So many things

So many things to write about, and so little time, and so few remaining undamaged brain cells, to use to write about them...

For starters there was the whole MizBubs family early Thanksgiving the weekend of the 16/17/18: 20+ people for dinner, at the end of my 80+ hour week, while our upstairs bathroom was totally gutted. Good times. We kept the turkey fryer in storage and instead got a turducken through the mail from Prairieville, LA, which worked out great. Then, after gorging ourselves on turducken and beer, we got up and ran the Lincolnwood Turkey Trot (only the 5k) which has become kind of a tradition with us. Your humble author managed to log his best ever 5k time, but remains humble in the knowledge that, compared to fast people, I still run like I'm carrying a refrigerator on my back...

I was reminded of running because I just got a new set of running tights in the mail, piggybacked onto an order that MizBubs made from Sierra Trading Post. And get this--MizBubs has taken up running too!!!!!! I am a happy hillbilly. We have now become those freaks who you see running around in tights and fleece in freezing weather. Who would've thought?

Getting back to the bathroom...after having to call the installation department at Home Depot TWICE when the toilet backed up after the remodel was done, and finding that the contractors lost not one but TWO rags down the toilet stack, we are now enjoying the new bathroom. When I came in from running last night I finally took my first bath in the new, gloriously deep compared to what we used to have tub.

We have a ridiculously small bathroom, but at least now we have a nice ridiculously small bathroom:

It was very, very soothing. Our eldest now works at Lush, and brings us wonderful fragrant bath products. I myself was wonderful and fragrant by the time I came out of the tub.

While I'm showing y'all pictures of my house, I may as well show you the tiki bar. MizBubs found this on Ebay, and we had a nice road trip to Michigan a couple years ago to pick it up:



Here's a detail shot of the shelves behind the bar:

Ah well. I'm exhausted. Hopefully, in the next couple of days I'll have more.

On Saturday we leave for fabulous Las Vegas, and I plan on taking plenty of pictures and updating everyone from the Las Vegas Marathon.

Now I gots to sleep.

Plushie freak of the week

Southside bureau chief Dena stepped up again with this one, feeding me material while I was otherwise occupied:

Accused thief found with stuffed dog used for sex

Winnipeg police were called shortly before 6 p.m. on March 26 after a Chelsea Avenue resident spotted the man breaking into her garage. The man exited the garage a short time later and moved on to a neighbour's garage, where he stole a lawn mower, a mountain bike, a blanket and a stuffed toy dog.

The man eventually returned to the first garage, where police found him nearly two hours later passed out inside a boat.

"He was lying there with his genitalia exposed next to the stuffed dog," said Crown attorney John Peden. "While the police report doesn't describe it this way, the dog might be appropriately characterized as now being anatomically correct, as opposed to its condition before he removed it."

Oh, one more thing. Alcohol was involved.

OK, let's start getting in the Christmas spirit...

Rise and Shine!

Sorry for not stopping by and commenting on your blog; things continue at a furious pace around here, at home and especially at my job. At least we have a working shower again, and it's a darn fine one, too. The Las Vegas Marathon is next Sunday and I've barely prepared. My Elvis costume hangs in my closet, unpressed and unaltered. I promise that at some point before Christmas I'll return to our regular fare of freaks, perverts, clowns and animal attacks. Until then I'm just throwing up random videos and pictures in a desperate effort to hold on to some readership.

We've taken to listening to motivational speakers and inspirational music lately, just to keep us on track and moving forward.

I'd like to share some of that, so here it is, my gift to you this Monday morning.

Check out these enthusiastic swanky bastards. They're playing "Powerhouse" and swinging it pretty hard, I'd say.

Continuing our celebration of Thanksgiving...

...and wanting to continue the theme of pilgrims and Indians living in harmony, I bring you the rocking video "Apache". This was big in Denmark.

Happy Thanksgiving

Shock the clown

Alert South Side Bureau Chief Dena has informed me that former cop/counselor/daycare worker/minister/clown and noted downstate Illinois child molester A. Paul Carlock died in custody after being Taser'd by jail guards.

According to this story in the Springfield Journal-Register, Carlock had a pre-existing heart condition.

Carlock was better known as Klutzo the Clown.



He is now smoking a dog turd in hell.

Florida alligator takes a bite out of crime

UPDATE: Monday, November 19 at 6:45 AM

Poncho's dinner was officially identified as 36-year old Justo Padron. At the time of his unfortunate introduction to Poncho, Mr. Padron was wanted by police for violating his parole on a cocaine possession charge. Once again we see the cocaine/gator nexus at work. Say no to drugs and reduce your chances of suffering an alligator-involved demise.

______________________

Thank you, Florida.

Even at the end of an 80-hour week, with the turducken in the oven and 20 people coming for dinner in 5 hours, some stories are so important that you have to take a moment to inform the public.

Stories like this one:

Man killed by gator while fleeing police

This incident is an example of what some of us in law enforcement refer to as a twofer. Like a murder case where one criminal kills another--one bad guy removed from the street by killing, one by going to the penitentiary. In this case, one bad guy who clearly should not have been contributing to the gene pool based on his apparent inability to read numerous BEWARE OF ALLIGATOR signs before diving into a gator-infested retention pond, is dead. The man-eating gator was then also destroyed. Humankind gets a twofer.

The alligator, also known to local authorities for his aggressive behavior, was named "Poncho".

R.I.P. New Frontier Las Vegas

The second oldest hotel casino on the strip just bit the dust.

The New Frontier was imploded early Tuesday morning.

The New Frontier originally opened as the Last Frontier in 1942. It was owned at one time by Howard Hughes, and also, partially, by Steve Wynn.

It's demolition makes way for the development of even more high-end properties on the northern strip. Now only Circus Circus, Slots-A-Fun, the Riviera, The Stratosphere and The Sahara remain north of the Wynn.

You can check out Vegas Today and Tomorrow for some excellent information on all the changes.

Early morning checklist

Gun? Check.

Bourbon? Check.

Clown...clown?!

R.I.P. Stanley Stacharski

Stanley Stacharski died Friday at the age of 57, and he will be missed.

Mr. Stacharski was the owner of our beloved Hala Kahiki Lounge in River Grove, the most wonderful tiki bar in all of Chicagoland. He inherited the place from his parents, who founded the business about 40 years ago.

I'm in the mood for a night at the tiki bar. I especially like visiting there during the cold weather and sitting in the warm, dark tropical splendor while the snow falls outside.

Who's your repo daddy now?

That is one of the best lines I've heard in weeks.

I should be sleeping right now, getting enough rest and preparing for the work ahead. But no.

I'm sitting here watching late night tv. Watching ads for class outfits like Legal Helpers. In any event, I see clowns.

I just realized something

See those nacho chips? These are nacho chips from El Famous Burrito. I just noticed something about them.

If you get your nose really close to them, and take a good whiff, these nacho chips smell just like the food court at the Shelby County Flea Market in Simpsonville, Kentucky. Specifically, they smell just like the area around the booth bearing a sign saying, simply, "DEEP FRY".

I found that very comforting and nostalgic.

Germany or Florida: Post-Halloween Edition Answers

Time for some answers.

Congratulations to Katy and Doctor Monkey Von Monkerstein for their perfect scores!

I've noticed before that people tend to assign a story to Germany or Florida based on certain assumptions--for instance, stories involving cannibalism = Germany, stories involving tattoos = Florida. Very often this is true, at least anecdotally, and remember that in the bold and ever-expanding science known as narcozoology, anecdotal evidence is the most important kind.

Still, I have to confess. Usually stories contain some cultural clue that has to be withheld in order to make the game more competitive. I've listed the answers to each question in a link to the original news story. I've also listed any clue that, if given, would have clearly revealed the origin of the story.

1) A man was arrested after asking his new online buddy to help him kill someone for the purpose of having sex with the corpse (and no, it's not Wisconsin--there are no trick questions here)
Florida

2) A man passed out drunk on his way home from a Halloween party, in full zombie makeup. He was mistaken for a murder victim and police were called.
Germany
(*The man was passed out on a train. Germans ride trains. Floridians don't ride trains--they walk, or ride the bus, or steal a car.)

3) A child became entangled in his family's spider web decorations and was nearly strangled to death.
Florida


4) A man was caught trying to smuggle two large dildos, hidden in sausages, into Dubai.
Germany
(*Come on--the presence of sausage was a dead giveaway. Likewise, if it had been catfish, you woulda known it was Florida. Interestingly my eldest said that Dubai was the Germany indicator--she didn't picture anyone from Florida flying to Dubai.)

5) A man was arrested for placing his roommate in a headlock and biting off part of his ear.
Florida
(*911 was called by a neighbor who was out walking his pit bull. That is pure Florida there.)

6) Prison guards allowed two female inmates to wed each other in an elaborate ceremony featuring wedding rings fashioned from human hair and dental floss.
Florida
(*The guards were suspended for doing this. According to my eldest, the idea of a lesbian prison wedding sounded kind of like something that might be done in a progressive European nation. The fact that the participating guards were disciplined indicated that it happened here in the USA.)

Germany or Florida: Post Halloween Edition

It's hard to say goodbye to Halloween.

Once again I'm having that post-Halloween letdown. It's made a little easier by the knowledge that we're never more than a few days away from our next scary movie rental, and we can always stop and look at the Dia De Los Muertos stuff in our dining room.

Looking around this morning I saw that Kirby is experiencing those Halloween blues too, aggravated by a loss in her family and the wildfire evacuations and all...stop by and wish her well.

Mob has a horrid little video set to a horrorpunk song "1,000 Corpses", and Kim from A Sunny Thought has some nice stuff here if you don't feel like letting go yet.

There's a dozen things I should be doing, but I'm sitting on my ass swilling coffee, waiting for inspiration to strike.

_____________________

A quick round of Germany or Florida, now that's the ticket!

1) A man was arrested after asking his new online buddy to help him kill someone for the purpose of having sex with the corpse (and no, it's not Wisconsin--there are no trick questions here)

2) A man passed out drunk on his way home from a Halloween party, in full zombie makeup. He was mistaken for a murder victim and police were called.

3) A child became entangled in his family's spider web decorations and was nearly strangled to death.

4) A man was caught trying to smuggle two large dildos, hidden in sausages, into Dubai.

5) A man was arrested for placing his roommate in a headlock and biting off part of his ear.

6) Prison guards allowed two female inmates to wed each other in an elaborate ceremony featuring wedding rings fashioned from human hair and dental floss.

Leave your best guesses in the comments. Answers tomorrow.

Now, it's on to Thanksgiving...

Last minute costume idea

My friend Dena sent this, and I think it's a swell last minute costume idea.

Make your own Christopher Walken mask.

Parents: please supervise younger children. And watch those scissors.

Happy Halloween, Baby...

I just got home from work, and as anyone who's ever watched The Hitcher or The Terminator knows, a police station late at night is a scary place to be. I was glad to get out of there.

Weird Tales

H.P. Lovecraft, Robert E. Howard (Conan the Barbarian) and Robert Bloch (Psycho) all wrote for Weird Tales.

All I can say is, who cares. That cover makes me wish I was a disembodied skull, long as I could get that kind of action.

Hubba.

Meet Tiffany Sutton. Happy Halloween!

Just in time for Halloween, 24 year old Tiffany Sutton, of Tempe, Arizona, pled guilty to aggravated assault and was sentenced to 10 years in prison.

And what crime did this sultry, yet disheveled vixen commit?

According to police reports, the victim, 46-year-old Robert McDaniel, agreed to be tied up during sex but became alarmed and asked to be untied when Sutton pulled out a knife and said she liked to drink blood. Sutton then attacked him, slicing his leg, puncturing his arm, shoulder and back and cutting his neck and stomach. When he escaped, she chased him with a pickax.

I found an interesting tidbit in this story from the Arizona Republic (with the wonderful headline "Blood Drinker Gets 10 Years). Sutton claimed that the encounter was consensual:

Sutton told police she made McDaniel sign a book promising not to prosecute her for when the "sex got crazy." "You, Robert McDaniel, swear that no wrong will come to me, Tiffany Lachelle Sutton, due to tonight's events," read the document, provided by the court. "You also pass me all your earthly powers, wealth included."

Drugs and alcohol were involved. The two had smoked methamphetamine, drank a six pack and half a bottle of whiskey.

No word at this time as to the presence of exotic pets in the crime scene.

*Updated on Monday, October 29, 11:10 am

Astute reader Mob points out that Tiffany bears a striking resemblance to the character Marla Singer in the movie Fight Club. I say she looks like the kind of girl who would help you make soap from her mom's liposuction fat, or at least help you steal it from the hospital dumpster:

Behold, the Admiral Peary

Admiral Peary

(for two)

• One 5.5 oz can of Kern's pear nectar


• Juice of one lime


• 4 shots of coconut rum

Mix the ingredients in a cocktail shaker with ice. Pour over ice in a wine glass. Drink. Repeat.
_____________________

Congratulations to Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein!

Admiral Peary won with a whopping 26 votes. I suspect some monkey business may have been involved, but it's still a good name.

Thanks everybody!

Name that drink: Final Four

UPDATE:

THE POLL CLOSES IN 15 MINUTES. YOU ONLY HAVE A FEW MORE MINUTES TO MANIPULATE THE VOTE IN FAVOR OF YOUR FAVORITE DRINK NAME.

Thank you, thank you for all the swell suggestions and comments.

I was not able to act on this yesterday; I was selling my labor to corporate America and spent 12 hours looking snappy in a black suit, providing security for a convention downtown. Now I'm back, rested up, and MizBubs and I just reviewed our choices.

We decided that this calls for a poll. Here's the description of the drink one more time:

One 5.5 oz can of Kern's pear nectar
Juice of one lime
4 shots of coconut rum

The drink was remarkably sophisticated. Of course it reminded me of summer and sunshine, but not in an overly tropical drink kind of way. The pear nectar provided a rich mouth feel, and was a perfect vehicle for the lime. It was delicious, and MizBubs presented it simply, on the rocks, in a wine glass.



Vote early and often!

Strange Stories

See gatorhead woman in bondage! Freak fiddlers! Snake hair woman! Crawling corpse! Cleavage! Cleavage!

Good times my friends. Good times.

Famous Monsters

Now that is one swanky monster. I know I want to go to whatever soirée they're headed to.

Famous Monsters of Filmland was published by James Warren and edited by Forrest J Ackerman.

We can also thank Forrest J Ackerman with creating the very first Vampirella comic. Hubba.



Now for the scaaary part.

Among the many things Forry has done over the years, he was the literary agent for L. Ron Hubbard, back when L. Ron was hustling pulp stories--long before he decided to make real money by inventing a religious cult. He also represented Ed Wood Jr., who wrote outrageous pulp fiction when he wasn't directing classic movies like Glen or Glenda. Forry is also widely credited for having popularized the term "sci-fi".

Anyway, 4SJ is still around. He turns 91 next month. You can visit his website here.


I don't know when my dad started buying me Famous Monsters, but I remember seeing my first ones when I was 4 or 5 years old. The first ones I remember are these two:


What's funny is, my dad disapproved of comic books and Mad Magazine, but had no problem buying these. I carried them around, memorizing monster movie trivia and establishing a life-long love of bad puns. I even got in trouble for bringing them to school and scaring other children with the combination of movie pictures and stories I made up.

Sadly, my once vast collection of Famous Monsters of Filmland is now almost entirely gone. Like the GI Joe stuff I wish I'd taken better care of. We still have two editions, one of which was MizBubs' when she was a kid:

The 1966 Yearbook (Think Simpsons comic book guy: BEST. ISSUE. EVER.)


The 100th Issue, published in 1973.


You can see all the cool covers of every Famous Monsters on this here website.

Friday Random Ten

You Belong To My Heart—Million Dollar Quartet

Right & Ready—Clyde Owens

9^th & Hennepin—Tom Waits

Ziggy Stardust—Bauhaus

I Close My Eyes and Count To Ten—Dusty Springfield

Sisko's Blues—Slavic Soul Party

Take It Or Leave It—The Strokes

Rock N Roll Disgrace—Sweet

Very, Very Hungry—Brian Eno & David Byrne

Big Boys (demo version) Elvis Costello

Name That Drink!

Tonight MizBubs worked her magic and surprised me with a tasty cocktail. Once I saw her mixing, and caught a whiff of fresh lime juice, I was mighty glad I bothered to put together a decent dinner while she was at work:

A mixed green salad with roasted pecans and sun dried tomato vinaigrette dressing,
Grilled chicken breasts,

Pasta tossed with sauteed zucchini and red peppers in a light cream sauce

But anyway, I was here to talk about the drink. Yeah, it's always about the drink here, isn't it? Unless it's about the pork product.

So here's the drink:

One 5.5 oz can of Kern's pear nectar
Juice of one lime
4 shots of coconut rum

The drink was remarkably sophisticated. Of course it reminded me of summer and sunshine, but not in an overly tropical drink kind of way. The pear nectar provided a rich mouth feel, and was a perfect vehicle for the lime. It was delicious, and MizBubs presented it simply, on the rocks, in a wine glass.



The problem is, we don't have a name for it.

Readers, you have never let me down when I've asked for assistance. Remember, you gave us the Lazy Bastard.

The Future, The Way It Used To Be: Pre-Halloween Edition

It's no secret I dig the chicks from the future. For those of you uninterested in glamorous space-age cheesecake, check out the ripped abs and futuristic lightning bolt sash on spaceman, there.

I aim to please.

Just how angry IS that leopard?

Lately I've been getting hits from all over the world from people looking for pictures of an angry leopard attacking a man in India. Back in January I posted a link to a story about a leopard that attacked a man in a housing complex in India, and was subsequently beaten to death by a stick-wielding mob. No one paid much attention at the time. But now? The attention whore in me is doing a drunken jig from all the extra visits.


Now I know how Anandamide felt when he received the random attentions of thousands of ZZ Top fans. And this got me thinking again--how do people find this little spot on the interwebs? And how do I keep up the wonderfully ego-stroking 100 + hits per day?

Someone in Janesville, Wisconsin wanted to compare/contrast Eve White Eve Black 3 faces of Eve.

Naughty Googlers in Hertford, UK, and in Lithuania, wanted naked Bubs.

A Chippewa Falls cheesehead wonders what life in other mid-sized Wisconsin towns is like, and is looking for Eau Claire nude.

Another naughty Googler, this time a cheesehead from Marion, Wisconsin, wanted to find some Wisconsin porn. (Does Wisconsin porn involve more cheese curds and brandy than mainstream porn?)

Testicles. Penis. Stripper. That's what some freak in Bothell, Washington wants.

A thrifty Chicagoan wanted to find LaSalle Bank incentives.

A narcozoology buff in San Antonio, Texas wanted to learn more about bad cop and alligator freak Warren Nyerges.

Some Yankee up in Portland Maine inquired about Lettuce Dogs.

Tina Louise Iggy Pop--evidently someone in Oak Park, Illinois wanted to see both of them together. I can only imagine.

A marathon buff in Toronto wanted to read about the Chicago Marathon aftermath.

Aftermath? Let's try Chicago Marathon Embarrassment instead.


I think I'll ask Grant Miller for pointers on how to jazz up my blog to attract more interesting search hits.

Rock N Roll Jesus gets pinched at the Waffle House

Kid Rock...entourage...Waffle House in Georgia...5:00 AM.

You knew someone was going to get arrested:

Kid Rock Arrested After Fight

Wings - Jet Live 1976

Here's a sample of live Wings, from their "Wings over America" tour. I was 12 in 1976.

There Simply Aren't 7 Things About Me

Not seven interesting things, anyway. But, goode husband Bubs has commanded, and I must obey. Sickening, isn't it?

1. I don't like talking on the telephone. This is ironic, since answering the phone is a big part of my job, and I'm very good at it. I think My ambivalence to telephones comes from not being raised with one. We had our telephone removed when I was 5 or 6 years old because my Mother had a self-control issue, aggravated by being an extreme alcoholic. The final straw was when she called a merchant marine ex-husband shore-to-ship in the Suez Canal. Not cheap in 1969!

2. I'm a tough guy. That's code for really stupid. Several years ago I was drilling a hole in the end of a branch to make a bird perch. While overly cautious people might use a vise to hold the branch, I held it in my hand. When the drill inevitably kicked and tore up the edge of my hand, I didn't panic. I had one of the girls help me rinse off the sawdust, wrap some paper towels around it, and fasten it with strapping tape. When Bubs got home a little while later, I really didn't think I needed to go to the emergency room. The doctor thought I needed five stitches.

3. I am good at sh*ting in the woods.

4. When we left the National Guard, I outranked Bubs.

5. I secretly like old fashioned florals, lace, fancy china, and all that girl stuff. I couldn't live with it all the time, but I wish I had a girlie sun room to have tea in sometimes.

6. I still like early Wings. There, I said it.

7. This was not as bad as I thought it'd be, but you owe me big, Bubs!

Toilet Snake Random Ten

This toilet snake story is courtesy of the inquisitive and persistent MizBubs. Believe me, this narcozoologist is indeed lucky to have such a plucky girl Friday.

I'm not talking about the kind of "toilet snake" that you use to clear a clogged toilet. Nope.

I'm talking about the kind of toilet snake that jumps up out of the bowl, hissing, to bite you on the keyster in the wee hours of the morning. Like the 7 foot python pictured at right.

That's a picture of the python that Brooklyn resident Nadege Brunacci found when she went to use her toilet in the early morning hours.

It took plumbers and the NYFD to cut the snake out of the plumbing once they arrived. Additional investigation revealed that the snake had reportedly been seen slithering around the basement of the apartment building a few days before this event.

So, how does this happen? One theory is that the snake was attracted by the glittering gold coins embedded in Ms. Brunacci's toilet seat:

Another theory is that New Yorkers, terrorized for decades by rumors of huge albino alligators lurking in their sewers, have decided to fight back by deploying pythons into the sewer system. Much in the same way that pythons are now on the rampage against alligators in the Everglades.

As strong as the urge is to fight fire with fire, we must not fight reptile with reptile! In the words of Friedrich Nietzche:

Whoever fights reptiles should see to it that in the process he does not become a reptile. And if you gaze long enough into the dark lizard brain, the dark lizard brain will gaze back into you.

Good words to live by if you ask me.

_____________________

And now on to today's random ten:

Outlaw Blues—Bob Dylan

She Came In Through The Bathroom Window—The Beatles

(actually, the sex of the python is unknown, and it came in through the bathroom plumbing)

Sassafras Roots—Green Day

Who Threw The Whiskey In the Well—Wynonie Harris

Will You Be Loving Another Man—Bill Monroe

Rocking Little Eskimo—Bobby Swanson & His Sonics

Rip It Up—Elvis Presley

Machine Gun—The Riptides

Mambo Jambo—Perez Prado

Good Thing—Fine Young Cannibals

R.I.P. Joey Bishop

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Joey Bishop, the deadpan comedian, TV host and last of the super-hip team of performers known as the Rat Pack, led by Frank Sinatra, has died at age 89, his publicist said on Thursday.

Bishop, born Joseph Abraham Gottlieb on February 3, 1918, in the Bronx, died on Wednesday night at his home in Newport Beach, south of Los Angeles, following an illness of several months.

I was surprised, upon reading his biography at imdb.com, that he did not provide the voice of the Aardvark on the old Pink Panther show cartoons. That was done by John Byner. When I mentioned this discovery to MizBubs, she mocked my ignorance by asking if I knew that Orson Welles did not provide the voice of The Brain.

Weird and Occult Miscellany

This might be a good name for future features here at the Compound.

Weird and Occult Miscellany was published by a Brit named Gerald G. Swan. Swan was an enterprising fellow who stockpiled paper before WWII, and was one of the few publishers in Great Britain who was able to keep turning out material when paper was rationed during the war.

Time for the midweek freak

Yes, it's Wednesday, and that means one thing here at the compound: weenie wavers. Let's take a look at this week's collection of naked and near-naked freaks.

There was something of a recent epidemic of driving without pants.

William W. Donnell, a truck driver from Tennessee, was stopped by the Indiana State Police. The trooper got a surprise when Mr. Donnell was discovered to be sans pantalon. Mr. Donnell explained that he was more comfortable driving without pants on.

Kim Leblanc of Cincinnati has a more interesting explanation of why he was found inside someone else's automobile, naked from the waist down. He said a leprechaun had let him into the car! The news report says that Mr. Leblanc is still in custody "on a variety of charges." Oh, one more thing, and this may surprise you--drugs were involved.

_____________________

Moving on to other assorted freakery...

An unknown strip club patron in Fort Walton Beach, Florida, was arrested for solicitation of prostitution. Police arrived at the club after the man groped a stripper, opened his pants and exposed his penis. The man explained to officers that the stripper had promised to perform an act of oral copulation on him for $500. He helpfully explained this several times, even after being advised of his rights. The stripper claimed the $500 was for a bottle of champagne, so in that way I suppose alcohol was involved.



What is it about conservative Republicans and public toilet sex? Louisiana State Senate Candidate, former Louisiana GOP Executive Committee member and St Bernard Parish councilman Joey DiFatta suddenly dropped out of the race citing "chest pains."

Chest pains? Yeah, brought on by the stress of having the New Orleans Times Picayune reveal that he'd been stopped at least twice before doing variations of the old toe-tapping routine in public toilets.

_____________________

And now we arrive at our last story. First, let me say that Florida has come through for me once again. Thank you, Sunshine State!

50-year old Thomas Blacine was arrested after a police dog tracked his scent. Blacine is believed to be "The Naked Tickler", suspected of breaking into at least a dozen homes since 2004, naked, and tickling women while they sleep. He has also videotaped women, and videotaped himself engaging in such antics as urinating into a milk jug.

Blacine reportedly admitted to videotaping women, but denied tickling them.

Ok, one more time with the Mr. Testicles...

OK, I promise, this is my last Chicago Marathon-related post.

It's just that I just found out something about a minor celebrity who ran, and who has now appeared in countless blog posts and YouTube videos. Of course, I'm talking about Mr. Testicles.

Yes, that's right. I found his official web page, and I found his Chicago Marathon blog.

Mr. Testicles isn't just about testicular cancer--it's a male cancer site, dealing with prostate and bowel cancers as well.

I found this after looking through various marathon message boards and seeing yet another mention of Mr. Testicles, this time on a Danish runner's web page. The picture you see in the upper right corner is from that Danish runner. He's got a lot of other cool shots of the marathon in there as well.

Bible thumper update

Blue Earth County jail guard James Lee Sheppard, featured here after he allegedly hit an inmate with a Bible and choked him a little, has now pled guilty.

According to this story in the Mankato Free Press

"A Blue Earth County jailer who whacked an inmate with a Bible in February has pleaded guilty to fifth-degree assault, a misdemeanor.

Two gross misdemeanor charges of mistreatment of a confined person and misconduct by a public officer were dismissed in the plea agreement for 56-year-old James Lee Sheppard."

Evidently the tightly-wound Sheppard was placed on paid leave for a while after the whacking incident, and then assigned to serve court papers. While serving papers in June a homeowner challenged Sheppard and asked for identification, and Sheppard (lacking a nearby Bible) allegedly punched the man. That case is still pending an outcome.

I realize, though, that my "Bible thumper" label is not really accurate, and may be unfair to non-violent Bible thumpers. In the initial account I had pictured the jailer, full of righteous, Holy Testament-inspired wrath, using his own Bible to thump the inmate. You know, as if he carried it around with him for just such occasions.

I've since discovered that Sheppard used the inmate's Bible for the thumping. Somehow the story is not nearly as entertaining for me now. Oh well.

Seven Facts

Facts are simple and facts are straight
Facts are lazy and facts are late
Facts all come with points of view
Facts don't do what I want them to

-Talking Heads, "Crosseyed and Painless"

I recently got tagged by Samurai Frog, and ordered to reveal seven facts about myself. A similar meme-like object circulated through blogworld back in July; since those big 8-fact Facty McMansions didn't move, they've now been reduced to more manageable 7-fact duplexes.

At times I find facts to be very much overrated, but for now I'll let that go and just, uh, stick to the facts:

1) I frequently plan trips that I will probably never take, sometimes in great detail. At least now that we have an interwebs connection, MizBubs no longer has to hear the words she used to dread: "I've sent for some brochures." I used to have a file cabinet full of travel-related maps, catalogs and brochures.

2) I recently dropped my plan to attend graduate school and get an MBA. I'll take sanity instead. I initially postponed my entry (I was scheduled to start classes the week after my friend died) but now, thinking through things more clearly, I've decided that I really don't want to go back to school. Really, most of the time, other than being around MizBubs, the girls and my friends, I'd rather not do much of anything at all.

3) I love camping, canoeing and hiking, but I only went camping once in all of 2007. I need to get out more, because those are all things that make me truly happy, and they've been missing from my life for the past year or so.

4) I own six guns and will probably buy some more in the next few years.

5) I've taken swing dancing lessons twice with MizBubs, and want to take some more. I've gotten rusty, and I was never slick in the first place.

6) One thing that's kept me out of trouble all these years is my firm belief that if I ever do anything wrong, I will be caught. When I was in 8th grade we lived close to the Delaware river, and my parents forbade me from fishing along its banks. I had to fish in the canal or at a local pond. A friend of mine, an avid fisherman, fished in the river and was always trying to get me to go with him. One day, my mom, dad and brothers took off to go somewhere for the day. Once they left, I called my friend and we headed down to the river, where we spent most of the day fishing. After several hours, we climbed up the riverbank, back to the edge of River Road. Just as we emerged from the trees and prepared to cross, my family drove by. I had one of those frozen-in-time moments, where the car seemed to slow down as all its occupants turned in unison to stare at me. The day did not end well for me, and I've stayed out of trouble since.

7) I'd like to take cooking classes for fun. I don't think MizBubs knows this about me.


Now for the passive-aggressive tagging part, where I inflict this on others whether they like it or not.

You're it:

MizBubs
Splotchy
Dale
Kirby, of I Make No Promises
Mr. Write Procrastinator
Beckeye
Evil Dictator

And anyone else who'd like to share. Knowledge is power!

Green Monkey Geography Pop Quiz Mix

I was lucky enough to be walking by the cool kid's table in the cafeteria while Splotchy was planning the latest Green Monkey Music Project--the Geography Pop Quiz Mix! I got in on the action, and with a little luck some day I'll be a GREEN MONKEY MASTER (say that in your best badly-dubbed 1970's kung fu movie voice!)

So here's my choices. I put a lot of thought into these, racking my brains for 5 or even 10 minutes before sending a list of titles over to Splotchy at 1:13 am:

Singapore Tom Waits

This was the very first song I thought of, off of my favorite Tom Waits record Rain Dogs. What a unique sound, and the very first line (we sail tonight for Singapore, we're all as mad as hatters here...) sets the tone.

Mozambique Bob Dylan

When this song came out I immediately wanted to go hang out in Mozambique. Something about the fiddle, the talk of pretty girls, I don't know. At the age of 14 this song sounded so exotic and worldly; in hindsight read about what Mozambique was going through when Dylan wrote this song and you have to ask yourself, Bob, what the f*ck were you thinking?

Streets of Laredo Marty Robbins

A maudlin classic, based on a traditional tune by those masters of maudlin the Irish. Marty Robbins' version is actually slower than the folk versions I've heard (check out the one by Johnny Cash) but it's still great. Get this--this is one of the songs I routinely sang as a bedtime lullaby to my children. By the age of 5 my kids had heard more songs about dying cowboys, train wrecks, prison, murder, morphine addiction and homelessness than any other kids around.

Viva Las Vegas Elvis Presley

This was the second song I thought of. I gave Splotchy the option of using the Elvis version or the Dead Kennedys', but I'm glad he picked the original. I don't think I ever get tired of hearing this. I'll probably be playing it 2 or 3 times a day until December 1st when I head out for the Las Vegas Marathon. It's just got a great frantic sound repeating over and over behind Elvis' slower, cooler vocals. Dig it.

Blue Moon of Kentucky Bill Monroe

This is one of those songs that we have at least a half dozen versions of, including multiple takes by Monroe himself. Originally recorded as a high lonesome sounding hillbilly waltz, in later versions Monroe picks it up. In later versions, like the one Splotchy picked for the mix, Monroe starts it out slow and then speeds it up mid-song. One of Elvis Presley's first recordings for Sun Records was a great rockabilly version of this song.

Wild Cats of Kilkenny The Pogues

A great instrumental by a great band. Kilkenny is a beautiful little city and a fun place to visit--I regret not spending more than a day there when we visited in 2003.

That's Right (You're Not From Texas) Lyle Lovett

I've always had kind of a weird love for Texas, ever since training at Fort Sam Houston in San Antonio back in the early 80's. San Antonio--really, all of the hill country between San Antonio and Austin--is one of my favorite places. Ignoring the current occupant of the White House, I've always found Texans to be kind of quirky in a larger-than-life way, and to my mind there's no better liberal than a Texas liberal. One of MizBubs' brothers has lived there for a few years now, and we love to visit and hang out there. It's on my short list of places to retire to in a few years.

15 cent horror stories

Good morning!

Halloween is only 16 days away. Plenty of time to catch up on your Halloween reading.

Halloween is coming

Time to shed your old skin, and get your scary skin on.

There was only one thing I could do...

...and that was ding a ding dang my dang a long ling long.

A letter from Carey Pinkowski

I just got a letter from Chicago Marathon Executive Race Director Carey Pinkowski. It's dated October 12.

After 5 days, the Chicago Marathon has now officially spoken to the runners.

Remember a couple of days ago, I mentioned that a quick response to a bad situation from a public official should express "concern over the incident, a committment to finding out exactly what happened, and a determination to correct any problem that's uncovered"? Well, folks, you read Mr. Pinkowski's statement and tell me if you think it does any of these things:

Dear Runners,

For 17 years I have been honored to serve as Executive Race Director of The LaSalle Bank Chicago Marathon, a race steeped in a 30-year tradition of providing the ultimate marathon experience for runners.

The record high temperatures and humidity at Sunday’s race made for a challenging day for marathoners. The conditions on Sunday presented me with the single most difficult decision I have ever made as race director. While that was a frustration to many, I stand behind the decision to end the race early– it was a necessary safety measure. However, I also recognize that because of the conditions and my decision, many of our runners did not have the experience they trained for and expected.

As an organization dedicated to providing the very best experience in the industry, the results have left us disappointed as well. Our team has spent the last several days reviewing the details and we are listening to runners, staff and volunteers. Rest assured that we take the day’s events - and your comments - seriously.

We are reviewing all details and feedback as we plan to continue the tradition of our race in 2008 and beyond. Offering the best experience possible to runners always has been our priority and it remains a commitment of the highest importance.

My personal gratitude goes to each of you, as well as to staff and volunteers, for participating in the race this year. I share in your disappointment, if you did not have the experience you expected.

I certainly hope to be able to greet you at our finish line in the years ahead, in the grand fashion that has characterized The LaSalle Bank Chicago Marathon for so many years.

Sincerely,

Carey Pinkowski

Executive Race Director

Once again, no mention of aid stations, difficulty finding hydration, or lack of cooling stations until late in the race. Nothing. At least he doesn't come right out and call me an overly-thirsty, whiny loser.

Maybe he saw my apology on Thursday.

Lettuce Dogs

Yes, that's what I said. Lettuce dogs.

There they go, toiling away for their midget masters.










I'm ready to end my all marathon, all the time, posting now. I'll start the break with this week's random ten:

Poor Boy—Elvis Presley

Fort Worth Jail—Skeets McDonald

Leave Me Alone—Lou Reed

Fancy—Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Terminator X To The Edge of Panic—Public Enemy

You're The One For Me, Fatty—Morrissey

Long Black Veil—Nick Cave

Hillbilly Hare—The Carl Stalling Project

Cryin' But My Tears Are Far Away—The Knitters

Take It Off—The Genteels

That is all.