I am not embarrassed to say "vagina"

Ask any of my close friends or family and they will tell you I am a model of rectitude and decorum, and would not normally even say the proper term for the female pudenda. But now that's changed.

I've found out about Alexyss K. Tylor.

First off, let me give a big, BIG thank you to Katie Schwartz. I've enjoyed reading her blog for a while now. I dig her musings on Kristians and former child stars.

Well, the other day she sent me a link. I watched the video, and I was hooked. Surely she was going to use this herself? NO! Not only is our Katie raunchy and hilarious, she's generous to a fault. She gave me this video and told me to do with it as I saw fit.

So here we are.

Seeing that video sent me off on a search to learn more about Alexyss K. Tylor. Alexyss K. Tylor has a public access cable show in Atlanta, called, wonderfully, Vagina Power. She is also a motivational speaker and author. She's been all over the interwebs for the past few weeks, and you can find several of her videos on YouTube.

This video is one of the greatest things I've ever seen. There are too many great quotes to even begin to list them all here. If you've ever wondered why some women consistently hook up with the wrong men, Alexyss explains it all. And she is a learned woman:

"I don't have any PHD's or masters degrees to put on my wall in academia, but I have a masters degree in being played by men."

Go ahead and watch the video. Just don't watch it at work, or at home in front of your kids, or in front of anyone who's offended by the following words: vagina, penis, orgasm, g-spot, clitoris, cum, rectum, sperm, "hittin' it", dildo, jackrabbit, or buttocks.



Now, as I post this, I'm distracted by the spectacle of a geezed Chris Hitchens on the Daily Show. I've got Alexyss in one ear going on about men "done ejaculated all in her brain" while Hitch blathers on about menstrual blood and birth canals. Alexyss K. Tylor is sober; Hitchens, apparently, not so much.

Here she is...

GUWEI'IYYA, Saudi Arabia (Reuters) - The legs are long, the eyes are big, the bodies curvaceous.

Contestants in this Saudi-style beauty pageant have all the features you might expect anywhere else in the world, but with one crucial difference -- the competitors are camels.

"The nose should be long and droop down, that's more beautiful," explains Sultan al-Qahtani, one of the organisers. "The ears should stand back, and the neck should be long. The hump should be high, but slightly to the back."

Hungry?

Then think about heading out to Stockton, California for the Stockton Asparagus Festival.

If you'd been better-organized, you could have registered for the World Deep-Fried Asparagus Eating Championship, but sadly registration for that event has closed. So now, in addition to being hungry, you'll be unable to compete for that $2,250 prize pool.

Still stinging from the sense of missed opportunity? Go to the official website of the International Federation of Competitive Eating. You'll find plenty of future opportunities to compete against other committed gurgitators and gustatory athletes such as yourself.

Bon apetit!

Friday Random Ten--Lazy Afternoon Edition

It's one of those in-between kind of days. I should have spent the day in a cleaning frenzy, but instead I slept late and took MizBubs to lunch, then went shopping and bought birthday and Mothers Day gifts and cards. I'll pick up my youngest from school in a few minutes, and then get ready for work. The honor guard is going to present colors at the start of a retirement party tonight, so I'll have to shave off the sideburns and soul patch and make myself presentable.

Know what's pissing me off? I can't hit the sauce until after the ceremony, so I'm totally being screwed out of the inaugural Margarita Friday.

Today is my mom's birthday, so I'll meet the rest of the family over there after I'm done at work. That will be good.

Here's the random ten:

Rabbit Fighter—T. Rex

Progress—Bad Religion

We Kiss in a Shadow—Martin Denny

aka I-D-I-O-T—The Hives

Hellbound Train—Three Bad Jacks

Mr. Block—Utah Phillips

Cool it Down—The Velvet Underground

Centre For Holy Wars—The New Pornographers

What We All Want—Gang of Four

In the Backseat—Arcade Fire

I'm ready for my interview

Lulu ran a cool little "interview thingy" on Monday. Being the blabberous egomaniac that I am, I promptly begged for a chance to be interviewed. A day or so went by, and then, there it was in my email--my interview!

Lulu's questions are in bold type. At the bottom of the post are the rules, and if any of you thoughtful and discerning readers would like to be interviewed by me, ask away.

1. You have a career in law enforcement, and an impressive sideline as America's preeminent narcozoologist, were those your dream careers as a kid, or did you have another career in mind?

My parents tell me that when I was little (3-5 years old) I liked to wear costumes and played elaborate games where I was an explorer, soldier or cowboy. When I got older, like later in grade school, I decided I wanted to be an actor. I'd say I wanted to be an actor all through high school. I had a blast in drama club (GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS), and then my dreams came to a screeching halt when I experienced the mortification of actually auditioning at the Bucks County Playhouse. That was the moment I discovered that being a bullshit artist probably required less discipline than being an actor on stage or screen, and might be just as much fun.

After high school I had notions of being a film maker or photographer, took some classes (dropping out of excellent programs at Columbia College and UIC) and wound up joining the Army National Guard with MizBubs, both of us enlisting as 91-B, Combat Medical Specialists. A wicked throat infection during basic training at Fort Jackson wrecked my singing voice, but I really enjoyed the training and was probably in the best shape of my life. MizBubs and I were lucky enough to serve before the first Gulf War.

I got a job as a photographers assistant at a studio that did work for Sears and JC Penney, and worked my way up to off-figure photographer. The studio went belly-up, and I ended up working as a campus security officer at Loyola University. My brother was in the criminal justice program there and recommended I take the introductory class. It was free, since I worked there, and I really enjoyed it. I started thinking I'd be good at being a cop. Loyola sent me to the Chicago Police Academy after I'd worked there for nearly a year, and I realized I'd like to do municipal law enforcement better than campus policing. I was lucky enough to get hired by the very first department I tested with.

Almost 19 years later, here I am. I sometimes regret not being a smoke-jumper or celebrity chef, but I'm pretty happy with where I've ended up.

2. Are most officers of the law bourbon-swilling, Tom Jones-loving, punk rock dudes like yourself, or are you an anomaly within the law enforcement community?


No, and not really. To some extent I'm an anomaly in every community I'm part of: I'm either the most liberal, non-confrontational and tolerant person in a group of conservatives, or the most right-wing, gun-happy and bigoted person in a group of liberals.

Cops are a far more diverse group than we were 20 years ago, by the way, but I think we tend to run more to former metal heads than former punks. There are 6 detectives and 2 detective sergeants, ranging in age from 30-44. Only one of them other than me is a Tom Jones fan. Most of the younger guys are vodka or rum drinkers; I stand alone as a committed bourbon enthusiast.

Of the 8 of us, 2 have college degrees, 2 are close to getting them, and 2 more have about 30-60 hours of credit. There's one former Army National Guard member, one former Marine, and one Army Iraq war veteran. 6 of us are married, 5 with kids, and two are single.

3. You seem to have a great relationship with your daughters, what are your parenting secrets?

Fear.

Not really, I just liked saying that. First off, we made up our minds when our kids were born to not listen to all the negative stuff people would say about having kids:

"I was in back labor 35 hours and then the doctor botched the episiotomy and I had an emergency c-section and puked from the anaesthesia."

"You won't get any sleep for 2 years."

"Just wait until they hit the terrible twos, all they say is 'NO'"

"Just wait until they go to school and start acting like all their friends, they won't be your child any more."

"Just wait until they hit middle school."

"Just wait until they hit their teens."

And so on. We ignored all those warnings and resolved early on to see the entertainment value in all the goofy and frequently infuriating things a kid was bound to do, and that made things easier.

4. You live in the suburb I grew up in, I hated it and left as soon as I could, yet you made the decision to live there of your own free will. Why would anyone make the choice to live in Mt. Plastic?


I made my one off-duty arrest in the spring of 1990, driving east on Montrose from Pulaski on a sunny Saturday afternoon. I thought I was driving up on a block party, judging from the crowd. Turns out the crowd had gathered to watch a shirtless drunken hillbilly cave in the skull of another drunken hillbilly with a Louisville Slugger baseball bat. Around the same time there was a drive-by shooting on the steps of a church near our house that killed two kids; MizBubs used to walk by there all the time on her way to one of the markets. So we decided to move. I didn't want to live in the town I worked in, and we couldn't afford to to move to one of the neighborhoods like Edison Park that were still in Chicago. We kind of went north and west until we found a combination of a house we could afford and a school district we liked. Ironically, we ended up homeschooling our kids for several years anyway, and had we stayed in our house in Chicago I'd be sitting on a half-million dollar bag of money right now. Who knew?

Our kids are grateful that they got to spend their entire childhood in the same house in the same town, but they both hate Mt Prospect and can't wait to move away. If I were a kid I'd feel the same way. Heck, I can't wait to move away from here either, but the reality is that this has been a good place to us these past 17 years.

5. If you had to pick, would you live in Florida or Germany?


Whew, tough one. Back in the 80's I always wanted to live in Berlin. I would have loved to live in Florida back in the 20's or 30's, and if I had unlimited funds I could easily see living in the Keys for much of the year. But I'll have to go with Germany. Old castles, Oktoberfest and good beer beat the hell out of ugly sun-baked sprawl and spring break any day.


Want some questions of your own? Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me!”


I will respond by e-mailing you five questions (if your email is not on your profile, email me your desire to be interviewed so I know your address). I get to pick them, and you have to answer them all.


You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.


You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.


When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Freak of the week

It's contest time! Remember, this is a Cook County-based blog, so vote early and often!

1) Former court officer Robert Theriault was convicted of prostitution. His crime? Theriault met a homeless couple and "...told them he worked for an insurance company and wanted them to test sheets and condoms by having sex while he watched. The sheets were supposedly designed to increase sperm count. The condoms would be tested for reliability, the couple recalled Theriault saying."

2) Doctor Raymond Adamcik dressed up as Captain America, stuffed a burrito down his shorts, groped a woman and got caught with some weed.

3) An unknown man walked into a British restaurant and cut off his own penis.

Alligator update

Remember, the best defense against the alligator is CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

It looks like that constant vigilance is paying off--there are no new attacks to report this week, but clearly the struggle continues:

Plucky Floridian Benjamin Hodges got pinched for skinning a dead gator on his front lawn. Mr. Hodges claimed he found the gator, dead, thought it would make a swanky belt, and brought it home in a shopping cart. Do you think he lives in a gated community?

Like fire ants, killer bees and armadillos, alligators are headed north. Police in Long Island, NY, found a young gator sunning himself by a pond. Gators are willing to sacrifice their young as scouts, probing our defenses. Good job, New York law enforcement!

Alert cops in Shawnee County, Kansas, arrested Michael "Tiny" Hutson for releasing a young alligator into Lake Shawnee. Law enforcement needs to make an example of traitorous dupes like Mr. Hutson; lured by the promise of exotic pet ownership only to betray his own kind.

Here's a big problem: apologists in the pro-gator media. The bias is very subtle; for example, here's a story in the Daytona Beach News-Journal that purports to warn people about gator safety during mating season. Sounds reasonable, right? But just read down a little and you'll find an outrageous pro-gator statement like this:

"Sensational news reports don't tell the whole story," said Nick Clark, senior reptile keeper at the Central Florida Zoological Park in Sanford. "You're far more likely to be in a fatal auto accident on I-4 than attacked by an alligator."

See what I mean? Any experienced narcozoologist will tell you, "sensational news reports" may not tell "the whole story", but they certainly tell all the story you need to know.

Finally, a colleague of mine in south Florida sent me a link to a comment posted on the Hungry Hyaena blog. I'm impressed that someone out there feels more strongly about alligators than I do:

Anonymous said...

There can be no happy medium in the war against alligators. If they want war, they shall have it. Alligators were on the verge of extinction when we took measures to protect them allowing their numbers to swell and now they prey on our pets and occasionally kill humans. Our kindness was perceived as weakness by these reptiles.

I have no issue with alligators in the Everglades where they belong. We need them there to fight the boas, but when they encroach on residential areas they must be destroyed. And please spare me this foolishness about us encroaching on their habitat. Any place we have ever lived throughout the history of mankind has encroached on some animal. Animals can either learn to live with it or die at our hands.

Alligators have been the bullies of nature preying on the weak and sick for tens of thousands of years. Well this time they've met their match. Bring it on!

That is one committed American!

True Story

Every year the department sends us all for a physical. It's a nice benefit, really--every year I get a free physical and I get to see how much I've deteriorated in the previous year. Then, when I return to work, I can compare my deterioration, depression, weight gain and lack of conditioning to that of my coworkers who've just returned from their physicals. In management we call this "benchmarking."

Anyway, yesterday I went to get my blood drawn and get my TB test. The actual physical is in a couple of days. I was met by a nice young lab assistant who ushered me into an exam room. We made some pleasant small talk while she got her stuff ready; I found out she's going to the same community college as my daughter, for instance, and that her boyfriend is working toward a graduate degree in human resource management. She had me lie down--a first--because they now have a policy that patients lie down for blood draws so they don't fall out.

While I'm lying there our conversation continues and we get on to the topic of shift work and sleep habits. And she tells me how she didn't get enough sleep last night because of a bad dream she had. And then she tells me about the dream:

In the dream her father, from whom she's estranged, even though she kind of has to stay in touch with him because she misses seeing her little brother, takes her car. That is, she gets home and finds that her new car is gone (she just purchased a new car in real life.) When she goes to look for her car she finds out her father is the one who stole her car, and he's laughing about it. AND HE'S WEARING CLOWN MAKEUP.

And then she said "this vein looks good" and put the needle in.

Midday pick-me-up

The DVD This is Tom Jones is about to be released in the US. I've got it saved on my Amazon wishlist; hopefully some astute family member will snap it up for me sometime between now and Fathers Day.

Sing it Janis!

I wish I was at the movies

Splotchy graciously refrained from tagging me with this one, so I tagged myself.

I love movies, and I don't know why I don't see that many in theaters any more...I really don't see as many on DVD, either.

First movie you saw in a theater?

You Only Live Twice at the drive-in with my parents. Then, maybe Planet of the Apes, also with my parents at the drive-in.

Last movie you saw in a theater?

Grindhouse. I loved the trailers, really liked Planet Terror, and was not that impressed with Death Proof. Seeing a bunch of chicks sitting around talking like Quentin Tarrantino was less than impressive, but the car chase almost made up for it.

Crappiest moviegoing theater experience?

I can't remember one, really. I vaguely remember seeing some slasher and kung fu movies at the old Essanes Woods in the Loop, sticky floors, rodents and all. But it only cost a buck or two to get in and I was usually drinking.

Best moviegoing theater experience?

A couple of things come to mind. First, one of my favorite things to do is go to the movies in the middle of the summer, when it's hot out and intensely sunny. The feeling of settling into a darkened theater when it's sunny and 90+ outside is great, and then I love that blinded, dazed feeling you get when you go back outside. Second, I will always remember when Pee Wee's Big Adventure came out--the opening of that film was so fun and manic, and I realized I was seeing something totally different from anything I'd seen before.

What's a movie you *have* to see on the big screen?

Gone with the Wind? I don't know. All movies are better that way.


Have you even seen the same movie more than once in the same day?

Oh yeah. Young Frankenstein when it came out, Star Wars too.

Have you ever snuck into a theater to see a movie?

Yes, after seeing another movie in the same theater that I'd paid for. Matter of fact, that's one of my favorite things to do, but I can't get my cursedly ethical kids to do it with me. One of life's great pleasures is having an entire afternoon free, and hopping from feature to feature at the multiplex. Sticking it to the man, while consuming his corporate-produced entertainment.

Ever walked out on a movie?

Nope. Any movie I've had doubts about I've waited to see on video/DVD. Even then, the number I've given up on is slim--usually forgettable direct-to-video horror crap. The only feature film I remember deliberately not finishing was David Lynch's Lost Highway.


Movie snack of choice?

Chocolate covered almonds alternated with handfuls of salted, buttered popcorn.

Wiccan war hero finally gets pentacle on his grave

Back in July I did a post about the Department of Veterans Affairs' refusal to allow pentacles to inscribed on military memorials or grave markers.

Well, here's an update:

The VA just settled a lawsuit and will now allow pentacles to be placed on the grave markers of Wiccan soldiers. There are eleven families currently waiting for grave markers with pentacles.

The pentacle now joins 38 other recognized symbols that may be placed on the graves of veterans.

Monday: Time to face that porn addiction

Monday, the start of a new week. Back to the grind of work and school, hopefully after a good weekend spent with family. If you're lucky the religious services you attended were particularly comforting or inspiring, and you want to carry that Sunday morning feeling into your regular life.

So, really, there's no better time to face that porn addiction. And according to this story, there's a religious institution in "rural central Kentucky" to help you with that. No TV. No computers. Just plenty of prayer and support to help "porn addicts spend six months on a desperate path to salvation."

While many of you know me as the nation's leading expert on narcozoology, I also have more than a passing interest in the religion/porn nexus. I guess I'm a little suspect of Kristians (using the term coined by Coaster Punchman) who, driven by their faith, appear more interested in regulating sexual behavior than in, say, feeding the hungry, or clothing the poor, or just plain old preaching the Gospel--the things that are commonly known as Works of Mercy.

The organization referenced in the article is known as Pure Life Ministries. Go and take a look around; you'll find articles like The Insanity of Sexual Sin and ads for books like Intoxicated With Babylon (Rip the mask off the harlot's face!!!)

What I'm really interested in, though, is the Live-In Program:

"Each man is assigned a personal counselor who has overcome habitual sexual sin himself and is trained in biblical counseling. The weekly curriculum is a combination of PLM materials and biblical homework/study."

Perfect. You stumble into this institution desperate to overcome your sins, and you get assigned to a recovered chronic masturbator, who's now a "counselor," wielding a Bible. I imagine a scene similar to the one in the new Casino Royale where James Bond is tied, naked, to a bottomless chair and then whipped in the johnson with a wet rope. Only in this version the guy doing the whipping has a Kentucky accent and is yelling "THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU" at the hapless jerkoff artist strapped in the chair.

What do you think the scene is like when you put a bunch of "sex addicts" together and throw in a load of Bible reading and laying-on of hands? How many people in that environment are pretty much getting off on discussing their sex lives with others?

The mind reels.

Hoosier schoolgirl gets medieval...

“It’s heavy, and it’s metal, and it’s sharp,” Detective Sgt. Darlene Breitenstein said after delivering the girl to the Lake County (Ind.) Juvenile Justice Center, where she is being held on battery charges.


"That type of weapon would surprise anyone,” said Lt. Samuel Roberts of the Gary Police Department. “It's not the typical weapon that you may find at a school."

ILEETA Conference, Day 5: Time to self-medicate

There's nothing wrong with me that handfuls of ibuprofen, glasses of bourbon and 12 hours of sleep can't fix. And maybe some massage, and a few visits to my chiropractor.

Today was the last day of the ILEETA conference, and I spent the day (8 hours) attending a class taught by mixed martial arts fighter Frank Shamrock. What a nice guy! There were about 80 guys (and two or three gals) in the class, and Frank came around and personally talked to and coached every person in the room at least 6 or 7 times by the time the class ended. I was pleased and surprised to see not a hint of arrogance or ego. What an excellent coach.

The class was a distilled version of Frank's mixed martial arts for law enforcement program. It was a blast. We did lots of stuff that looked like this:



And now I'm paying for it. Oww. My balls got mashed, the insides of my thighs and my upper arms are covered in bruises, and my back and shoulders are all seized up. But God was it fun!

So now the conference is over.

I won a final raffle prize yesterday, a $50 gift certificate for a law enforcement book publisher. I need to go to their website and pick out some stimulating reading.

Tomorrow I return to work and start thinking of ways to apply my newfound knowledge to our training program there.

Good times!

Non-Random Ten

God's Away on Business--Tom Waits
Hey Joe--The Leaves
I Fought The Law--Sonny Curtis
Which Side Are You On--Bob Bovee
Clampdown--The Clash
Goon Squad--Elvis Costello
East Texas Red--Arlo Guthrie
Vigilante Man--Bruce Springsteen
Guns of Brixton--The Clash
And the Band Played Waltzing Matilda--The Pogues

ILEETA Conference, Day 3: Look ma, I'm an armorer

I am now a certified Glock pistol armorer. That's how I spent my day--disassembling and reassembling Glock pistols, and learning fixes for common problems. So, uh, if any of you readers need a Glock pistol cleaned and inspected, or need any simple repairs done, let me know.

Badger badger badger...

"When they are having sex they howl and scream and when they are fighting they make terrible blood-curdling noises as if they are being murdered."

ILEETA Conference, Day 2: defying stereotypes

What better way to defy police stereotypes than by hosting...a donut eating contest.

Today ended with the annual World Cop Donut Eating Championship. Each contestant was assigned a donut deputy to monitor the number of donuts he consumed within the three minute time limit. The proceeds go to the National Law Enforcement Officers Memorial Fund.

It's true. We love donuts, or as some of us refer to them, "power rings."

_______________________________

While donut-eating brought the day to a rollicking close, the day started on a somber note--a minute of silence for the victims of the Virginia Tech shooting. I know I haven't said anything about the killings before now. Honestly, I find the immensity of it too much to deal with, and I know I don't have the ability to even begin to address it. So I'll stick to stories about alligators and perverts, subjects with which I'm more comfortable. I was hoping that I'd find out more about the shootings--at least about the police response and investigation--from someone at the conference. There are a number of cops and vendors from Virginia there I think, but no one has any information beyond what's been in the news. In the meantime I'll just hug my wife and my children tight, be thankful for what I have, and pray for strength and comfort for all the people affected by this horror.

The opening speech was given by Ukiah, California police sergeant Marcus Young. In March 2003, while making a shoplifting arrest, Sgt. Young was attacked by a white supremacist who was with the person arrested by Sgt. Young. Sgt. Young was shot multiple times; his wounds included having his gun hand totally disabled. A police cadet ride-along came to Sgt. Young's aid, placing Sgt. Young's duty firearm in his left hand, allowing Sgt. Young to shoot the attacker 4 times, killing him.

Thinking about those kids in Virginia, and being in the presence of someone like Marcus Young, was humbling beyond words.

ILEETA Conference, Day 1: high on swag

Well, day one is over, and I'm sitting here looking over my swag from today. The conference organizers really outdid themselves this year. Here's the haul so far:

-2 ILEETA logo polo shirts

-An ILEETA sweatshirt

-An ILEETA hooded sweatshirt

-A laptop computer briefcase (this saved me some money, because I was about to buy one this week.)

-A black nylon gym bag with the ILEETA logo tastefully displayed on the side, containing:
-A Princeton Tec mini flashlight
-A 1gig flash drive
-2 pepper sprays
-A notebook/binder
-A whole bunch of free pens, carabiners, mini-lights, stress balls and assorted brochures and publications.

Then, while going around the vendors, I picked up a Magnum Claw. The Magnum Claw is a cool tire spike contraption that you can place under the wheel of a parked car; the car drives over the spikes and is deflated. Good times! I also got some more flash drives, a little stress ball shaped like a hand grenade, a canvass tote bag and some gun cleaning supplies from OTIS and a bunch more stuff than I can remember. Finally, I won a coupon for half off the price of a groundfighting class I'm interested in.

Oh, man, I bought some stuff too. Two new KA-BAR knives: a TDI law enforcement knife, and a new product called a TDI-LDK, that's a small knife that can be worn around the neck, or laced into a boot. I also picked up some new neoprene shooting gloves.

Cross your fingers for me, or chant nam myoho renge kyo, or something, because they have a kick-ass raffle later this week. The Bubs family arsenal could really expand if I get lucky.

Sex in the stacks

I think that our brothers and sisters to the north have much to be proud of this week. Once again, Wisconsin leads the way, miles ahead of us F.I.B.'s to the south.

No, I'm not talking about necrophilia, or oddballs f*cking roadkill. I'm talking about privacy rights--specifically, the privacy rights of library patrons. Even more specifically, the right of library patrons to masturbate in a public library without having to worry about some do-gooder library administrator turning the security video over to the police.

On, Wisconsin!

TRAINING, SIR!

This is going to be a good week.

Starting later this morning I will be attending the ILEETA International Training Conference and Expo in Wheeling. ILEETA stands for International Law Enforcement Educators And Trainers Association. The conference runs 5 days, and it's the best variety of workshops, classes and instructor certification courses assembled in one place that I've ever seen. I've been a police defensive tactics instructor for about 10 years, and it's really good to have programs like this to help stay sharp.

As an added bonus there's an expo that runs the first two days where you can check out lots of cool new equipment; maybe I'll even get to pick up one of those cool rubber slappers. Oh, did I mention the goody bag? ILEETA, without a doubt, gives out the best swag of any conference I've been to. I can't wait to see what I get today.

Here's what my schedule looks like:

Tuesday-attend the vendor expo in the morning, then an afternoon presentation titled "Characteristics of the Armed Individual."

Wednesday-official opening ceremonies. The guest speaker is Officer Marcus Young. You can read his amazing story here. In the afternoon I'll attend a presentation by Bill Lewinski of the Force Science Research Center.

Thursday-I'll be attending the Glock pistol armorer's course. At the end of the day I'll be a "factory-trained armorer capable of servicing all models of GLOCK pistols."

Friday- Another 8-hour class, this one from Phil Messina, on takedown techniques and "how to better adapt and adjust to unexpected environments, weapons and extra assailants, as well as the chaos of a violent confrontation." That should be fun.

Saturday- If Phil Messina doesn't beat me up good enough, this should finish me off. Frank Shamrock is presenting an 8 hour class titled "Mixed Martial Arts for Law Enforcement."

So, my week in a nutshell--two days of shmoozing and free stuff, followed by one day in a classroom, followed by two days of rolling around on the mats. I hope everyone has a week as fun as mine!

World War G

And that "G" stands for "Gator"

Most people don't realize it, but mankind is locked in a savage battle with alligators. And crocodiles. With all of nature, come to think of it. That Chinese zoo keeper forgot that, and he learned a hard lesson.

This time last year reptilians were on the attack, thinning the old and the crack-addled from the human herd with ruthless lizard-brain efficiency. The crocodilians are once again planning their annual spring offensive, as witnessed by the attack on the Taiwanese zoo keeper. Well, I'm proud to report that this year man kind has realized that the best defense is a good offense, and is acting accordingly.

An adroit trapper in Boynton Beach, Florida, caught a 350 pound scout gator as it tried to cut off human escape routes by biting the tires of passing cars. The gator is going to be put down like a mad dog. Or a mad gator.

Some alert cops in Fort Pierce, Florida found a gator prowling a commercial area. The gators realize that if we stop visiting our retail centers, our economy collapses. And if we stop shopping, the gators have won. The town fathers of Fort Pierce extended an olive branch to the gator community by releasing this one back to his own kind. A horrible mistake, in my opinion.

The Lone Star State has, so far, avoided the carnage that's been visited upon the people of Florida. Why? Because, in Texas, they shoot first. Texas has announced its first spring alligator hunting season. How will they kill these beasts?

• Line set.

• Alligator gig.

• Hand-held snare with integral locking mechanism.

• Lawful archery gear, with barbed arrow.

• Firearms - but only on private property. (This last one cracks me up. As if any real Texan needs permission to shoot a kill-crazy giant reptile on his own damn property.)

Godspeed, Texan gator hunters. I'll be down there in June to check on your progress.

Even as we celebrate these latest triumphs, it's clear that alligators continue to exploit human weakness. According to this story, police in Massachussets have found alligators during drug raids not once, but twice--in September and in February.

Give that croc a hand!

It's a Beautiful World

Erik from Erik's Choice reminded me of this video from Devo. While I'm sad to report that this video does not feature the same mambo lovelies as appeared in my earlier post, there's still plenty of goodness in there. At one point I thought "NICE MARACAS", and get this--the Bell Rocket Belt even makes an appearance!

Yes, it's a beautiful world today. MizBubs, girl dynamo, and I have started our annual de-whitetrashification of our yard, and I'm taking a brief break while she goes out for mulch. She's pretty and she's strong. I got to see my niece and nephew this weekend to celebrate my nephew's first birthday. I managed to slip away from work without any major hassles, and now I'm off for a couple of days; starting Tuesday I'll spend the rest of the week at a conference that I've really been looking forward to. I might have more on that later.

Today is our youngest daughter's 15th birthday, and hopefully, when she gets home from school, I'll get to go for a run with her while she rides her new, shiny pink, retro-looking bicycle. She's just incredibly smart and good-looking and feisty, and I can' t wait to pick her up after school. We "celebrated" yesterday, so tonight will just be a relaxed family evening. She shares a birthday with Henry Mancini, so we might celebrate tonight with some swanky music. Who knows. I know I've got a tasty dinner planned--roast pork tenderloin, roasted beets, and cabbage braised in red wine.

Our eldest, Dystopia (the one who tells me she can't blog because, unlike her sad, bitter and ineffectual father, she has a real life) just got accepted into Phi Theta Kappa, an honor society for community colleges. Pretty slick for an 18 year old whose peers are just finishing high school.

So, without further ado, Devo:

R.I.P. Don Ho

One of my witty friends notified me of the passing of Don Ho with this headline:

"One less Ho in the music business."

Yes, Don Ho has died of heart disease at the age of 76.

I feel good that we developed our drink in honor of Don Ho while he was still alive. My sister in law Kate is pictured here, holding one of the festive libations.

Did you know that Don Ho was a fighter pilot? He was also quite fertile, fathering 10 children.

Farewell, Mr. Ho.

Morning Mambo

Now that spring is here, MizBubs and I have started a new morning regimen.

F.R.T.

No commentary, just titles and artists:

Ghouls—The Horrorpops

A Place in the Dirt—Marilyn Manson

Run Run Run—The Velvet Underground

Trouble—The Flying Lizards

Waiting for My Ruca—Sublime

Night of the Living Rednecks—Dead Kennedys

Going Down Slow—Leadbelly

Slippin' Out & Sneakin' In—Joe Clay

White Girl—X

Hoist That Rag—Tom Waits

Bible Thumper

Minnesota Jail Guard Suspended After Inmate Is Hit With A Bible

(AP) A jail guard has been suspended after allegedly thumping an inmate with a Bible.

James Lee Sheppard, 56, has been charged with two gross misdemeanors for allegedly swatting a Blue Earth County Jail inmate with the book, grabbing him by the throat and slamming him against steel bars on Feb. 8, according to the criminal complaint.

I HEAR MUSIC

I have been tagged by Splotchy, thusly:

Seeing as the traffic to my blog is nearing a fever pitch, I thought I'd try and start one of them taggy things that meme all over the place...so I tag Bubs and Mizbubs. And you, dear reader. I tag you.

Let the wild stallion that is this meme run free.

I ask you, how could I resist?

What was the first recorded music you bought?
-It was a used copy of the Beatles' "Magical Mystery Tour" that I bought at a thrift shop when I was in 6th or 7th grade.

What was the last?
-I can't say here, because it was a gift for MizBubs that she won't get until June. Before that it was Tom Waits' "Orphans".

What was the first "professional" music show you ever went to?
-Oh, I'll always remember this one--Johnny Cash and the Carter Family at Madison Square Garden. June Carter was big and pregnant at the time, and couldn't perform with everyone else. I'm guessing this was in 1969 or 1970. What was really cool about this was my dad took us, and he wasn't even much of a country music fan.

What was the last?
-The Raconteurs at the Riviera Theater in Chicago.

What's your "desert island" album?
-Probably "Rain Dogs" by Tom Waits

What's your favorite album/song title? (the *title* which is your fav, not the actual album or song)
-Without a doubt, it's "Weasels Ripped My Flesh" by the Mothers of Invention. I've never owned it, never heard more than a couple of tracks from it. Rzzzzz!

What's your favorite album art (include an image of it if you can)?
-I can't think of one off the top of my head, but most of my favorites are in this collection here.

Ideal choice for a karaoke song?
-My favorite is "Suspicious Minds" but when I'm boozed up like a big hillbilly with Tourette's, my friends and family want to hear me sing Tom Jones' "Delilah." Did you know that "Delilah" is the Tom Jones song most sung by impersonators and karaoke fans?

Song you don't like that WILL NOT LEAVE YOUR HEAD if you hear it.
-There are a few choices on the Weebls Stuff site that, if my youngest daughter plays them, will be stuck in my head for days. But I'm not sure I don't like them...I'm not sure if "My Humps", which is annoying as hell, is stuck in my head or if it's just still being played to death; those Blades of Glory ads don't help.

Which is cooler? -- Vinyl? CD? Cassette? 8-track?
-Dude, vinyl! Everything about it, the album art, the sleeve art and lyrics, the promotional extras you could cram inside, the anticipation watching the needle lower onto the record, the slight hiss and pop, everything.

Ok you primitive screwheads, listen up! The following people should consider themselves tagged:

Dale, Beth, Mob, in particular, and anyone else who reads this and has some time on his hands.

Get to work.

Mister Donut Cosplay Dance Party

Yes, this is a group of Japanese cosplay enthusiasts forming a dance party flash mob in front of a Tokyo Mister Donut. The party is broken up by two cops on their way for a coffee break.

Here's a link to the original story, courtesy of Southside bureau chief Dena.

Freak of the week

Recently Coaster Punchman and Dale have written, entertainingly and frighteningly, about dentists. Mob over at Dear Bastards has written of his ongoing dental torture.

Call me a kooky optimistic do-gooder, but I like to try and make my friends feel better whenever I can. Or at least I graciously, and without a hint of smug know-it-allness, point out that things could be far, far worse.

Which brings me to this week's FREAK OF THE WEEK:

British dentist Alan Hutchinson

Dr. Hutchinson is to dentists as Harvey Keitel was to lieutenants--bad. Bad and unclean:

Updated: 12:34 p.m. CT April 5, 2007

LONDON - A British dentist was found guilty on Thursday of urinating in his surgery sink and using dental tools meant for patients to clean his fingernails and ears.

A medical tribunal said it was satisfied the evidence showed 51-year-old Alan Hutchinson, who "routinely" did not wear gloves or wash his hands, had risked the health of "himself, staff and patients" for more than 28 years.

A dental nurse who worked for Hutchinson for 16 years said she had caught him urinating in the sink more than once.

"He was tucking something into his trousers before zipping them up hastily. I walked over and I was behind him. He moved to the left and I could smell urine," the nurse told the tribunal.

A later hearing will decide if the dentist's unhygienic habits impaired his ability to treat patients, and if so, whether he should banned from practicing.

Copyright 2007 Reuters Limited.

Why do they all use Spry?

HERE'S WHY THEY ALL USE SPRY!


"It's marvelous. It creams so easily."


"Foods fried in Spry are as digestible as if baked or boiled."


"Spry is so white. I just know it's purer."



Valued readers like Dino, aka Katy, want to know about miracle product Spry Pure Vegetable Shortening. So, putting aside the fact that I get oddly and inappropriately excited when talking about fat and deep frying, here it is, in all its white whipped oleaginous glory.

Back at Thanksgiving we visited a few antique shops in Marion, Iowa, and I picked up a few old cookbooks. Not regular cookbooks, the little pamphlets put together by food companies, books like Medley of Meat Recipes from the American Meat Institute. Lucky me--I buy a few old pamphlets, and then, a few weeks later, I get some neat presents from my mother-in-law: some modern home magazines from the 50's and 60's, and a guide to building the "modern vacation home" from Popular Science. Anyway, one of the pamphlets I got was from Spry. Imagine a 48 page cookbook in which every single recipe calls for vegetable shortening. I love it.

Spry was a vegetable shortening (like Crisco) made by Lever Brothers. They had a spokeswoman known as Aunt Jenny, who hawked the product from the 1930's through the 1950's. You can see for yourself why Spry is the superior shortening here and here.

There are plenty of good recipes in here, but my real find was the newspaper clipping hidden inside. Click here for this delicious recipe for pineapple and carrot salad, circa 1940.


F*ck you Rachel Ray.

Plug it in, fire it up, Mr. President...

From the April 7 Detroit News "Business Insider" section:

Plug it in, fire it up, Mr. President

The Detroit News

Credit Ford Motor Co. CEO Alan Mulally with saving the leader of the free world from self-immolation.

Mulally told journalists at the New York auto show that he intervened to prevent President Bush from plugging an electrical cord into the hydrogen tank of Ford's hydrogen-electric plug-in hybrid at the White House last week. Ford wanted to give the Commander-in-Chief an actual demonstration of the innovative vehicle, so the automaker arranged for an electrical outlet to be installed on the South Lawn and ran a charging cord to the hybrid. However, as Mulally followed Bush out to the car, he noticed someone had left the cord lying at the rear of the vehicle, near the fuel tank.

"I just thought, 'Oh my goodness!' So, I started walking faster, and the President walked faster and he got to the cord before I did. I violated all the protocols. I touched the President. I grabbed his arm and I moved him up to the front," Mulally said. "I wanted the president to make sure he plugged into the electricity, not into the hydrogen.

This is all off the record, right?"

What shall I blog today?

Happy Easter IV: Now it's dark

My eldest noted that someone appears to have photoshopped an evil bunny head onto a scary Santa. No problem--either way, the kid cries.

Happy Easter III: Lord of the Harvest

See that poster in the background? Does it refer to the big moldy-smelling pink bunny, back from the pet sematary to visit the kids at Sunday school? The little girl on the left knows it's harvest time, and bunny has come to collect.

Happy Easter II

Happy Easter

OK, time to move on

After yesterday's tattooed granny I felt a responsibility to provide my readers with a more positive image. I think this fits the bill.

This lovely young stewardess is from the George Petty gallery at a neat little animation website called The Pin-Up Files.

HELLO!

MizBubs frequently gets forwarded emails from a friend of hers at work. You know what I'm talking about--heartwarming stuff like cute pictures of dogs that adopt fawns , or of Finnegan the squirrel pup, or natural oddities like frozen landscapes, and jokes like the elephant and the camel.

Sometimes MizBubs forwards them on to me, and they're usually a welcome diversion for a few moments.

This morning was different.

This morning she opened this email:

Subject: [Fwd: [Fwd: FW: Fwd: FW: oh no.... mom went to another of Marcos' tatoo parties]]

The email had been forwarded more than 5 or 6 times, and it took a lot of scrolling. A lot of scrolling, to get to the woman you see pictured here. I have placed a discreet black square on this photo to make it family-friendly. Because seeing a bare, tattooed septuagenarian breast is only offensive if you can also see its pierced nipple, right?

This is one of the mildest pictures in the series. Granny appears in a variety of red and black vinyl outfits, looking like, in the words of my oldest daughter, "a ho'd-up Betty White." Toward the end of the series she displays a, uh, unique set of piercings.

You can see the rest of the pictures here. They are most definitely not safe for work.

Have fun!

Friday Random Ten

Lately I've seen folks like Dale and Johnny Yen give some commentary on their shuffle choices, instead of merely throwing out ten random song titles. Dale has even been generous enough to provide the tunes themselves, through the wonders of his data bus.

There are four of us here at the compound using iTunes on the computer, so a lot of these random ten lists don't just reflect my tastes--it's really more of a glimpse of what the soundtrack to our family life sounds like.

Rains—Jim Edgar & the Roadrunners

This is one of mine, from a collection called "Rockabilly Gold."

Sweet Rockin' Baby—Sonny West

Another one of mine from the excellent Rhino collection "Rockin' Bones."

La valse d'Amelie—Yann Tiersen

This belongs to my youngest, from the soundtrack to her favorite movie Amelie. For a while now she's been on a tear where she listens almost exclusively to old and/or foreign language music. It's really cool to hear Edith Piaf or Fats Waller coming from her room.

Peace in the Valley—Johnny Cash

This was a gift to me from MizBubs' family. It's from a boxed set: The Essential Johnny Cash 1955-1983.

Pretty Boy Floyd—Woody Guthrie

MizBubs loves Woody Guthrie. This track is from a 3-disc set titled This Machine Kills Fascists.

Tainted Love—Marilyn Manson

Here we see the influence of our oldest daughter. She's listed as a contributor to this blog, and I'd love to see her write more (she's appeared as a Tromette at some horror conventions and goes to lots of cool shows that we don't have time to go see) but she tells me she has "too much of a real life" to spend time blogging. Ouch.

Ballade Von Der Sexuellen Horigkeit—Kurt Weill

I found this version of the Three Penny Opera for my youngest. It doesn't get much play because, in her words, "it sounds too new." She prefers older recordings that have some hiss and pop to them; she's especially fond of Bertholt Brecht singing "Mac the Knife" in German on a collection titled September Songs: The Music of Kurt Weill.

Ever Fallen In Love? --The Buzzcocks

From Singles Going Steady. I can't remember if I got this on CD to replace old vinyl, or if our eldest got this as part of her ongoing quest to listen to all of our old favorites from the late 70's and early 80's.

Abba Zabba—Captain Beefheart

This is a recent acquisition of mine. I've never listened to an entire Captain Beefheart album, so I figured the reissue of Safe as Milk would be a good place to start.

Stompin' The Bug—Fats Waller

Another one from our youngest. This is off the collection Young Fats at the Organ. She got this after she saw Eraserhead, and wanted some of the soundtrack music.

Now, if you want some more fun, go see Splotchy's take on the Friday Random Ten. I'll use just these four words as a teaser: pussy pussy pussy marijuana.

I had opinions that didn't matter

I had a brain that felt like pancake batter

I got a backyard
With nothing in it
Except a stick, a dog
And a box with something in it...

This is your brain on country music.

Psych Evaluation Ordered For Supernaw

In a pretrial hearing, Supernaw, 46, listed off police agencies that he said had beaten him to ruin his recording career and his chances at a baseball career.

"It has been a political economic conspiracy, and I have proved it time and time and time again," he told Brazos County Court Judge Jim Locke. Supernaw said the abuse started when he was "held hostage in Paris" in a "mentally retarded home for terrorists" for two weeks in 2002.

Country singer Doug Supernaw also claimed that he was a "test monkey" to see if someone could smoke marijuana and play baseball at the same time.

I don't know about you, but I don't think there's anything in the world, really, that's cooler than a smoking monkey. Except, as I've said before, a smoking monkey wearing a fez. Or a cowboy hat. A big cowboy hat.

**special thanks to Dream City Bureau Chief Bawb the Revelator

Let's Make a Sandwich!

"Part of the trick to entertaining unexpected guests, is keeping on hand certain generally useful foods. One of these is cheese of an easy melting type...Mother is a great believer in the aesthetic value of parsley..."

Tagged?!?

Bubs tagged me! So, this is Mizbubs, in expository mode.

A- Available or Single?

Even when I was single, I was never truly "available" to anyone but Bubs.

B- Best Friend?

Bubs, my daughters Nora and Hannah, my sister Kate, my niece Terra. It's all about family...

C- Cake or Pie?

Totally pie. You can put anything, sweet or savory in a pie, and it's fabulous. Even a moose turd, right Dad?

D- Drink of Choice?

We're talking alcohol here, right? C'mon, you know we are! Beer. Really good beer. Dark and rich, malty with a creamy head in the winter. Paler, hoppy, but still full-bodied in the summer...

E- Essential Item?

I know it sounds ingenuous, but I'm not much for essential items. Ask Bubs. Ask my kids how I react when a beautiful vase, piece of china, etc. is broken. I like to be warm, dry and well-fed, but I have low standards for all of those things.

F- Favorite Color?

Green.

G- Gummi Bears or worms?

Who can resist sour gummi worms slithering down your throat?

H- Hometown?

Chicago. I'm from an area that was called Hollywood Park when I was a kid. Now I think it's called Peterson Park for the park that used to be a tuberculosis sanitarium. I was only in grammar school, but I cried when Mayor Daley died.

I- Indulgence?

Undeserved self-pity. And chocolate, of course.

J- January or February?

February. If I make it to my birthday (February 28), the rest of the year is a piece of cake!

K- Kids?

Yes, thank god. If life were a sci-fi novel, Bubs and I would've been designated breeders. We breed easily, and produce a superior product.

L- Life is incomplete without?

Family.

M- Marriage date?

June 21, 1986. Twenty-one calendar years, and yet I haven't aged a day...

N- Number of siblings?

Oh, this can get complicated! Three much older brothers on my mothers side, one much younger sister on my fathers side. I also have a nephew and niece who are near my age, and endured much of the same childhood trauma I did. How many does that make?

O- Oranges or apples?

Apples, but fruit nirvana for me is a perfect, sweet/tart, juice-running-down-your-chin plum.

P- Phobias/fears?

Heights. Especially standing at the top of a flight of stairs. Don't ask.

Q- Favorite Quote?

"Take it easy, but take it." Woody Guthrie

R- Reasons to smile?

Family.

S- Season?

Fall. I would love ten months of October, punctuated by July and December.

T- Tag 3 people

No, it's not in my nature to tag anyone.

U- Unknown fact about me

I'm a repressed girly-girl.

V- Vegetable you hate?

I have learned there are no bad vegetables, only bad methods of preparation. What made my mother think boiled carrots and celery would be good?

W- Worst habit?

Not really listening.

X- X-rays you've had?

Chest (bike injury as a kid), left ankle (snapped the tendons jumping over a puddle), right ankle (slipped on ice down the stairs), MRI's of neck for herniated disk, obligatory mammogram when I turned 40.

Y- Your favorite foods?

Hmmm, I really like food....

Z- Zodiac?

OK, it's often accurate, but isn't that how it's written?

The Future, the way it used to be: The Bell Rocket Belt

When people think of the future the way it used to be, they almost always think of the rocket belt. Specifically, the Bell Rocket Belt. Pictured to the right is the Bell Rocket Belt Traveling Team, relaxing poolside in Williamsburg, VA. The inventor of the Rocket Belt, Wendell Moore, is the fellow leaning on the umbrella stand.

The US Army Transportation Research Command and the press got their first look at the Rocket Belt at Fort Eustis, Virginia, on June 8, 1961.

Who got to fly this masterpiece? Hal Graham. Hal Graham, who in my book is one of the 10 coolest human beings in all of history, has a fascinating website devoted to the Rocket Belt.

Here's a link to the official US Army Transportation Museum page dedicated to the Rocket Belt.
Click here to see a cool picture of another individual flying machine concept, the solar copter imagined in 1957.

Now enjoy the educational video.

What percentile are you?

Believe it or not, my life is not all joy and dope fiends and sex perverts and circus clowns and alligators. Nope. Some times I try and focus on serious topics, like the economic health of our great nation. And when I do focus long enough to read stories like this one in the Boston Globe, my head hurts.

The chart at right is from the March 28 Economic Snapshots page at the Economic Policy Institute. Here's the title:

Recent income gains went to those with highest income. Here's an excerpt:

The economy expanded in 2005, with gross domestic product and productivity both posting solid gains (3.2% and 2.1%, respectively). Yet, as shown in the chart ..., real market income (i.e., income aside from government transfers) actually fell slightly (-0.6%) for those in the bottom 90% of the income scale.

Income growth for households within the 90-95th percentile was moderate in 2005, up 2.2%. But higher income households did much better. In fact, income growth among the top half of the top 1%—a group whose average annual income is already $1.8 million—was up another 16% in 2005 alone.

So, in other words, wealth distribution in this country has come to resemble Bruce Campbell's pitch in those Old Spice ads:

If you have it, you don't need it. If you need it, you don't have it. If you have it, you need more of it. If you have more of it, you don't need less of it. You need it to get it. And you certainly need it to get more of it. But if you don't already have any of it to begin with, you can't get any of it to get started...

Look around: a million Americans went bankrupt as a result of medical problems in 2004, and half of all bankruptcies in this nation are due to medical issues. Household debt continues to rise.

The subprime lending market is falling apart, having suckered millions of people into buying houses they couldn't really afford, or borrowing against the paper value of their homes.

I got an email from my friend Bawb the Revelator under the heading "And from the 'I GOT MINE, UP YOURS' desk". That caught my eye, and I opened it to find this L.A. Times story about the latest business failure:

Subprime lender New Century files for bankruptcy, fires 3,200 people

You know, you just know, that for those 3,200 drones who are now out of work, and all those thousands of foreclosures and bankruptcies, that there were quite a few people (maybe that top 1 percent?) who made out like bandits.

It seems to me that for the last 7 years there's been a conscious effort to ransack the middle of this country to enrich a handful of cronies and greedheads at the top. Enron, the subcontracting of the war in Iraq, the bungling horrors of Katrina--if we thought about it we could probably name even more examples of that predator mindset, the one that says maximize profit and f*ck the consequences. This is what happens when you have a president who's quite open about looking out for that top 1%, and doesn't care at all about the bottom 90.

Get Splotchy

I just found out that someone in Miz Bubs' extended family has started up a blog:

I, Splotchy

He's only got two entries so far, but it's clear he plans on tackling all the important issues. One of his posts explores the connections between bee colony collapse and song titles, and the other addresses one of our favorite compound topics: the relative merits of various retail outlets in the event of zombie attack. I expect that if he puts his mind to it, he could probably replace me as the world's foremost narcozoologist.

Mr. Splotchy has one of the most phenomenal and extensive music collections I've ever seen, and he's a wealth of odd pop culture information. He's responsible for my newfound love of Tropicalia, which I've been listening to a lot of lately. While you're waiting for him to put up more material, go check out his loving tribute to Lincoln Avenue hooker motels.

Take my word on this--he bears watching.