's somewhere between the Exorcist and the Evil Dead.

MizBubs tells me I have far fewer nightmares than I used to. I used to have a pretty wide variety of horrible dreams; fortunately nowadays most of my bad dreams fall into standard cop categories: trying to shoot someone and the gun won't work, chasing someone and can't catch up, etc. From what I"m told I wake pretty violently at times, and I can sit up and move around quite a bit while still asleep, so I've never kept a firearm anywhere within reach of where I sleep.

I still have some bad dreams about f*cking up crime scenes that I'm responsible for, watching evidence get destroyed, but those don't come very often. Another (thank God, infrequent) dream is one where I commit a crime like a bank robbery or a murder and at the moment I'm pulling the trigger or taking the money I am fully aware that I've essentially thrown my life away in that moment.

On the good side, I have some nice dreams about taking road trips and then finding out that I'm really much closer to places I've always wanted to go than I thought I'd be--like, in the dream I'm driving to downstate Illinois to go camping and I suddenly discover that in another 2 or 3 hours I can be in Las Vegas, stuff like that. And at least once or twice a month my dad shows up in my dreams and I get to talk with him, and that's always good. I'd like more visits from my old dogs, though, I wish I could find a way to will that into my dreams.

I'm not even going to talk about sex. No. All I can say is, thank God those are some real good dreams.

Let's listen to some Roy Orbison.

La erotica del robot?

"Now there's more things in Tennessee
Than's dreamed of in your philosophy..."
-Lux Interior


This is what I like about the internet. While absent-mindedly clicking the "next blog>>" button I found a blog titled Fogonazos (which translates loosely as "flashes") and was greeted at the top of the page by a picture of a pert-looking gal from the 1950's hugging a robot. And the title of the post: La erotica del robot. This is precisely the kind of cultural diversity I can get behind, and it makes me wish I'd ever bothered to master another language, or even English. Fortunately, our god-kings at Google have a translation tool, and guess what? "The erotica of the robot" is pretty darn entertaining in badly-translated English:

"Just as the fetichismo of the feet exists or of lencería French, certain type of people we experienced a morbosa sensation before the vision of a robot next to a young woman. One is not about an explicit desire of sex with robots - as in the case of the fetichismo of the robot - but inexplicable a sexual fantasy, produced by the frightful presence of the robot in front of the fragile bodies of the protagonists."

Wow. I always figured that Robby the Robot got a lot of action, but did you know the Daleks have actually appeared in a porno? But wait, I got even more of an education. I clicked on that "fetichismo of the robot" link and found out, courtesy of Wikipedia, that robot fetishism is closely related to statuephilia, also known as agalmatophilia or Pygmalionism: a sexual attraction to statues or dolls...or, bringing it back to an article I posted last week, mannequins.

And I thought I knew all the paraphilias. Whew.

Oops: Army sends recruiting letters to dead soldiers

According to this story in the Army Times, a letter sent to several thousand recently separated officers, encouraging them to return to service, also went to the addresses of 75 officers who've died. 250 injured officers also received the recruiting letters by accident.

The Army is mortified and says it's sorry.

I'm a Counselor Idealist! (INFJ)

"Counselors value their integrity a great deal, but they have intricately woven, mysterious personalities which sometimes puzzle even them. "

Yeah, I confuse the hell out of myself! I am definitely driven by things I only dimly comprehend. Or don't comprehend at all. Well, it keeps Bubs on his toes!

Hey, it's the new year. Test & classify yourself

Aren't you tired of just careening along from year to year, driven by forces (or voices inside your head) that you only, at best, dimly comprehend? I know I am. So this year, I decided to take an honest assessment of my strengths and weaknesses before starting out on my brave new life. I started on the internets, of course. And I found this:

A fun little personality test based on Myers-Briggs.

Just 72 simple yes or no questions, and you're on the road to improved performance through heightened self-awareness.

I discovered that I am an ENFP: Extroverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Perceiving type. The folks here at Kiersey.com describe the type as the "Champion Idealist." I'll be a monkey's uncle if this doesn't sound like me:

"...This strong drive to unveil current events can make them tireless in conversing with others, like fountains that bubble and splash, spilling over their own words to get it all out."

In other words, the ENFP can be a relentless windbag. Mea culpa.

Random New Year

Check out what everyone else is shuffling over at American Idle.

Kiss—Tom Jones

Everybody’s Happy Nowadays—The Buzzcocks

The Young Savages—Martin Denny

Jungle Hop—The Cramps

Bridge Over Troubled Water—Johnny Cash

Man Smart (Woman Smarter)—Harry Belafonte

Close to You—The Carpenters

Drug Train—Social Distortion

Whistling in the Dark—They Might Be Giants

Why Did You Wander—Bill Monroe & His Bluegrass Boys

Parrot's oratory stuns scientists

This story from the BBC tells of a parrot (an African Grey named N'kisi) who has a vocabulary of 950 words. N'kisi is, by all accounts, one talkative and charming parrot.

The parrot pictured at left is Barney. Barney talked a bit, and could be a very entertaining fellow. But Barney had a dark side. His sweet, whimsical moments were often followed by shrieking and biting, and the tang of human blood in the air.

The BBC, to my knowledge, has never done a feature story on Barney.

No happy new year for mannequin fetishist

Ronald A. Dotson, of Detroit, faces a life sentence for smashing the front window of a cleaning supply company and stealing a female mannequin dressed in a French maid uniform. Oooh la la.

Mr. Dotson has at least 6 convictions for similar mannequin-related burglaries. He's being charged as an habitual offender.

I wonder where mannequin fetishists fall in the prison pecking order? More respect than child sex offenders and snitches, sure, but probably less than armed robbers.

What do you want?

Killer sharks descend on Florida coast

Experts say all signs point to a massive attack by man-eating sharks some time in the new year. A school of kill-crazy bull sharks were recently spotted conducting a reconnaissance off the coast of Fort Pierce. The MSM buried this story so as not to interfere with consumer spending over the holidays.

Welcome to 2007. Enjoy the ride

Good morning!

Happy New Year, sleepyheads.

Happy New Year!

Normally this is the time for looking back over the past year, reflecting on one's struggles and successes, and casting a hopeful glance forward, into the future.

You'll find none of that here.

No, all you'll get is a picture of my sister-in-law Kate's hand, holding aloft our last drink creation of 2006:

The Don Ho Motherf*cker.

The DHMF is kind of a high-octane Blue Hawaii topped with champagne (tiny bubbles, of course) and served in a festive Don Ho tiki mug. We've worked on this recipe for several months, and I'm still not satisfied; fortunately this is the prototype, and there's always room to improve. In the short time since I've served these, while we wait for the oven to preheat, I have discovered that there needs to be a one-drink limit on the DHMF.

Here's hoping y'all have a good night tonight and a good tomorrow. If 2006 beat the sh*t out of you, I hope 2007 treats you better. If 2006 was good, I hope you build on your successes.

Bottoms up!

The Addams Family VS The Munsters

Hannah, one of my brilliant daughters, made an interesting observation today.

In our middle class suburb, we are considered a bit "different". Not in the "here come the cops again" way, but in the "my, what an interesting collection of dancing skeletons" and "you like your kids music?" kind of way. Beyond these superficial oddities, however, we are the traditional, two parent, two kid, two dog "Leave it to Beaver" type family.

Hannah has noticed that the "normal" families, who outwardly appear like the 21st century suburban norm, are frequently dysfunctional nightmares. This is not news to most of us, of course, but I want to share Hannah's analogy between the Addams Family, The Munsters, and real life.

The Munsters expend most of their energy trying to understand and replicate what they perceive to be "normal" behavior. Lily wants nothing more than to have tea with ladies in pillbox hats. Herman wants to be "one of the boys" down at the funeral parlor. Eventually all this social striving simply leads to family strife.

The Addams family, on the other hand, pays no attention to the outside world. They are friendly, but ultimately dismissive of those who dissaprove or can't understand thier values and preferences. The children play well together, happily blowing things up with their favorite uncle. Morticia and Gomez are not only happily married, but still in love.

Our girls have always said that Bubs and I are like Morticia and Gomez, but the similarities thankfully go beyond our breaking into dance at odd moments. After years of self-doubt, we have come to embrace our particular style of parenting and living. Our children are interesting and charming, Bubs and I are still in love, and the rocky road of life is our rollercoaster, not Death Race 2000.

Here's to 2007, and may we all find our internal Addams Family!

Tomorrow Begins Today

That's the slogan that the John Edwards campaign is putting out as he announces his candidacy.

I was in New Orleans twice since Katrina; the first time just a few days after the levees broke, when I volunteered with other police officers, and then again this past March as part of the St Bernard Recovery Project, with Habitat for Humanity. (You can look at all the pictures here.)

I am impressed that John Edwards chose the 9th Ward to announce his candidacy. Right now he's the only candidate I've seen who seems to be speaking for the working person and the poor, and who seems willing to address the widening gap in our nation between the haves and have-nots. I hope he doesn't disappoint me.

Here's a preview of his campaign announcement that's on YouTube. You can visit his website here.



I'll get back to the usual sideshow shortly.

Reflections on Gerald Ford

The recent death of President Gerald Ford has given me cause for reflection, as I'm sure it has most Americans. Specifically, I started thinking about Lynette "Squeeky" Fromme. And then, shortly after, how much Squeeky Fromme, in some pictures, looked like Pee Wee Herman.

50 Greatest Cartoons

OK, this is one of the coolest lists I've ever seen: 50 Greatest Cartoons. Who cares that they're all from North America? I know I don't. The list is based on a 1999 book, The 50 Greatest Cartoons: As Selected By 1,000 Animation Professionals. Anyway, the folks at CityRag found online video for all but 6 of the top 50.

Go ahead and click this here link and check out the list. Have fun!

Huh? Huh.

I almost wish I were at work. Christmas left me so happily dazed, distracted and exhausted that I can't really get much done today, and it seems like a waste of a day off. MizBubs had to return to work at the libary today, Hannah is curled up with her new copy of American Sideshow, and Nora is watching her new collector's edition DVD of Pulp Fiction. John Travolta is driving overdosed Uma Thurman to Eric Stoltz' house for a shot in the sternum. Good times.

Hope everyone had a good holiday. Here's to a pointless week of lowered productivity in anticipation of New Year's Eve!

Manliest Christmas ever...

The initial frenzy is over...the second pot of coffee is percolating, and I'm still pondering the great mystery of how teenage girls who normally have to be dragged out of bed at 11 in the morning can suddenly, and without an alarm, wake up before 6 am. Even the dogs were excited.

We all came downstairs and there it was--my manliest Christmas ever. There was a Bettie Page magnet set, and socks with flaming dice on them, and Bookers bourbon, and a new Leatherman tool and folding knife and all kinda good stuff. Whew. Sadly I can't hit the Christmas bourbon (a real treat with some strong, manly coffee at 7 in the morning, believe me) because it's time to get ready for work.

Merry Christmas

The S.R.C. helpful guide to last-minute shopping

Many people visit this website for useful, up-to-date information on important topics such as freaks, animal attacks and tasty drink recipes. Tonight I'm adding a new service: a comprehensive guide to last minute shopping. And by last minute, I mean, last minute. Shortly before midnight on Christmas Eve. Heck, even laster-minute than that. Thanks to the corporate slavedrivers at Walgreens, you can do your last minute shopping on Christmas day even, on your way to whatever family function it is you're going to. This sign says it all: Yes, I know it's a little blurry. But that's just how it looks to your average Christmas Eve drunkard, roaming desperately through the northwest suburbs, chainsmoking and swearing to baby Jesus that next year he won't procrastinate like this.

I used to tell people I did all my Christmas shopping on December 23 and 24, at Walgreens. I don't know anyone whose heart isn't warmed by opening a hastily-wrapped gift to discover the newest Chia novelty or a tasty Whitman Sampler. But now Walgreens has so much more to offer. Here are a few ideas:

1) Check out the picture frame and photo album display Grab a reasonably-priced frame and then wander over to the magazine section. Pick out a magazine with lots of nice pictures inside. Cut out the prettiest page and fit it into the frame. Everyone loves a beautiful piece of artwork!

2) Head for the toy aisle. The Walgreens closest to me added a second half of an aisle dedicated to inexpensive Chinese imports. They've got everything from toy soldiers to Floam to discontinued models of Barbie.

3) Buy an appliance!
You can get a staggering array of kitchen gadgets. Trust me, that special girl in your life will LOVE getting a brand new omlette maker! And she'll likely be even more impressed when she finds out you only paid $9.99 for it; chicks dig guys who are both thoughtful and thrifty.

Here are two useful tips for fitting in when you make your late night or early morning shopping run:

1) Smoke a lot of cigarettes right before you go inside. It seems like most of the people shopping at Walgreens after 10 pm on Christmas eve smell heavily of cigarette smoke. And maybe booze, but that might be aftershave. Or something.

2) Talk on a cell phone. Hitting the Walgreens can be a team effort. For every brave Joe prowling the aisles, there's a resilient, maybe even long-suffering, Jane at home whispering guidance into his ear.

Just don't try and buy any Club Man hair tonic for your brother. They're sold out.

Merry Christmas!

My dog is pretty damn festive

This is Duffy, in his festive holiday antler headgear. He's excited about Santa coming. You can see him, if you look closely, staring out of the front window, just under the Christmas tree.

Holiday artwork

Courtesy of Photo Shop. You can find more examples here.

Blue Christmas

Sing it Elvis. We still miss you.

Christmas: BRING IT ON!

Yeah baby...

There is nothing planned for the next two days, all I gots to do now is wrap some presents and do some baking. Maybe a run to Binny's on Saturday morning, after Woodfield. I'm thinking of doing something goofy--like heading out to Woodfield for some aimless last-minute shopping. They open at 7 am tomorrow.

In the meantime, enjoy this little video set to one of my favorite Christmas tunes: "The Merriest." I'd lie and tell you this was taken from my family's old home movies, but no one in it is holding a drink or an Erik cigarette.

The YouTube user has disabled the embed feature, so to watch it you'll have to click this here link. It's worth the trip.

Pain pills + nudity=Chrismas fun!

This story comes from Dena, the Compound's south side bureau chief. I'll give you my favorite quote from the story:

...Brewer didn’t know who he was, where his clothes were or how he’d gotten to Damascus.

“I’m standing here with this naked man handcuffed and then here comes Santa Claus,” Richardson said. “I said, ‘Can it get any better than this?’ ”

I'm not sure that it can.

How many shopping days?

Three. Which is plenty of time to shop, but no time at all to send Christmas cards if you haven't already. So, let me take this opportunity to thank everyone who sent us a Christmas card this year. I love them all, and I appreciate the gesture. But I just can't get it together to send all those cards out. I'm just one of those assholes who can't even manage the common courtesy of a holiday greeting card. I'm sorry.

This is the third or fourth year that we really haven't sent out cards. Each year I make lists, and plans, to get them all out the first week after Thanksgiving. I even bought a roll of stamps at Costco. And then I sit down, and before I address even a single envelope, I am overwhelmed, paralyzed even, by the knowledge of how they'll all end up: displayed, briefly, on a door or shelf, and then into the trash. Since we don't use the Christmas card as a forum to send out a family newsletter, or charming pictures of our small children (now 14 and 17 and not so eager to dress in goofy seasonal costumes), it just seems pointless. So instead, I drink, which I'm doing now. And bake, and cook. I'm good at that stuff. And I'm a good host, and I love having guests, and I always bring a bottle of something good to a party, or a nice dish to a potluck. And I like giving presents. Just please, for the love of God, don't ask me to send cards. At that, I suck.

Anyway, here's what's on the hi-fi:

I Ran (So Far Away) – Flock of Seagulls

Watch Her Disappear – Tom Waits

Rawhide – Link Wray

Lagos Mambo – West African Rhythm Brothers

Charge It – Playboys

Kuk – The Trashmen

In the Name of Love – Thompson Twins

Hot Cha – They Might Be Giants

With Plenty of Money and You – Tony Bennett

Uranium Rock – Warren Smith

Yeah...it's that time again

Mmmmm...holiday sweets

I have just had a very, very tasty finish to my meal.

Last Friday I ordered some sweets from Uniquely Yours Pastry Shoppe. I had run across her blog Jintrinsique Unplugged a while ago, and saw a few people talk about her baked goods. Well, let me tell you, they are delicious.

We ordered some black pearl truffles, and some pecan tassies. When the package arrived today, Jin graciously included a lagniappe: a sample of two petits four, which MizBubs immediately declared, upon tasting, to be the best petits four she'd ever had. So there.

The pecan tassies were buttery, flaky little pecan pie tarts that just melt away on the palate. They are pleasantly lighter and less dense than I'd pictured them when I ordered. The black pearl truffles were exceptional--both daughters went silent, eyes wide, and made contented little mewing sounds upon eating them. The contrast between the toasted sesame seeds and dark chocolate shell, and the soft rich center, is really wonderful. It dances on the tongue.

Ahh, the sweets of Christmas. Only a few more days to go. I'm gonna fatten up reeeaal good.

2006: The Year In Review

I got this idea from my sister-in-law Kate, and I tweaked it a little. Here’s how it works:

You take the first couple of lines from the first and last post for each month. Feel free to edit stuff out, or add stuff that wasn’t there in the first place, to make for more entertaining reading. Run them all together chronologically and you have your year in review, all in a neat little package. Go ahead. Try it for yourself. Reduce all of the last 12 months to a few random lines of print.

So, without further ado, here’s my 100% accurate, mostly complete, totally concise

YEAR IN REVIEW

May: I'm finally going to follow my kids' examples and start a blog. What I hope to do is have a place where I can spout off to a potentially large audience (much larger, anyway, than family campouts, holiday meals and parties) and also to connect folks with widely varying interests and backgrounds.

Hah! Lance Armstrong is cleared of doping. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, France.

June: Robert Kosilek has been serving a life sentence in prison since 1990, after being convicted of strangling his wife. Now going by the name "Michelle" he's suing the Massachussets Department of Correction for the 2nd time, trying to get the state to pay for a sex change operation.

It's no longer chaos here at the compound. Almost all of the errands are done.

July: "Anyone who idolizes a zombie dope fiend is going to burn in hell."
--James Denson, also 78, whose mother was Elvis' mother Gladys' good friend.

You know that distinct briny taste you get in your mouth when you go to the beach, or go snorkeling? It's the taste of BACTERIA!!!!

August: I miss Andy Kaufman. What can I say?

MizBubs and I recently returned from fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada, where we:
-belatedly celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary,
-said goodbye to summer and sunshine, and
-spent some good time alone, together, to steel ourselves for the hubbub of school and MizBubs' return to full-time employment.

September: This is the farm owned by some of MizBubs' extended family (her sister's in-laws) about an hour west of Dubuque, Iowa.

This is from Viva Las Vegas VIII in 2005. I thought hurtling down a parking ramp in one of these looked like a swell time, but Miz Bubs assured me that was the beer talking.

October: Dig my suede vest. I was very groovy. And studious.

"Kill the brain and you kill the ghoul."

November: This is me, about to light the fuse, and I have that same sense of fierce determination and anticipation.

Check out this picture:
I get home from work at eleven o'clock, after driving through what's turning into a pretty intense ice storm out here in the northwest suburbs.

December: Today started with having to deal with the consequences of District 214's truly sh*tty and backwards-ass decision to NOT cancel classes for today: by 7:30 the car was dug out, cleaned off and the driveway was shoveled, and I had deposited one unhappy daughter at school. MizBubs, girl dynamo, cleared off the sidewalk and helped the neighbor dig out before I got home.

Happy New Year!

Wednesday's random factoid

According to the February, 2004 Harper's Index, a Hummer H2 could be driven around the world 244 times on the excess calories Americans consume each year.

Let's end this Tuesday on a good note

Me and MizBubs found ourselves childless tonight. Wow. The Christmas shopping is done, the girls are gone for the night (school break and all) and being the slacker househusband that I am, I got no dinner ready. So, what to do?

Head to The Tiki Terrace for a few Mai Tai's, that's what. How fortunate are we to have a good tiki bar so close to our house? Pretty damn lucky. They serve good food, too, and Tuesday is $3 Mai Tai night. We had some udon noodles, some fried coconut chicken, a few Mai Tai's, and some lovely conversation with Phil and Eileen who were working there tonight. Nice people. Then we returned home, MizBubs to her knitting and I to the Chuck Pahliniuk novel I got at the library yesterday (Lullaby.)

To top it off, on the drive home we listened to Tom Waits' version of "Young At Heart" from Orphans. It features a very Hawaiian-sounding steel guitar. Kismet.

Dude! Will White Castle profits soar along with US weed production?

According to this article in the Guardian, marijuana is now the NUMBER ONE CASH CROP IN THE UNITED STATES. I'm sorry, didn't mean to yell.

As someone from the midwest, who's spent hours driving through apparently endless fields of corn and soybeans, I find the idea that American-grown weed is worth more than all that corn and soy just mind-boggling.

The study appears here on the Bulletin for Cannabis Reform page. You can read about their estimation methods here.

I remember reading, years ago, that marijuana had passed tobacco as the top crop in states like Kentucky and North Carolina. Well, here's the top ten producing states according to this table:

1) California (no surprise there)
2) Tennessee
3) Kentucky (do I swell with home state pride? Or what?)
4) Hawaii
5) Washington
6) North Carolina
7) Florida
8) Alabama
9) West Virginia
10) Oregon

Illinois placed 19, behind our Hoosier neighbors to the east (17). We are, however, way ahead of Iowa (43) and Wisconsin (27). Evidently cornfed meth freaks and brandy-swilling cheeseheads don't have what it takes to make good pot farmers.

Merry Christmas from the U.K.

According to this story in the Mirror, an unemployed gent thought it would be fun to put up this 10' tall tree, trimmed with lights, shaped like a phallus.

The man lives in...wait for it...

Penistone.

Happy holidays!

Freak of the week

Goes to Marco Castro, a senior at Wheaton North High School.

Marco did something very special to some ranch dressing in the school cafeteria.

Happy holidays!

Nashville, Indiana

We evacuated the Compound and went into hiding this weekend. I planned this little getaway a few weeks ago; my thinking was that everyone would be feeling a little frazzled, and it would be a good idea for the four of us to just get away together and relax a bit before the home stretch.

I rented a cabin at Brown County State Park in Nashville, Indiana. The plan was we'd drive down there Friday afternoon, walk around the woods, go to some antique stores on Saturday, walk around the woods some more, and drive home Sunday. Along the way we'd have some meaningful conversations, and return feeling strengthened and renewed, ready for Christmas and all its joys and challenges.

In brief: the cabin was great, Brown County State Park was great. Our cabin was perched at the top of a ridge, looking down over a little creek. The view was lovely. The woods around the cabin were full of birds, particularly woodpeckers. The cabin also had one of the most wonderful lamps I've ever seen. The lamp was constructed of wood and little glued stones and had a tiny deer head on it, and a little glowing orange lightbulb to simulate the fire in a fireplace. You could find many items like it for sale in Nashville.

The town of Nashville was a touristy waste of time. It was probably fun 20 or 30 years ago, but it's now full of places that spell shop "shoppe" and time "tyme." We found shoppes with "ye" and "olde" but we were disappointed that there was no single shoppe that pulled it all together; something like "Ye Olde Tyme Curiousity Shoppe." The smothering odor of potpourri sachets and scented candles hung over the entire town. Picture Frankenmuth, Michigan, or an overly-themed Long Grove, Illinois. I was thankful that it was off-season, so we didn't have to deal with hordes of well-fed, middle-aged Harley Davidson enthusiasts and bus tour groups.

Being in the woods, though, however briefly, was restorative. Saturday night we walked down the ravine behind our cabin and crossed a little wooden footbridge to sit on a wooden bench. It was lovely, sitting there listening to the creek, the smell of damp earth, leaves and wood smoke finally driving away the cloying tang of fake pumpkin pie spice candles. Brown County, geologically speaking, is a beautiful place, and worth visiting to hike or camp.

On Saturday afternoon we drove up to Jonathan Byrd's Cafeteria, just south of Indianapolis on I-65. We met my mom, brothers and their families, and our oldest family friends, Sam and Thelma, for lunch there. Sam and Thelma live in Louisville, and it seemed like a good place for everyone to meet. My brothers and my mom planned this, and it worked out great that we were going to be in the area anyway that weekend. We spent a couple of hours sitting and talking after lunch, catching up. One of my oldest memories is of "driving" a car on Dixie Highway outside Louisville; in the freewheeling days before we all became so concerned with things like child seats and safety belts, Sam let me sit in his lap and steer while we all drove somewhere. I should've asked where it was we actually ended up that day. Anyway, if you're ever driving on 65 and need to strap on a feedbag, Jonathan Byrd's is a good place to stop.

Speaking of food, I found two regional treats that I'd never eaten before: sugar cream pie and fried biscuits. Mmmm MMM. Sugar cream pie is also known as Hoosier sugar cream pie, or Indiana cream pie. It's a recipe that originates with Shaker communities in southern Indiana. Picture a very rich, buttery but not too sweet custard pie, and you've just about got it. We saw "fried biscuits and apple butter" advertised in a bunch of restaurants around Brown County. On Saturday night we ate dinner at the Abe Martin Lodge, and they served a basket of fried biscuits with dinner. Oh man.

Fried biscuits are basically balls of biscuit dough, deep-fried, dusted in sugar and cinammon, and served with apple butter. Oh lord, were they good. We got a second basket to go, and ate them for breakfast Sunday morning. I'm looking for a good recipe to do this one at home.

As far as antique stores, we didn't find a single one in or around Nashville. Nothing but pukey ducks and scented candles. Oh, and did I mention you could buy potpourri? There was also a place purporting to be a "winery" that was actually selling wine from California for about $10 a bottle more than I'd pay at Binny's. We did find an excellent place on 6th Street in Bloomington, right off Walnut, and spent a couple hours there on Sunday.

Well, it's getting late and it's time to get to bed. It's good to be home.

Random Dinner Conversation

Hannah: Am I right in thinking that XXXXX is kinda funny looking?

MizBubs: She's not as funny looking as she used to be.

Hannah: That's true.

---

I have no idea who they were talking about. I wish I did, though.

I got a Christmas card today

Yeah, I know it's really only an advertisement for VLV X, but I like it anyway.

Last-minute gift for that special V.U. fan in your life

Now's the chance to pick up that perfect last-minute gift for the Velvet Underground fan who has everything.

The original 12" LP acetate of the very first Velvet Underground record is up for auction on eBay.

Bidding is currently at $20,255. Now, get a load of this:

The seller bought it in 2002, at a street sale in New York for 75 cents.

Road Trip!

Time to get out of town for a couple days. We'll be hiding out in a cabin in the woods in southern Indiana.

Today's random ten hits the road:

Not Responsible – Tom Jones

Mansions for Me – Bill Monroe

Poor Little Critter on the Road – The Knitters

This Could Be The Start of Something Big – Jack Jones

Making Plans for Nigel – Nouvelle Vague

One More Time – Roy Head

I’m A Man You Don’t Meet Every Day – The Pogues

Kool Kat – Bill Sherwell

Voodoo Dreams – Les Baxter

I Want Candy – Bow Wow Wow

Easy on the ice...

All the snow is melted now, so I need something else to keep me in that holiday mood. This ought to do it.

...Obviously calculated to stimulate the reader

This seemingly obvious statement, made in regard to girlie magazines of the early 1960’s, is only one of many gems to be found in the following film.

You can find this educational feature, and many others, in the same place you find Reg Kehoe and his Marimba Queens: the Prelinger Archives. Go visit them. It's another wonderland of public domain educational and industrial films.

Cheesehead kills freak deer

What has seven legs, male and female reproductive organs and nub antlers?

According to this story from the Fon du Lac Reporter, the answer is a freak deer that got run over by a truck. And of course, after running down the hermaphroditic deer with the extra limbs, cheesehead driver ate it.

At least he didn't f*ck it by the side of the road, as far as we know. That happens in Wisconsin.

You can see pictures of the deer here.

Lucky Brooklynites

They get to see Lou Reed perform Berlin as a stage show.

According to this story in the NY Times, the production features sets designed by Julian Schnabel (who's also filming the event), and a children's choir.

I can't imagine having much more fun than knocking back a few stiff drinks and seeing a live performance of The Kids:






They're taking her children away
because they said she was not a good mother
They're taking her children away
because of the things she did in the streets
In the alleys and bars, no she couldn't be beat
that miserable rotten slut couldn't turn, anyone away

Happy holidays!!

Clean-cut Bubs

Nothing like a good haircut.

Listen up, gents, if you're looking for a good haircut (and they do shaves, too) head over to the Belmont Barbershop at 2328 W. Belmont. This was the first time I've been there and I'm happy with the results.

Check out that clean nape.

Even better, their prices are excellent--$15 for a cut, and they carry my favorite pomade, Layrite. I picked up a jar of it at Viva Las Vegas 8, and just ran out of it a few weeks ago.

YEEE HAW!

Lawmaker aims to allow the blind to hunt | Oddly Enough | Reuters.com

No Comment

I don't know what's going on, but today I've tried posting comments at Johnny Yen, OK Fine, Whatever, Notes from Davey Jones' Locker, and Melinda June, and a couple other blogs I can't recall at the moment. For some reason Blogger is not allowing me to do this. It's like a random Google gag order. I hate it.

I'm pissed off. Here I am, feeling talkative, and actually having the time to talk, and I'm thwarted. Stupid technology. I'm going back to signal flags, messages bottles and graffiti.

My Christmas Spirit Refuses to Die!

Not even sleep deprivation, sex offenders, violent crime, overtime, work-related holiday parties, drug overdose, autopsy and bureaucracy, can wreck my sense of holiday cheer. Nope. My Christmas spirit is indomitable.

This last week was something.

Our family, for all its chaotic zaniness, has always placed a premium on buying and decorating a tree together every year. Over the past couple of years, though, our tree-buying expeditions have gotten smaller, and I’ve missed the decorating once or twice as well. This year Hannah (our youngest) and I managed to get a tree while MizBubs and the Mad Seamstress were both at work. It was important to get the tree last Sunday afternoon, because I had to go out of town for a couple days to attend a seminar, and we didn’t want to wait much longer. So, we got the tree, bundled it into the back of the minivan, and got it home. We didn’t get time to put it up before I left on Monday. MizBubs did an admirable job of cutting it, getting it inside, and set up in our dining room while I was gone. It’s still there, undecorated. It’s been there all week like that, fresh and green and piney-smelling, but oddly naked.

I spent a couple days in Champaign, Illinois, attending a class on investigating officer-involved shootings. My department sent me to this class by myself, and I didn’t really know anyone else in the class. This meant that, for the first time in 18 years, I went to bed early while I was out of town at a seminar. I ate a good meal at a place called Radio Maria, and found a neat little vintage shop called Carrie’s, where I got some good gifts that I can’t talk about here without spoiling someone’s surprise. Best of all, I found a pristine copy of Hillbilly Holiday for $5! The CD contains four extra tracks of hillbilly Christmas goodness featuring Faron Young, Johnny Horton, the Davis Sisters and Buck Owens. It's out of print, and the cheapest I've seen it on Amazon is $50!

The class was informative and good, but two days of studying worst-case scenarios, gunshot wounds, lawsuits, police fatalities and the like left me a little drained and happy to get home. Then it was back to work, trying to catch up on some administrative crap and some cases I was working on to clear my desk for my 13-day holiday. Most of it was just routine—lots of forgeries and financial crimes, and the usual thefts and domestic batteries. I had one woman who believed someone else used her name during a 1985 arrest (she found out during a background check she had to undergo for a license she was applying for) and wanted her name cleared. The mug photo from 1985 was gone, the arresting officer long since retired. I got the original inked fingerprints from 1985, and submitted them as “unknown”; the results matched to the woman I was dealing with. According to the fingerprints, she was, in fact, the person arrested by our department back in 1985. I don’t see how someone could forget being arrested 20 years ago, but I guess it happens.

Then this weekend hit. An 18 year old girl died in her bed early Saturday morning. It looks like it was probably an overdose; I went to the autopsy Sunday morning and the medical examiner explained the telltale signs. We won't know for sure for at least 6 or 8 weeks, when the toxicology report comes back. What got me, and this is the first time something like this ever happened to me, was that the girl looked quite a bit like my oldest daughter. I tracked down her boyfriend, who I know as a burglar and junkie, ready to tear into him. Instead, I found myself faced with a 20 year old, on methadone for 6 months now after a 4-year addiction to heroin, who couldn’t stop crying because of his dead girlfriend. I did get an idea of where she might have scored before she died, but we might never know for sure.

That same weekend one of our officers caught a weenie-waver at the library. The freak was kneeling between the stacks, tugging away, and the officer grabbed him and handcuffed him so quickly the freak didn’t have time to get the, uh, offending part back in his pants. I talked to this guy for almost 2 hours, and found out that he loves visiting local libraries and masturbates in public or exposes himself almost every day. He also prefers looking at porn on the computers at the Chicago Public Libraries, because, he said “it’s easier.” Oh well. He had a stack of computer-printed photos, folded up and, eh..stuck together...with him when he got arrested. He printed them (thanks Chicago Public Library!) from a website that specializes in fully-clothed young women sitting on, and trampling, and rubbing their feet in the faces of passive, dopey-looking men.

I finally got to the end of the workday yesterday, and attended my final work-related party of the season. I bugged out early and got home to watch the second half of the Bears game. The best thing about yesterday turned out to be falling asleep during the post-game, snoozing happily in my knowledge of a Bears win with a belly full of holiday bourbon.

I’m cooking dinner for my family for the first time in over a week tonight: Cajun fish, sweet potatoes and greens. After dinner we’ll finally decorate our naked little Christmas tree, and all will be right with the world.

Oh, and I hope to have some more fun stuff posted later this week, before our trip to Indiana.

Uh-oh

Katy had an amusing quiz on her site: What tarot card are you? This was one I hadn't seen before, so I took it.

I'm not sure what to make of the result:

You are The Devil

Materiality. Material Force. Material temptation; sometimes obsession

The Devil is often a great card for business success; hard work and ambition.

Perhaps the most misunderstood of all the major arcana, the Devil is not really "Satan" at all, but Pan the half-goat nature god and/or Dionysius. These are gods of pleasure and abandon, of wild behavior and unbridled desires. This is a card about ambitions; it is also synonymous with temptation and addiction. On the flip side, however, the card can be a warning to someone who is too restrained, someone who never allows themselves to get passionate or messy or wild - or ambitious. This, too, is a form of enslavement. As a person, the Devil can stand for a man of money or erotic power, aggressive, controlling, or just persuasive. This is not to say a bad man, but certainly a powerful man who is hard to resist. The important thing is to remember that any chain is freely worn. In most cases, you are enslaved only because you allow it.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

YEAH IT'S VACATION NOW, BABY!!

And at the compound, vacation looks and sounds like THIS:



WHERE'S MY M**********NG BOURBON?!

Get me out of here

It's Monday at 10:45am, and it's my last day at work before my 13-day long holiday. I'm waiting for a call, and have a few moments here to reflect on just how badly I want to be home with my family. Or out shopping. Or walking in the woods.

Anywhere, in short, but here.

Santa loves the little children

Santa seems especially interested in the oldest girl on the right.

These photos came from the Scared of Santa Gallery. Go check it out -- more than 65 photos of little ones in varying states of Santa-induced distress.

I'm sorry, but Santa has to kill you now

He thought the fake beard and wig would be enough of a disguise. But no; he knows he's been recognized, and in the moment of that Instamatic flash going off, Santa knows that he must track you down and kill you now.

Friday Random Ten: December 8

Rainy Night In Soho – The Pogues

Rocky Road Blues – Bill Monroe

Sister, Do You Know My Name? – White Stripes

Baby How Long – Howlin Wolf

All Tomorrow’s Parties – Velvet Underground

I’ll Shoot the Moon – Tom Waits

Psyche – Nouvelle Vague

Fool I Am – Pat Ferguson

Jack the Ripper – Link Wray

All Guitars – The Flying Lizards

What's that smell?

Lesson learned here? If you really gotta bust ass in a bad way on a commercial flight, don't burn matches to mask the stink:

Flatulent Passenger Grounds Flight

It's not often news writers get to work this many puns into headlines.

You can read more about the fart scare here, here and here.

Stare into the cold dead eyes of Santa

The terrified child reaches out for help, but Mommy and Daddy can't help. Mommy and Daddy are gone. Forever. The older brother stares ahead, unblinking, a grim, stoic figure in the face of all this Christmasey horror. Note Santa's robot arm in the foreground, from which he's detached the wrathful hand of Santa.

Be afraid.

December 7th

Yesterday, December 7, 1941 - a date which will live in infamy - the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan.

The United States was at peace with that nation and, at the solicitation of Japan, was still in conversation with its Government and its Emperor looking toward the maintenance of peace in the Pacific. Indeed, one hour after Japanese air squadrons had commenced bombing in Oahu, the Japanese Ambassador to the United States and his colleague delivered to the Secretary of State a formal reply to a recent American message. While this reply stated that it seemed useless to continue the existing diplomatic negotiations, it contained no threat or hint of war or armed attack.

It will be recorded that the distance of Hawaii from Japan makes it obvious that the attack was deliberately planned many days or even weeks ago. During the intervening time the Japanese Government has deliberately sought to deceive the United States by false statements and expressions of hope for continued peace.

The attack yesterday on the Hawaiian Islands has caused severe damage to American naval and military forces. Very many American lives have been lost. In addition American ships have been reported torpedoed on the high seas between San Francisco and Honolulu.

Yesterday the Japanese Government also launched an attack against Malaya. Last night Japanese forces attacked Hong Kong. Last night Japanese forces attacked Guam. Last night Japanese forces attacked the Philippine Islands. Last night the Japanese attacked Wake Island. This morning the Japanese attacked Midway Island.

Japan has, therefore, undertaken a surprise offensive extending throughout the Pacific area. The facts of yesterday speak for themselves. The people of the United States have already formed their opinions and well understand the implications to the very life and safety of our nation.

As Commander-in-Chief of the Army and Navy, I have directed that all measures be taken for our defense.

Always will we remember the character of the onslaught against us. No matter how long it may take us to overcome this premeditated invasion, the American people in their righteous might will win through to absolute victory.

I believe I interpret the will of the Congress and of the people when I assert that we will not only defend ourselves to the uttermost but will make very certain that this form of treachery shall never endanger us again.

Hostilities exist. There is no blinking at the fact that our people, our territory and our interests are in grave danger.

With confidence in our armed forces - with the unbounded determination of our people - we will gain the inevitable triumph - so help us God.

I ask that the Congress declare that since the unprovoked and dastardly attack by Japan on Sunday, December seventh, a state of war has existed between the United States and the Japanese Empire."

-President Franklin D. Roosevelt, December 8, 1941

Ho...ho...ho...

I hear music

And I hear music-related memes:

How many songs: 1,262

First song: Top of the World -- The Carpenters

Last song: You're a Better Man Than I -- The Yardbirds

Shortest: Paul Burlison Makes a Toast -- The Dempseys (.07)

Longest: Homecoming -- Green Day (9:18)

Five most played songs:

Sam Hall -- Johnny Cash
Goo Goo Muck -- the Cramps
Jack the Ripper -- Link Wray
Veruca Salt -- Danny Elfman (Willy Wonka Soundtrack)
God's Away on Business -- Tom Waits

First song that comes up on "shuffle": Buffalo Skinners -- Woody Guthrie

Number of items that come up when searching for:

"sex": 2

"death": 4

"love": 78

"you": 127

"me": 386

"cry": 8